Diamonds, Engagement Rings & Diamond Jewelry in popular culture

God help us all.

Yet another news day has come upon us and, as we optimistically look for something worth reading, we instead find that Americans are still expecting miracles, Iran is still run by a lunatic, and there is still no peace in the Middle East.  Those stories—newsworthy or not—are buried underneath layers of Ashton stepping out on Demi, Lindsay Lohan soing drugs, and Bristol Palin doing things that don’t make sense.  But it’s mostly Bristol.  Now that she seems to have put the whole ‘Levi Johnston engagement ring’ business behind her, she is branching out.  Now, following in the sensible shoe-prints of her mother, she has started her own Facebook page.  She told the Associated Press that she is doing this to step out of her comfort zone and begin talking about her “pro-life and pro-family” views.

Mostly, however, she has used her new page as a way to talk about her performances on Dancing with the Stars.  She must have made Mama Palin so proud when she first appeared on the show.  She wore a conservative suit and her hair in a bun, looking as much like her mom as possible.  Then, to the booming beats of the family classic “Mama Told Me Not to Come”, she threw off her Velcro-ed-on conservative garb to reveal a fire engine red, fringed minidress that clearly showed her commitment to conservative values.  She shimmied and shook those solid family values all over the stage.  After agreeing to appear on the show, the 19 year-old vowed to be covered up in a respectable way in direct contrast to the usual dance apparel worn by contestants.  Of course, respectable means different things to different people.  She was definitely wearing more than she was when she got knocked up at 17, so that’s a step in the right direction.  The only logical way to convey her views on abstinence was to end her performance with dance partner Mark Ballas’s hand on her behind.  Whatever.  It got great media coverage, and we know how the Palin clan likes that.

Since Sarah Palin likes to meet all the guys who grab her daughter’s tush, young Bristol brought Mark Ballas to Alaska to meet the family.  How proud they must all have been to meet the next young man to help sully the Palin name.  He could be well on the way to fathering the next grandchild, after all.  The 24 year-old has been studying dance and music for most of his life, and Sarah must have been ecstatic to learn that he was in a musical group called 2B1G (2 boys, 1 girl).  He has all of the qualities that a Republican White House hopeful looks for in a son-in-law.  Palin tweeted her enthusiasm for her daughter’s first performance on DWTS, and plans to be in the audience in the future.  All the better to keep an eye on her daughter from there.

So you can check out Bristol Palin’s Facebook page to see all the photos of her with Mark caressing her butt, and to read her self-written pro-life, family values rhetoric.

Any guesses as to which will make more become fans of her page?

Lady Gaga has a new album coming out entitled “Born This Way”.  We can pretty much guess what the content will be like, with heavy dance beats and interesting lyrics, but the singer has nonetheless told the media that it will “[tick] people off”.  Really, Ms. Meat Dress?  Are we to be surprised that you may have recorded some things that some people might think is not quite mainstream?  Truthfully, she has said that it is not the subject matter that will upset people, but rather the hit-after-hit nature of her work.  “My fans have related to me as a human being and as a non-human being—as the superhuman person that I truly am”.  Modesty is not an emotion that her ladyship is feeling at this time.  She has, in fact, earned her ego, winning award after award and fearlessly standing up for causes that are close to her heart, with gay rights at the forefront of those beliefs.

Afraid of controversy? Not so much.

Lady Gaga was first embraced by the gay community for her dance tracks and love for all people, regardless of their sexual orientation.  Then, as her popularity increased and her songs were played on Top 40 stations around the world, she found herself receiving accolades for more than her politics and ability to find producers who can lay down hot beats.  “Bad Romance” and “Poker Face” were international hits.  And despite her taste for bizarre fashion and generally unacceptable behavior, even naysayers couldn’t deny that the girls got pipes.  If the words didn’t get you, her voice did.  The crazy chick has talent.  This became obvious when established artists clamored to work with her.  When she recorded “Telephone” with Beyonce, creating a music video that many outlets wouldn’t play because of violent content, the pair still reached the top of the charts.  When the R&B powerhouse turned 29 on September 4, Gaga sent her a gift of a leather whip studded with diamonds.  Apparently, upon receiving her birthday present, Beyonce “squealed” because she was so pleased.

