Diamonds, Engagement Rings & Diamond Jewelry in popular culture

Jim Carrey, the actor primarily known for facial contortions and odd behavior, has become “Sir Jim Carrey”.  Actually, since it’s France, the official title is ‘Chevalier’.  Nonetheless, he shares a title with other honorary knights like Sean Connery, Edward R. Murrow, Michael Gambon, Alec Guinness, Stephen Hawking, and George Mitchell.  Of course, those knights are in England.  Order of the British Empire.  Very much a big deal.  Carrey was given his title in France, the country that practically deifies Jerry Lewis.  So maybe it’s not quite the same thing.  He was knighted at the same time as Ewan McGregor, his co-star in I Love You Phillip Morris, a film about a con man who falls in love with his prison cellmate.  The pair celebrated their award with a kiss.

Chevalier Jim Carrey, The Most Honorable Knight in France.

This is not to say that Jim Carrey is now batting for the other team (not that there’s anything wrong with that).  He and Jenny McCarthy, who have been dating for almost five years but show no signs of getting married, will be hosting the fourth annual Saturday Night Spectacular, a very upscale pre-Super Bowl party, on February 6.  Maybe since Reggie Bush said he would marry Kim Kardashian if the Saints win the Super Bowl, Carrey and McCarthy will be inspired to exchange wedding rings.  Or not.  That’s not what anyone is talking about, anyway.

The fact is that Jim Carrey was knighted by someone who has the power to do that sort of thing.  It’s a big leap from Ace Ventura: Pet Detective to “Sir Carrey of Canada”.  French Culture Minister Frederic Mitterand, on presenting Carrey and McGregor with their honors, was heard to say, “I love you, Jim Carrey!  I love you, Ewan McGregor!”  Evidently, the French, in general, feel the same way.  Need I remind you again of Jerry Lewis?

In a way, it is very forward-thinking and bold that France would honor the pair as they wrap filming a movie in which two men fall in love.  Based on a true story, Carrey plays Steven Jay Russell, who meets his soulmate, Phillip Morris, while in prison.  In the film, which casts Carrey as a traditional romantic lead with a few twists, Russell comes up with elaborate plans for escape so he and his love can be together, and free.  Despite the movie being about men falling in love with each other, Carrey has said that he doesn’t “think it’s a gay movie”. 

Um, yeah it is.  There doesn’t have to be leather involved for it to be a “gay movie”.

It is a love story, it is “about the lengths we go to for acceptance or love” (according to Carrey himself), but it’s about two dudes who go to those great lengths.  Own it, Jim.  It’s okay.  We don’t like you any less for it, for heaven’s sake.

PLUS, the French just knighted you.  You and Ewan join George Clooney, Jude Law, Clint Eastwood, Roger Moore, and Vanessa Paradis (no Johnny Depp??)  Enjoy it, and stop dwelling on whether or not Jenny thinks less of you.  She stuck with you through The Yes Man.  She can certainly handle you kissing a guy.

Chevalier Jim Carrey.  Do I hear the thundering sound of the Four Horsemen?

Since the tragic earthquake in Haiti over a week ago, various charitable organizations have made an effort to send aid.  Celebrities have been jumping all over the cause, with the MacDaddy of Third-World Philanthropists, George Clooney, organizing a telethon that is expected to bring in millions.  The event takes place on Friday, January 22, and will have an array of stars doing everything from performing to answering the phones.

Imagine this:

Volunteer:  “Thank you for calling Hope for Haiti Now.  This is Brad Pitt.”
You: “What?”

Yeah, he might answer if you call.  So could Sandra Bullock or Jennifer Aniston.  As of right now, Angelina Jolie is not expected, but that’s probably just as well since she practically ripped the wedding ring off Aniston’s finger a few years back.  You remember that, right?

Amy Fisher Loooooooooves Haiti! Dial Now!

Clooney has used his exceptional star power to bring in Sting, Bono, Stevie Wonder, Alicia Keys, Wyclef Jean, and Shakira.  Christina Aguilera, Taylor Swift and Justin Timberlake are all expected to perform on the live broadcast in Los Angeles, with Wyclef reporting from NYC and Anderson Cooper from Haiti. 

