Diamonds, Engagement Rings & Diamond Jewelry in popular culture

Willie Nelson has been known for several things over the year.  In order of memorability, they are: smoking weed, having super-long hair in braids, smoking weed, singing, and smoking weed.  Recently, he sent shockwaves through the community by ridding himself of one of his trademarks.  And he still smokes weed.  Willie Nelson did what his fans find unthinkable, while the rest of us wonder what took him so long.  Dude cut his hair. 

And the blogosphere was set aflame with the news.

"Hold on, wait. I agreed to do WHAT?"

“Oh, noooooo!” (that’s 6 “o”s)wrote one of his fans after seeing a picture of the famed country singer/actor/pot-smoker.  His waist-length reddish-gray pigtails are no more.  Did he donate them to Locks of Love?  Has he sold them to an underworld Russian syndicate in the hair weave business?  Is he using them to mop up the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico?  That’s between Willie and his barber.  We may never know.  The 77 year-old is now sporting a girlish bob.  It actually does make him look a bit younger.  As for why he finally chose to lose the hair that hasn’t been in style since…ever, really, his camp is keeping that under their hats, so to speak.  It has been speculated that perhaps the maintenance was an issue.  It had to take a long time to shampoo those gingey locks, if he ever got the urge to do so.  Also, he has been kicking back and relaxing a bit in Hawaii, where it’s warm.  Maybe all that hair was just too steamy.  Or maybe he got tired of catching those boundless braids in doors. 

Or maybe he woke up, peered at himself through a faint green haze, and asked his current wife, “Hey, what year is this?”

In other hair news, it seems that Minnesota Vikings defensive end Jared Allen has cut his 80s-style mullet.  But this wasn’t about a personal choice.  Dude loved his Kentucky Waterfall.  But a woman named Jordan Parrish accepted an engagement ring from him, and, this weekend, he is to marry her.  She is, apparently, not a fan of the Hockey Hair, and he is now the freshly-shorn best pass rusher in the NFL.  Although he just a few months ago posted a video touting the coolness of his Ape Drape, he, like Samson, cut his hair. 

It was a truly biblical moment, for Allen to shed his “Business in the Front, Party in the Back” coif.  But he assures us that, although he has lost the mullet, he maintains his “mullitude”.  He plans to grow it back, apparently after his new in-laws have left town.  He asserts that it’s more than a hair style.  It’s a lifestyle, and one he has no intention of leaving behind.  Not many people are likely to argue with the 6’6”, 270-pound mountain of a man, although the mullet has been reviled since it went out of style once the 90s hit.  Jared Allen is no slave to fashion.  He likes his beer cold and his neck warm. 

This is news.  Really.

It seems like so long ago that we were all constantly reminded that if we didn’t go on with our lives normally, then the terrorists win.  We certainly didn’t want that.  Dutifully, we, as Americans, set about our lives in a post-9/11 world.  The government would take care of the rest, right? 

Well, kinda.  In their own way.  In 2003, having failed to find the over-the-top Saddam Hussein and a 6’5” terrorist in a turban (still at large), the CIA offered some more, um, unconventional methods of turning the people against their leaders: make them into porn stars!  This was clearly a tactic destined for success, because everyone knows that you can safely say that all Muslims don’t like porn, and especially gay porn.  Or is that Republican gubernatorial candidates?

America, ****, yeah!!

It is no coincidence that the very same year that the CIA was planning their invasion, Paris Hilton became instantly famous with the release of her sex tape.  Clearly, the CIA was checking TMZ to monitor the pulse of society.  If a socialite could parlay a tape of her nekkidness into fame, fortune, her own fragrances, and about 20 different engagement rings, then surely the US government could use the same means to flush out a couple of bad men from countries where nekkidness is not tolerated.

