Diamonds, Engagement Rings & Diamond Jewelry in popular culture

All of those medical marijuana licenses must have been approved, because federal prosecutors in Northern California have nothing better to do than pick on Barry Bonds again.  This will be the third time they file charges against the former San Francisco Giants slugger: once for allegedly using illegal performance-enhancing drugs, once for allegedly lying to a grand jury about using performance-enhancing drugs, and once for—oops, that’s twice for allegedly lying about the drugs.  Seriously, aren’t there criminals to chase?  Walk through Golden Gate Park at night and you’ll see that there are bigger fish to fry than a guy who hit baseballs for a living.  But here are a bunch of folks who worked their tails off, spending several years going into debt in school and many more earning meager wages as they clawed their paths up the legal ladder, and then there is a guy who spent one short year in the minors before bursting onto the Major League scene and its matching salary.  Prosecutors can’t possibly be mad at someone who may have possibly lied 7 years ago.  They’re mad at someone who may have possibly lied 7 years ago while showing up in court with more money in diamonds hanging from his earlobes than each earns in a year.

"Maybe I used steroids, maybe not. Don't you have anything better to do?"

The law goes only so far, but bitterness is forever.

And so Barry Bonds is being indicted.  Again.  Really.  After we had forgotten, for the most part, about the whole BALCO scandal, about the whole steroid issue, about who was juicing whom.  We had gotten out of heads the horrifying images of Jose Canseco sticking a needle into Mark McGwire’s butt.  But when we think back, we scratch our heads as we try to remember how and why Barry Bonds somehow became the Big Fat Liar who needs to be hunted like a dog.  Out of all of the Major League players who went from reed-thin to freakishly muscular in less than an off-season, it is Bonds whom prosecutors wanted to take down, and, like rabid bulldogs, they continue to hold on.  And whither Mark McGwire, Mike Piazza, Roger Clemens, Sammy Sosa, and Pudge Rodriguez?  Did showing up in court wearing bifocals make some of them appear frail enough to cause the grand jury to dismiss the idea that they had been using steroids?  Was there a personality portion of the trial?  Bonds made no attempts to charm the media or anyone, ever.  Perhaps being an egomaniacal jerk worked against him.

Correction:  being an openly egomaniacal jerk worked against him (I’m looking at YOU, Rocket Roger).

The charges have been reduced from 11 to 5. There are 4 counts of perjury because of the way he answered the question as to whether he ever took steroids from trainer Greg Anderson.  He responded, “Not that I know of.”  Oh, sure.  Presidents have been getting away with murder—literal murder in the form of pointless military action—by saying, “I don’t remember” or “Not that I recall.”  Ronald Reagan made a career of forgetting things long before he was symptomatic of Alzheimer’s.  But let someone who entertained millions (and put countless rear ends into Major League seats that would have otherwise sat empty) answer with tactical ambiguity and suddenly the wrath of the Northern Cali Feds rains down upon him.  There is also a lingering count of Obstruction of Justice for answering questions in ways that were vague and/or misleading.  Speaking of forgetfulness, that sounds like a repeat of the first charge, but with a different name.

And so the federal prosecutors in Northern California prepare for Barry Bonds’ March trial.  All of this in an era when Congressmen—currently holding office, decision-making married Congressmen—are placing shirtless ads on Craiglist trolling for chicks.

Focus, people.  Let the past be the past and put your efforts into trying to make the present a little less embarrassing for all Americans.  Barry Bonds can quietly retreat into a private life, applying ProActiv to his back in peace, and the Northern California Federal Prosecutors can, oh, I don’t know, fight crime.

The video has been played on every news media since Sunday, over and over.  It’s the one in which New York Jets Strength and Conditioning Coach Sal Alosi blatantly trips Miami Dolphins cornerback Nolan Carroll in the middle of a play.  He kept quiet about it while the Jets’ management decided what to do in a season that has brought them so much negative press already.  They obviously had to do something to punish him, and it needed to be swift and mighty, unlike their brushing-under-the-rug scandal policy thus far.  And the hammer did come down.  Alosi was suspended without pay for the remainder of the season, including the playoffs, and will be fined $25,000.  He is also forbidden to interact with players or staff  “as it pertains to his job function”, according to general manager Mike Tannenbaum.  Basically, this means that he can still go out drinking with the boys if he wants to and toast taking down a talented opposing rookie.  The NFL plans no further discipline, and no criminal charges of assault have been filed.  He may or may not be invited back to work next season.

