Diamonds, Engagement Rings & Diamond Jewelry in popular culture

If you were thinking about opening the Sarah Palin Bathhouse and Food Co-op, you might be out of luck.  And if you wanted to open the first Bristol Palin Academy of Dance, you could have to find a new dream to dream.  The Palins have decided to trademark their most respected of names.  The initial applications, submitted by the Palin family lawyer, were rejected on the grounds that they were not personally signed by either Sarah or Bristol.  Perhaps Mrs. Palin was too busy shooting wildlife and slamming healthcare reform.  And in Bristol’s defense, it is possible that the ABCs were taught while—go-getter that she is—was becoming a self-taught Birds-and-Bees expert.  And it is just this kind of Palin aptitude that has caused the mother and daughter to seek ownership of their names.  They want to be the only Sarah Palin and Bristol Palin on the motivational speaking circuit.

If they want to own their names, they can have 'em.

What they plan to motivate people to do, well, we can pretty much guess.

Another problem with both applications is that they need to show actual visual proof of how their names are being used for the purposes they describe.  According to the US Patent and Trademark Office, examples include “signs, photographs, brochures, website printouts or advertisements” that show the names in question being used in advertising for the sale of their services.   While Bristol offered no visual proof of this particular use of her moniker (there isn’t any such thing), Sarah Palin sent in perplexing examples that had nothing to do with anything.  While she has been paid to speak and evidence of this exists, she instead offered a screenshot of a headline from Fox News, a copy of her biography, and another screenshot of her Facebook page.

The Palins should probably shop for lawyers outside of Wasilla’s famous “Attorneys and Live Bait” franchises.

Todd Palin, who made an honest woman of Sarah 22 years ago by giving her a wedding ring seven months prior to the birth of their first child, has made no such moves to trademark his own appellation, although he displayed motivational skills while his wife showcased her rock climbing skills in her reality TV show.  Perhaps the family feels that yelling, “Let’s go, Juicy!” to the former VP candidate isn’t as important as Bristol’s future as a pro-abstinence lecturer (provided she can find a babysitter).

No word yet as to whether or not the expected 2012 Presidential contender intends to trademark “Juicy Palin” as well.

Todd had a shot at owning his own nickname.  While his wife was Governor, he refused to be referred to as “first gentleman” as is customary.  His I’m-a-regular-guyness made him come up with the handle “first dude”.  Really.  Shouldn’t Jeff Bridges have something to say about that?  He is—and always will be—the First Dude to the masses.

Regardless of their mistakes thus far in the trademarking process, Sarah and Bristol Palin intend to go ahead with the branding of themselves.  They have been given 6 months to re-file their applications in an intelligent way.

I’m not holding my breath.

Or will she?

Sarah Palin’s new highly anticipated foray into Alaskan outdoorsiness is beginning, and anyone with basic cable and no access to NetFlix will be watching.  The show, called Sarah Palin’s Alaska, is produced by Survivor creator Mark Burnett.  It is listed as a “non-political” travelogue of an Alaskan family, but Burnett’s choice of family was as strategic as the shows for which he is known.  What his agenda might be remains to be seen, but it will be interesting to find out.  In the meantime, Palin has said of her chilly home state, as she fishes and handily loads rounds into a shotgun, that, “I’d rather be doing this [here] than in some stuffy political office.”  The words of the rogue rhetorician brought to mind images of her in the Governor’s mansion pushing bullets into a clip.  But she’d rather be doing that in the Great Outdoors, bless her heart.

1...2...3....PUSH!

In one episode, called “Mama Grizzly”, she spends a great deal of time climbing a rock wall while husband Todd encourages her from below, shouting, “Let’s go, Juicy!”  She also bakes cookies with her 9 year-old and climbs various peaks in Denali National Park.  While we are supposed to believe that the ‘true star’ of the show is the Alaskan wilderness, well, that’s what the travel channel is for.  Anyone tuning in wants to see a former Vice Presidential Candidate–and the most easily mocked politician since Dan Quayle–doing the things that she does.

All while she coyly avoids rumors of running for President in 2012.  It could happen.  Ask the Mayans.

She has also been hit with rumors that her marriage to Todd was over, but the two appear to be going strong, bonded by their strong, American-type family values.  Unlike most reality television couples, their wedding rings remain on and they appear to be going strong.  Of course, the first episode of the first season airs just tonight.  Time will tell.