The new album promises more number one singles, including the title track.  “Born This Way” is not only about Lady Gaga’s own peculiar lifestyle, but is also a dedication to the gay, lesbian, and trans-gendered community.  “I knew I had an ability to change the world,” she told RWD magazine, “when I started to receive letters from fans: ‘You changed my life’, ‘I’m gay and my parents threw me out’”.  These are people who have found solace in the unflagging support of the singer.  At this year’s VMAs, Gaga showed up with three guests, all former military personnel who were either kicked out of the service or leaving willingly for refusing to comply with the antiquated “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy that has been in place since 1993.  The mandate is currently under review, and we can be sure that Lady Gaga will continue to speak out against any kind of regulations that prevent openly-gay Americans from serving in the Armed Forces.  “Born This Way” is a musical affirmation of her belief.

As for her gigantic ego, she has said, “Everyone tells me I’m arrogant, but music is the only thing I’ve got, so you’ll have to let me be confident about one thing”.  She appears to confident about a few other things, as well, showing up at a Major League Baseball game in little more than underwear, ripped stockings and a baseball jersey.  The New York Yankees were not amused, particularly when she was shown on the jumbotron giving the “one-finger salute”.  She routinely performs wearing very little clothing, and she really does have the body for it, but still.  And the culmination of her body confidence showed itself again when she accepted a Video Music Award wearing a minidress made entirely of beef. She was standing next to Cher, who donned the fishnet-and-electrical-tape outfit from the late-80s video for “If I Could Turn Back Time”, and she still managed to be the one grabbing headlines.  The original scantily clad gay icon stood next to Gaga and managed to look modest in comparison.  It’s difficult to compete with a woman who finds fashion at a butcher shop.  While PETA was not amused, the rest of the world was.

Bring it on, PETA.  You’re just adding fuel to the fire, and all that will accomplish will be a headlining singer wearing a medium-well dress to next year’s awards.

Yes, we are still talking about the issue of a mosque possibly being built on or near the former site of the World Trade Center.  Without getting into the whole political blah-blah-blah, there are some actions being taken that just don’t make an ounce of sense.  As usual, painfully misguided and outrageous megalomaniacs have weighed in and offered their own unsolicited opinions and personal versions of help.  And not one of these has been without a personal agenda, none of which is about religion or even fanaticism (those are two totally different things, by the way).  The most outspoken folks—from one side, the other, or neither—are interested only in the press that it brings.

"Two weeks ago, y'all didn't even know my name."

First there is Pastor Terry Jones of the painfully-misnamed Dove World Outreach Center in Gainesville, Florida.  He arranged “Burn a Koran Day” for September 11, 2010, allegedly as a memorial event for the terrorist attacks.  First, the good Pastor seems to forget one important thing that works a bit contrary to his objective: anyone who might participate in such an even would probably not have a Koran on the shelf next to back issues of Shotgun News, so they would, in fact, have to purchase one.  Is Jones hoping to drive the Islamic text straight to the top of the New York Times Bestseller List?  If not, he needs to rethink some things.

Then there are the responses from just about everyone in the political and military arenas.  Secretary of State Hillary Clinton called the event “disrespectful and disgraceful”.  Attorney General Eric Holder used the words “idiotic and dangerous”.  White House Spokesman Robert Gibbs said that, “any type of activity like that …puts our troops in harm’s way”.  Many Christians, including evangelicals who are peers to Pastor Jones, have spoken out against the book-burning, and veterans’ groups are asking for the event to be cancelled.  Gainesville city police and the Alachua County Sheriff’s Office both plan to send hefty bills, estimated in the tens of thousands of dollars, to the church for the necessary police presence.  President Obama told ABC News that the affair is “completely contrary to our values as Americans.  This country has been built on the notion of freedom and religious tolerance”.  And the church has had a few visits from the FBI, reportedly to discuss the inevitable public safety issues that something as inflammatory as “Burn a Koran Day” will bring.

Even with General David Petraeus warning that US troops still in the field will be put in imminent peril should the affair go on, Pastor Jones has somehow worked it out in his head that canceling would be tantamount to the US “backing down”.  And then forgetting who he is.

