Diamonds, Engagement Rings & Diamond Jewelry in popular culture

Who better to dispense marriage advice than Madonna?  The twice-wed, fresh meat-seeking singer is ready to “help” couples who seek that sort of thing on a television program hosted by Jerry Seinfeld instead of seeking the guidance of a therapist.  The show, called Marriage Ref features celebrities deciding who is right or wrong in disagreements between real spouses.  Kinda like Judge Judy, only less dignified.  Instead of disputes being settled with some kind of logic or law, they will be decided by famous people.  Famous people with questionable track records in the relationship department.  Madonna is the BIG star attraction thus far, and she’s proven herself more than worthy of reality television by rekindling her romance with 23-year-old Jesus Luz while in Brazil this past week. 

Unless Madonna can advise me on how to get one of these, I'm not watching.

Also scheduled to appear on the show are Sarah Silverman, Matt Lauer, Cedric the Entertainer, Matthew Broderick, Alec Baldwin, Larry David, and Charles Barkley, among others.  If Charles Barkley told me I was wrong in an argument, I might not agree, but I wouldn’t say anything.  Alec Baldwin has famously made a fool of himself during his divorce from Kim Basinger, leaving horrifying voicemails for their daughter.  Jerry Seinfeld is happily married to a woman he met just after she returned from the honeymoon following her first happy (but very short) marriage.   Excellent therapists. 

Ricky Gervais, who will also appear on the show, has been with the same woman for 18 years, but has yet to commit to wedding rings.   Eva Longoria Parker, Tina Fey, and Martin Short are also signed up for the show.  According to executives of the Marriage Ref, the celebrities aren’t required to have a great relationship track record; they merely have to be persuasive enough to comedian Tom Papa—the actual Marriage Ref himself—that they are right.

And so we can look forward to all sorts of comedy and commentary from famous people as they give their opinions about other peoples’ relationships.  Some of it should be quite entertaining, but, as with most of these sorts of shows, very little is likely to be resolved.  It’ll be awesome to see what kinds of couples are willing to sit, straight-faced, while celebrities make a mockery of their marital woes.  I guess it’s gotta be cheaper than marriage counseling.

The show begins on February 28, after the Olympics.  All the world, too lazy to reach for the remote, will be watching.

Jennifer Love Hewitt Better Get a Ring SOON, Says Jennifer.

One would think that most men would avoid Jennifer Love Hewitt after her much-reported emotional neediness and demands for marriage.  After ex-fiancé Ross McCall was endlessly called to her side to massage her ego and profess his undying love, the couple finally split.  Whispers around the set of Hewitt’s show “Ghost Whisperer” said that she was constantly calling him to the set and then yelling at him when he showed up.  Before that, former boy-bander Rich Cronin received his token eternity band from her, but she dumped him over the phone while on a movie set far, far away.  Soon after, he saw tabloid photos of her with seven different men while they were still an item.  Evidently, Rich wasn’t in a hurry to get married.  At least not enough of a hurry.

One of These People is Thinking About an Engagement Ring. One is NOT. Guesses?

J. Love’s biological clock has been ticking so loudly that the whole world can hear it. 

Jamie Kennedy, who met Hewitt on the “Ghost Whisperer” set, was evidently sucked into the vortex that is her ample cleavage, and has been unable to claw his way out.  After only a few months of dating, the pair was rumored to be engaged after they had, allegedly, been seen ring shopping.  That turned out to be untrue.  Kennedy freaked and was very quick to let everyone know that it was absolutely, 100% NOT true. 

Hewitt, of course, responded by saying, “God, would that be the worst thing in the world?  Excuse me, but just for a second, there’s a line of people who would probably be okay with that.”

Yes, Jennifer, if this was 1998 and we were still watching “Can’t Hardly Wait” on HBO.

Then she went on to say, “A timeline?  By this time next year, if we’re not planning something, then there’s a situation.”

Nothing sexier to a man than an ultimatum.  It must have driven her nuts when he pretended to propose to her onstage as a part of his stand-up act, only to explain later that it was a joke.  What are the odds that she found it funny?

Jessica Simpson Asks to Please, Please, Please Get Married?

Jessica Simpson didn’t so much threaten as beg, which, as we know, men find equally sexy to an ultimatum.  Evidently, Tony Romo was finally driven to dump J. Simp the night before her Barbie-and-Ken-themed birthday party because of her incessant talk about settling down.  She was busy dropping hints about getting an engagement ring for her 29th birthday.  She had previously dropped hints last Christmas, after 1 year of dating.  A week later, she dropped further hints for New Year’s.  Also before Valentine’s Day.  I’m betting that Tony tensed up around Groundhog Day as well.  Every minute on the golf course with Creepy Papa Joe Simpson must have been a nightmare for the ever-more-popular quarterback.  Just as he’s starting to get famous and the chicks are starting to dig him, he ends up in the middle of the Beverly Hillbillies. 

