Diamonds, Engagement Rings & Diamond Jewelry in popular culture

This Thursday marks the return of the Real Housewives of New York.  Somehow, all of the same annoying rich women will be whining about how difficult it is to be rich.  They must have all gotten the raises they wanted, because Ramona, Jill, Alex, Luann, Kelly, and Bethenny have all signed on again and filmed.  They are joined by two others, Sonja Morgan and Jennifer Gilbert.  The word is that, by the end of the season, everyone pretty much hates everyone else, which works out, since we all pretty much hate them already.

It seems that the newest wives aren't allowed to be photographed yet.

Evidently, Bethenny, riding high on the success of her Skinnygirl Margaritas and her book (or is it books); her pregnancy; and most importantly, her 8-carat diamond engagement ring, alienates even die-hard friend Jill Zarin.  Last season, they were constantly joined at the accents, with Bethenny’s voice only slightly less annoying.  They remained friends even through the fur-flying smackdown that was the reunion show.  But now, Bethenny’s got a man who is so whipped that he spends the summer driving her around the Hamptons in a branded Skinnygirl Margarita Volkswagen convertible.  You can bet that he carries her purse for her whenever she wants, too.  Now she’s also got another deal with Bravo for her own show, called “Bethenny’s Getting Married?” 

To make sure she was still getting attention, Kelly Bensimon posed naked for Playboy.  Alex and Simon are still, apparently, just over the moon about each other, no matter how disgusting it is to other people.  Ramona and Jill are still just being Ramona and Jill.  There isn’t much to say about them, since neither is particularly interesting unless interacting with one of the others and characteristically starting a fight. 

Countess Luann—who revels in being “privileged”—went through a divorce, but still gets to keep her title.  This works out well now that she’s decided to make a career of being the new maven of etiquette.  Her book “Class with the Countess” wouldn’t exactly have flown off the shelves if it was called “Class with Luann”, which brings to mind wife-beater tank tops and banjos.  She decided to supplement her income by (God I wish I was kidding) recording an etiquette-related dance track called “ Money Can’t Buy Class”.  How delighted she must be to forever be known as She Who Walked in the Wig-Wearing Footsteps of Kim Zolciak. 

Speaking of Kim Zolciak, by the way, she has pulled a Lohan and switched teams to date DJ Tracy Young.  Without Big Papa to finance her blond wigs, ghetto nails, and ostentatious diamond jewelry, she almost had to (the horror!) get a job.  That is, until she found song lyrics written by her 9-year old and recorded “Tardy to the Party”, which, for some inexplicable reason, became popular, particularly at the numerous Kim Zolciak Drag Queen Lookalike pageants that she inspired.  That has brought the chain-smoking, wine-guzzling Atlantan enough revenue to keep her afloat for a while.  Hopefully, her kid will keep writing, or she’ll have to dump her girlfriend in favor of someone who makes some serious bank.

Why two new women chose to jump into the fray will forever be a mystery.  As will the reason that we keep tuning in to New York, Orange County, New Jersey, Atlanta, and whatever the new city will be.  These women are the car crash we can’t take our eyes off of.  Bless their hearts for making the rest of us look so easygoing and altruistic.  Tune in Thursday.

It seems that Ryan Phillippe, the actor who was once lucky enough to slip a wedding ring on the delicate and wildly-successful ring finger of Reese Witherspoon, has been unfaithful to his girlfriend.  Why this would shock said girlfriend is a mystery, considering how they met.  While Ryan was married to Witherspoon, he met Abbie Cornish and began a relationship with her, apparently not understanding that this is not consideried acceptable behavior.  Cornish must have been hypnotized by his curly locks and complete lack of consideration for his family.

Somehow, the couple lasted, long after Witherspoon divorced her cheating husband.  They even moved in together, and Cornish patiently waited for her philandering boyfriend to slip a diamond-encrusted, high-quality engagement ring on her somewhat-immoral finger.  Engagement rumors swirled.  The couple was seen together everywhere.  They were in luuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurve.   It might have been sweet if they didn’t start out in the midst of a high-profile divorce that involved the two young children Phillippe shares with Witherspoon.