So they first planned to create a video in which the Iraqi dictator was having relations with a teenage boy.  According to one of the officials on the project, “It would look like it was taken by a hidden camera, very grainy, like it was a secret videotaping of a sex session.”  It was to be staged using actors.  Whether or not those actors would come from rentboy.com is still classified.  They planned to flood Iraq with the videos, but abandoned the project when someone pointed out that nobody would care.  “We always mistake our own taboos as universal,” the former official added.  In many parts of the Middle East, bathhouses are still very much a part of the culture, men walk around holding hands, and a couple of male humans without their clothes on just wouldn’t create much of a stir.

As for the guy who has become the ultimate boogeyman, Osama bin Laden, they had something else in store for him.  They actually had time to make a video showing the gaunt guerilla sitting around with the guys, chugging whiskey and sharing their various conquests with members of the same sex.  Evidently, rather than hire actors, the CIA chose to just use “some of us darker-skinned employees”, according a former officer. 

Ultimately, it was not the quality or expected efficacy that brought “Operation: Adults-Only Al-Qaeda” (or whatever they called it) to a grinding halt.  It was lack of funding.  The coffers of the covert action fund were empty, and the government seemed somehow reluctant to fill them for this purpose.  Maybe the CIA should check with bin Laden’s ex-girlfriends, or even Vivid Entertainment.  They might have the real deal, just lying around, waiting for the world to see.

Was the CIA copying South Park?  And if so, would Trey Parker and Matt Stone have been able to sue?

Now that Nadya Suleman’s famous herd of children has turned one year-old, the once-sought-after mother of 14 is finding herself, well, less sought after.  Since she turned down Vivid Entertainment’s offer to pay her mortgage if she starred in a porno film for them, the job offers have not been coming in.  Not even Hugh Hefner wanted to photograph her personal parkway.    Since getting a real job is positively out of the question and the men aren’t exactly lining up, throwing engagement rings at her and begging to be “Mr. OctoMom”, it seemed that Suleman would have to sell her soul to the devil to get her mortgage current.

The Price of Dignity.

And that’s pretty much what she did.  Currently at risk of losing her La Habra, California home, she made a deal with PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals).  The deal for the ad has been in the works for a few months, but it is only just now that Suleman revealed the poster that will grace the front lawn of her home, one that urges pet owners, “Don’t let your dog or cat become an ‘octomom’.  Always spay or neuter.”  For that, she gets five grand and a month’s supply of veggie burgers. 

That’s the price she has put her remaining dignity. 

Evidently, PETA came up with the idea, knowing that Suleman’s back was against a wall, but wrote a compelling letter to her in which they noted that, “When you gave birth to octuplets to bring your total number of children to 14, you grabbed headlines and got the world talking about your controversial decision…Every year, 6 to 8 million animals are turned over to animal shelters, and roughly half of them are euthanized because of the lack of good homes.”  Either Suleman didn’t or couldn’t read the subtext of the offer. 

All most people see when they look at Nadya Suleman is a completely irresponsible woman who chose to give birth to 8 babies by in vitro fertilization, even when she couldn’t afford the first 6, also conceived that way.  Small wonder the State of California is in financial crisis.  They’ve been keeping one Orange County welfare mother knee-deep in Huggies while spending a mint to keep Mexicans who are willing to work out of the country. 

Would it be such a bad thing to send Nadya Suleman and her gaggle of kids to Mexico in exchange for some folks who aren’t afraid of an honest day’s labor? 

PETA has been in the news lately for a few other reasons as well.  First, they took a shot at R&B singer Kelis, who openly wears fur.  Her response was swift and direct, and PETA was not amused.  I don’t know how she managed to stay off of the animal rights group’s radar for so long, considering her biggest hit was called “Milkshake”, and she made no mention of soy or rice in the lyrics.  Now the adamantly-vegan group is trying to lease the Dyersville, Iowa field from the Kevin Costner baseball movie Field of Dreams.  They want to use the land the build a temporary display detailing the treatment of pigs by Iowa farmers.  It will be called “Field of Nightmares: Pig Empathy Display”.