Stars are contributing in other ways, too.  Aside from donating tons of cash, some are taking part in an auction of clothes they wore to the Golden Globes this past Sunday.  Olivia Wilde, Amy Poehler, Meryl Streep, Josh Brolin, and Gerard Butler will be giving 100% of the money raised to Artists for Peace and Justice, which will, in turn contribute it all to the relief efforts.

And then there’s Amy Fisher.  She’s helping, too.  Amy Fisher is the Girl Who Inspired Three Movies of the Week.  She was the girl with the crimped hair who had an affair with a middle-aged mechanic and shot his wife in the face.  And now she is a happily married mother of two who stars in her own pornographic videos (I’ll bet that makes Career Day interesting), hosts her own X-rated website, and, as a part of the deal she made with the distributor of her first sex tape, takes off her clothes periodically at Scene Restaurant and Lounge in Commack, Long Island.  She will be working the pole there tonight, Friday and Saturday, and has made it more than known to the New York Post that she will give a portion of her earnings to the cause.  Kudos to Amy.  Go see her show, and be sure to give ‘til it burns!

Minneapolis, Minnesota – Brett Favre, the 40-year-old, strangely-last-named quarterback of the Minnesota Vikings, was elated when he completed four touchdown passes to lead his team to a 34-3 trouncing of the Dallas Cowboys.  He certainly had every reason to celebrate.  He’s 40.  He officially retired in March 2008, only to come back a la Michael Jordan.  He’s only given a wedding ring to one woman, and she’s stuck by him, even when he got to pretend-date Cameron Diaz in There’s Something About Mary.  And now he’s going to play in the NFC Championship against the New Orleans Saints next Sunday. 

"40-year-old dude did WHAT?"

Of course, everyone will still root against him because it is politically correct to support the New Orleans Saints—not only because Brad Pitt brings cute little munchkin Maddox with him to games, but because the city is still struggling after Hurricane Katrina.

Nonetheless, Favre (inexplicably pronounced “fahrv”, for those of you who aren’t football fans) was celebrating like a, well, moron after the game.  Footage of the post-game clubhouse scene shows Favre singing the American Idol/YouTube sensation “Pants on the Ground”, an original song written by 62-year-old General Larry Platt.  Platt first brought the stinging social commentary to our attention when he performed it for the judges of American Idol in hopes of getting a spot on the show.  Simon Cowell informed him that he was slightly over the age limit of 28, but the General was not upset.  And since then, his song has become a sensation—from comedian Jimmy Fallon performing it as Neil Young, to an NFL quarterback leading his team in chanting it for some reason.

Dude is 40.  He should neither be watching American Idol nor singing anything called “Pants on the Ground”.  Yes, he’s still playing professional football, and he’s even made it to the NFC Championship.  But he’s still 40.  And Southern.  It was embarrassing.

Did the young and devastatingly-handsome Jets’ quarterback Mark Sanchez sing “Pants on the Ground”?  No, and he could have gotten away with it.  He’s 23.  And a rookie.  In a stunning upset over the San Diego Chargers yesterday, it was, once again, all about the rookies.  Sanchez and Shonn Greene were the pivotal players that led the team for the third week in a row.  Coach Rex Ryan, who apparently knows nothing about motivating his team, said: “I will say that I’d like to see Peyton Manning not play this week”.  Way to stand behind your boys, Rex.  Sending out a wish to the cosmos that the Colts’ QB befall some hideous accident between now and next week does not exactly instill confidence in your young team. 

On a side note, in the fourth quarter, Sanchez indicated that Thomas Jones go for the first down by using the accepted signal: a fist pump and then pointing his hand forward. 

Seems our young QB watches Jersey Shore.  Could the fist-pump be coincidence?  I’d like to think not.

On another aside, it should be noted that the author, while raised in the northeast, is a Jets fan because her Dad is.  For the same reason, she takes great pleasure in mispronounced the name “Favre”.

