Diamonds, Engagement Rings & Diamond Jewelry in popular culture

After seeing the photo that launched a thousand blog postings—the one of a man getting searched to the point of knowing his religion—the TSA went from a minor security inconvenience to one worthy of starring in its own de-motivational poster.  The TSA is supposed to be here to protect us, and instead it causes us to become angry and restless from waiting in lines and making sure we have only the appropriate amount of fluids in out carry-on luggage.  Now they’ve upped the ante from the full-body screenings that would have made Superman blush (he, after all, could only see to Lois Lane’s modest underthings) and can see whether or not you’ve shaved your legs recently.  No word on whether or not hairy legs are a sign of a threat or not.  Because of the backlash of the scans that were designed to “keep us safe”, which we later found out were, in some cases, printed and brought home by security staff for their, ahem, personal use, TSA decided to rock it old school.  They’ve gone back to the LAPD pat-down.

Currently, this is a joke. Emphasis on "currently".

In general, pat-downs are used on the street because street cops don’t have a lot of handy-dandy technology (unless you’re watching CSI for your information, in which case, you have other issues to discuss with your therapist).  But the TSA, in their efforts to thwart terrorism and avoid another attack like the one in 2001, have had a lot of government money and research at their disposal to make flying safer for all of us.  And I, for one, don’t mind getting my bags searched and taking off my shoes.  The waiting makes me cranky, but that also gives me ample people-watching time.  However, I must add that I have never been put through the indignity of a full-body scan, and I can say unequivocally that I would lose it if some woman wanted to touch me all over because my toothpaste exceeded the 3.4-ounce limit.  While TSA Chief John Pistole waffles over policy changes, Hillary Clinton has already stated that, although she is exempt from such searches, would not submit to such an invasion of privacy.

San Diego traveler John Tyner became a national hero when he told a TSA screener bearing gloves and a giant sense of entitlement, “If you touch my junk, I’m gonna have you arrested.”  And why the search?  Dude is so All-American that apple pie and baseball are shamed in his presence.  Hours later, he was released.  And so, as the Thanksgiving and the busiest traveling time of the year approaches, all of our collective junk still hangs in the balance (so to speak) while the TSA and Congress try to come up with something better.  President Barack Obama has stated that he wants to ensure our security, but to review methods to find ways that are “less intrusive.”  Left to their own devices, the TSA would have colonoscopy and “turn your head and cough” rooms for “suspicious types” like John Tyner.  Of course we need airport security, but there are airports that are doing it right, and those are the places that we need to be looking at modeling ourselves after.  Instead, we have meetings.

I wonder how long it takes to walk 300 miles to see my parents.

Ever since Prince William finally, after what feels like decades of headlines, slipped that pretty engagement ring on Kate Middleton’s finger, the tabloids spent about ten minutes talking about the dress she wore for the announcement and the dress she might wear for the wedding.  Then they started talking about Harry because, heir to the throne or not, he’s the one we’d all rather be looking at.  He’s the one who creates controversy and he’s the one who goes off to Africa to start a charity and continues to see it through.  And somehow, he does it all while looking just as cute as a roomful of fluffy kittens cuddling flopsy-eared bunnies.  Now he’s trying to master to bob-and-weave regarding questions about when he might someday get married.  We can only talk about Wills for so long.

"You want to do WHAT?"

While the Queen busies herself with formal parties and fireworks and all those things befitting someone of Prince William’s political stature, Prince Harry is doing things in his own gingey way.  The Queen, for example, is planning a staid engagement party that will involve heads of state, formal gowns, bowing, and kissing of rings and behinds.  Meanwhile, Harry is working on a bash that will involve performances by Snoop Dogg and British rapper Tinie Tempah.  The boys already met Tinie at the Wireless Festival and asked him to perform for them, and Harry plans to approach Snoop when the rapper and his entourage arrive in London next week.  Oh, to be in on that little get-together.  We can only hope that Harry remembers to ask in between “pass me those Cheetos, willya?” and “puff, puff, give!”  If we can rely on any of the royals to throw a good party, it will be the ginger-haired man-boy with the devilish grin.