I expect that will go over really well in a state that relies on beef cattle and porky pigs for its survival.  Field owners Don and Becky Lansing will probably agree to the lease about the same time that Nadya Suleman first says “Would you like fries with that?”

Nothing quite says “I love you” like a Sunday night wedding at a Las Vegas chapel where the guests can’t keep themselves from laughing.  It was a week ago that Shayne Lamas, winner of the 12th season of The Bachelor, and Nik Richie, master of the misogynist website “The Dirty”, exchanged vows at the Little White Wedding Chapel.  Although they had known each other for less time than it takes milk to curdle, Shayne wore white and was all giddy, repeating “I’m a bride, I’m a bride,” for the cameras.  Ever the gentleman, Nik (real name: Hooman Karamian) did buy a $130,000 5-carat diamond engagement ring for his slow-witted spouse.  In this case, however, the engagement ring came after the wedding.  That can happen when you marry someone you’ve known for either one day or one week, depending on who you ask.

Makin' Her Papa Proud.

Shayne Lamas was first known as the spawn of the long-haired, wife-beater-wearing former sex symbol Lorenzo Lamas.  He was known for being an 80s icon, appearing on Falcon Crest and then starring in his own show, Renegade, in which he played a fugitive who managed to avoid getting caught while he “roamed the badlands” on a loud, flame-painted Harley and worked as a bounty hunter for a Native American fella with the rockin’est mullet EVER and a taste for pimp-style suits.  So that’s one half of her heritage. 

Then Shayne became a contestant on season 12 of The Bachelor, the one in London, where women competed for the love of a desperate British man.  In the end, Matt Grant chose Shayne to be his future wife.  They were interviewed shortly after the finale aired.  Shayne appeared to be blissfully in love with her engagement ring.  The couple split up a few months later.  Was it the distance?  After all, she lives in LA and he in London.  Was it a difference in values?  Or maybe Matt finally saw a rerun of Renegade and considered the cheese factor in the gene pool.

But it was none of those things.  The real issue became abundantly clear when E! began airing Leave It to Lamas, a reality TV show a la Keeping Up with the Kardashians, only with—believe it or not—more complaining.  Leave It to Lamas capitalizes on the still-famous surname, although Lorenzo himself does not appear in every episode.  Shayne does, though.  As does her brother AJ, who has some difficulties living up to the tremendous legacy of his father, who was trying in one episode to pass out autographed photos of himself by saying his own name and mentioning the show Renegade.  And then there’s Shayne’s mother, Michele Smith, who appears to be intoxicated every time she’s on camera.  The true star of the show is the incessant whining of young Shayne.  Even while wearing stripper heels and drag queen-style makeup, she speaks in the voice of a very dissatisfied 5 year-old.  Perhaps the voice is a nod to the Kardashian girls and Paris Hilton, who also speak like children.

But what would make a girl run off to Vegas with some guy that she knows her family will hate?  What would cause a daddy’s girl like little Shayne to marry a man whose life’s work is to make fun of women?  Well, I’m no psychologist or anything, but could it have to do with the recent announcement that 52 year-old Lorenzo is marrying someone 2 years younger than his daughter after a lengthy 3-month courtship?

Shayne Dahl Lamas married Hooman Karamian in a charming Vegas wedding chapel.  I wonder if she knows his real name.

In a list of requirements that Governor-turned-VP-Candidate-turned-joke Sarah Palin gives to a venue before a speaking engagement, she further reveals her inner Diana Ross, showing the diva-like behavior that we began to suspect during her attempted scamper to the White House.  Known as “riders”, they are what bands also give to venues, and some of their requests can range from odd to downright disgusting.  But what is an administrator to do when she is so desperate to have Sarah Palin make a speech (aside from seeking psychiatric care)?  If you want the star, you’ve gotta pay the piper. 

