Diamonds, Engagement Rings & Diamond Jewelry in popular culture

Of course there’s nothing quite like a celebrity wedding.  Other celebrities attend, there’s lots of media coverage, the engagement rings make every magazine and website to showcase their sheer hugeness, and so on.  And, let’s be honest, there are more televised weddings than ever before.  Understandable when it was Prince Charles and Princess Di; it was significant, and it was on news channels.  But now everyone’s gotta go and make a reality show out of their weddings.  Why?  None of the people whose weddings people will tune in to watch need the money.  When Bethenny Frankel signed on for Bethenny’s Getting Married, Tori Spelling had hers, and now, tragically, Carmelo Anthony and La La Vasquez have premiered their show La La’s Full Court Wedding.  Evidently, the more-than $14.4 million dollars Anthony will earn this year doesn’t cover the expense of a fantasy wedding.  Or, perhaps, La La was a bit bummed that her star has been steadily fading since she stopped being an MTV VJ.

The happy couple, ready for their close-up.

But oh, Carmelo, why could you not just be content with the fame you have reached by being an outstanding small forward?  Were you just playing along so your new bride could show the world how important she still is?  In interviews, it is La La who does most of the talking, telling us about hanging out with Ciara, Kelly Rowland, and Tyrese Gibson prior to the wedding.  She goes on to explain that we should celebrate the already 7-year relationship that the couple has shared, and the 3 year-old son that took part in the nuptials.  She laments the difficulty in planning such a large-scale affair, although she had—as all people with money to burn do—a full-time wedding planner.

And then the reason for the show becomes quite a bit clearer.  It seems that Vasquez is trying to jump start an acting career.  She is already co-starring in The Gun with 50 Cent and Val Kilmer, and is producing a few reality shows with Russell Simmons.  But she’s got her eye on some new fame of her own.  After all, most people watch Lakers games to see what actors and musicians are in the crowd.  Should the Denver Nuggets not have the same privilege?

Not only did the normal celebrity-related media cover the wedding, but ESPN also had some representatives.  After all, there were a number of famous athletes there, like LeBron James, Lamar Odom, Amare Stoudemire, and, of course, Kim Kardashian.

Lady Gaga has a new album coming out entitled “Born This Way”.  We can pretty much guess what the content will be like, with heavy dance beats and interesting lyrics, but the singer has nonetheless told the media that it will “[tick] people off”.  Really, Ms. Meat Dress?  Are we to be surprised that you may have recorded some things that some people might think is not quite mainstream?  Truthfully, she has said that it is not the subject matter that will upset people, but rather the hit-after-hit nature of her work.  “My fans have related to me as a human being and as a non-human being—as the superhuman person that I truly am”.  Modesty is not an emotion that her ladyship is feeling at this time.  She has, in fact, earned her ego, winning award after award and fearlessly standing up for causes that are close to her heart, with gay rights at the forefront of those beliefs.

Afraid of controversy? Not so much.

Lady Gaga was first embraced by the gay community for her dance tracks and love for all people, regardless of their sexual orientation.  Then, as her popularity increased and her songs were played on Top 40 stations around the world, she found herself receiving accolades for more than her politics and ability to find producers who can lay down hot beats.  “Bad Romance” and “Poker Face” were international hits.  And despite her taste for bizarre fashion and generally unacceptable behavior, even naysayers couldn’t deny that the girls got pipes.  If the words didn’t get you, her voice did.  The crazy chick has talent.  This became obvious when established artists clamored to work with her.  When she recorded “Telephone” with Beyonce, creating a music video that many outlets wouldn’t play because of violent content, the pair still reached the top of the charts.  When the R&B powerhouse turned 29 on September 4, Gaga sent her a gift of a leather whip studded with diamonds.  Apparently, upon receiving her birthday present, Beyonce “squealed” because she was so pleased.