But Todd has been a good husband and showed his wife some solid support when some suspect neighbors moved in next door.  Author Joe McGinniss rented the house last summer, and Todd immediately built a 14-foot fence, supporting the idea that high fences make hostile neighbors.  Sarah commented that, “I thought that was a good example [of] what we need to do to secure our nation’s border.”

Yeah, that’s pretty much what we thought she’d say.  If the fence was electric, topped with barbed wire, and had guard towers every 100 yards or so manned with soldiers carrying sniper rifles.  She might have needed a special permit for that in Wasilla, however, so she settled for a something simpler.

The show may not be political, but while Sarah Palin hikes and fishes and bakes and raises her kids against the gorgeous Alaskan backdrop, she still has time to think about keeping those pesky ‘outsiders’ from getting into the US.  While that debate rages on, she says, “I’d rather be out here, bein’ free.”

Nice work, if you can get it.

Yes, NFL players are to blame for their behavior.  But teams who hire only beautiful women to act as game hosts and sideline commentators are essentially chumming the water.  Why not let attractive female sports enthusiasts sit in a booth and act as game analysts?  Players would be less likely to toss the ball in the direction of their on-field reporters if the only payoff was to get a look up Terry Bradshaw’s skirt.

NFL Chums Water for Players, Makes Women into Meals.

When the story broke about Brett Favre sending naked pictures and provocative text messages to game host Jenn Sterger, it wasn’t surprising because of his actions.  It was surprising because the man had a squeaky-clean image, has been married for 14 years, and is a grandfather.  Other player sex scandals have come and gone with little surprise.  Were creeps like Ben Roethlisberger completely wrong, deserving to be strung up by their naughty bits?  Absolutely.  But there was no collective “oh, it can’t be” when we learned that various professional football players did bad things.  Football is a fantastic sport, but it is largely played by men we wouldn’t want to meet in dark alleys.  Whether we liked Brett Favre’s waffling over playing or not, he was still held up as a good-hearted family man with a charming southern accent and a loving wife.  Then Deadspin.com got a hold of the now-famous text messages, voicemails, and those photos, and all hell broke loose.  While Deanna Favre still stands by her husband’s side, still wearing the wedding ring he gave her, it would not be a shock to soon find that she is in an Elin Woods situation.

But another question comes up in all of this.  Why does the NFL hire unequivocally hot women to act as sideline commentators, inviting them into the locker rooms for post-game interviews and putting them into situations that are bound to blow up.  This is not—I repeat, NOT—the fault of these women.  They are not “asking for it” by wearing tight jeans and low-cut tops.  A woman should be able to wear whatever she wants.  On the other hand, a gorgeous woman surrounded by testosterone-fueled men is going to get a lot more than in-depth interviews with players.  Jenn Sterger, the woman who received Favre’s inappropriate passes, is a former model for Playboy and Maxim, and hosts games in less than conservative clothes.  It is certainly what many fans want to see, but there are repercussions.  When the New York Jets hired her, it wasn’t just for her love of the game.  If she looked more like John Madden in drag, she never would have gotten that job.

The same can be said of Ines Sainz, a television reporter, international sports commentator, and model.  She has been an athlete her whole life and has parlayed her love of sports into a career.  Her choice of sideline wardrobe has been called into question a number of times, as she favors short skirts, tight jeans, and halter tops.  That’s all fine for a night at the club, but might not be the wisest choices for interviewing male athletes.  These are men who are paid for their excessive testosterone levels and enormous sense of entitlement.  Sainz is 100% qualified for the job, but, again, the Jets probably would have hired someone else if she didn’t look like she was pulled from the pages of Mexican Playboy.

The feminist in me says that women should be able to wear what they want, when they want, whether they’re in locker rooms or not.  But the realist in me can help but think that it wouldn’t kill these women to button up a bit.

They’ll get harassed anyway.

In a time when we hear so many things about love gone wrong, celebrity divorces, ugly custody battles, and flagrant infidelity, it is heartwarming to know that there are still some true romantics out there.  Such is the story of one Franklin Barndt, who showed all of us that nothing, not even inevitable jail time, was to keep him from marrying Takesha Piazza.  Last December, Franklin was in his home in Easton, Pennsylvania, when the police busted in and caught him with 20 grams of crack cocaine.  He was arrested and charged with intent to distribute.  On Friday, as a motions hearing for his case was about to be heard, Barndt’s attorney asked for a most unusual sidebar, requesting that his client be allowed to marry his girlfriend before the proceedings.