"I have this much of a chance to get an unscripted question right."

During the nearly-apocalyptic Presidential race, Palin bombarded us with assertions that she is just a regular Alaskan woman, a totally normal person who can see Russia from her house, and an average mom who likes to shoot animals from a helicopter.  She was the everywoman.  We were supposed to identify with her.  Granted, with a pregnant teenager at home, she had a good amount of the Appalachian vote locked, but she exhibited a few things that made us wonder is she does, indeed, put her waders on one leg at a time.

Then word leaked out that the Republican party ponied up more than $150,000 for Palin’s wardrobe and $53,000 for makeup.  Then someone made a hilarious video called “Sarah Palin’s Diamond-Encrusted G-String”.  It was not off the mark.  Now that Palin is on Sarah Does America: Tour 2010, she isn’t asking for diamonds, but she is making some telling requests in her 9-page contract. 

First, she requires two (2) round-trip first-class seats and two coach seats (for the lower 48 states).  For international travel, in addition to the two first-seats, Her Holiness needs two business-class seats. 

Any private aircraft MUST BE (that’s capitalized in the contract, too) a Lear 60 or larger for West Coast Events and a Hawker 800 or larger for East Coast events. 

A one-bedroom hotel suite and two single rooms, at a “deluxe” hotel only.  Customer agrees to pay for all charges made to the hotel by the Speaker and her entourage.  For security reasons, her Royal Palinness will be registered in the hotel under an alias.  She will let the hotel know in advance, because she certainly doesn’t want hotel staff to come up with one.

No autographs, please.

For photo-ops, a receiving-line style is mandatory.  Diagrams are provided to show the appropriate way to approach Mrs. Palin, since you most definitely don’t want to startle her.  Guests will arrive to her right and leave to her left.  The photographer must maintain a respectful distance which will best highlight what $53,000 worth of makeup looks like. 

Naturally, all questions are to be pre-approved.  No surprise questions will be allowed, and only the approved askers will be called upon to address the bear-hunter. 

Venue must provide two (2) unopened bottles of still water and bendy straws.  Really.  It says that in the contract, only it calls them “bendable straws”.  Only a representative of the Washington Speakers Bureau or The Entourage is permitted to open the bottles of water.

We all get why.

And then there’s a whole thing about confidentiality.

Granted, she didn’t ask for all of the brown M&Ms to be picked out of a candy dish no more than ¾ full of the delightful chocolate treats, but still.  I just want to know who pays her to speak when most of us would gladly pay her not to.

Let’s face it.  Normal people do not go on reality TV shows.  Normal people do not look for love in front of millions of viewers.  Normal people do not allow intimate moments to be captured on film—to be run in syndication ad infinitum—with the hope of finding a soul mate.  They do it for the fame.  Or the money.  Or both.  Let’s just ponder the idea of 25 women vying for the love of Flavor Flav.

Are you thinking about it?

So beautiful, it could be scripted...oh, wait...

So was it really a surprise to find out the latest winner of The Bachelor has a tainted past?  No one liked her or wanted her to win, but Vienna ended up getting the gigantic 2.02 carat Neil Lane diamond engagement ring (2.72 if you count the setting) from Jake Pavelka.  We already knew that she had “former Hooters waitress” on her resume.  When reports surfaced this week that she had been in a relationship with Central Florida’s most successful weed dealer, there was little shock.  But we all eat up a scandal, don’t we?  Evidently, Vienna dated Chase Alley, called a “drug kingpin” in some of the more melodramatic articles, and was with him until she left for the taping of The Bachelor.  The same articles claim that she was in contact with him throughout the process. 

When your boyfriend is arrested and charged with 50 counts of buying, selling, and possessing an outrageous amount of MaryJane, not to mention trafficking, money laundering, and racketeering, and could be in prison for up to 20 years, what’s a girl to do?