The new album promises more number one singles, including the title track.  “Born This Way” is not only about Lady Gaga’s own peculiar lifestyle, but is also a dedication to the gay, lesbian, and trans-gendered community.  “I knew I had an ability to change the world,” she told RWD magazine, “when I started to receive letters from fans: ‘You changed my life’, ‘I’m gay and my parents threw me out’”.  These are people who have found solace in the unflagging support of the singer.  At this year’s VMAs, Gaga showed up with three guests, all former military personnel who were either kicked out of the service or leaving willingly for refusing to comply with the antiquated “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy that has been in place since 1993.  The mandate is currently under review, and we can be sure that Lady Gaga will continue to speak out against any kind of regulations that prevent openly-gay Americans from serving in the Armed Forces.  “Born This Way” is a musical affirmation of her belief.

As for her gigantic ego, she has said, “Everyone tells me I’m arrogant, but music is the only thing I’ve got, so you’ll have to let me be confident about one thing”.  She appears to confident about a few other things, as well, showing up at a Major League Baseball game in little more than underwear, ripped stockings and a baseball jersey.  The New York Yankees were not amused, particularly when she was shown on the jumbotron giving the “one-finger salute”.  She routinely performs wearing very little clothing, and she really does have the body for it, but still.  And the culmination of her body confidence showed itself again when she accepted a Video Music Award wearing a minidress made entirely of beef. She was standing next to Cher, who donned the fishnet-and-electrical-tape outfit from the late-80s video for “If I Could Turn Back Time”, and she still managed to be the one grabbing headlines.  The original scantily clad gay icon stood next to Gaga and managed to look modest in comparison.  It’s difficult to compete with a woman who finds fashion at a butcher shop.  While PETA was not amused, the rest of the world was.

Bring it on, PETA.  You’re just adding fuel to the fire, and all that will accomplish will be a headlining singer wearing a medium-well dress to next year’s awards.

Irritated into submission after the last few months, Reggie Bush decided to give back his Heisman Trophy.  Evidently, the NCAA decided that 5 years later is as good a time as any to punish a guy who worked his tail off to become one of the greatest running backs that USC ever had.  And, of course, any 20 year-old kid should know better than to accept money to buy his loving family a beautiful home, right?  Certainly, most boys that age would be wary of anyone offering cash, since every athlete has a full working knowledge of NCAA guidelines that may or may not affect them in the future.  Right?  Would it not make more sense to simply punish USC and the sports agent who admitted to giving almost $300,000 in gifts to Bush?  Well, they did that, but not before the agent, Lloyd Lake, decided to sue the now-millionaire for repayment while agreeing to cooperate with NCAA in a frantic effort to save his own tail.

"Okay, now can we talk about, you know, football?"

In July, incoming USC president Max Nikias said that all murals and jerseys the school has been displaying in Bush’s honor would be taken down, and that the school would also return their copy of the trophy as well.  Although Bush has not specifically admitted to any wrongdoing, he agreed to return the trophy so he can get on with his career, saying that, “The persistent media speculation regarding allegations dating back to my years at USC has been both painful and distracting”.  He also stated that he would spend the rest of his career proving that he was, despite everything, worthy of the award that was granted to him in a landslide vote over Vince Young.  Young even posted on Twitter that, “Reg will continue to be the 2005 award recipient and I will continue to be honored to have been on the 2005 Heisman campaign with such a talented athlete”.   The question has never been about Reggie Bush’s talent or whether or not he deserved the Heisman that year.  It is about compliance with NCAA rules.  It’s a dangerous can of worms to open, however, since college athletes have had lavish gifts handed to them for as long as there has been competition to keep them playing and happy.  1972 winner Johnny Rodgers noted that OJ Simpson got to keep his trophy.  But, since the NCAA does not specifically say that murder is against their policies, they never threatened to sanction him or the school for which he played.

Reggie Bush would probably gladly go back to the time when the media focused on him because he was expected to give Kim Kardashian an engagement ring, which she would not have to return under any circumstances.  Eventually, maybe he will get some press for being one of the greatest running backs the New Orleans Saints have ever had.  It would be nice to see him getting attention for something good and, yes, newsworthy.

This all comes in the same year that Congress is using a similar time machine to go after former Major League pitcher Roger Clemens, who they are claiming lied in congressional hearing regarding use of performance-enhancing drugs.  Will Clemens have to return any of his five Cy Young awards?  Congress, like the NCAA, should try to stay in the present and deal with things that are happening now.