As news of the engagement broke, Prince Harry got some good news of his own: he may get his chance to return to Afghanistan.  He didn’t want to leave the service, but he was pulled from fighting with the Household Cavalry because not only his title, but also his famous red hair, made him an easy target.  Since then he has been in training with the Army Air Corps to be an Apache Helicopter pilot, and he’s anxious to get up in the air. “At the end of the day you train for war,” he told reporters.  “It’s as simple as that.  If we could be at peace, then fantastic, but if we’re at war then you want to be with your brothers in arms.”  He plans to serve for as long as his military career and political obligations allow it, and has attended a number of services for soldiers killed in battle—including one for a close friend of his—over the past month.  How do you not love this sweet gingey boy?

Of course, this also comes on the heels of a series of articles listing the world’s most eligible royal bachelorettes.    When does that reality show start?  Evidently, he split from Chelsy Davy yet again over the summer, making him impressively hot single ginge planning some great parties.

I hope my invitation doesn’t get lost in the mail.

It is understandable to some that Canada wants to be more like the US.  America is, after all, a ‘superpower’, we’ve got a cool flag, lots of people still want to immigrate here, and we’ve still got the whole ‘mine is bigger than yours’ thing going for us.  Basically, despite the economy, 70% of Americans still feel totally comfortable saying “We’ve still got it” (I looked it up).  But then we look closer at that mysterious country above us, at our peace-loving, socialized medicine-giving, lumberjacking neighbors to the north.  The place that young people avoiding draft would go if they didn’t have rich daddies in political office.  It doesn’t look so bad.  But one place they appear to be lagging is in television ratings.  Never mind that many of Hollywood’s major movies are filmed there because it is far less costly.  Canada is ready to cash in on some of American TV’s more popular—though less enlightened—ideas.  And so we get Lake Shore, Toronto’s version of Jersey Shore.  The real difference between the shows is that Lake Shore promises to be truly and openly offensive in a way that MTV viewers can only dream.

Mind you, this is from the audition tape.

First, there are the cast members.  We have Joey the Italian, perhaps as a nod to the show’s American inspiration.  He wears a hat that reads “No. 1 WOP”, a term that could well get you killed on the streets of New Jersey, New York, or anywhere with taste.   There is also Salem, the Lebanese and token gay cast member who will strike fear into the hearts of the homophobic males on the show.  Downtown D is the Albanian who is always up for a party whether it’s Friday or Saturday night.  Sibel, the Turk, is the woman who thinks she is more beautiful than all other women, which creates an issue for Anni Mei, the Vietnamese, who wears bras as outerwear and finds herself ‘worn out’ by anyone who doubts that she is, in fact, the most beautiful.  The role of The Situation is played by Tommy Hollywood, the Czech, who favors one-armed push-ups, preferably with ladies involved.  Perhaps the most interesting conflict will be between Karolina, the Pole, who “hates everyone equally, especially the Jews” and fellow castmate Robyn, the Jew.  This brain trust indeed shares a lot with its American counterpart.

Tommy Hollywood is a better-looking version of The Situation, and he comes complete with diamonds on his watch, diamond stud earrings, and Ed Hardy t-shirts.  Instead of Gym-Tan-Laundry, however, he does, Gym-Tan-Six Different Hair Products.  He lists them.  Basically, all of the characters on the show are more like caricatures of Jersey Shore cast members, who are already bad stereotypes of everything that New Jersey and New York would rather hide.  It’s the rest of the US that watches.   Just as the most avid viewers of Lake Shore are likely to be from the most remote reaches of Saskatchewan and beyond.

The creators of Lake Shore claim that they are trying to show the “multi-cultural nature” of Toronto by having cast members of all different ethnic backgrounds.  But we know what makes for good ratings: fights.  And this show is ripe for plenty of them.

Pity I can’t be there to throw the first punch.

It isn’t just a jump from a Mel Gibson cameo to a Bill Clinton cameo.  It’s more like a surge; a vault; a trip on the light respectable even.  After replacing Gibson apparently because ‘the cast didn’t like him’ (read: movie-goers wouldn’t pay to see him) with Liam Neeson, someone we’d pay to see even with his clothes on (you’ve heard the rumors), Directors scored Moby Dick.  They got an ex-Prez, someone who has regained respect despite some, ahem, ugliness, and Bill Clinton will appear briefly—as himself, of course—in Hangover 2.  Now that’s something people will pay to see.