And now—surprise, surprise—Phillippe has been seen with other women.  So after three years of delusional bliss, Cornish seems to be done with the actor.  She moved her stuff out of their shared home while her man was visiting with his two kids he had with the woman he cheated on with her.

During the time that Phillippe was in his doomed relationship with young Abbie, his ex-wife scored the ever-adorable Jake Gyllenhaal.  They were cuter than a roomful of tiny kittens riding a fleet of Roombas.  But they split, allegedly because Jake wanted to get married, but Reese didn’t seem to be ready to go there.  Small wonder.  She busies herself with raising her children and being America’s sweetheart.

Ryan Phillippe is, unfortunately, a good actor and is considered hot by many women.  Clearly.  He will find another, or woo Cornish back while still continuing to cheat, because he can.  It’s Hollywood.  Cheaters can keep cheating and the chicks still come a-runnin’.  It happens in the real world, too, but people are less likely to Tweet about it.  We are a culture of people who would rather see phone-quality photographs posted on Facebook pages if famous people are involved.  Who reads a blog to find out that Joe Average is having affairs when we can read about famous people doing bad things?

Poor Abbie.  Poor, poor Abbie.  But how in the name of all that is holy did she not see this train barreling down the tracks, straight for her?

Yes, we’re still talking about MTV’s runaway hit Jersey Shore, thanks to the controversy raised by Italian-American advocacy groups speaking out against them.  Now the heavily hair-gelled, silicone-enhanced, diamond-stud-wearing crew is asking for a raise.  They want $10,000 per episode.  JWoww evidently needs more cash to make those glorified napkins she’s calling her ‘signature’ tops to reveal her impressive chest.  And the electric bills from ironing their wife-beater tank tops must be outrageous.  Then there’s the cost of the gym memberships, the tanning salon visits…I could go on.

It costs a lot to keep your hair this high and your skin this orange.

So Snooki, “The Situation” and Pauly D, among others, are asking for more.  According to the New York Post, MTV “would like the popular names to return, but if the cast doesn’t agree to lower their demands, producers can easily replace them”.  True enough.  After all, Snooki is already bucking for her own reality show Snookin’ For Love, in which, she proudly announced, about 25 ‘guidos’ would compete for her love.  Maybe she should talk to Flavor Flav before she counts on reality TV to find her a soulmate.  But she certainly won’t have difficulty locating 25 ‘guidos’.  We’ve all seen the bar scenes.  Their particular corner of the shore is crawling with heavily-muscled, under-educated, orange fellas.

The current cast has taken full advantage of their new celebrity status.  They’ve partied in Las Vegas, met famous people, and have a following even among the Hollywood elite.  Michael Cera is such a fan that he not only hung with the cast, but allowed them to give him a guido makeover, famously moussing his hair skyward.  Ben Affleck has said that he hasn’t seen the show, but feels like he should.  The cast has even been photographed with the cast of The Hills and met Lindsay Lohan.  They must be so proud.  Maybe JWoww and Heidi Montag can discuss flotation-device-sized cosmetic enhancements.  Or their own burgeoning careers as fashion designers.

On the reunion show after this season wrapped, Sammi and Ronnie, speculated throughout the run to be on the road to shopping for Jersey quality engagement rings, broke up.  They cited Sammi’s apparent flirtation with a police officer and Ronnie possibly hooking up with JWoww.  Tears, anger, and running mascara ensued.  In never-before-seen footage, Mike “The Situation” comforts a crying Sammi and kisses her ‘near her mouth’.  Ronnie became angry in true Jersey Shore style, saying, “It really makes no difference to me. I cut girls quicker than barbers do, to be honest with you”.

It would be worth it to see Snooki at a ‘barber’, who would probably have no idea to give her the gravity-defying style that defines her.  Only a Jersey stylist, the same ilk that gave Adrianna on The Sopranos (prior to her death) her entertaining hairdos, could possibly execute such a move.

Snookin For Love is practically a go, although it sounds more VH1 than MTV.  As for the rest of the cast, they’ve already made impressive bank and can ride this fame wave for long enough to parlay it into their own spinoffs, or, as JWoww is already pursuing, clothing lines.