Everyone of a certain age remembers watching Pee-wee’s Playhouse every Saturday and loving it, no matter how old we were.  Then a bunch of things happened and he fell out of the public consciousness.  Now the man who famously married a bowl of fruit salad in the Playhouse episode “Pajama Party”—but never officially exchanged wedding rings with an actual human—is back. 

Of course, for those of you who were not avid viewers of Pee-wee’s Playhouse, marrying a bowl of fruit salad might seem as deviant as some of the charges that were filed against Paul Reubens.  It was, in fact, innocent.  At his pajama party, he said that he loves fruit salad.  Following one of the many ongoing jokes on the show, his friends all said in unison, “Then why don’t you marry it?”  Naturally, Pee-wee said, “All right then.  I will”.  An elaborate ceremony followed.  There were tears.  Miss Yvonne cried.  It was lovely.

At Age 57, He's A Big Kid Who Is Grateful For Digital Re-Touching.

Now, 25 years after we started watching him, almost 20 years since his infamous arrest, and almost 10 years since his first major comeback in Ted Demme’s film Blow with Johnny Depp and Penelope Cruz, PW is ready to ready to be in the spotlight again. 

Last night marked the first night of a limited engagement at Los Angeles’ Club Nokia.  Called “The Pee –wee Herman Show”, it is an update of his 1981 production, which played for five months at West Hollywood’s Roxy.  In 1981, every show sold out.  The same is expected for this round, which runs only through February 7.  It was originally scheduled to begin in November at a smaller venue, but devout Pee-wee fans came out of the woodwork, causing the show to require not only a larger club, but more room to create a really, really big production for PW, the cast, and the slew of animatronic puppets.  Paul Reubens’ “kids’ show for adults” is already a hit.

Since its inception in 1978, Pee-wee’s Playhouse has really been meant more for adults than children.  Most of the humor of the show was lost on anyone not yet old enough to drive.  Playhouse was, in many ways, groundbreaking.  Here was this strange boy-man in an ill-fitting suit having co-ed slumber parties with farm animals and talking foliage in addition to his human friends.  S. Epatha Merkerson, now famous for her role as Lieutenant Van Buren on Law & Order, played the saucy character of Reba the Mail Lady.  There was an ongoing flirtation between the very white Miss Yvonne, played by Lynne Marie Stewart, and Cowboy Curtis, played by then-unknown Laurence Fishburne.  It was among the first interracial situations, and it was on a show “for children”.  Performing the famous wedding between Pee-wee and his beloved fruit salad was Ricardo, a Latin-American soccer player.  The show was openly multi-cultural and yet, somehow, no conservative groups rallied against it.  How Pee-wee managed to fly under right-wing radar is something that only Jambi knows.  Also on the show for the first season was another unknown actor, playing the gruff Captain Carl.  It was Phil Hartman.

Reubens has a mission for his new start.  He wants to inspire people of all ages to find their own unique voices.  He told the Chicago Tribune, “This isn’t a nurturing time.  But the message of ‘The Playhouse’ has always been: ‘Dare to be different.  Here are some of the options you might not have thought of’”.  He also intends to make a new Pee-wee Herman movie when the right offer comes along.  Reubens has already received a few offers–including one from Tim Burton to have Johnny Depp play the lead–but he’s holding out for something else.  There’s no doubt that he’ll get it.

And this time, he promises, the Foil Ball will be enormous.

Who of us has not, while in the throes of some major illness, found ourselves watching reruns of Celebrity Apprentice?  For those of you who haven’t watched, it is another Donald Trump reality show, but instead of having regular uptight fame-seeking people compete for a “Dream Job” with The Donald, it pits “celebrities”, most of whom we haven’t heard of or though were dead, against each other to raise money for their favorite charities.  Last season, Joan Rivers won.  ‘Nuff said.

"How May I Humiliate You While Pursing My Lips and Saying My Own Name A Lot?"