Young Love Presides at Crack-Bust Wedding Ceremony.

At first, Judge Leonard Zito balked.  It seemed, somehow, not an appropriate usage of the taxpayers’ time and money.  The Assistant District Attorney indicated that she, too, did not approve.  But, according to Gary Asteak, Barndt’s defense attorney, “Love can’t wait.  Love is immediate and demanding.”  Maybe Judge Zito thought it would save time to not fight it.  Maybe he was overcome with the wave of romance and sentiment that swept through the courtroom as the prospective groom stood before him in his prison-issue tuxedo alternative.  Asteak explained that the couple had been trying for weeks to arrange their nuptials and had even obtained a marriage license, but Barndt’s imprisonment made things a bit challenging.

Judge Zito relented and, after hearing the motions, presided over the ceremony in which the couple exchanged—with a criminal defense attorney as the best man and opposing counsel as maid of honor. Due to ever-present handcuffs around the groom’s wrists, wedding rings were not exchanged.  The ADA even tried to argue that the crack dealer should not be able to kiss his blushing bride, but kiss they did.  With a room chock full of witnesses, the defendant got his girl.  No reports on whether or not tears abounded.

This was just a motions hearing, so Zito was to return to custody immediately after.  Judge Zito made it clear that he would still be hearing the criminal case and that the warmth of the wedding would have no bearing on his decision.  The new Mrs. Piazza-Barndt was overcome with emotion and is looking forward to going on a honeymoon with her new husband.  Since drug trafficking is a class A felony in Pennsylvania and carries with it a maximum sentence of 20 years, she could be waiting a while to see the sandy shores of Hawaii with her man.  Nonetheless, the frizzy-haired groom and his new wife were all smiles, showing all of us that not only Charlie Sheen’s marriages can withstand drug busts.

Ah, young love.  Perhaps the two will be able to keep the ceremonial handcuffs as a wedding gift from the county upon the groom’s release.  Whenever that is.

It came as no surprise when Charlie Sheen agreed to plead guilty to one count of misdemeanor third-degree assault when opposing counsel offered to drop two other charges, including felony menacing.  This all stems from the argument he had with wife Brooke Mueller last Christmas during which she claims that he threatened her with a large knife.  Now he is free to continue work next week on his still-popular sitcom Two and a Half Men.  There’s a great role model for the kids to be watching.

Charlie Sheen is free to menace again!

One can only assume that the agreement was drafted by an opposing attorney who was himself under the influence of something.  The terms of Sheen’s release include 30 days of probation, 36 hours of anger management, and 30 days of rehab.  Not only can Sheen check into his second home, Promises (into a room that by now must be known as the “Charlie Sheen Suite”), but he might not have to go at all, since the 93 days he’s spent there this year alone might be able to negate any rehab related to this particular conviction.  The actor was also concerned about suffering the embarrassment of performing community service in Aspen, playground of many of his rich and famous friends.  Picking up trash alongside the highway while Robert Downey, Jr. bombs by in a Porsche is just more than the comedic actor can handle.

Sheen has, evidently, already done a 36-hour anger management course, but that might not apply to this case.  Brooke Mueller, who admitted to a few addictions of her own, has also done some rehab and, according to Sheen’s attorney, both have been sober for months.  Months.  That must come as a huge relief to Denise Richards, Sheen’s first wife and mother of two of his children.  Now he’s likely to be a much better Daddy.  He and Mueller, who finally stopped wearing her wedding ring in June (although that could change at any time), have reconciled several times since the Christmas Day event.  According to the 43-page divorce papers that have been drafted—but not yet signed—Sheen will have ample visitation with his twins by Mueller, and neither parent will be able to talk trash about the other in front of the kids.  We’ll see whether it is little Bob or young Max who first utters the phrase “money-grubbing” or “violent junkie”.

While it is, as usual, the kids who suffer the most in these situations, it is normal for the parents to suffer a little, at least.  For Charlie Sheen, who is no stranger to domestic violence and drug addiction, to be able to return to work on his popular television show within a week after his conviction seems, somehow, just not quite right.  But that’s Hollywood.  It’s a shame that Charlie Sheen can’t seem to reinvent himself the way Robert Downey, Jr. has.  But, then, it was over a year in jail that finally forced the actor to change his ways.

So far, Charlie Sheen has dodged more bullets than he ever did in Platoon.