"America, how could I NOT say yes?"

It seems that while the film was shooting scenes in Bangkok, Clinton was there delivering a speech on clean energy.  Of course, it’s easy to see why the intern-lovin’ 42^nd President might want to spend some time in Thailand, but the point is that he was there, the film crew was there, and it worked out.  A good ol’ boy like Clinton probably loved The Hangover, which was really, outrageously funny, so playing himself in the sequel was a no-brainer.  Put together a bunch of guys playing overgrown boys and one who is still best known for not having a Tide To Go instant stain remover handy and you’ve got movie magic.  Clean energy, yes.  Clean dress, no.

There will undoubtedly be some suitable raunch in Clinton’s scene.  He will come in contact with the characters played by Bradley Cooper, Zach Galifianakis, and Ed Helms.  There are some reports that the scene involves a rickshaw.  By the time those scenes were filmed, Galifianakis had a shaved head, for whatever reason.  Perhaps Liam Neeson’s character will tattoo it later in the film.  The reality is that Bill Clinton has a known sense of humor and has nothing to fear by letting himself have some fun in his first big-screen role.  It suits his style.  He might even allow a few jokes at his own expense, something that we can’t imagine Galifianakis’s character will let slide.  How can a drunken, bald-headed Alan resist looking at Bill Clinton in Bangkok and not soberly pronounce “I did not have sex with that woman”?  It is not in the celluloid-created DNA of Alan to not say it.

Another addition to the cast of Hangover 2 is Paul Giamatti, who is genius at everything he ever does.  So far, he has just shown up on set and the role he will play in the film is entirely unknown, but is expected that it will be little more than an extended cameo, since much of the movie is already done.

With the beloved core cast and the impressive list of cameos—which no longer includes Mel Gibson—Hangover Part II now has a good chance of being more popular than the original.  They’ve got an ex-President, for heaven’s sake.

Take that, Avatar 2!

Or will she?

Sarah Palin’s new highly anticipated foray into Alaskan outdoorsiness is beginning, and anyone with basic cable and no access to NetFlix will be watching.  The show, called Sarah Palin’s Alaska, is produced by Survivor creator Mark Burnett.  It is listed as a “non-political” travelogue of an Alaskan family, but Burnett’s choice of family was as strategic as the shows for which he is known.  What his agenda might be remains to be seen, but it will be interesting to find out.  In the meantime, Palin has said of her chilly home state, as she fishes and handily loads rounds into a shotgun, that, “I’d rather be doing this [here] than in some stuffy political office.”  The words of the rogue rhetorician brought to mind images of her in the Governor’s mansion pushing bullets into a clip.  But she’d rather be doing that in the Great Outdoors, bless her heart.

1...2...3....PUSH!

In one episode, called “Mama Grizzly”, she spends a great deal of time climbing a rock wall while husband Todd encourages her from below, shouting, “Let’s go, Juicy!”  She also bakes cookies with her 9 year-old and climbs various peaks in Denali National Park.  While we are supposed to believe that the ‘true star’ of the show is the Alaskan wilderness, well, that’s what the travel channel is for.  Anyone tuning in wants to see a former Vice Presidential Candidate–and the most easily mocked politician since Dan Quayle–doing the things that she does.

All while she coyly avoids rumors of running for President in 2012.  It could happen.  Ask the Mayans.

She has also been hit with rumors that her marriage to Todd was over, but the two appear to be going strong, bonded by their strong, American-type family values.  Unlike most reality television couples, their wedding rings remain on and they appear to be going strong.  Of course, the first episode of the first season airs just tonight.  Time will tell.

But Todd has been a good husband and showed his wife some solid support when some suspect neighbors moved in next door.  Author Joe McGinniss rented the house last summer, and Todd immediately built a 14-foot fence, supporting the idea that high fences make hostile neighbors.  Sarah commented that, “I thought that was a good example [of] what we need to do to secure our nation’s border.”

Yeah, that’s pretty much what we thought she’d say.  If the fence was electric, topped with barbed wire, and had guard towers every 100 yards or so manned with soldiers carrying sniper rifles.  She might have needed a special permit for that in Wasilla, however, so she settled for a something simpler.