Challenges are similar to those in the regular “Apprentice”, only certain celebrities that are still recognizable are able to use their famous mugs to win attention and, possibly, money.  How many times did we see Lennox Lewis act as spokesperson that one season?  Last season, The Donald used his trademark nepotism to retain the services of Donald, Jr. and Ivanka to act as his right and left hands, and even used a challenge to help Ivanka hype her brand-spanking-new line of diamond jewelry.  Celebrity contestants chose from her collection that included engagement rings and wedding rings, two of which she gave herself for her own wedding.  Now THAT’S romance.

The upcoming season promises a whole new level of idiocy.  The Donald confirms this for us.  “This season of Celebrity Apprentice is going to be fantastic,” he tells us with his signature modesty. “The list of celebrities we have this season is outstanding and the show will really resonate with our core viewers and fans.  I expect this season of Celebrity Apprentice to be the best one yet”.  The list of random fame-seekers celebrities is as follows: 

1. Rod Blagojevich, disgraced Illinois governor.  He wasn’t allowed to compete in “I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here” because of some law stating he couldn’t cross international borders, so he’s doing this instead.  
2. Cyndi Lauper, singer who was relevant in the 80s.
3. Sharon Osbourne, who is famous for marrying a rock star and parlayed that into as many reality television shows as possible.
4. Bret Michaels, singer of 80s hair band Poison.  Recently looked for ‘love’ as all once-famous people do: he had a reality television show.
5. Darryl Strawberry, former Major League Baseball player remembered more for his addictions than his prowess on the field.
6. Holly Robinson Peete, who I’m pretty sure was on “21 Jump Street” with Johnny Depp and Richard Grieco in the 80s.
7. Sinbad, a comedian who nobody has seen for a long time
8. Some people called Selita Ebanks, Curtis Stone, Goldberg, Michael Johnson, Summer Sanders, Carol Leifer and Maria Kanellis.

I’m pretty sure Michael Johnson was an Olympic athlete.  O, how the mighty have fallen, no?

No, seriously.  What makes people compete on these shows?  There are better ways to raise money for charity than going on a Trump-organized reality television show.  For example, prostitution.  Or selling encyclopedias door-to-door.  Far less humiliating.

But then, what would we watch on Sunday nights?

Def Leppard was awesome.  From the first time I saw the video for “Bringin’ on the Heartbreak”, I was hooked.  Joe Elliott was to be my future husband.  Granted, I was a child still, but I loved those guys.   Pyromania was released, and I owned it on vinyl.  It’s probably still at my Mom’s house alongside Zenyatta Mondatta and Under a Blood Red Sky.  When Hysteria came out, hit after hit after hit kept coming.  As soon as an 18+ dance club opened, we were there, dancing our tails off to “Pour Some Sugar on Me”. 

Soon To Follow "Rugrats" On Cartoon Network.

The boys from Def Leppard were known for performing “in the round”, on a circular stage in the center of an arena.  During “Armageddon It”, My Future Husband Joe would spend 15 minutes or so getting the crowd pumped and screaming while the other members of the band were underneath the stage.  Debauchery ensued.  Groupies for hair metal bands were not, as everyone knows, particularly unusual.  They were more common than lice, and often less clean. 

But now the mates from Sheffield, England have traded in the three-ring circus for wedding rings.  All of them.  Their wives travel with them and they have become quite a bit calmer.  Maybe it’s because they got tired.  Maybe it’s because of the string of tragic events that came to be known as the “Def Leppard Curse”. 

More likely, it’s because they’re all in their late 40s and early 50s.  They still look like rock stars in the way other aging rockers like the Rolling Stones and Aerosmith do.  And they’re pretty well-preserved, really.  Okay, so no-longer-my-dream-husband Joe Elliott could lay off the bleach and let his hair do what it did 30 years ago when it was brown and wavy, but other than that… 

Now they are embracing change and making themselves into cartoons.  They signed a deal with music publishing company Primary Wave that is working on a cartoon TV show based on Def Leppard, with the bandmates as the primary cast.  According to Primary Wave CEO Larry Mestel, the project is still in the early planning stages, but the five members of the group would be in a “fictional, adventurous setting”.  Probably not more adventurous than the bacchanalian carnival that was the entire 1980s, but fun nonetheless.  One has to wonder in what kind of cartoon environment a group of aging rock stars might find fun and excitement when they are now husbands and parents. 