Reality TV is always the answer.  Now she’s got a big ol’ rock on her finger, courtesy of whatever network plays the show.  And she’s engaged and “madly in love”.  Jake has even said that they are “more in love than ever”, even as he takes his next step in the reality TV cycle: Dancing with the Stars.  But while he claims to be happy with Vienna (and her little dog, too!), he seems to be getting more than chummy with his partner on DWTS, Chelsie Hightower.  They act like teenagers together.  The giggling, the flirting, the taking-this-tango-really-seriously.  Jake says that they are just friends.

Yeah, just like the “friendly” $10,000 diamond ring former NFL player Chad Ochocinco gave to his DWTS partner, Cheryl Burke.  With friends like that, who needs a wife?

Something about reality television just breeds drama, drama, drama.  And, while it’s all trash, it is the trashiest of the trash that we love the most.  Flavor of Love set the bar pretty high, but then came I Love New York (in which one of Flav’s reject trannies has 20 or so men compete for her love), RuPaul’s Drag Race, and whatever Tool Academy is.  Not to let basic cable take away viewers, networks had to pick up the slack, and we are now at a point in the devolution of our society that people actually want to compete on something called The Biggest Loser. 

So maybe Vienna is a pot-smoking, two-timing, “can-I-bring-you-an-order-of-buffalo-wings-honey”, not very nice person.  She’s smart enough to know that if her boyfriend went to prison, and even if she didn’t find love on The Bachelor, there’s always the next season of The Bachelorette.  And Jake went onto a show with a long history of relationship failures to find Mrs. Right?  Now that he’s already onto his second reality show, we can pretty much count down to the time he appears on The Surreal Life.  It isn’t about looking for love.  It’s a career move.

We’ll be watching.

Boston, MA –It was destined to be a big night for the Boston Red Sox last night.  First game of the season.  Opener at home against the Yankees.  Pedro Martinez back in a Sox uniform to throw out the first pitch.  And that was just the beginning.  The rivalry between the Red Sox and the Yankees is still a thing of legend, and to have that as the home opener in a town so violently pro-Sox and, specifically, anti-Yanks was poetry.  Red Sox fans don’t care that the Yankees won the World Series (again) last year.  For as long as there is beer to drink and Fenway Franks to eat, “Yankees Suck!” will be heard everywhere, from the most expensive box seats to the farthest reaches of the bleachers.

Steven Tyler brings his own heat to the Sox home opener.

Pedro was a surprise for the fans.  When he walked out for the ceremonial first pitch, the crowd went wild.  After signing with the New York Mets and playing a bit of last season with the Phillies, he is still beloved by Sox fans.  Once again, they chanted “Pe-dro!  Pe-dro!  Pe-dro” as he strolled onto the field, and he was as much a part of the team as he was when he actually played for them.  On March 10, Nomar Garciaparra—who had the most fun name to chant in a thick Boston accent (No-MAH!  No-MAH!  No-MAH!), and which I did even though I do not have a Boston accent naturally)—was signed to a one-day contract so he could retire with the Red Sox.

This is a team that inspires a bizarre, almost frightening loyalty and offers the only stadium in which the cheap seats are the most fun (Anothah bee-ah!  Who wants anothah bee-ah?).

Sox ownership pulled out all the stops for the home opener.  Steven Tyler sang “God Bless America” at the 7th-Inning Stretch.  Neil Diamond (yes, the real Neil Diamond) came out in the 8th to lead the fans in the traditional singing of “Sweet Caroline” (So good!  So good!  So good!), and Dr. Dre showed up to hawk his new Red Sox headphones which, according to him, are the best headphones ever, stating, “I guarantee, you won’t be mad at ‘em”.  Even Dre acknowledges the Power of Red Sox Nation.  Oh, yeah, and just in case you were wondering, the Red Sox beat the Yankees, 9-7. 

The Yankees will receive their 2009 World Series rings at their home opener on April 13.  Since their 2000 championship rings were each set with more than 3 carats of diamonds, we can imagine that these will be even more impressive. 