The show may not be political, but while Sarah Palin hikes and fishes and bakes and raises her kids against the gorgeous Alaskan backdrop, she still has time to think about keeping those pesky ‘outsiders’ from getting into the US.  While that debate rages on, she says, “I’d rather be out here, bein’ free.”

Nice work, if you can get it.

Maybe if you were looking for drugs…

It seems that Lindsay Lohan, having spent much of this year in either courtrooms, jail, or rehab, is thinking of opening her own rehab facilities.  This is according to her mother, Dina Lohan, who was delighted to be interviewed in the light of day on the Today Show. The “Momager”—a strange, mutant Hollywood mother/manager hybrid—is more accustomed to bleary-eyed after-club camera-dodging at 3am.  Apparently all the time without chemicals has given Lindsay a bit of clarity.  Owning a recovery center would save her a lot of money, which she could then spend on beautiful fashions to cover the alcohol-monitoring anklets that have become a regular accessory for her.  She has already become a master at creating outfits that conceal the SCRAM bracelet, wearing everything from high boots to wide-leg pantsuits, and even working out in public wearing long black pants that not only hide the SCRAM but make her appear healthy as well.

"Wait, what? Why not? After my fashion line was so successful..."

While in rehab this summer, Lindsay mentioned that she needed to come to terms with the damage that had been done to her and her family by delinquent daddy Michael Lohan.  Therapy must have done wonders, as the two met at Lindsay’s request at the Betty Ford Center in LA and had what was noted as a “tearful reunion”.  After a long conversation, the two ex-cons hit up a nearby street fair and some local shops.  They spent an exceptionally long time in one of LA’s high-end jewelry stores, where the starlet found herself interested in several items.  Perhaps a nice diamond necklace for herself to commemorate her reunion with her father?  Maybe she just wants something new and sparkly to look at for her remaining 8 weeks at Betty Ford.

Naturally, the Momager has still been hard at work thinking of ways to exploit her daughter’s fame.  She is has been shopping around for a network to pick up a reality show about Lindsay’s experiences in rehab, although her daughter is not at all interested in this.  She plans to use photos and video that she takes of her daughter during casual “family visits” to create a show on which she will, naturally, act as executive producer.  While Michael Lohan has voiced his disgust at the idea, it is difficult to believe that he turned into Wonder-Dad overnight.  One day of shopping does not a good father make, particularly when Lindsay was footing the bill.

In Dina Lohan’s interview with Matt Lauer, she spoke about the possibility of Lindsay owning recovery clinics.  “She wants to start her own facilities, help other children,” Dina said. “She’s so public, we can only be positive and look to the future to help other families.”  It’s truly a lovely thought, and it would get plenty of attention.  But how much credibility can a place have when it’s started by someone who’s been in and out of rehab more times than most people have been into bars?  While we can all only hope that it works this time for the 24 year-old, it’s tough when her support network is relying on her failure for their next paychecks.

The Lindsay Lohan Recovery Center/Bar and Grill.  A Hollywood original.

Charlie Sheen has been caught with his pants down again, literally.  After complaints from a still-unidentified woman at New York’s famous Plaza Hotel, the police were let into the room by security and found Charlie passed out on the bed—exhausted from throwing furniture about and screaming for no reason—and a terrified woman who was (ahem) paid to be there cowering in the closet.  The actor may have been distraught from running into ex-wife Denise Richards and their two daughters earlier in the evening, returning to his old friend Jack Daniels for comfort.  Perhaps he had forgotten that his children were sleeping just down the hall when he began his tirade.  Clearly he had forgotten that it is considered bad etiquette to bring an escort to a family dinner, and he exercised that keen Charlie Sheen judgment by bringing the escort back to his room afterwards.  It seems that Richards and her daughters were unaware of rest of the story until it was leaked to the press the next day.

Time to kiss your career goodbye, Charlie Sheen?

As usual, Charlie is making his publicist work for his money.  What began as a story about a drunken tirade has now turned into a sad story about Sheen being brought to the hospital for psychiatric evaluation for an “allergic reaction” to medication.  As anyone from Axl Rose to your average frat boy can tell you, a similar ‘allergy’ can occur when one’s menu consists of alcohol, alcohol, and more alcohol.  But when you have a team of publicists and agents working for you to make sure that your job on a network TV show will still be there when you are released from the hospital, all things are possible.   So what might just be chalked up to Charlie Sheen finding another call girl and getting drunk turns into a psychiatric evaluation.  Clearly, the man’s got issues.  Bringing a paid date to dinner with his daughters, ages 6 and 5, is not the act of a clear-headed individual.