It is this view, Sal Alosi, that you may never see again.

Alosi, of course, is all over the media with his contrition.  At a press conference, he was described in many articles, including the one released by the Associated Press, as “fighting back tears”.  Perhaps they saw a different version, because he mostly looked uncomfortable and anxious.  He was still waiting for the verdict from Jets management, and he was hoping the words “skinned alive” wouldn’t be in the press release.  He did say that he “wasn’t thinking” when he stepped forward and tripped Carroll, who was in a dead run along the sideline.  “That was the problem,” Alosi said. “I wasn’t thinking.”  When reading from his prepared statement, he admitted that, “I let everybody down with my actions…[they] were inexcusable and irresponsible.”

Well, duh.  In an effort to save his skin, he called Carroll to apologize.  He also apologized to Dolphins coach Tony Sparano, Jets coach Rex Ryan, GM Mike Tannenbaum, and owner Woody Johnson.  He may or may not have texted Brett Favre for taking some of the spotlight off of him.  Ryan said, “I was stunned that something like this actually took place.”  He went on to say that, although Alosi’s actions had “no business in this league or anywhere else,” he admired that the suspended coach never denied what he did and “that he stood up and he took responsibility.”

Well, he really didn’t have a choice.  It’s on video.  I was watching it on HuffingtonPost.com as soon as I got out of bed Monday morning.  He can no more deny it than Miley Cyrus can say she wasn’t hittin’ some wacky tabacky last weekend.  Welcome to the YouTube age, Sal.  You want to be Jack the Tripper, you’re gonna have to be way more subtle than that, should you ever be allowed within a mile of a football field ever again.

Last week, it looked like Brett Favre, the NFL’s own Humpty Dumpty, might have his Consecutive Games Started streak as broken as the many bones on his body.  When Bills’ linebacker Arthur Moats caused Favre to face-plant on his first pass of last week’s game, it seemed that his record might come to an end.  Few wept.  Sure, he’s a great quarterback, he can usually find a receiver, and he knows the game, but he’s become nothing but a giant thorn in the collective backsides of NFL staff and fans alike.  And with an injury every time he touches the field, he’s turned into Wendy Whiner.  Are you really hurt, Brett, or do you want to kick back in a recliner in a Snuggie drinking cocoa?  Just tell us.

"How do you feel, Brett?" "I CAN'T DECIDE!"

Well, he didn’t have to, because he got his day, as his prayers were answered in the form of 20 inches of snow dumped onto Minneapolis.  So while the Giants cooled their heels in Kansas City, Brett got to relax and waver back and forth, back and forth on his decision to play, as he has been known to do.  It seems that the Almighty enjoys this little game because the roof of the Metrodome collapsed in an event that can only be described as theatrical.  ‘Catastrophic’ isn’t the right word, as no injuries were reported, unless Favre pulled a muscle doing a Snoopy-esque happy dance.  Now the game that was going to be moved to a college field has been moved to Detroit, which means that the Vikings have an unplanned road trip, but it isn’t too far to go.

Through all of this, Favre has been seen throwing lightly and rubbing his arm.  With a 297-game streak, he was expected to give up on the dramatics shortly before game time to bring his number to 298.  I recall a disagreement I had with my brother in the 1990s regarding Cal Ripken Jr.’s consecutive games streak.  He argued that there comes a point when a player should bow out and do what is best for the team.  I argued that what was best for the team was to see the dedication of an older player who might only stay in for a few innings but show what commitment really is.  But football is not baseball.  There’s a big difference between third basemen who has lost a few steps and a quarterback who can’t throw.  A streak is a great thing, but Favre already has the NFL record of consecutive games started and a hefty ring covered in diamonds from Superbowl XXXI.  He’s achieved just about every possible award he can win, and he pays the fans and his teams back by doing the “will I, won’t I” game every chance he gets.  He did it so much that the Packers sent him packing, even though he had been a fan favorite and was still a great QB.