Our best wishes to the rest of the cast, wherever they end up.

Beyonce proved this New Year’s that she is either completely unaware of politics or that she can be bought for the right price.  The woman who performed at President Obama’s Inaugural Ball somehow decided it would be nice to perform for the youngest son of notorious Libyan bad guy Moammar Gaddafi to help him ring it the New Year.  Decked out in her traditional low-cut, leg-baring attire and diamonds, diamonds, diamonds, the famous songstress performed five songs at Hannibal (not kidding) Gaddafi’s St. Bart’s Annual New Year’s Bash.  Had she been performing in a more conservative, Middle Eastern country, she would have been required to cover herself.  But Hannibal knows better than to try and cover up the woman who considers herself “bootylicious”.

This Once-Admired Songstress...

What would make a person perform for someone like Hannibal Gaddafi?  Forgetting for a split second that he is the son of one of the world’s most reviled terrorist leaders (although Dad has made small efforts to make nice with the West), it seems that Hannibal himself is really not a very nice person.  On Christmas Day, 7 days before Beyonce’s performance, Hannibal beat his wife so violently that she suffered a broken nose and tremendous facial bleeding.  He was not prosecuted because of the ever-disgusting “Diplomatic Immunity” laws.  Charming.  Prior to that, he and his lovely wife were caught beating their servants in Switzerland.  Papa Moammar defended his son’s honor (and I use that term loosely) by arresting all Swiss nationals in Libya and closing all Swiss-owned businesses.  It worked.  Hannibal got off again.  He’s also driven drunk on the wrong side of the street, fought with police, and generally behaved like a spoiled child.  A spoiled 33-year-old child.  And Diplomatic Immunity has been his ever-present “get out of jail free” card.

...Performed For This Wife-Beating Criminal. Happy New Year!

Nonetheless, our Beyonce proved that she will sing for anyone if the price is right.  But it’s not like she needs the money.  She’s made millions upon millions herself, and husband Jay-Z is a giant in recording and producing music, and is part-owner of the popular 40/40 Club and New Jersey Nets.  He also has a clothing line (who doesn’t?).  With a net worth of over $150 million, it seems that his wife doesn’t need to perform for criminals to make ends meet.

But perform she did.  Her price appears to be $2 million.  In attendance at this vile $12,000/table display were stars like Russell Simmons, Jon Bon Jovi, Lindsay Lohan, Miranda Kerr and, of course, her hubby.  Those Gaddafis can certainly bring in the star power.

Again, how can the woman who tearfully sang the Etta James classic “At Last” for Michelle and Barack Obama’s first dance as President and First Lady justify performing at that particular event.  There were surely other offers on the table.

But then, being married to someone who recorded the track “Money, Cash, Hoes” doesn’t really have that much to live up to, I guess.

Some of us were crushed when Soundgarden split up.  The band had recently had a string of hits, a phenomenon that generally directly precedes the demise of all great bands, especially hardcore grunge bands.  In 1996, Metallica refused to play Lollapalooza unless Soundgarden also played.  This further validation of their popularity was the final death knell for one of the original great grunge acts, who split in 1997 after a tension-filled world tour.  Bandmates focused most of their anger on singer Chris Cornell, who brought his own Yoko into the picture after he put a wedding ring on the finger of Alice In Chains manager Susan Silver.  Some claim that members of Soundgarden asked Silver to take over managing duties.  Most call her “Yoko”, which is never a good thing.

BUT THE GREAT NEWS IS…

A Soundgarden reunion was announced by uber-hottie Cornell on New Year’s Day. 

No "One Tree Hill" Soundtrack Nonsense Here.

Genius Guitarist Kim Thayil, Bassist Ben Shepherd, and Drummer Matt Cameron have been playing together recently, have been interviewed together, and seemed to get on just fine.  There was only one thing missing from the equation that equals Soundgarden: the screaming vocals of one Chris Cornell.  And the boys didn’t seem too anxious to see him again, with Thayil even saying, “I’d imagine [a reunion] could [happen], it’s perfectly within the realm of possibilities—everyone’s still alive.  But I don’t see it happening”.  That was in early 2009.  The implication is that they didn’t feel the love for Cornell anymore.