Like that will ever happen.

The Pope is going out on the road again, and has scheduled to preside over masses in various parts of the UK, including Birmingham, London, and Glasgow.  Entrance to the mass is free, of course, but a £5- 25 “donation” is recommended, and admittance will not be given without the suggested monetary contribution.  Despite the relatively small offering to cover costs of travel and accommodations, it seems that the Pope is simply not selling out the way he used to.  Spokespeople for the Vatican have said that “administrative problems” have been the cause of lowered expected attendance, but others have suggested that it is the scandals that have plagued the Church that are creating the less-than-stellar response.  Perhaps if His Holiness added a little extra bling to his already-giant gold cross, adding a chain of diamonds or an iced-out watch to complement the traditional Papal ring, he could draw a more enthusiastic, younger crowd.

Bringing His Holiness into Popular Culture.

Short of that, when Pope Benedict XVI announced his plans to tour, a musical group called Ooberfuse recorded a track in his honor.  The British band wrote the song “Heart’s Cry” in his honor, sampling from a few of his speeches and stating, “No rest ‘till all creation knows Thy sway”.  While their motivation seems to come from a place of faith, they have also created a music video to promote the single, which is available now on iTunes for a mere £1.99.  The peace-promoting video includes footage of His Holiness saying that, “Hatred will never reign in the hearts of men again”.   Who knows where hatred reigns in the hearts of women, once might ask.  Nonetheless, Bishops of the Organising Committee have designated the song as the official “youth anthem of the Papal visit”.  Hal, one of the three members of Ooberfuse, has told the press that, “I think this is the first time in history a reigning Pontiff has embraced the forms of popular culture to advance the Christian message of love and hope”.

This is almost true, although in February of this year the Vatican newspaper released a list of the Holy See’s Top 10 Rock and Pop Albums of all time.  Making the cut at that time were The Beatles, Pink Floyd, Oasis, U2, and Michael Jackson, among others.  It seems, in light of certain heavily-spotlighted events, that the Pontifex Maximus would have wanted to distance himself and his church as far away from Michael Jackson as possible, but, evidently, the papacy has a soft spot for rocking out to songs from the “Thriller” LP.

This trip to the UK will feature an all-new, high-tech Popemobile for His Holiness to ride around in during his visit.  The modified Mercedes-Benz M-Class “green petrol” SUV has been built with a special, bulletproof enclosure into which the Pontiff can be raised while touring.  Should the Father Confessor decide he wants to see what this latest Popemobile can do, he will find that it is designed to reach up to 160mph.  That baby is as suited for the Autobahn as it is to cruise at an expected 10mph as the Pope travels to his appearances.  One can hope that the tepid response to his visit is due to the aforementioned administrative problems, or, perhaps, the down economy.  Maybe the hip hop single and pimped-out ride can help to offset what is looking to be a disappointing trip.

If not, the “youth anthem” is still climbing the charts, and, clearly, someone up there is watching out for the kids of Ooberfuse, who are making some serious bank while they spread their message.

Yes, Lady Gaga accepted her award for Video of the Year wearing an outfit made entirely of meat.  The Jersey Shore kids, despite Snooki’s understated blowout, shaved designs into their hair and piled on as many diamonds as their abdominal muscles could support.  Cher resurrected, and rocked, an outfit from the 80s.  Katy Perry wore an outfit reminiscent of Lil Kim’s 1999 purple pasty disaster with just slightly more coverage.  But the moment everyone was waiting for was Taylor Swift’s response to Kanye West’s interruption of her award last year.  Second only to that was Kanye West’s new song, which we expected to be an apology of some sort.  Since Swift has been known to write songs in which she skewers ex-boyfriends, her performance this year was expected to embarrass West.  That was the result, but not because of Taylor Swift.  It was because, despite anything that happens in the world, Kanye West can’t help but be himself, and that means showcasing what a giant jackass he is.

The moment that launched a thousand memes.