Fortunately, there is Denise Richards.  She has taken the high road when it comes to her divorce, but is not going to let this one slide.  She plans to stay on the high road, telling Joy Behar that, even though she knows what happened in the hotel room that night, she prefers to let Charlie tell the story himself.  When he gets out of the hospital.  Or rehab.  Or wherever he’s going next.  What she didn’t say is how she plans to handle his visitation rights with little Sam and Lola.  Those are his daughters, in case he forgot.  They were all in New York for a family vacation.  Denise probably didn’t plan on any call girls and Charlie disappearing from the dinner table with one of them for half an hour.  She probably hadn’t put “visit Charlie in Psych Ward” into her Blackberry.  But such is a vacation with Charlie Sheen.  And his allergies.

Achoo.

It seems that almost everyone wants to dress up as either Lady Gaga or one of the little disasters from Jersey Shore.  T-shirts with silk-screened abs are very popular, and Snooki wigs are hopping off of the shelves like lice out of the Smush Room.  But with Lady Gaga, there are so many choices as to which fashion disaster one can mimic.  Drag queens all over the world are finding themselves in quite a quandary.  Is it practical and financially possibly to acquire and dismember enough Kermit the Frog dolls to recreate Gaga’s infamous frog frock?  Is it safe to walk around in fishnets, a bra, and a Yankees Jersey?  Definitely not in Boston or Texas, but that’s another issue.  Is there any way to imitate the crown of diamonds from her insanely popular video for “Bad Romance”?   There are so many questions when it comes to dressing like Lady Gaga.  Even when it isn’t Halloween.

Toxoplasmosis: a small price to pay for a great Haloween costume.

A Connecticut newspaper thought itself responsible for making the public aware of certain dangers associated with dressing like the Grammy-winning singer.  The Hartford Courant felt it necessary to warn readers of the possible ramifications of wearing a dress made of raw meat, as the singer famously did at this year’s Video Music Awards.  Apparently, donning uncooked beef puts a person at a risk of getting campylobacteriosis, which can lead to dystentery, muscle aches, fever, and various other symptoms.  Another possibility, according to the article, is that your prime rib hat or meat purse can lead to toxoplasmosis, a bacterial infection that can cause brain damage or even death.  Yes, meat can not only be murder, but suicide as well.

When it comes to the Meat Dress idea, I just can’t figure out whether to use a pattern or a recipe.

Other popular costumes this year come from films, with lots of Edwards and Bellas running around hand-in-hand; characters from Tim Burton’s Alice in Wonderland, including Alice, the Queen of Hearts, and the Mad Hatter in particular; various of the creatures from Avatar; and Harry Potters and Jack Sparrows by the score.

Even more disturbing than the Meat Dress is Antoine Dodson’s attempt to cash in on his 15 minutes by creating an Antoine Dodson: Bed Intruder costume.  In his homemade advertisement, he warns people that when trick-or-treaters arrive, to “hide yo kids, hide yo wife”.  Charming, and obviously a huge moneymaker.

For anyone with less than $1000 and a willing butcher with extra flank steak, simple Barack Obama masks are wildly popular, although wearing them in Tea Party states might be more dangerous than a Meat Dress on a hot night in a yard full of angry pit bulls.

Maybe it’s wise to stay in this year with a nice ice luge and good friends.

But has she seen the cover of his new album?

Kanye West has done a few things over the past week to draw more attention to himself.  It has, after all, been so long since his soul-stirring, profanity-laced performance at the VMAs.  He appeared on Ellen making an entrance that people naturally called ‘the greatest entrance of all time’ through a trap door on the studio steps.  He appeared humble and talked about the time he took after his 2009 VMA fiasco when he went to Japan to avoid the paparazzi, and then returned to the US, moving to Hawaii instead of going back to LA right away.  But what was that blinding light from his mouth?  Certainly not words of wisdom.  He had all of his bottom teeth replaced with diamonds and white gold.  It’s not a grill, like most rap artists choose to wear and have the option to remove.  It’s not even the bonded diamonds a la Lil Wayne (although Weezy thought it wise to have those removed before he went off to prison on a gun possession charge).  Not for Kanye West.  His bottom teeth are a thing of the past, and now there are diamonds where once there were pearly whites.  He thought it was a “rock star” thing to do.  While it may seem silly, those cutting edges will probably making eating corn on the cob a snap now.  Like a rock star.