I mean, he has changed.  He’s married again, has 2 new kids, and lives in Paris.  He recorded his last album with hip-hop producer Timbaland.  The good thing about “Scream” is that it did show us that Chris hasn’t lost his formerly-signature vocal ability.  The bad thing is…well, pretty much everything else.  It was like someone put him on a short leash.  Even the video for the single “Scream” makes it seem like he was dying to push further. 

Some of us still crave “Pushing Forward Back”, not ‘restrained vocals with a backbeat suitable for “One Tree Hill”’.  I mean, really.  We don’t want “Part of Me”.  We want “Big Dumb Sex”.

The band reunited onstage with Pearl Jam on October 6, 2009.  During the encore, Temple of the Dog reunited for “Hunger Strike”, and, like magic, all four members of Soundgarden were collaborating. 

After all, everyone has changed since 1997.  Everyone cut their hair, married, had kids.  Well, Kim Thayil still looks and acts exactly the same, continuing to rock out all over the Seattle area.  He’s the exception that makes the rule, the walking time machine.  But Ben Shepherd has a daughter and owns an upscale Seattle bar called “Hazelwood”.  Matt Cameron is happily married and has 2 kids of his own.  I mean, these guys are now in their 40s. 

On the re-vamped SoundgardenWorld.com, the video on the homepage is vintage Soundgarden, a live performance of “Get On The Snake”, showing four guys needing haircuts and showers, banging their collective heads.  They are bringing us back to the truly good days of Soundgarden, even before “Black Hole Sun” tore up the charts and marked the beginning of the end for a band that was best when only hardcore fans had any idea who they were.

There is a story that went with the release of “Superunknown”.  It was said that the song “Like Suicide” was written by Cornell after a bird flew into his window.  To end the severely-injured animal’s suffering, it is said that he hit it with a brick.

For Soundgarden’s fans, we have finally been hit with a similar brick, and our suffering will soon end.  Now we just have to see if we still own flannel.

Daniel Radcliffe Will Never Live “Equus” Down.

Ever since our beloved little Harry Potter blossomed into a handsome—though short—teenager, young ladies are seeing him a bit differently.  Gone is our shy, unassuming little man with the unfortunate bowl haircut.  In comes the guy who took it all off on Broadway, who revealed his little Harry in front of live audiences and got rounds of applause of standing O’s all around (so to speak). 

Once You Go Equus, You Never Go Back.

In the upcoming Harry Potter film, “Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows”, Radcliffe will go au naturel with Hermione.  As a person who has read the entire series, cover-to-cover, and on their release dates, I don’t recall any of the characters appearing in the raw.  In the film version of “Goblet of Fire”, even when Harry was in the Prefect’s bathtub, he was carefully surrounded by bubbles and the scene was filmed in such a way that only Moaning Myrtle seemed to get a charge out of it.  And while the characters all began to emerge as attractive adults, with Hermione dating Durmstrang Tri-Wizard Champion Viktor Krum; with Harry falling for Cho Chang, who was, at the time, involved with Cedric Diggory (played by a pre-Twilight and well-shorn Robert Pattinson); and with Ron clearly in love with Hermione but unable to speak it. 

Our little Hogwarts kids were growing up.

While Daniel Radcliffe was taking his bare bows onstage, Emma Watson (Hermione) was posing in suggestive ad campaigns for high-end designers and even accepted an engagement ring from boyfriend Jay Barrymore, who was afraid she’s go off the University in America and meet some other guy.  Which she, evidently, did.  Enter drummer Rafael Cebrian of Spanish band The Monomes—don’t worry that you’ve never heard of them.  No one had, until Hermione Granger Emma Watson started dating their drummer.  The story is that they met at Brown and have been “hanging out”, although Watson’s fiancé was making plans as recently as late October to move to the States to be with her.  Rupert Grint, our flame-headed and painfully shy Ron Weasley, has managed to stay out of the tabloids by not dating.