The beginning of Swift’s performance was expected: a video montage of West’s Hennessey-fueled interruption of her teary acceptance speech last year.  But then the lights went down, and she began seated, strumming a guitar and singing a very sweet song.  How disappointing for the blogosphere that she took the high road.  Wearing an understated, painfully light pink dress and no shoes, she addressed the whole scandal by singing, “32 and still growing up now/Who you are is not what you did/You’re still an innocent”.  She sang a song of forgiveness, and everyone, no matter how much they applauded or even wept, was a little bummed out that she didn’t compose lyrics that were tastefully mean.  Now her squeaky-clean image squeaks all the louder.  That doesn’t make for great headlines.

But then, eventually, Kanye West took the stage.  While his set was uncharacteristically modest, he wore a fire engine-red suit and countless gold chains.  His song “Runaway” was as close as he gets to an apology, but it really wasn’t one.  It was, in that special Kanye way, all about him.  His lyrics were just slightly less than sweet, saying, “I always find something wrong/You’ve been puttin’ up wit’ my **** just way too long/I’m so gifted at findin’ what I don’t like most”.  In Kanye World, that is self-deprecating.  He then goes on to rap, “Let’s have a toast for the douchebags/Let’s have a toast for the a**holes/Let’s have a toast for the scumbags/Every one of them that I know…Run away as fast as you can”.  It’s his universe, and he is who he is, so everyone who can’t take it should run away.  His song did ring true in one way, when he said, “I’m young, rich, and tasteless”.  But he didn’t indicate that he is sorry for staying in the company of dirtbags and people who feed his supersized ego.  He just advised nice girls to stay away from him.

Awww….Pity Party for Kanye!

Or not.  Apparently, when West got word that Swift would be singing a song about him, he pushed to meet with her before the VMAs started.  The two met in her dressing room and “talked things out”.  What Kanye West will never understand is that he can’t go toe-to-toe with someone like Taylor Swift.  She will always be the sweet, beautiful, ethereal treasure and he will always be, well, Kanye West.  Whether Swift meant this to be the best possible public relations move to secure her place as America’s Sweetheart, we may never know.  But by writing a kind, tender song about forgiveness and change, she made Kanye look even nastier than before.  Red might not have been the best color choice for someone going up against someone perceived as an angel.

Well played, Taylor Swift.  Well played.

Yes, we are still talking about the issue of a mosque possibly being built on or near the former site of the World Trade Center.  Without getting into the whole political blah-blah-blah, there are some actions being taken that just don’t make an ounce of sense.  As usual, painfully misguided and outrageous megalomaniacs have weighed in and offered their own unsolicited opinions and personal versions of help.  And not one of these has been without a personal agenda, none of which is about religion or even fanaticism (those are two totally different things, by the way).  The most outspoken folks—from one side, the other, or neither—are interested only in the press that it brings.

"Two weeks ago, y'all didn't even know my name."

First there is Pastor Terry Jones of the painfully-misnamed Dove World Outreach Center in Gainesville, Florida.  He arranged “Burn a Koran Day” for September 11, 2010, allegedly as a memorial event for the terrorist attacks.  First, the good Pastor seems to forget one important thing that works a bit contrary to his objective: anyone who might participate in such an even would probably not have a Koran on the shelf next to back issues of Shotgun News, so they would, in fact, have to purchase one.  Is Jones hoping to drive the Islamic text straight to the top of the New York Times Bestseller List?  If not, he needs to rethink some things.

Then there are the responses from just about everyone in the political and military arenas.  Secretary of State Hillary Clinton called the event “disrespectful and disgraceful”.  Attorney General Eric Holder used the words “idiotic and dangerous”.  White House Spokesman Robert Gibbs said that, “any type of activity like that …puts our troops in harm’s way”.  Many Christians, including evangelicals who are peers to Pastor Jones, have spoken out against the book-burning, and veterans’ groups are asking for the event to be cancelled.  Gainesville city police and the Alachua County Sheriff’s Office both plan to send hefty bills, estimated in the tens of thousands of dollars, to the church for the necessary police presence.  President Obama told ABC News that the affair is “completely contrary to our values as Americans.  This country has been built on the notion of freedom and religious tolerance”.  And the church has had a few visits from the FBI, reportedly to discuss the inevitable public safety issues that something as inflammatory as “Burn a Koran Day” will bring.