The sad thing is that he has succeeding on a massive scale in one way: everyone knows his name.  Everyone hates him, but everyone knows his name.  For some, that is enough.

Speaking of which, Donald Trump has also put his two cents in.  Actually, he’s offered to pay the full cash price plus 25% of what the owners paid for the planned site of the mosque.  He has vowed to merely move it five blocks away from Ground Zero, rather than the planned two blocks.  He’s missing the point, of course.  He could offer to have the next winner of The Apprentice design and build a mosque/Islamic studies center made entirely of diamonds and platinum, and it wouldn’t have anything to do with what this mission is about.  Fostering a bit more understanding of Islam and the tenets on which it is based is the objective.  Fanaticism in the US has turned this into a ridiculous firestorm.  Ironically, it is similar fanaticism that brought the towers down in the first place.

The purpose for Pastor Jones and Donald Trump is the same: fame, fame, and more fame.  It is with irritation and more than a little bit of shame that I give them 700 more words to add to their recognition.

But seriously, this is all just too moronic and nonsensical to ignore.

Do I not speak for most Americans when I say that it is a crying shame that those kids on Jersey Shore make millions for drinking and practicing flagrant promiscuity?  Not only has the Governor of New Jersey said that the show is bad for the image of his state, but after polling voters, Maurice Carroll of the Quinnipiac University Polling Institute said this: “New Jerseyans to New York: Keep your low-lifes at home and away from our seashore”.  For those of you not as familiar with the difference in the accents of the region, it has been painfully obvious from the beginning of the series that most of the cast is, in fact, from New York.  Not that New Yorkers are generally as vile as “The Situation”, but declaring that those kids are all from New Jersey is just wrong. It is, in particular, bad PR when various members of the cast spend varying amounts of time in drunk tanks and/or court.

Snooki: Annoying even long-distance.

And so we get to talk, once again, about pocket-sized Snooki, whose habits including drinking twice her body weight in alcohol and exposing her underthings to cameras.  In July, she was arrested in the middle of the day for public drunkenness and swearing like a sailor at random people on the beach.  When the police hauled her off, she was wearing $300 sunglasses and a t-shirt with the word “SLUT” emblazoned across her chest.  A Municipal Court judge accepted her guilty plea on the charge of disturbing the peace.  For whatever reason, he dropped the accompanying charges of disorderly conduct and annoyance with the stipulation that she pay a $500 fine.  Those charges would have carried with them jail time.  After the trial, she declared that she was “too pretty to be in jail”.  Oddly enough, weighing in on the case was Senator John McCain, who agreed with Snooki’s assertion.

Despite Snooki’s troubles, boyfriend Jeff Miranda posed shirtless on whatever Steppin’ Out magazine is to propose marriage to his tiny girlfriend of two weeks.  Responding in that dignified way that celebrities seem to, Snooki took to Twitter to announce to the world that she would not be accepting an engagement ring from the Iraq war veteran, writing, “I’m single and I’m not going to get married!”  It is an odd twist of events, considering that she has been looking for a boyfriend under every barstool in Seaside Heights, but perhaps she’s holding out for something better.  It’s your move, John McCain!

We can all rest assured that the upcoming season of Jersey Shore will maintain the same level of class and modesty as previous seasons.  To ensure that the cast would be well-supplied—and protected—for the remainder of their filming schedule, Moishe’s Mobile Storage delivered some necessities to their summer home.  Included in the shipment were free gym memberships, sunless tanner, cases of vodka, and plenty of condoms.  Rami Haim, president of Moishe’s, explained that the company, “felt obliged to pull together and deliver everything they could possibly need to make it to the end of summer”.

Now, that’s annoying.

Merriam-Webster, the dictionary to which we all refer when we need to know the definition of real English words, has just released to the world the top-searched words on its website.  How proud all of us American-born folks feel to know that the official “Word of the Summer” isn’t a real word at all.  It is a Palin-ism.  Yes, our favorite bear-shootin’, gun-totin’, language-mangling former Vice Presidential candidate invented a word, using it not just on television but on Twitter as well.  Americans immediately took to the internet as they shook their heads and said “What?”  It has to be a real word, right?  People don’t just make things up or make giant, glaring errors in speech when they were thisclose to the Oval Office, right?