But nothing was going to keep this story—ahem—undercover.  “Deathly Hallows” Director David Yates created scenes in which Harry could be in the buff again.  For some kind of magical creature to conjure a scene in which Harry and Hermione are kissing without clothes to bring out Ron’s jealousy is one thing, but to have him standing at King’s Cross Station stark naked just seems a little uncalled-for.  Granted, the Harry Potter series started collecting fans of all ages, and the kids who began reading “Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone” are now well into their teens and maybe wanting to see a little more magical skin.

If they missed “Equus”, they’ll get their chance to see new parts of Harry Potter.  Anyone who has seen a fashion magazine in the last two years has seen little Hermione turn into a bit of a sex kitten for the sake of fashion.  And, if you have an itch to see Ron Weasley without a shirt, the 2010 release of the film “Cherrybomb” will show a completely different, darker side of the actor (again, so to speak). 

Some of us don’t really want to think of Harry Potter as even HAVING naughty bits.  Alan Strang, his character from “Equus” can have the naughty bits.  But now that he’s opened the floodgates (yet again, so to speak), Daniel Radcliffe has also opened the door to having any director decide to write in naked scenes.

Harry, what would Lily and James say?  And where’s that Invisibility Cloak when you need it?

New York — Alex Rodriguez, the New York Yankees slugger, is once again playing spiritual musical chairs.  Girlfriend Kate Hudson, credited by the Yankees’ staff for A-Rod’s recently-stellar performance on the field, is exposing him to more than previously thought—he’s now experimenting with Buddhism.  A source reveals that, “it seems like Alex really just wants to make her happy.”

"Let's root, root, root for the Buddha!"

‘Happy’ includes house-hunting on both east and west coasts, since Kate is LA-based and A-Rod is New York-based.  With the two preparing to share a house, it can’t be long before we see Kate wearing a sparkly new engagement ring.  But that’s for the post-season.  For now, Hudson and her friends are content to drape prayer beads over the railing in front of her seat, picking them up to say whichever Buddhist prayer there is for making it to the World Series.

That Bodhidharma—he thought of EVERYTHING.

According to the New York Daily News, A-Rod has been “flirting with Buddhism”, since Kate has been a longtime follower of the practice.  His true devotion is a bit questionable, however.  When he was dating Madonna prior to her dumping him for an even younger hot Latino, he studied Kabbalah.  Now that she’s got a guy named Jesus turning into a Jew for her, the smitten third-baseman has decided that it is Buddha who will guide him.  If he starts dating porn star Asia Carrera, he won’t know whom to thank for his success.  She’s an atheist.

If Alex Rodriguez doesn’t settle down soon, he’s likely to go through every deity in the book.  Then to whom will he pray for monstrous home runs and bullet-like throws to first base?  Will all the gods turn on him?  Will he resort to acknowledging genetics, supplements, and good coaches?

Right now, all the credit for his recent success on the field has gone to his—ahem—active relationship with Kate Hudson.  She’s been filling him with self-confidence nightly, while he’s been filling her with Buddha-knows-what.

If the Yankees want to give brownie-points to Kate Hudson or Buddha for Alex’s athletic performance, that’s fine.

Just keep him away from Marilyn Manson.

And In Other News: The Sky Is Blue

Anaheim, California – New York Yankees Closer Mariano Rivera was caught in the middle of a controversy in which he was accused of…wait for it…spitting.  As natural to baseball players as crotch-grabbing and picking up women, spitting is just a part of the game.  Mariano Rivera is as likely to accumulate mucous as the next person, and, because he’s a ballplayer and spitting is what they do, he spat.

Is This The Face of A Spitballer?

But this is the ALCS.  Serious business.  Despite the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim (with the worst name in all of baseball) actually winning the game, fans of LAA needed to make a fuss over something, and it was the salivary glands of a Yankees pitcher that they chose to focus on.  Perhaps tiring over blaming the deep pockets of the Yankees ownership and their consequent ability to sign an almost-all-marquee staff, the subject of Monday night’s game would be phlegm.

Um, get a life, folks.

Going into the controversial playoff game, the Yankees led the series 2-0.  Game three proved itself to be an 11-inning nail-biter, but the Angels emerged victorious.  The Yankees now only had a 2-1 series lead, and the underdogs felt—possibly for the first time—like they had a shot.  And then some idiot with a YouTube account decided to make things more interesting.