Even with General David Petraeus warning that US troops still in the field will be put in imminent peril should the affair go on, Pastor Jones has somehow worked it out in his head that canceling would be tantamount to the US “backing down”.  And then forgetting who he is.

The sad thing is that he has succeeding on a massive scale in one way: everyone knows his name.  Everyone hates him, but everyone knows his name.  For some, that is enough.

Speaking of which, Donald Trump has also put his two cents in.  Actually, he’s offered to pay the full cash price plus 25% of what the owners paid for the planned site of the mosque.  He has vowed to merely move it five blocks away from Ground Zero, rather than the planned two blocks.  He’s missing the point, of course.  He could offer to have the next winner of The Apprentice design and build a mosque/Islamic studies center made entirely of diamonds and platinum, and it wouldn’t have anything to do with what this mission is about.  Fostering a bit more understanding of Islam and the tenets on which it is based is the objective.  Fanaticism in the US has turned this into a ridiculous firestorm.  Ironically, it is similar fanaticism that brought the towers down in the first place.

The purpose for Pastor Jones and Donald Trump is the same: fame, fame, and more fame.  It is with irritation and more than a little bit of shame that I give them 700 more words to add to their recognition.

But seriously, this is all just too moronic and nonsensical to ignore.

Do I not speak for most Americans when I say that it is a crying shame that those kids on Jersey Shore make millions for drinking and practicing flagrant promiscuity?  Not only has the Governor of New Jersey said that the show is bad for the image of his state, but after polling voters, Maurice Carroll of the Quinnipiac University Polling Institute said this: “New Jerseyans to New York: Keep your low-lifes at home and away from our seashore”.  For those of you not as familiar with the difference in the accents of the region, it has been painfully obvious from the beginning of the series that most of the cast is, in fact, from New York.  Not that New Yorkers are generally as vile as “The Situation”, but declaring that those kids are all from New Jersey is just wrong. It is, in particular, bad PR when various members of the cast spend varying amounts of time in drunk tanks and/or court.

Snooki: Annoying even long-distance.

And so we get to talk, once again, about pocket-sized Snooki, whose habits including drinking twice her body weight in alcohol and exposing her underthings to cameras.  In July, she was arrested in the middle of the day for public drunkenness and swearing like a sailor at random people on the beach.  When the police hauled her off, she was wearing $300 sunglasses and a t-shirt with the word “SLUT” emblazoned across her chest.  A Municipal Court judge accepted her guilty plea on the charge of disturbing the peace.  For whatever reason, he dropped the accompanying charges of disorderly conduct and annoyance with the stipulation that she pay a $500 fine.  Those charges would have carried with them jail time.  After the trial, she declared that she was “too pretty to be in jail”.  Oddly enough, weighing in on the case was Senator John McCain, who agreed with Snooki’s assertion.

Despite Snooki’s troubles, boyfriend Jeff Miranda posed shirtless on whatever Steppin’ Out magazine is to propose marriage to his tiny girlfriend of two weeks.  Responding in that dignified way that celebrities seem to, Snooki took to Twitter to announce to the world that she would not be accepting an engagement ring from the Iraq war veteran, writing, “I’m single and I’m not going to get married!”  It is an odd twist of events, considering that she has been looking for a boyfriend under every barstool in Seaside Heights, but perhaps she’s holding out for something better.  It’s your move, John McCain!

We can all rest assured that the upcoming season of Jersey Shore will maintain the same level of class and modesty as previous seasons.  To ensure that the cast would be well-supplied—and protected—for the remainder of their filming schedule, Moishe’s Mobile Storage delivered some necessities to their summer home.  Included in the shipment were free gym memberships, sunless tanner, cases of vodka, and plenty of condoms.  Rami Haim, president of Moishe’s, explained that the company, “felt obliged to pull together and deliver everything they could possibly need to make it to the end of summer”.

Now, that’s annoying.

Merriam-Webster, the dictionary to which we all refer when we need to know the definition of real English words, has just released to the world the top-searched words on its website.  How proud all of us American-born folks feel to know that the official “Word of the Summer” isn’t a real word at all.  It is a Palin-ism.  Yes, our favorite bear-shootin’, gun-totin’, language-mangling former Vice Presidential candidate invented a word, using it not just on television but on Twitter as well.  Americans immediately took to the internet as they shook their heads and said “What?”  It has to be a real word, right?  People don’t just make things up or make giant, glaring errors in speech when they were thisclose to the Oval Office, right?