Really, what does Jay-Z have to complain about?  He is respected as a rapper and producer; he had his own clothing line which he sold for an ungodly sum; has endorsements out the wazoo; has ownership stakes in two sports teams, Def Jam Records, and the celebrity-packed 40/40 nightclubs; has never released an album that didn’t go platinum; and he took his longtime girlfriend Beyonce’s advice and put a $5 million engagement ring on it (the wedding ring cost a paltry $2.5 million).  His net worth is estimated at about $500 million.  But he loves a good fight.

Jay-Z: LeBron James is a Mean Man.

He has had well-publicized feuds with Nas, The Game, Damon Dash, Noel Gallagher, and even Red Sox slugger David Ortiz.  He is a master at taking everything very personally.  Now, basketball players Charles Barkley (himself not a stranger to controversy), Magic Johnson, and Michael Jordan have weighed in on LeBron James’ decision to sign with the Miami Heat, saying that they would have “acted differently”.  Well, LeBron doesn’t like to do what other people tell him to do.  It’s kinda his trademark.  Former NBA players—particularly those with the good reputations of Johnson and Jordan—have some insight and are specially qualified to comment.  But Jay-Z?  Where does he fit into this?

When you’ve got more than half a billion dollars, a chip on your shoulder the size of France, and a notoriously big mouth, you somehow manage to fit your way into whatever you want.  That’s just how you get to roll when you’re Jay-Z.  But an ego that size gets bruised when some guy who only rakes in a measly $18 million or so per year (not including endorsements) doesn’t answer its mighty calls.  Jay-Z apparently called LeBron several times during his free agency, to “consult” with him regarding which team he would play for.  But let us not forget that, as part owner of the New Jersey Nets, he was really looking out for the most important person in his life: himself.

So now the relationship between the rapper and the baller is “strained”.  Jay-Z is not a man who is accustomed to unreturned phone calls, and takes particular offense at not getting his way.  Having his calls ignored by some athlete can only lead to one thing, but at least it’s something that he’s good at.  Now he’s got someone else to be mad at.  Perhaps he’ll write a catchy hip-hop song disparaging the talent of LeBron James, undoubtedly taking verbal stabs at his parentage and sexual ability.  Somehow, it seems unlikely that he can say anything that LeBron hasn’t heard before.  And Beyonce can shake her generous booty in front of Jay-Z all day and it won’t ease the pain of not being considered the most important man in the world and an expert on all topics.

Poor Jay-Z.  It seems almost poetic that the man of many, many words has finally been confronted with silence, and he doesn’t like it at all.

Last September, Johnny Depp put fear into the hearts of fans when he hinted that he would not reprise his role as Captain Jack Sparrow for the already-written Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides.  This would have put an end to the multi-million dollar franchise.  It would have been a merciful way to end the series of films, which have grown progressively tedious.  The only really good reason to watch the sequels is Depp’s portrayal of the bawdy, drunken sailor.  He’s not a stupid man, that Johnny Depp, and he likes to have fun.  He doesn’t do these films because he needs the $35 million salary.  He can already buy and sell the fountain of youth fifty times over, if he happens upon it in the 2011 film.  One has to think that he does this because he likes to turn into Captain Jack, and his kids think it’s funny.

Blake Lively Offers Two More Reasons to See the Green Lantern.

At this year’s Comic-Con, an annual collection of uber-nerds seeking autographs from their favorite fictional characters, Captain Jack made a video appearance to confirm three things: Pirates 4 is a go, Penelope Cruz will still be in it, and he would very much like a bloody mary.  Cruz, recently in the news for privately exchanging wedding rings with Javier Bardem in the Bahamas, will be playing the role of Blackbeard’s daughter Angelica.  She seeks out the help of Jack Sparrow to find the Fountain of Youth, and uses her feminine wiles to convince him to help her find the magical elixir that can keep her father alive.  Cruz was a no-show at Comic-Con, but the teaser sent by Depp guarantees that the boys will come a-runnin’ to next year’s event with the high hope of seeing her in some kind of tight corset as dictated by her role.

Drooling goobers were not to be disappointed, however, at Cruz’s absence, since Angelina Jolie inexplicably showed up to promote her non-comic book movie Salt.  Jolie is always welcome at Comic-Con for two reasons: she played the character of Lara Croft from Tomb Raider several years ago, and drooling goobers always welcome an opportunity to look at her and possibly get her to sign their fluid-stained movie posters.