"I used a sharpie to write it here, so it IS real."

Wrong.  Sarah Palin said and typed “refudiate” just as though it means something.  But at this point, as our Ambassador of Embarrassment, she shrugged off criticism, noting that William Shakespeare created new language all the time.  Which is funnier: Sarah Palin flagrantly abusing her mother tongue or Sarah Palin comparing herself to Shakespeare?  The jury’s still out on that.

Merriam-Webster stands firm on not having this freshly-coined term in our official lexicon, at least not yet.  The same debate was raised when folks wanted to have “bootylicious” become part of our collective vocabulary.  A big shout-out goes to M-W.com on that decision as well.

Perhaps Sarah Palin is just giving up on trying to make sense.  Her family has become yet another reason for the rest of the world to think Americans are stupid.  But “refudiate-gate” has served a purpose for the Alaskan clan: it has taken some of the focus off of the “Bristol Palin unwed teenaged mother” thing, and away from every sidelong glance to see if Bristol is or isn’t wearing her engagement ring from on-again, off-again fiancé/nude model Levi Johnston.

We might give Sarah Palin the benefit of the doubt and say that she threw herself in front of the bus, so to speak, to give Bristol a bit of breathing room.  But that would require a few things that Mrs. P. just doesn’t have, like media savvy and intelligence.  And it would be a pointless effort anyway, as young Bristol is participating on Dancing with the Stars with the condition that she be able to wear modest dresses.  So far, teaser photos for the show have revealed that her interpretation of modesty is similar to her interpretation of abstinence.

Merriam-Webster has stated that the process of a slang term or word-hybrid (think ‘bodacious’ and ‘guesstimate’) becoming official is a long process and would require, among other provisions, common usage.  The “common usage” exception is a back door into accepted language, and one that can cause hilarity if you type in an entertaining word to hear it read to you online.  M-W.com is good like that.  But don’t expect to hear a well-enunciated “refudiate” any time soon on the respected site.  If it ever does make it into the dictionary, I’m giving up citizenship.

Who’s with me?

Or not. Having been notified by my mother that Bristol Palin would appear on Dancing with the Stars in the show’s new season, I can’t say I was surprised.  The Palin family is hard-pressed to find any other new and exciting ways to embarrass themselves.  Indian Engagement Ring Giver Levi Johnston is all set to star in his own reality show that will follow his dignified campaign to follow in the practical footsteps of his twice-ex-fiancee’s mother as mayor of Wasilla, Alaska.  Why should he be the only one to ride the reality TV cash cow to fame, fortune, and a lifetime of shame and ridicule?  I guess those speaking engagements about the benefits of pre-marital abstinence aren’t going so well for the 20 year-old single mother of a Republican politician, and a girl’s gotta pay the bills, right?

Class Like This Can Only Be Found on DWTS

Bristol has vowed that she will maintain her dignity on the show (if that’s even possible) by forgoing the standard tight, sequin-y costumes that are a standard on the show.  Watching her dance in floor-length wool skirts, flannel shirts and hiking boots has the potential to draw a whole new audience to the show: the Amish and Hasids.  Mazal tov.  Backing Bristol up on this vow is fellow contestant David Hasselhoff, who appears to have developed some modesty—and perhaps some extra drunken hamburger-induced tonnage—since his Baywatch days.  The actor/singer told the UK’s Press Association that, “You won’t see me in spandex because that reveals too much of The Hoff.”  One can only assume that “The Hoff” is his pet name for the same junk he took such pleasure in jiggling all over the screen while he ran to rescue struggling swimmers all those years ago.

We can imagine that one contestant will be more than happy to reveal as much skin as possible while two-stepping with partner Karina Smirnoff, for whom one can only feel sympathy.  Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino, who has apparently run out of non-choosy women on Jersey Shore, has decided that a turn on another reality show can’t hurt his reputation.  Everyone already knows he’s a dirtbag.  I hope Karina is prepared for as much shirtlessness as the show will bear, and that she can find a way to incorporate latex gloves into her costume choices.  Or a Haz-Mat suit.

Another pit of vacuity will be joining the cast.  After a failed acting career, Audrina Patridge of another MTV show, The Hills, has decided to give dancing on a national stage before resorting to a pole at some “gentlemen’s club” in Hollywood.  She will likely spend most of her time fighting off the less-than-subtle advances of The Situation.  Best of luck to both of them.