"I used a sharpie to write it here, so it IS real."

Wrong.  Sarah Palin said and typed “refudiate” just as though it means something.  But at this point, as our Ambassador of Embarrassment, she shrugged off criticism, noting that William Shakespeare created new language all the time.  Which is funnier: Sarah Palin flagrantly abusing her mother tongue or Sarah Palin comparing herself to Shakespeare?  The jury’s still out on that.

Merriam-Webster stands firm on not having this freshly-coined term in our official lexicon, at least not yet.  The same debate was raised when folks wanted to have “bootylicious” become part of our collective vocabulary.  A big shout-out goes to M-W.com on that decision as well.

Perhaps Sarah Palin is just giving up on trying to make sense.  Her family has become yet another reason for the rest of the world to think Americans are stupid.  But “refudiate-gate” has served a purpose for the Alaskan clan: it has taken some of the focus off of the “Bristol Palin unwed teenaged mother” thing, and away from every sidelong glance to see if Bristol is or isn’t wearing her engagement ring from on-again, off-again fiancé/nude model Levi Johnston.

We might give Sarah Palin the benefit of the doubt and say that she threw herself in front of the bus, so to speak, to give Bristol a bit of breathing room.  But that would require a few things that Mrs. P. just doesn’t have, like media savvy and intelligence.  And it would be a pointless effort anyway, as young Bristol is participating on Dancing with the Stars with the condition that she be able to wear modest dresses.  So far, teaser photos for the show have revealed that her interpretation of modesty is similar to her interpretation of abstinence.

Merriam-Webster has stated that the process of a slang term or word-hybrid (think ‘bodacious’ and ‘guesstimate’) becoming official is a long process and would require, among other provisions, common usage.  The “common usage” exception is a back door into accepted language, and one that can cause hilarity if you type in an entertaining word to hear it read to you online.  M-W.com is good like that.  But don’t expect to hear a well-enunciated “refudiate” any time soon on the respected site.  If it ever does make it into the dictionary, I’m giving up citizenship.

Who’s with me?

It isn’t like Venus Williams is known for her modesty.  She never did favor the standard tennis dresses.  And why would she?  Although there are some unusually tall women playing tennis—it gives a natural advantage to the player—Williams is 6’1” and looks likes she’s carved out of marble.  She’s an Amazon in the most flattering use of the word.  Taller even than her sister, she grew up as all tall women do, waiting for the boys to catch up.  While she waited, she became one of the best tennis players in the world.  And while she realized, again as all tall women do, that most boys would never catch up, she developed a way to celebrate her body by designing her own tennis outfits and wearing diamonds while she plays.

If you've got it, honey, flaunt it.

If you’re gonna be in Center Court, you shouldn’t be afraid to stand out.

Once again, Venus created controversy on Sunday because of what she was wearing.  Did it matter that she played a good game and, in fact, won?  Not when someone actually kept count of the number of times Venus Williams had to adjust her hot pink, rhinestone-decorated self-designed dress.  It often rode up a bit to reveal matching brown rhinestone-decorated tennis shorts.  CBS, apparently finding no real news to report on, enumerated the times she had to adjust her clothes.  John McEnroe and Dick Enberg took time to discuss it.  The final tally of 42 tugs at her dress was evidently more interesting to them than the way she played, winning the match 7-6, 6-3.  Winning is not what made news.  McEnroe felt that the dress appeared to be too much of a distraction to Williams, who, he pointed out, seemed to be uncomfortable in it.  How uncomfortable could it have been?  She won.  Shouldn’t we focus on that?  Apparently not.  We should, instead, focus on the tennis champion’s penchant for wearing flesh-colored shorts under her dresses and not caring if people see them.

Let’s be honest here: if we all had bodies like that, we’d bedazzle the heck out of our undies and wear them outside our clothes, too.