One of These People is Thinking about an Engagement Ring. One is Thinking "It Just Isn't Worth It." Guesses?

So finally, on the eve of her really, really lame little-girl-style birthday fiesta, after she talks about marriage again, Tony freaked, said he wasn’t ready, and ended it.

He was later seen swapping spit with 43 year-old actress Michelle Johnson, who was, evidently, on “Melrose Place” and “Tales from the Crypt”.  Seems the only thing she’s done worth mentioning in the last 10 years is Tony Romo.

It seems that the lesson to be learned here is: It doesn’t matter how big your rack is.  You can’t force someone into marrying you.

Somehow, the generally-misogynist, testosterone-fueled bastion of maleness that is American Football finally found its limit.  The NFL joined CTV (the Canadian broadcaster of yesterday’s Superbowl) in banning ads for Ashley Madison, a website that reads: “Life Is Short.  Have An Affair.”  Ashley Madison was denied a spot in the Superbowl program before the NFL even looked at the ad.  Noel Biderman, president of Ashley Madison, found the hypocrisy of running ad after ad for alcohol, that there is no reason they shouldn’t run an print ad that reads: “WHO are you doing after the game?” with a picture of an oiled-up, scantily-clad, nearly-faceless woman straddling a football.

Certainly, this guy should act as our moral compass.

I Just Threw Up A Little.

The television ad, though banned in Canada, was approved by ESPN, CNN, Fox News, Bravo, and TLC.  It is a fairly innocent-looking ad, with a woman sitting across the table from her inattentive husband on their anniversary.  When he quickly leaves, ostensibly for something work-related, the woman makes eye contact with another man across the room and raises her eyebrows.  Then we see the words “Ashley Madison, When Divorce Isn’t An Option.”  Then the ‘o’ in ‘Madison’ falls down and makes the subtle sound of a wedding ring falling against a tabletop. 

Are you kidding me?  Have we so completely lost our collective consciences and ethics to the point that we encourage a company to pay $3 million for a 30-second ad that encourages adultery?

Evidently, we have.  Biderman explains that Ashley Madison doesn’t convince anyone to cheat, but it offers them a convenient, online option once they have decided to do so.  In a press release, he stated that “Physical intimacy is no different than requiring oxygen to breathe or water to drink.  If it’s missing in your relationship, I don’t care who you are…you’re going to step outside the relationship.”  Perhaps Biderman chooses to equate “physical intimacy” with “anonymous sex with internet freaks”.  Perhaps Biderman himself chooses to justify unconscionable behavior by comparing the need to get some with the need for air.  Maybe he should just get a dog.  On the other hand, scratch that.

Soon, he’ll be expounding the biological need of a man to spread his seed, that it isn’t natural for a man to be with just one woman.  This argument, the “Men Are Like Lions” Manifesto, is flawed for 2 reasons: 1. Female lions are the ones most likely to be polygamous, and 2. We are higher on the evolutionary scale than lions, and have the ability to make informed choices.

This perfectly-innocent company boasts on its website that it has the 2nd best female-to-male ratio on the internet, at nearly 2-to1.  It offers options for single men and women seeking singles as well, attached men and women seeking opposite sex, men seeking men, and women seeking women.  There is a list of interests, ranging from cooking to bondage. 

A friend once took me to a website called “OnlineBootyCall.com”, and I was horrified.  But at least it was filthy and on the down-low and didn’t claim to be otherwise.  But Ashley Madison, with its well-organized, attractive, easy-to-navigate website, claims to be classy, even though, in the top right-hand corner of each page are the words “Life Is Short.  Have An Affair.”  And the television ads, which end with the words: “When Divorce Isn’t An Option”, well, that’s charming. 

Maybe it’s just me, but hoovering all of the romance out of relationships and going world-wide to advertise and encourage infidelity, well, that’s just a little sad.  Besides, if the NFL—with its reputation of violence, of players shooting themselves and others, of convictions in criminal court for animal cruelty—won’t run the ads because the concept is too tasteless, it’s got to be really, really bad.  Nonetheless, Biderman has gone on Tyra Banks, Ellen DeGeneres, and CNN to justify his website.  Too bad Jerry Springer isn’t on the air anymore.

Ashley Madison is trying to ring the final death knell for romance and good taste. 

“SWF seeking man without internet access.”