Rounding out the show are some people who might be fun to watch.  Can Florence Henderson dance at her age?  Will she charm us like Chloris Leachman did?  Athletes Kurt Warner and Rick Fox of the NFL and NBA, respectively, will show their moves, as will Michael Bolton, the unrecognizable Jennifer Grey, Comedian Margaret Cho, Singer Brandy, and whoever Kyle Massey is.

Truly great television is possible this season, if only The Situation finds himself willing to take on another grenade and put some moves on Bristol Palin.  THAT is must-see TV.

It’s a name we could have gone a lifetime without knowing.  Levi Johnston could easily be just some Alaskan redneck with a mullet drinking PBR tallboys with the guys and discussing his latest conquests.  No such luck.  Because of those powerful, icy swimmers of his, he became better known—and more respected—than the woman who forced him to put an engagement ring on her pregnant daughter’s finger.  While his 15 minutes were supposed to be over after his spread in Playgirl, he has managed to stretch it out more than two fat kids wrestling over a Snickers.  Not only does he still intend to run for mayor of Wasilla, Alaska, but he intends to do so in his very own reality TV show.

Helloooooooo, Mr. Mayor!

He’s no longer planning to marry Bristol Palin, as we all know.  Their second engagement was cut off when news broke that he may have impregnated another young Wasilla girl.  Bristol was also apparently miffed when he co-starred in a music video lampooning the famous family he was once to be a part of.  Whatever.  He and the people who clearly think for him realized that he is one of Alaska’s untapped resources: pliable stupidity.  He’ll do anything that his agents tell him to.  And there’s no shame in being ridiculed for everything he does.  He still gets chicks, and has shown that he can procreate with the best of ‘em.

His talents are to next be showcased in a show called Loving Levi: The Road to The Mayor’s Office.  While the double-entendre no doubt went over his head, it is just clever enough to get people to watch, provided that the as-yet unscripted show is picked up by a network.  The 20 year-old’s manager, Tank Jones (not kidding), has confirmed the reports that Levi is serious about running for office because he sees that there are serious political issues that need to be addressed in his hometown.  He goes on to reassure us that, “This is not a spoof.  This is not a joke.”

The truth is, Levi hardly finds himself with a tough act to follow.  How much worse can he possibly be than his babymomma’s momma?

Levi has made sure to be seen over the last few weeks.  He appeared at the Teen Choice Awards Sunday on the arm of Brittani Senser, the singer who hired him to appear in her music video.  He was at the same awards show last year, but escorted Kathy Griffin.  It was perfect exposure for a young man who hopes to lead a small town into the big time.  Tank Jones has said that Levi was very serious about his mayoral bid, with or without television cameras following his every move.  Whatever.

Either way, it seems that, at this time, Levi Johnston has a more promising political future than Sarah Palin.  Somewhere in Alaska right now, a woman is loading her shotgun and preparing to shoot some defenseless animals.

Disgraced former Liberian President Charles Taylor finally found the one thing that Naomi Campbell can hold on to.   The once model/current egomaniac was called as a witness in the everlasting trial against Taylor, who is currently being prosecuted in The Hague on 11 vile counts: 5 counts of War Crimes, 5 counts of Crimes against Humanity, and 1 count of Serious Violation of International Law.  In short, he is a bad, bad man.  The trial has not in any way curtailed his love of the ladies, despite his ongoing marriage to the most deluded woman on earth.

Next time, Naomi, buy your own diamonds and keep your mouth shut.

While in South Africa in 1997, Naomi Campbell and Mia Farrow were at a dinner hosted by Nelson Mandela.  For some reason, Charles Taylor was there.  Because he was a man with a lot of power and all the money than he could possibly collect from the enslavement of his own people, Campbell flirted with him.  According to the model’s former agent, Taylor promised to send some men to give her diamonds.  The next morning, over a delicious breakfast, Campbell told Farrow that during the night, two men presented her with a “huge diamond”.