The latest news is that Brett sent a text message (you’d think he’d have learned by now) to NFL Network analyst Steve Mariucci on Sunday saying that it is “highly unlikely” that he’ll play.  However, this is Brett Favre, so Vikings interim coach Leslie Frazier was sure to note that the decision would be left until game time.  In the meantime, backup QB Tarvaris Jackson led the Vikings to victory last Sunday and is prepared to play tonight.  Although he is young and just beginning his career, he can’t be enjoying this.  He can get all pumped up and ready to play, and with 30 seconds to game time, Humpty Dumpty can decide that he wants game 298.

If Favre does play tonight and plays badly, at least he won’t have the Minnesota fans in the house ready to rain down their disgust (and thousands of empty beer cups).  This is particularly important because I doubt his linemen would bother to protect him.

Yes, NFL players are to blame for their behavior.  But teams who hire only beautiful women to act as game hosts and sideline commentators are essentially chumming the water.  Why not let attractive female sports enthusiasts sit in a booth and act as game analysts?  Players would be less likely to toss the ball in the direction of their on-field reporters if the only payoff was to get a look up Terry Bradshaw’s skirt.

NFL Chums Water for Players, Makes Women into Meals.

When the story broke about Brett Favre sending naked pictures and provocative text messages to game host Jenn Sterger, it wasn’t surprising because of his actions.  It was surprising because the man had a squeaky-clean image, has been married for 14 years, and is a grandfather.  Other player sex scandals have come and gone with little surprise.  Were creeps like Ben Roethlisberger completely wrong, deserving to be strung up by their naughty bits?  Absolutely.  But there was no collective “oh, it can’t be” when we learned that various professional football players did bad things.  Football is a fantastic sport, but it is largely played by men we wouldn’t want to meet in dark alleys.  Whether we liked Brett Favre’s waffling over playing or not, he was still held up as a good-hearted family man with a charming southern accent and a loving wife.  Then Deadspin.com got a hold of the now-famous text messages, voicemails, and those photos, and all hell broke loose.  While Deanna Favre still stands by her husband’s side, still wearing the wedding ring he gave her, it would not be a shock to soon find that she is in an Elin Woods situation.

But another question comes up in all of this.  Why does the NFL hire unequivocally hot women to act as sideline commentators, inviting them into the locker rooms for post-game interviews and putting them into situations that are bound to blow up.  This is not—I repeat, NOT—the fault of these women.  They are not “asking for it” by wearing tight jeans and low-cut tops.  A woman should be able to wear whatever she wants.  On the other hand, a gorgeous woman surrounded by testosterone-fueled men is going to get a lot more than in-depth interviews with players.  Jenn Sterger, the woman who received Favre’s inappropriate passes, is a former model for Playboy and Maxim, and hosts games in less than conservative clothes.  It is certainly what many fans want to see, but there are repercussions.  When the New York Jets hired her, it wasn’t just for her love of the game.  If she looked more like John Madden in drag, she never would have gotten that job.

The same can be said of Ines Sainz, a television reporter, international sports commentator, and model.  She has been an athlete her whole life and has parlayed her love of sports into a career.  Her choice of sideline wardrobe has been called into question a number of times, as she favors short skirts, tight jeans, and halter tops.  That’s all fine for a night at the club, but might not be the wisest choices for interviewing male athletes.  These are men who are paid for their excessive testosterone levels and enormous sense of entitlement.  Sainz is 100% qualified for the job, but, again, the Jets probably would have hired someone else if she didn’t look like she was pulled from the pages of Mexican Playboy.

The feminist in me says that women should be able to wear what they want, when they want, whether they’re in locker rooms or not.  But the realist in me can help but think that it wouldn’t kill these women to button up a bit.

They’ll get harassed anyway.