He so eloquent.

Kanye West also released a new album.  In his effort to stay under the radar and avoid controversy, he named it “My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy”.  The cover art features a drawing of a werewolf-like Kanye bearing his teeth while being straddled by a naked creature with the body of a woman, the wings of a dove, and the tail of a Dalmatian.  Several retailers are refusing to sell the album because of the cover.  Again, West took his outrage to Twitter, writing, “Banned in the USA!!!  They don’t want me chilling on the couch with my phoenix!”  While we have to commend Kanye for using spell-check for the first time, his grasp of mythology is predictably lacking.  Being blackballed from Wal-Mart is a good thing for his album sales, and he knows it.  His entire career has fed on controversy.  While he found that getting hammered on Hennessey and attacking a 19 year-old at an awards show was pushing it too far, he still knows that talent alone will not get him the metric tons of attention he requires for daily survival.  Controversial cover art is not a new idea, so West is not blazing any trails here.  But he does have something to tweet about, and that’s what really matters.

Kanye loves his conflict, but he needs to keep it legal.  If he ends up in jail with those teeth, there’s only one possible outcome, and it involves him becoming someone’s girlfriend.

It’s official.  Mel Gibson has been confirmed as having a cameo in the upcoming sequel Hangover 2.  Now everyone’s favorite anti-Semitic, misogynistic alcoholic can have his dreamy blue eyes appear on the big screen again.  How did this happen?  The original movie was about fun-loving guys getting into trouble in Las Vegas, but it was relatively harmless trouble, and of the kind that women’s groups didn’t have to rally against.  Not exactly the sort of thing Mel has been known for lately.  Considering his most recent fame resulted from expletive-laced rants to the mother of his child, he seems an unlikely choice for a role in anything that doesn’t involve an orange jumpsuit and a PSA.

Mel Gibson: Living His Dream

After being dropped by the William Morris Agency in the wake of his legal issues involving ex-girlfriend Oksana Grigorieva, and even as the Los Angeles District Attorney debates whether or not he will be charged, he still managed to score a part in a film that was set to become one of the most popular sophomoric franchises in movie history.  People loved The Hangover.  There were questions about casting Mike Tyson in the original, but it appeared to do some good for his public image.  Gibson is undoubtedly hoping that this will do the same for him.  He will not play himself, as Tyson did, but will play an over-the-top tattoo artist in Thailand as the boys go there on a predictably wild vacation.  It seems that the wounds might be a little too fresh in Gibson’s case, especially with charges still pending, but someone at Warner Bros. seems to think that this is a great idea.  Gibson’s people have already begun their smear campaign against his ex, claiming that her request for more child support must only be for “diamond diapers”.  Perhaps the script is weak and they hope that a controversial cameo by a violent drunk will drive people to the theaters.  For many of us, they could clone Bradley Cooper hundreds of times and have him appear shirtless in every scene, and it still wouldn’t make it worth the 9 bucks for a ticket.

The most inexplicable aspect of this whole deal is the person who has chosen to speak out in defense of Mel Gibson.  And no, this time it isn’t his ex-wife, who is clearly still under some kind of binding clause from the divorce that made her trade her soul for millions and millions of dollars.  It is Jodie Foster.  And of all the places she chose to speak out in favor of the man who referred to a female police officer as “sugart**s”, it was at ELLE magazine’s 17^th Annual Women in Hollywood Tribute.  Why, Jodie, why?  She called him “an undeniably gifted actor” and “a true and loyal friend”.  The only possible reason is that he recently starred in a yet-to-be-released movie with her and maybe she wants to get it some good press.  She has a lot to lose, as she is also the film’s director.  But the name of the movie is (wish I was kidding) The Beaver.

We can only hope for Jodie Foster’s sake that Gibson didn’t use that particular word in any of the voicemails he left for his ex.