Actress Blake Lively, who co-stars in The Green Lantern as Ryan Reynolds’ love interest, also gave geeks a show, guaranteeing that more than just fans of the comic book hero will see the film.  She came to the panel wearing a very low-cut dress.  Suddenly, meeting the Green Lantern seemed a lot less exciting to fans as Lively put on a light show of her own.

For those who attended the party for Tron: Legacy, they were not only treated an amazing, futuristic event featuring the blasting music of Daft Punk and an overt display of product placement by Coke Zero.  They also got to see an enticing array of waitresses in skimpy dresses and a glowing woman in a skin-tight bodysuit.

If there’s anything we can learn from this year’s Comic-Con, it is this: virgin boys from around the globe will always show up if you guarantee them an opportunity to see scantily-clad, unattainable women.  It’s what the comic industry is built on.

It’s kinda hard to feel sorry for Tiger Woods, but most celebrity sex scandals pass very quickly.  Of course, this one reached somewhat legendary proportions, with 14+ extramarital playmates coming forward and releasing all kinds of evidence to the media for their own financial gain.  Soon-to-be ex-wife Elin Nordegren went back and forth on the divorce issue after the story first broke, and sightings of her with or without her wedding ring on were immediately photographed and published.  Now the divorce is a definite, and it looks like $100 million and the ability to move the kids to Sweden are in the settlement.  It’s not like a reconciliation was ever a real possibility, not with mistresses coming out of the woodwork like cockroaches when the lights go down in Chinatown.

Tiger Woods Isn't Cashing In, but Rachel Uchitel Is.

Tiger clearly let the whole thing affect his game, which took him from phenom to human in just a few tournaments.  His recent tirade of f-bombs at the British Open was caught by cameras and let out for the whole world to see.  He has a lot to be swearing about, but doing so in front of the media doesn’t make him any more lovable to his fans and, in particular, any company that might consider him for endorsements.  Curses on those “morals clauses”.

The first mistress to gain notoriety for her affair with the golfer, Rachel Uchitel, is still cashing in, and with the approval of a most unexpected benefactor: Donald Trump.  The real estate mogul evidently personally called Uchitel to offer her an, ahem, position on the next season of Celebrity Apprentice.   According to TMZ, a spokesperson for The Donald said, “We called Uchitel and asked if she was going to take the offer — and she said, ‘Absolutely.’ We’re pretty confident she’ll excel in business — since she’s already proved she can handle the load.” Poor choice of words, yes, but nonetheless true.  That was three weeks ago, and, according to reports, still plans to join the cast.  One can only imagine what her charity of choice will be.  There must be some 501(c)3 that donates money to disgraced mistresses of famous people.

Now, we have learned that she is also joining the cast of yet another reality TV show.  As we know, reality television is the logical next step for a person of no discernible skills who has been thrust into the public eye for one salacious reason or another.  So off to Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew she goes.  For what addiction, we don’t know, but that doesn’t really matter.  What would truly drive her into massive withdrawal symptoms would be lack of media attention.  She will join a cast of other addicts that includes alleged-abductee Jeremy London, former supermodel Janice Dickinson, former child star Leif Garrett, former reality TV star Jason Wahler, and some people no one has heard of.

So far, Trump has not commented on this latest development, although he did chastise Khloe Kardashian in another season of his show for once getting a DUI, firing her for it.  Since job opportunities for Uchitel beyond reality TV are somewhat limited, she really needs both of the shows to keep her in expensive shoes and custom-made trashy lingerie.  Although she escaped the affair with then-married David Boreanaz relatively unscathed, the Tiger Woods scandal has her marked for life, and she needs to make bank on it while she can.

The outlook for Tiger Woods is not good, but, again, it is still virtually impossible to see his name without first thinking of the scandal.  His stock has plummeted, but he can continue to play golf professionally, and he has another $500 million or so—even after the divorce—to keep him warm at night.  That, and the freedom to have as many women as he wants.

Two things are generally accepted truths about Megan Fox: she is exceedingly beautiful and she can’t act to save her life.  But she’s great at getting press.  Rumors of her possibly getting another acting role cause tsunamis of media attention.  The most recent is of the actress (and I use the term loosely) possibly starring in a movie about Hall of Fame pitcher Old Hoss Radbourn called “Fifty-Nine in ‘84”.  She might be playing his seductress.  It’s a role that suits her.  She has become famous not for her skills, but because men enjoy picturing her naked, and they are willing to pay to see a film in which she might flash some skin.