It isn’t unusual for athletes and celebrities to branch out and use their popularity to sell merchandise.  It begins with endorses other people’s products, but then they begin hiring people to develop their own products.  Britney Spears and Mariah Carey, among countless others, have their own perfumes.  Paris Hilton also has energy drinks bearing her name.  50 Cent has his own Vitamin Water.  JWoww from Jersey Shore is developing a new line of hair extensions to match her classy club-wear.  In the breakfast cereal biz, it started with Wheaties putting famous athletes on the front of the box.  At the height of their popularity, Bill & Ted had their own semi-nutritious way to start your day.  And then Chad Ochocinco, receiver for the Cincinnati Bengals had his people create Ochocincos, which is basically Honey Nut Cheerios under a new name.  It was a good idea in theory, but he probably would have been better off being known as the guy who bought his Dancing with the Stars partner an extravagant diamond necklace and matching ring.  Not because his breakfast cereal is any worse than the many others, but because of an unfortunate typo on the box bearing his burly frame holding up the Os on either end of his name.

Offering more than just a healthy breakfast.

He deserves some credit for using his fame to promote a good cause, which is, in this case, Feed the Children.  In an effort to raise money for the charity, the toll-free number to donate was supposed to be printed on the box.  That number is (888) HELP-FTC.  Unfortunately, due to a typographical error, (800) HELP-FTC was put there instead.  Evidently, the letters associated with 435-7382 must also spell something pretty disgusting.  When a 9 year-old girl dialed the number, instead of hearing a prompt for donations to Feed the Children, she heard a sexy voice offering to “do anything you want”.  We can assume that pressing “1” would not direct her to the nearest donation center.  We can also guess that the 9 year-old was not interested in hearing “whatever it takes to pleasure you”.  Just a guess.  Prior to the discovery, Ochocinco took to Twitter to tell his followers that they should “order my cereal OCHOCINCOS.  Start your day with a lil suga!!”  This was clearly not the “suga” he planned on hawking to the masses.

Fortunately, a few helpful citizens, after reading of the mistake, called the number to see what it was about.  It did not, evidently, disappoint.  A few other upstanding members of the community took to the internet to see what those numbers can possibly spell besides “HELP-FTC”.  The answers were disturbing.  The only lingering question is how a phone-sex line could be a toll-free number.  I thought those were all 900 numbers which would charge outrageous fees to find out what this young lady and her “ultra-hot girlfriends” were capable of doing.  It takes a great deal of self-restraint to not find out the answer to that.  The easy way out was to check Ochocinco’s Twitter page, which was full of apologies.  He is, after all, known to be a good guy, and he was trying to do a good thing.  And he’s an athlete, not a copywriter.  Someone else dropped the ball (no pun intended) on this one.  It was small type on the back of the box.

But can someone, anyone, please tell me how he could let it slide that the giant name of the cereal reads “Ochocinco’s”? That is so wrong.

Michael Vick was as surprised as anyone to find out that he would, once again, be filling in for injured Philadelphia Eagles QB Kevin Kolb on Sunday.  Now, while Kolb resists the temptation to beat his head against the wall (he’s got a concussion, for those not in the know), Vick is proving what many of us already knew: he kicks a**.  After taking over for Kolb in the second half of the season opener, he ran for 103 yards—leading the team in rushing—and threw for 175, including a touchdown.  Despite his performance, Eagles head coach Andy Reid stands by Kolb as starting quarterback.  And why?  Because 3 years ago, Vick was charged with participating in an interstate dog fighting ring.  After pleading guilty to federal charged, he served 21 months in prison and an additional two in home confinement.   He has since spoken out against animal abuse and done everything that he can do to improve himself.

Should I repeat the part where he served his time?  Isn’t the goal of punishment to teach offenders a lesson?  As for his argument that dog fighting was a part of his upbringing and it is cultural, animal rights groups and haters alike all claimed that he was making excuses.  Spend a few months working at any SPCA in the South and anyone can see that it is, in fact, something that many underprivileged folks get into.  But that’s not the point.  He served his time.  He lost endorsement deals and his NFL contract, and was completely ostracized.  Perhaps if he were only caught sleeping with a baker’s dozen of women he wasn’t married to, he would have been given only a slap on the wrist and suffered embarrassment.

But he came back.  Against all odds and the wishes of screaming masses, he came back to the NFL with his head held high.  And last Sunday, he threw for 291 yards (including 3 touchdowns), completed 17 of 31 passes with no interceptions, and rushed for an additional touchdown.  Next week, the Eagles take on the Washington Redskins.  The story there could easily be about the division rivalry or former Eagles QB Donovan McNabb starting for Washington now.  But thanks to the big mouth of a fella named Albert Haynesworth, we should have something else to talk about.