Today, Williams faces #6 seed Francesca Schiavone.  While tennis fans will tune in to watch an exciting match, everyone else will check out what Venus is wearing.  And it will be something cool, something different, something that she feels expresses her personality.  She likes bright colors.  She like rhinestones.  And, bless her heart, she likes to draw attention to an amazing body that she has worked her entire life to sculpt.  If it distracts her opponent, well, that’s not her problem.  If she wins, the press will still focus on her dress, and if she loses, the press will blame it on her fabric choices.  What does a woman have to do to be recognized for her talent?  How many times does a woman have to win almost every tournament in which she participates before her sportswear makes fewer headlines than her hard work?

Women everywhere should be thanking Venus Williams for showing that we can be talented and successful without desperately trying to fit into some antiquated mold that simply wasn’t built to last.

For the self-proclaimed purists out there, think of it this way (and I’ll even use another sport to explain): Fenway Park is held as one of the last remaining Old School ballparks that doesn’t bear the name of a gigantic corporate entity.  That’s great.  But the ballpark was built at a time when people were smaller.  The reason Red Sox fans are known for getting drunk and rowdy is, in part, because that’s the only way to not focus on how narrow the seats are and how little legroom there is.

Venus Williams is creating her own exclusive, theoretical legroom and letting the game of tennis catch up to her (maybe the boys will follow suit?).

As for me, I’ll be doing some lunges and bedazzling some shorts while I watch her next match.

Just because a guy has a certain amount of football acumen, just because he had a successful career, and just because he is even an NFL Hall of Famer does not mean that he is qualified to talk about the sport on television.  Athletes are known for, well, athletics.  Expecting them to speak eloquently is like expecting an orangutan to learn sign language; it can happen, but it’s not likely.  For every John Madden there are about 50 morons hoping to get a similar job.  Somehow, former NFL player Dan “Danimal” Hampton got in front of a camera and wasted no time putting his enormous shoe into his even larger mouth on Pro Football Weekly, where he will be working for maybe the next ten minutes.

What was that you were saying about the Cowboys again?

Sometimes, it is okay to joke about a tragedy, if enough time has passed.  It depends on amount of time and the magnitude of the event.  Holocaust humor is, for example, still generally unacceptable.  Likewise, 9-11 jokes.  But most of the world can safely make a Hindenburg or Titanic remark without being lynched.  But some wounds a too fresh.

Dan Hampton is, on paper, a good candidate to talk about football.  He was a great player.  He was Defensive Lineman of the Year, Defensive Player of the Year, six-time All-Pro selection, four-time Pro Bowl selection (and two-time alternate), and scored himself the coveted gaudy, diamond-encrusted Superbowl ring with the Chicago Bears in 1985.  The same year, he opted out of participation in the still-embarrassing “Superbowl Shuffle”. Oh, Jim McMahon, you were never more embarrassing.  And that’s saying something.  That would be the last time Hampton would show any semblance of taste.

So back to Hampton and his foot-in-mouth disease.  Boy Genius decided it was a good idea to say, regarding the Minnesota Vikings playing against the Saints in New Orleans, “The Vikings need to go down there and hit that town like Katrina”.

Really, Dan?  Really?

Unfortunately, no takesy-backsies once it’s aired on television.  If Mike & Mike weren’t busy talking about it, the blogosphere certainly was, and ain’t nobody pleased.  Tom Waddle, Hub Arkush, and Pat Boyle all managed to move past it relatively unfazed, but we all know they would have preferred to sink down under the desk and wait for the hurricane (pun intended) of emails and calls to hit.  Maybe they that the 1979 first-round draft pick might watch his mouth after that.

Not so fast, fellas.  Just as we expect simple, pure wisdom to come from children (“Out of the mouths of babes”), so can we expect athletes to say things that just shouldn’t be said (I’m looking at YOU, John Rocker).  While discussing the NFC East with his co-hosts, Dan Hampton said this: “The [Dallas] Cowboys think they’re Clint Eastwood; they’re more of the Brokeback variety if you know what I’m talking about”.

Yes, we get it, Dan.  You are not only completely indifferent to suffering, but you’re a homophobe to boot.

And the boot is exactly what he should get, and pronto.  Please, before he makes all turn to watching European football instead