Naturally, when Taylor was arrested for murder, terrorizing civilians, mutilating and beating, sexual slavery, use of child soldiers, etc., Campbell changed her story.  She had no interest in participating in the trial of the man who has come to stand for all that is heinous and evil in the trade of blood diamonds.  But the woman is no stranger to subpoenas, and knew she would have to testify.  And what was she to do?  The truth was absolutely out of the question.  While on the stand, she said that she was awakened in the middle of the night and presented with some “dirty-looking stones”.  She claimed not to know who sent them, or that they were even diamonds.

When Mia Farrow was called to the stand, however, she told a different story.  She said that Campbell had excitedly told her that she had received a huge diamond, and that the men who brought it let her know that it was a gift from Charles Taylor.  It’s just the kind of thing that Naomi Campbell would brag about over her morning coffee.  The details were fuzzy, however, as Campbell, it turns out, was lying to her friend.  She had, in fact, received diamonds, but there were a few and they were uncut stones.  The men told her that they were diamonds, but the supermodel, undoubtedly horrified that they were not of the sparkly, beautifully-cut variety, donated them to the Nelson Mandela Children’s Fund.

While in The Hague, she lamented that, “I just want to get this over with and get on with my life.  This is a big inconvenience for me”.  That poor thing.  How she must have suffered, being flown in to testify against a man who made his fortune from the subjugation and torture of his own people.  The whole ‘doing the right thing’ aspect of taking the stand eluded her.

This incident is so minor in the trial that it really doesn’t even bear repeating, except that Naomi Campbell was once famous for being beautiful, and is now famous for throwing things at people.  And it did get her back into the spotlight.  Good for you, Naomi.  Now we like you even less.

For the record, I think Wyclef Jean is a great candidate for President of Haiti.  He meets all of the constitutional requirements, he has always been proud of his homeland, he has been fundraising for the poverty-stricken country for as long as he’s been famous, and he’s willing to take on the Herculean task of running a nation that suffered a horrendous earthquake that took an estimated 230,000 lives and has rendered the country politically and economically devastated.  So he would get my vote.  This is one case in which celebrity status can be an asset to keeping attention on rebuilding.

Tennesseans: This year, be sure to bring Bud Light when you vote!

But then there are these folks who are running for offices in the United States, people I wouldn’t allow in my own home—much less any governors’ mansions.  First, there is the campaign by Kristin Davis, the madam who supplied former Governor Eliot Spitzer with prostitutes while he was in office.  Perhaps she is trying to change her image from disgraced ex-con madam to disgraceful ex-con New York politician.  She is running on a platform of legalizing prostitution and marijuana, stating that taxing them will close the state’s budget gap.  She is also in favor of gay marriage, much to the dismay of most gay people who would rather not have her name attached to their cause.  Davis is a smart woman who went from hedge funds to prostitution because she compared the numbers and realized she could make more than her six-figure income by supplying women to high-profile politicians, athletes, and celebrities.  She isn’t yet officially on the ballot, however, so she might have to rely on write-ins and, possibly, returning to selling herself in the financial sector the legal—yet no less reprehensible—way.  Spitzer resigned before he could be impeached, and is said to be in couple’s therapy with his wife, who probably should have hocked her engagement ring while it could have still gotten scandal-worthy top-dollar.

And then we have the incomprehensible Republican gubernatorial candidate, Basil Marceaux Dot Com. This good ol’ boy is running for office in Tennessee, and he pledges to all of those who vote for him that he will “immune you from all state crimes for the rest of your life!”  That was all in bold, capital letters on his website, by the way.  In his most recent campaign ad, he tells us, “Put me in the Capitol [pause] so I can [pause] do my issues”.  To go along with his nearly unintelligible speech, there were bullet points.  This is so we can better understand why he wants to “plant vegitation [sic]” in vacant lots so ethanol will somehow be created that he will be able to sell or trade for money and gas.  I paraphrase this after taking several viewings myself to understand (I still don’t).  He also vows to “stop traffic stops”, no doubt endearing him to the many NASCAR fans in his constituency.  Plans also include to “make the flag fly right”.  The thing is, you almost want to love this guy because he is who he is.  He doesn’t pretend to be the many things that other political candidates declare of themselves: educated, bright, media savvy, or qualified.  He is, one might say, no John Kennedy.

Election day should be a hoot this year.