Haynesworth takes a stand against slave treatment, and, evidently, diet cola.

The two-time All-Pro defensive tackle seems to have his nose out of joint a bit because he was recently told that the ‘Skins would be switching to a 3-4 defense and he would be moved to nose tackle.  During a tirade on radio 106.7 The Fan, the normally media-unfriendly giant spoke about his ‘need’ to take a stand.  He decided to forgo the normal off-season conditioning practices and skipped a mandatory minicamp.  Because of all of this, he was unable to pass necessary conditioning tests that would enable him to play.  This is after a $21 million bonus check cleared on April 1.  His argument?  That he is nobody’s slave.

The argument is supposed to carry weight with us because Haynesworth is black.  His knowledge of the general treatment of actual slaves seems to be a bit on the fuzzy side, because no slave I’ve ever heard of has a $100 million contract and diamonds the size of dinner plates on his earlobes.  “Just because somebody pay [sic] you money don’t [sic] mean they’ll make you do whatever they want or whatever,” he explained.  “I mean, does that mean everything is for sale?”  He went on to lament that, “I’m not for sale.  Yeah, I signed the contract and got paid a lot of money, but…that don’t [sic] mean I’m for sale or a slave or whatever.”  Well, I hate to tell you this, big guy, but yes, it does.  If a normal person who is not, say, 6’6” and 350lbs, signs a contract with Microsoft to do a specific task, that person is expected to deliver, or she is in violation of that contract.  If a copywriter signs a non-compete contract, agreeing not to write about companies in the same industry, then he not only negates the contract but risks financial repercussions as well.  It’s called a job.  And those people are probably not raking in dollar amounts well above the GNP of most countries.

But let’s all busy ourselves with talking about Michael Vick—who is doing his job, and doing it well.  That makes much more sense.

Of course there’s nothing quite like a celebrity wedding.  Other celebrities attend, there’s lots of media coverage, the engagement rings make every magazine and website to showcase their sheer hugeness, and so on.  And, let’s be honest, there are more televised weddings than ever before.  Understandable when it was Prince Charles and Princess Di; it was significant, and it was on news channels.  But now everyone’s gotta go and make a reality show out of their weddings.  Why?  None of the people whose weddings people will tune in to watch need the money.  When Bethenny Frankel signed on for Bethenny’s Getting Married, Tori Spelling had hers, and now, tragically, Carmelo Anthony and La La Vasquez have premiered their show La La’s Full Court Wedding.  Evidently, the more-than $14.4 million dollars Anthony will earn this year doesn’t cover the expense of a fantasy wedding.  Or, perhaps, La La was a bit bummed that her star has been steadily fading since she stopped being an MTV VJ.

The happy couple, ready for their close-up.

But oh, Carmelo, why could you not just be content with the fame you have reached by being an outstanding small forward?  Were you just playing along so your new bride could show the world how important she still is?  In interviews, it is La La who does most of the talking, telling us about hanging out with Ciara, Kelly Rowland, and Tyrese Gibson prior to the wedding.  She goes on to explain that we should celebrate the already 7-year relationship that the couple has shared, and the 3 year-old son that took part in the nuptials.  She laments the difficulty in planning such a large-scale affair, although she had—as all people with money to burn do—a full-time wedding planner.

And then the reason for the show becomes quite a bit clearer.  It seems that Vasquez is trying to jump start an acting career.  She is already co-starring in The Gun with 50 Cent and Val Kilmer, and is producing a few reality shows with Russell Simmons.  But she’s got her eye on some new fame of her own.  After all, most people watch Lakers games to see what actors and musicians are in the crowd.  Should the Denver Nuggets not have the same privilege?

Not only did the normal celebrity-related media cover the wedding, but ESPN also had some representatives.  After all, there were a number of famous athletes there, like LeBron James, Lamar Odom, Amare Stoudemire, and, of course, Kim Kardashian.