But that’s not what’s interesting about the Yankees this year.  Yes, they still have Derek Jeter (who did not give an engagement ring to Minka Kelly during the off-season) and Alex Rodriguez (dumped by Madonna after he dumped his wife for her) and Mark Teixeira and Jorge Posada.   They still have some impressive pitching with CC Sabathia, Mariano Rivera, AJ Burnett and Javier Vasquez.  Blah, blah, blah.  The big news in Tampa during Spring Training was some kid called Pat Venditte. 

When I say that Pat Venditte pitches from both sides of the mound, that isn’t a euphemism.  This is a kid who has a custom-made Mizuno glove with six fingers.  No, he isn’t a relative of the guy who killed Inigo Montoya’s father.  He has a six-fingered glove because he switches hands, depending on the batter.  He can pitch almost equally well with both hands, although he is aware that he doesn’t have overpowering stuff.  From the right, he throws harder and uses a curveball.  With his left hand, he is more likely to go with his slider.  On July 3, 2008, the Professional Baseball Umpire Corporations had to create a new set of rules regarding ambidextrous pitchers.  It hadn’t been an issue before that.  And because he can use both arms to throw, he can be used often, as he is less likely to tire out than pitchers who throw with the same hand all the time.  He’s going to be at Single-A Tampa to start this season, and, at 24, that’s a bit old.  But pitchers peak later than hitters, so we can still hope that he makes it to the big leagues, and we can watch a few of his games.  Sure, he’s more an oddity than a great pitcher, but oddities put rear ends in the seats.  He is also an oddity because he insisted on finishes college at Creighton, even after the Yankees offered to throw piles of money at him. 

The Red Sox and Yankees are still the greatest rivalry in all of baseball.  Maybe all of sports.  And, hands down, they are the most fun to watch.  Anothah Bee-ah, chief!

The most irritating couple on earth is feeling the earth crack beneath them.  They’re kinda used to that, though.  Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt, who managed to make reality TV even more of a train wreck, are having a little bit of trouble in their highly disturbing relationship.  A few weeks ago, it came out that Heidi was dumping Spencer as her manager.  This is big news, first of all because of the bizarre control he has over Heidi’s tiny little mind, and second, because of what a great job he was doing!  Did you see her performance at the Miss Universe Pageant?  He also got her the tasty gig they got to share for about 5 minutes on I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here.  Evidently, all of the silicone, collagen, and Botox has gone to her brain, because now, only one year after getting a suitably large diamond engagement ring and matching wedding ring from Spencer, she has thrown him under the bus in favor of the firm guidance of a psychic.   How very Life and Death of Peter Sellers.

Heidi acting, and inhaling more oxygen that could be put to better use.

Under the wise tutelage of Aiden Chase, Heidi has gotten herself a cameo role in an Adam Sandler/Jennifer Aniston film.  Upon showing up late to a cast photo shoot for The Hills—the show that made her more than just some random big-chinned, flat-chested girl from Colorado—she had in tow several bodyguards, insisting, “I’m a movie star now!”  If I were a betting person, I would imagine that, since she appears as herself in an Adam Sandler movie, she is probably the punchline of a larger joke.  But she’s also honing her screenwriting skills, having crafted a script herself in which she would, of course, star.  She is to play a lifeguard who saves a town from a shark attack by using her “3-D boobs”.  She said it, I didn’t.