An unbelievable amount of other YouTube videos showing slow-motion versions of Rivera’s alleged spit-ball, versions including commentary by fans, the actual FOX footage from the game, and so on.

The “damning evidence” shows Rivera looking intently at the ball, then looking towards the plate, then spitting.  He then rubbed the ball before throwing his pitch.

Let’s review.  A pitcher looked at the baseball he was about to throw it.  Then the same pitcher looked towards the target at which he would be throwing the aforementioned baseball.  Preferring to pitch without fluid in his mouth—or, perhaps, because it might be a superstitious thing he does before each pitch—the player then discharges any saliva.  As he prepares to throw the ball, he rubs it.  Maybe he wants to make sure he has a good grip.  Such things are important when you’re a fireball-throwing legendary closing pitcher.

Then some clown with a camera-phone and too much free time claims that the pitcher was spitting on the ball, which, in case you didn’t aren’t aware, is a big no-no in baseball.

Mariano Rivera is one of the most feared and respected closers in the game.  He doesn’t need to spit on a ball.  If he weren’t among the best, he wouldn’t be playing for a team that can buy any player they want.  He is now in year 2 of a 3-year, $45 million dollar contract that made him the highest-paid closer in the game when he signed.  During the 2008 season, he was chosen to announce the winner of a promotion that offered a diamond engagement ring and proposal in front of 50,000 fans at Yankee Stadium.  He also gave the winner tips on married life, as the devout Christian pitcher has been happily with his wife since 1991.  That’s like 100 years of marriage in Baseball World, where wives come and go like the tides.  He is even the judge in the Yankees’ Clubhouse Kangaroo Court, in which players are fined for various offenses that anyone not on the team can’t—and probably doesn’t want to—know about.

This is not a man who cheats.  He doesn’t have to.

After reviewing tapes of the supposed ‘event’, the Office of the Commissioner of Major League Baseball cleared Rivera of any wrong-doing.  Even Angels’ Manager Mike Scioscia said, “There are certainly some guys that might be suspect.  Never Mariano…I’d be shocked if there was anything to that.”

Dude didn’t even get upset when he found out that conspiracy theorists were after him  “Why would I get mad?” Rivera said. “I mean, I care about what the fans think about me, but if somebody has followed my career for years, that’s a lot of spit.”

Everyone who is not a Yankees fan must accept a few truths: A. They can afford to buy the best in the game, and they do, every single year.  B. Money can go a long way towards buying a championship—but not always.  C. Even if you can’t stand the Yankees, even if you want to burn Steinbrenner in effigy every day of the year, there are some actually good men—not just good players—on the team.  (When did we stop mocking A-Rod for dating Madonna, anyway?)

Crying foul every time a ballplayer shoots some phlegm onto the field is like getting mad at a teenaged boy for stealing his mother’s Victoria’s Secret catalog.

Either way, a man’s gotta get his fluids out.

What better way to promote a new movie than by getting divorced, or—better still—letting out rumors of divorce?  Rumors of marriage, fake marriage, infidelity and impending divorce are all fantastic ways to create buzz about an upcoming film/CD/television show.  Easy to ignore?  Maybe.  But, on the other hand, sometimes not.

Jennifer Lopez went to the premiere of “The Curious Case of Benjamin Button” with neither wedding ring nor undernourished husband.  Did this mean there was trouble in the Lopez/Anthony household?  Were twins Max and Emme about to become just the next children of a broken home (or several broken mansions, as the case may be)?  When a woman goes out without her 8-carat diamond wedding ring, sometimes rumors start.  When that person is an oft-married celebrity, rumors FLY.

Marriage Troubles, Or A New Movie Coming Out?

Clearly, with a new movie coming out, she needed a shot of press attention, STAT.  The upcoming movie, “Plan B”, is about a single woman who uses artificial insemination to conceive and then finds romance.  Didn’t I see an episode of “Will & Grace” like that?  Anyway, it’s a movie coming out in 2009, and no one heard of it until the clever ‘divorcing Marc Anthony and going to her own Plan B’ rumors started swirling around.