Irritated into submission after the last few months, Reggie Bush decided to give back his Heisman Trophy.  Evidently, the NCAA decided that 5 years later is as good a time as any to punish a guy who worked his tail off to become one of the greatest running backs that USC ever had.  And, of course, any 20 year-old kid should know better than to accept money to buy his loving family a beautiful home, right?  Certainly, most boys that age would be wary of anyone offering cash, since every athlete has a full working knowledge of NCAA guidelines that may or may not affect them in the future.  Right?  Would it not make more sense to simply punish USC and the sports agent who admitted to giving almost $300,000 in gifts to Bush?  Well, they did that, but not before the agent, Lloyd Lake, decided to sue the now-millionaire for repayment while agreeing to cooperate with NCAA in a frantic effort to save his own tail.

"Okay, now can we talk about, you know, football?"

In July, incoming USC president Max Nikias said that all murals and jerseys the school has been displaying in Bush’s honor would be taken down, and that the school would also return their copy of the trophy as well.  Although Bush has not specifically admitted to any wrongdoing, he agreed to return the trophy so he can get on with his career, saying that, “The persistent media speculation regarding allegations dating back to my years at USC has been both painful and distracting”.  He also stated that he would spend the rest of his career proving that he was, despite everything, worthy of the award that was granted to him in a landslide vote over Vince Young.  Young even posted on Twitter that, “Reg will continue to be the 2005 award recipient and I will continue to be honored to have been on the 2005 Heisman campaign with such a talented athlete”.   The question has never been about Reggie Bush’s talent or whether or not he deserved the Heisman that year.  It is about compliance with NCAA rules.  It’s a dangerous can of worms to open, however, since college athletes have had lavish gifts handed to them for as long as there has been competition to keep them playing and happy.  1972 winner Johnny Rodgers noted that OJ Simpson got to keep his trophy.  But, since the NCAA does not specifically say that murder is against their policies, they never threatened to sanction him or the school for which he played.

Reggie Bush would probably gladly go back to the time when the media focused on him because he was expected to give Kim Kardashian an engagement ring, which she would not have to return under any circumstances.  Eventually, maybe he will get some press for being one of the greatest running backs the New Orleans Saints have ever had.  It would be nice to see him getting attention for something good and, yes, newsworthy.

This all comes in the same year that Congress is using a similar time machine to go after former Major League pitcher Roger Clemens, who they are claiming lied in congressional hearing regarding use of performance-enhancing drugs.  Will Clemens have to return any of his five Cy Young awards?  Congress, like the NCAA, should try to stay in the present and deal with things that are happening now.

Like that will ever happen.

It isn’t like Venus Williams is known for her modesty.  She never did favor the standard tennis dresses.  And why would she?  Although there are some unusually tall women playing tennis—it gives a natural advantage to the player—Williams is 6’1” and looks likes she’s carved out of marble.  She’s an Amazon in the most flattering use of the word.  Taller even than her sister, she grew up as all tall women do, waiting for the boys to catch up.  While she waited, she became one of the best tennis players in the world.  And while she realized, again as all tall women do, that most boys would never catch up, she developed a way to celebrate her body by designing her own tennis outfits and wearing diamonds while she plays.

If you've got it, honey, flaunt it.

If you’re gonna be in Center Court, you shouldn’t be afraid to stand out.

Once again, Venus created controversy on Sunday because of what she was wearing.  Did it matter that she played a good game and, in fact, won?  Not when someone actually kept count of the number of times Venus Williams had to adjust her hot pink, rhinestone-decorated self-designed dress.  It often rode up a bit to reveal matching brown rhinestone-decorated tennis shorts.  CBS, apparently finding no real news to report on, enumerated the times she had to adjust her clothes.  John McEnroe and Dick Enberg took time to discuss it.  The final tally of 42 tugs at her dress was evidently more interesting to them than the way she played, winning the match 7-6, 6-3.  Winning is not what made news.  McEnroe felt that the dress appeared to be too much of a distraction to Williams, who, he pointed out, seemed to be uncomfortable in it.  How uncomfortable could it have been?  She won.  Shouldn’t we focus on that?  Apparently not.  We should, instead, focus on the tennis champion’s penchant for wearing flesh-colored shorts under her dresses and not caring if people see them.

Let’s be honest here: if we all had bodies like that, we’d bedazzle the heck out of our undies and wear them outside our clothes, too.