SpongeJoe SpandexPants?
Sav the ‘Splorer?
Ricky Mouse?

Evidently, Primary Wave is also developing an “unusual” video game with the band, and working on some iPhone applications.  Want some Def Leppard?  Yeah, there’ll be an app for that.  Aerosmith already has a video game, so that’s nothing ground-breaking.  And iPhone apps?  Well, there’s one of those for everything.

The cartoon, however, is something that those of us who STILL remember all the lyrics to “Pour Some Sugar on Me” really, really want to see.

Governor Mark Sanford of South Carolina—the man who made Miss Teen South Carolina look clever, the man who made The Guy Who Had Intimate Relations with A Horse twice look selective—has officially been censured.  That’s right. Censured.  Not impeached.  Even after his very Christian wife, Jenny Sanford, tossed her wedding and engagement rings aside and filed for divorce, the South Carolina House Committee decided that lying, misusing government funds, and disappearing to Argentina for international booty calls were not reasons enough to boot him out of office. 

Find the pig in this photo.

Sanford faced 30 ethics charges and broke about 3 dozen laws, including (but not limited to) buying expensive airline tickets to see his Argentine mistress, using state aircraft for personal trips, filing false expense reports, and turning off his cell phone while he “followed the Appalachian Trail” to see his ‘soul mate’, Maria Chapur.  That’s all stuff you’re generally not supposed to do when you’re governor. 

AND he was getting ready to run for President.  I think he can cross that off his Christmas list.  Although, who knows?  All he got was censured. 

This was the guy who was supposed to be all about family values, Christianity, and general Conservatism.  He ditched his family, engaged in some pretty radical activities, and did some things definitely not considered ‘Christian’.  Some lawmakers are still calling for him to step down, despite his successful dodging-of-the-bullet.  One noted that any regular state employee would lose his job if he didn’t show up for five days, which is how long Sanford went missing in June.  I guess you get a pass of some sort if you’re the Governor.  Even if you are a hypocritical moron.

So over the next 13 months—the amount of time life in Sanford’s term—we are stuck with him.  Perhaps South Carolina can hire little Caitlin Upton to act his new spokesperson and Rodell Vereen to procure suitable women for him.

Poor South Carolina.  All they want to do is forget about it, and they’re Sanford will sit on his Governor’s throne, governing away for 13 more months while the natives hang their heads in shame and wait for a suitable Democrat to come along.

Johnny Depp, the man who has made man-jewelry popular, who has been declared People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive (again), and who continues to dodge wedding rumors, is now actively promoting his new film, “Public Enemies”—despite having not seen it yet.  The 46-year-old seems to enjoy creating controversy around his films, perhaps because that’s just who he is, or perhaps because it takes him out of the hotseat regarding his long-term relationship with Vanessa Paradis, with whom he was supposed to exchange wedding rings this past spring.

Maybe they did, maybe they didn’t.  For all we know, they could be married in her native France, where the couple lives and raises their two children together.  Choosing to remain elusive and out of the public eye as much as possible, he keeps up guessing.  And we all eat it up.

Johnny Depp Shows Up, and Girls Ask, "Christian WHO?"

“Public Enemies” is a film about Depression-era bank robber John Dillinger, who was eventually shot to death by police.  Depp says he took the role because of a childhood interest in the career criminal, a man who chose to live outside of the rules of society.  Depp has said of the movie: “I haven’t seen the film yet, but I hear great things about it”.

So he’s not a movie-goer.  He probably doesn’t even know that ultra-popular Facebook application Mafia Wars has created a buzz around the film by creating new jobs to complete, new items to collect, and opportunities to pre-order the DVD on blu-ray.  Honestly, many computer nerds who take out their aggression playing a game on Facebook heard of the new movie first because—YAY!—there were valuable new weapons to collect because of its release.