Megan Fox: Making sure the media is still following.

She is also famous for her ability to steal the spotlight.  Everyone loves a Hollywood wedding, and wearing her engagement ring from former 90210 star Brian Austin Green in June kept the cameras on her.  They had broken up, but reunited and then got married a month later in a private ceremony.  Was it just a wave of love that swept the couple into a quickie wedding?

Probably not.  Brian Austin Green, prior to meeting young Megan, had been engaged to and had a child with actress Vanessa Marcil.  Their breakup was about as ugly as a breakup can be.  But they share a child, and they clearly don’t have issues using him against each other.  Marcil was engaged to CSI:NY star Carmine Giovinazzo, and had undoubtedly told her ex about their upcoming, very private wedding—to ensure that her son would be in attendance.  When Megan found out, she must have pitched a hissy fit suitable of a spoiled 24 year-old.  Clearly, she wanted to eclipse Green’s 41 year-old ex-fiancee’s wedding and have one of her own.  So she worked her sex-kitten magic on Green and decided to beat Marcil to the punch.

So they had their romantic ceremony on the beach in Hawaii, with only Green and Marcil’s son in attendance.  Then they released the photos and video to every press outlet on earth.

When Marcil and Giovinazzo got married in their own small ceremony a few weeks later, it became barely a footnote to the media, since they decided not to make a big deal out of it.  So far, not one photo of the wedding has been seen in magazines or online.  But was taking the high road just the way the couple rolls?

Probably not.  It had the lovely effect of making their love seem so pure and intimate (which it might very well be), but also made Fox and Green look like attention-seeking media whores.

That the weddings happened so close together is suspect at the least.  It won’t take long to see whether the attention-seeking Fox plans to stay in a peaceful, press-less marriage, or whether she’ll need some more controversy to keep herself going.  It’s not like directors and producers are lining up to give her juicy acting roles.

Does anyone have a stopwatch?

Is there anyone from reality television not releasing a dance track lately?  Sure, it was pathetic and sad when Kim Zolciak from The Real Housewives of Atlanta recorded “Tardy for the Party”, a song from which we are all still in recovery.  But at least she’s out in the clubs, chain-smoking Parliaments and drinking wine from a box.  Inappropriate behavior is her thing.  But when Countess Luann de Lesseps, stripped of her wedding ring but not her title, a woman who literally wrote a book about etiquette and cleverly titled it “Class with the Countess”, decides that she’s going to hit the recording studio, well, there are no words.

Yes, there are.  “Why?” is an excellent place to start.  What would make Countess Luann wake up one morning and say “I want a record deal”?  Tired of all the attention that Bethenny is getting because of the pregnancy, the wedding, the naked pictures?  Sick of the fawning over Kelly because of the diva-like behavior, the name-dropping, the naked pictures?  All of the Housewives have their little gimmick, and I guess that, once you’ve divorced the Count, you have to do something drastic.

"For the love of God, pay attention to ME!"

And, true to Real Housewives history, public humiliation is still public, and that’s good enough.  Hence, a song called “Money Can’t Buy You Class”, by Countess Luann.  That’s the name she’s chosen for her career as a recording artist, maybe because it sounds so, um, classy.  The song, on the other hand, no matter how intense the use of Auto-Tune (Jay-Z, where are you when we need you?) is still beyond awful.  When Luann actually did any singing, her voice was carefully distorted to sound like something less in the neighborhood of tone-deaf.  Most of the track is more spoken word, like something she could perform at a poetry slam that doesn’t have very high standards.  I’m sure she was going for Madonna’s “Vogue” (Greta Garbo and Monroe/ Dietrich and DiMaggio/ Marlon Brando, Jimmy Dean/ On the cover of a magazine), but managed to fall short by a unit of measure not yet defined by science. 

And it’s almost four minutes of an etiquette lesson.  She does reassure us that “elegance is learned” over and over, following it up with her real live throaty, borderline masculine voice saying “my friends” in a way that makes one not want to be her friend.  She goes on about men texting while on dates, how to tell if a man is well-bred, and how a woman should behave at a party.  Although the Countess seems totally confident in her lyrics, she leaves us wondering exactly what is classy about this song.  I could go a lifetime without ever hearing her “oh yeah” even one more time.

I want my 3 minutes and 44 seconds back.