Today, Williams faces #6 seed Francesca Schiavone.  While tennis fans will tune in to watch an exciting match, everyone else will check out what Venus is wearing.  And it will be something cool, something different, something that she feels expresses her personality.  She likes bright colors.  She like rhinestones.  And, bless her heart, she likes to draw attention to an amazing body that she has worked her entire life to sculpt.  If it distracts her opponent, well, that’s not her problem.  If she wins, the press will still focus on her dress, and if she loses, the press will blame it on her fabric choices.  What does a woman have to do to be recognized for her talent?  How many times does a woman have to win almost every tournament in which she participates before her sportswear makes fewer headlines than her hard work?

Women everywhere should be thanking Venus Williams for showing that we can be talented and successful without desperately trying to fit into some antiquated mold that simply wasn’t built to last.

For the self-proclaimed purists out there, think of it this way (and I’ll even use another sport to explain): Fenway Park is held as one of the last remaining Old School ballparks that doesn’t bear the name of a gigantic corporate entity.  That’s great.  But the ballpark was built at a time when people were smaller.  The reason Red Sox fans are known for getting drunk and rowdy is, in part, because that’s the only way to not focus on how narrow the seats are and how little legroom there is.

Venus Williams is creating her own exclusive, theoretical legroom and letting the game of tennis catch up to her (maybe the boys will follow suit?).

As for me, I’ll be doing some lunges and bedazzling some shorts while I watch her next match.

Just because a guy has a certain amount of football acumen, just because he had a successful career, and just because he is even an NFL Hall of Famer does not mean that he is qualified to talk about the sport on television.  Athletes are known for, well, athletics.  Expecting them to speak eloquently is like expecting an orangutan to learn sign language; it can happen, but it’s not likely.  For every John Madden there are about 50 morons hoping to get a similar job.  Somehow, former NFL player Dan “Danimal” Hampton got in front of a camera and wasted no time putting his enormous shoe into his even larger mouth on Pro Football Weekly, where he will be working for maybe the next ten minutes.

What was that you were saying about the Cowboys again?

Sometimes, it is okay to joke about a tragedy, if enough time has passed.  It depends on amount of time and the magnitude of the event.  Holocaust humor is, for example, still generally unacceptable.  Likewise, 9-11 jokes.  But most of the world can safely make a Hindenburg or Titanic remark without being lynched.  But some wounds a too fresh.

Dan Hampton is, on paper, a good candidate to talk about football.  He was a great player.  He was Defensive Lineman of the Year, Defensive Player of the Year, six-time All-Pro selection, four-time Pro Bowl selection (and two-time alternate), and scored himself the coveted gaudy, diamond-encrusted Superbowl ring with the Chicago Bears in 1985.  The same year, he opted out of participation in the still-embarrassing “Superbowl Shuffle”. Oh, Jim McMahon, you were never more embarrassing.  And that’s saying something.  That would be the last time Hampton would show any semblance of taste.

So back to Hampton and his foot-in-mouth disease.  Boy Genius decided it was a good idea to say, regarding the Minnesota Vikings playing against the Saints in New Orleans, “The Vikings need to go down there and hit that town like Katrina”.

Really, Dan?  Really?

Unfortunately, no takesy-backsies once it’s aired on television.  If Mike & Mike weren’t busy talking about it, the blogosphere certainly was, and ain’t nobody pleased.  Tom Waddle, Hub Arkush, and Pat Boyle all managed to move past it relatively unfazed, but we all know they would have preferred to sink down under the desk and wait for the hurricane (pun intended) of emails and calls to hit.  Maybe they that the 1979 first-round draft pick might watch his mouth after that.

Not so fast, fellas.  Just as we expect simple, pure wisdom to come from children (“Out of the mouths of babes”), so can we expect athletes to say things that just shouldn’t be said (I’m looking at YOU, John Rocker).  While discussing the NFC East with his co-hosts, Dan Hampton said this: “The [Dallas] Cowboys think they’re Clint Eastwood; they’re more of the Brokeback variety if you know what I’m talking about”.

Yes, we get it, Dan.  You are not only completely indifferent to suffering, but you’re a homophobe to boot.

And the boot is exactly what he should get, and pronto.  Please, before he makes all turn to watching European football instead