Depp appeared at the Chicago film premiere rockin’ a total mobster look.  Pinstripe three-piece suit, pocket watch, and his attitude.  Co-stars Christian Bale and Marion Cotillard to a bit of a backseat to Depp on this.  Not because they are lesser actors, but because Johnny Depp is, well, Johnny Depp.  Normally, Christian Bale’s arrival would cause the avalanche of pre-teen screams and panty-tossing, but not this time.

Because you’ve gotta love a guy who hasn’t even seen his own blockbuster movie yet.  He’s not a blockbuster kind of guy, despite having appeared in many of them.  He remained philosophical even as he promoted “Pirates of the Caribbean 4”, in which he returns to his role as the skirt-chasing, drunken, hygiene-avoiding, morally-questionable and always adorable Captain Jack Sparrow.

Regarding “Public Enemies”, Depp said, “The scariest enemy is within, allowing yourself to conform to what is expected of you”.  Having earned an estimated $35 million for “Pirates of the Caribbean 4”, he is among the highest-paid actors in Hollywood.  He can definitely afford to not conform.

Basically, he can do whatever he wants, and we’ll eat it up.  How do you not love this guy?

And thanks to geeks (like me) who have learned more about his upcoming film from Mafia Wars than from tabloids, his weirdness can continue unchecked, forever.

Now I just have to find that ‘Dillinger’s Gun’ and my collection of “Public Enemies” loot will be complete.

On November 17, 44-year-old semi-retired rapper Coolio, as famous for his crack cocaine drug bust last spring as for his music, embarked on a new path.  With the release of “Cookin’ with Coolio”, he is following up a web series of the same name from the website and network aptly named “My Damn Channel”.  Its popularity led him to the world of publishing, which was ready for something a little different in the cooking arena.

You Can't Make Stuff Like This Up.

This ain’t Julia Child.  It certainly isn’t Martha Stewart (no matter how much street cred she got for appearing with Busta Rhymes on the MTV Awards stage a few years back).  Coolio, who says he’s been cooking for more than 30 years—since he was 10 years old—has developed “Ghetto Gourmet”, soul food with a healthy twist that isn’t expensive.

No, really.

In case you missed it (and you know you did), he even had his own show on the Oxygen network, which most people have either never heard of or forgot existed.  The show, which premiered in October of 2008, is a reality show called “Coolio’s Rules” that covers the former mug-shot poster-boy as he launches a catering business, balancing his family life with his 4 children, aged 15-20, and the woman who exchanged wedding rings with Coolio’s former friend David Faustino (Bud Bundy from “Married with Children”).   It’s a gangsta’s life, as seen through the eyes of the post-menopausal women who watch the Oxygen network.

Stop laughing.  This is for real.

“Cookin’ with Coolio” is truly unique collection of recipes, the names of which are most definitely from the mind of the Man Himself.  His “Fork Steak” requires no knife, something that would have come in handy during a jail term.  The Steak goes beautifully with the “Heavenly Ghettalian Garlic Bread”.  “Ghettalian” is ‘Ghetto and “Italian” mixed.  That Coolio.  He’s clever.

He is proud to enlighten us to his gastronomical fabulosity, telling us that he “is gonna teach yo ass how to cook”.  When asked who he thinks of as his TV-show chef competition, he answered, “I like Rachael Ray.  I like Bobby Flay.  I like all them cats.  But they are not the Gourmet Ghetto, baby.  My motto is: I cook better than your Shaka Zulu mama.  And I wash my hands a lot.”

Good to know, Coolio. 

He also teaches us the intricacies of “Soul Rolls”, Banana Ba-ba-ba-bread”, and “Finger-Lickin’, Rib-Stickin’, Fall-Off-the-Bone-and-into-Your-Mouth Chicken”.  It’s worth buying the book just to read his directions on “How to Become a Kitchen Pimp”, “Chillin’ and Grillin’” and “Pasta like a Rasta”.

In “The Ghetto Gourmet”, Coolio explains “Karate Meat” by saying it “ain’t just called Karate Meat because it’s got an Asian kick to it.  It’s called Karate Meat because it will beat you up like a pigeon in prison.”  And who would know better than our neighborhood crackhead who posed for The Mugshot Heard Round the World?    But he embraces his experience in the drug culture by telling is that the best way to make an egg roll is to “Roll it nice and tight like a blunt.”