A few nights after the wedding ring-less movie premiere, J. Lo and Marc Anthony went out to dinner, together, wearing their wedding rings, and evidently looking all googly-eyed at each other.  Hopefully, Marc had a large meal, as he has spent his entire career looking sickly and vile, especially next to Jennifer Lopez and her notorious caboose. 

It is difficult to speculate as to the strength of the J. Lo/Marc Anthony union.  Jennifer has been married quite often, after all, and you never know when it’s time to trade up.  Marc Anthony, who was little more than “who?” before marrying his megastar wife, might not be enjoying his role as Mr. Lopez.  Even starring in a movie together–one that no one saw–didn’t elevate his status. Who knows?  One thing is certain, however: they are both media-savvy enough to know that nothing garners attention so much as rumors of divorce.  Thank God for that, or “Plan B” might be released, totally unnoticed.  Tragic.

Kim Kardashian, one of our favorite people who is famous for being famous, has used the tremendous international credibility she earned on her reality television show “Keeping Up With The Kardashians” to score a job with the UN. Prior to her success on the small screen, she was recognizable only because of her last name. Her father, Robert Kardashian, was one of O.J. Simpson’s “dream team” of lawyers in his 1994 murder trial. By being wealthy, in Los Angeles, and having a J. Lo-style impressive rear-end, she was able to score a reality tv deal that has made her famous all over the world. A regular draw in the tabloids for her frequent naked magazine pictorials and a stolen sex tape released at just the right moment (thanks for the idea, Paris Hilton!), Kim was the only natural choice for UN Ambassador to South Africa. She is teaming up with Russell Simmons Diamond Empowerment Fund, which raises money for disadvantaged people in African nations in which diamonds are a natural resource.

UN Goodwill Ambassador, In Clothes

In one of the more touching and memorable episodes of “Keeping Up With The Kardashians”, the whole family—including Mother Kris and Stepfather Bruce Jenner (who appears to be the only one with sense in the family)—is touched by their experience in meeting a homeless man whom they had unceremoniously asked to leave the vicinity of their upscale clothing boutique. The younger sisters, Khloe and Kourtney (not kidding), feeling guilty, decide to bring the man home so he can shower and loofah in their mother’s shower, and then dress up in Bruce Jenner’s clothes. They also decide to pay for his to have his few teeth looked at by a dentist. When they realize—silly girls—that they have a photo shoot and can’t bring him to the dentist, they coerce Bruce into doing it, despite his recognition that his stepdaughters are complete idiots. In the end, they dump him off at a shelter, because everyone, especially the Kardashians, know that all problems are solved within the 30-minute time span of a television show.

So you can see why Kim is a perfect choice in a diplomatic position for the government. On December 1, 2008, Kim attended the Empowerment of Africa dinner in New York, an event planned by media mogul Russell Simmons to raise money for his Diamond Empowerment Fund. The organization supports education initiatives to empower the economically disadvantaged people in African nations that rely on diamond mining for international trade. Kim Kardashian did not accept the position merely to give her easier access to diamonds. She has been a long-time admirer of Angelina Jolie’s position as UN Goodwill Ambassador since 2001, and, since Kim has recently announced that she will no longer be posing nude, she has some extra time on her hands. The UN offered her the position because they are “looking for more influential ‘pop culture’ celebs to inspire younger generations to become more involved in international affairs” (Bossip.com). Kim herself has been inspired to help others before. After touring the Lower Ninth Ward of New Orleans and meeting a family of 4 living in a FEMA trailer for 3 years, the Kardashian girls all decided that they would take the family to buy all new furniture—for a house they don’t have. I guess it’s the thought that counts. That mother and her children will be the envy of everyone else in the endless rows of FEMA trailers when they are sitting outside in their brand-spanking-new recliners!

While in New Orleans, Kim and her sisters visited with Kim’s longtime boyfriend Reggie Bush of the New Orleans Saints. For months, there have been rumors about Kim getting an engagement ring from her Running Back honey, but, since Kim was already once married from 2000-2004, she is not hurrying down the aisle this time. Or so she says. Anyway, she has plenty to do, what with the tv show, the boutique, her website, posing nearly-naked, and shopping for clothes that, evidently, cut off circulation to her head. Oh yeah, and that UN thing.