Anyone who doesn’t know what that means wouldn’t be buying the book, anyway.

He also tells us: “Let me be perfectly clear.  You ain’t cookin’ with fire.  You ain’t cookin’ with heat.  You’re cookin’ with Coolio, mother******!”

Actually, that’s not a bad sentiment from the man who’s best known use of a flame was to light a crack pipe.  Congrats to the man for pullin’ himself up by his crazy dreads, and for showing us how to make “5-Star Meals at a 1-Star Price”.

Windermere, Fla. – At 2:25 a.m. on Friday, the Cadillac SUV of Tiger Woods struck a fire hydrant and tree, and Tiger was said, initially, to have been injured in the accident.  According to early reports, super-wife Elin Nordegren appeared on the scene and, using one of her husband’s golf clubs, shattered the back window to help rescue her bloodied life-mate.  Lovely gesture, considering that, not two days prior, the National Enquirer published a story claiming that Tiger had been having an affair with New York night club hostess Rachel Uchitel.

Would Tiger Woods Give Up Everything For This She-Male?

While most women would be chucking wedding rings and household appliances at a philandering husband, this Teutonic treasure was supposedly dragging the damaged, broken body of her famous husband from a car wreck.  Or not. 

Later reports stated that the Woods were having an argument over the alleged affair, that Elin scratched her husband’s face and then went at her husband’s SUV with one of the golf clubs that made them both wealthy enough to afford a Cadillac SUV in the first place.  At this time, the Florida Highway Patrol has no plans to follow up on any ‘domestic dispute’, despite the fact that there was no blood found in the vehicle, supporting the argument that Tiger sustained his injuries while arguing with Enraged Elin, and not during the accident. 

Because Tiger is famous, the police also don’t seem anxious to look into the problem of the golfer driving while under the influence of prescription pain meds.  Clearly, he wasn’t planning to go for a midnight drive.  He was probably all cuddled up in a diamond-encrusted Snuggie, doped up on painkillers, watching himself on TiVo, when Elin came in and confronted him. 

The evidence is, after all, fairly damning.  While the baby-faced Master of the Masters was in Melbourne, Australia to compete two weeks ago, it seems that Uchitel was seen checking into the same hotel.  Although she adamantly denies the affair, she has a fairly weak alibi.  She claims that she just happened to be there with friends.  After having an affair with “Bones” star David Boreanaz as recently as October, and making no secret of affairs without other famous married people, she is far from an angel.  Her history of dating married men and leeching off of their fame makes her a great candidate for a new scandal. 

And who did she go after this time?  A  guy who is the face of products by family-friendly companies like General Motors, Titleist, General Mills, American Express, Accenture and Nike.  This is someone who gets a cut from every sale of Nike’s golf apparel, equipment, and footwear.  He is the boyish-faced Buddhist who helped launch a high-end Buick SUV, ironically called the “Rendezvous”.  He has his own charitable foundation, hosts golf clinics, and funds the Tiger Woods Learning Center in Anaheim, California.

She is the one who wears low-cut dresses and decides who sits where in popular drinking holes.  She also makes no secret of her love of the rich and famous, saying: “Although I’ve been romantically linked to a famous baseball player, a Broadway star, a musician, and various film and television actors, I will never kiss and tell!”  Um, you just kinda did.  She also claimed to friends that she and Tiger (who she tenderly calls “Bear”) are in love, and that he intended to leave Elin for her.

Yeah, because that’s what all guys with millions of dollars in endorsement deals do: sacrifice everything for someone who maintains a Facebook profile with a picture that is borderline-porn.  Someone who was getting text messages from her married lover David Boreanaz while his wife was giving birth to their first child.  Yuck.

Nonetheless, Brand Tiger has been tarnished by the allegations.  He could lose millions in endorsements—although he’ll still have enough money to live like a king for at least 20 lifetimes.  Brand Elin, however, has finally been firmly established.  The club-wielding Swedish Siren is making her song heard, and it is saying: “I am very, very teed off”.

Awful.