After rumors flew that Heidi was moving out of the home that she shares with Spencer, and he announced that he was leaving The Hills to pursue ‘more important’ matters, the couple received the necessary amount of attention and the truth began to slowly emerge.  Heidi’s tearful admission to Lauren in the trailer for the final season of The Hills, when she says that she can’t believe she’s thinking of divorce only one year into her marriage, is another of her trademark staged events.  When Spencer “discovered a new passions and new purpose to my life”—working for American Defense Enterprises’ cyber-security division—that was code for ‘I threatened the life of a producer on my reality TV show and was given a mandatory six-week anger management course’.  He still tried to sound like the hero, of course, saying, “I’m saddened to take this break from filming MTV’s The Hills.  At this time, however, I feel I would not be honoring my country or myself if I were to continue this endeavor when I have the opportunity and the ability to assist our nation against…prevalent threats”.  He claims to have been inspired by Barack Obama’s speech in which he declared that “cyber threat is one of the most serious economic and national security challenged we face as a nation”.  Considering Spencer’s behavior, one might say that he is a threat to the nation.  He has certainly contributed to the ever-lowering intelligence of television viewers.

And it’s sorta funny how he gets so moved, so inspired, so motivated by a President that he wanted nothing to do with, as he and his estranged and strange wife openly campaigned for John McCain.  But hey, you have to do something while you’ve been kicked off the set of the show that made people give a rat’s behind whether you live or die.

Guess which way the votes are leaning, Spencer.

Now the couple is standing strong together, and have even taken (you can’t make this stuff up) “true Native American names” to get closer to their spiritual sides.  In case you’re curious, she’s White Wolf and he’s Running Bear.  Running Bear gave up his previously adopted name, “King Spencer” because (again, not making this up) he felt “too much of a burden to have to carry the weight of royalty”.

There are no words to describe him that don’t contain 4-letter words.

Now that the “burden of royalty” is off and Heidi has once again proclaimed her love for her completely insane husband, he and Heidi are to be forever known “…as the name out Creator has given us—our true Native American names”. 

That’ll look spiffy on the credits for this last season of The Hills, starring Lauren and Lo and Audrina and Justin Bobby and Brody and Kristen and…White Wolf and Running Bear as the clinically insane, totally delusional pair of freaks.

Barack Obama tickled someone.  The President has admitted to the media that he has, indeed, tickled.  He did not say, “Tickling was done”, but admitted outright that he tickled, and that his victim was male, no less.  To top it off, this tickling resulted in the ticklee breaking his arm.  Tickling and violence?  The President?  So why isn’t Fox News jumping all over the President for this indiscretion when he just passed his Health Care Bill a day ago?  Where is the right-wing uproar over Barack Obama’s inability to control his urges to tickle others? 

President Obama utilizes a tickle-avoidance technique.

After all, when Congressman Eric Massa of New York (but born in Charleston, South Carolina—yet another feather in the cap of good ol’ SC) was accused of the same kind of conduct with several younger male staff members, it was all OVER the news.  Finally, a Democrat had committed sexual misconduct worthy of mockery.  And how did Massa respond?  By accusing White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel of confronting him for not supporting the President’s health care reform, and going so far as to poke the Congressman in the chest.  Emanuel was, by the way, naked at the time, with his little Chief of Staff in full view.  Of course, they were in a locker room.  And Emanuel had just finished showering.  But Massa had to try something to take the heat off of him and put it on “Au Naturel” Emanuel.  Nice try.

But back to Tickle Me Obama.  What was he thinking?  Is that the way the President of the United States should behave?

Absolutely not!

Of course, he was about 10 years-old at the time, and he and his friend were riding a bike together.  This was when Obama lived in Indonesia.  In an interview with Indonesian media, Putra Nababan of RCTI asked him if he remembered breaking someone’s arm.  Obama admitted that he did, in fact, do so, but that it was an accident.  Evidently, he tickled his friend from behind, and the bike fell, throwing both of the kids off.  The friend broke his arm, and Obama said that he was traumatized by the whole thing.  Nababan had already spoken to Obama’s old friend, and knew of the alleged tickling. 

“He said you tickled him,” Nababan told the President, armed with actual quotes from the victim.

Obama indicated his remorse, and asked that Nababan pass his apologies along.  “I felt so bad,” said the President.  “I remember feeling terrible.”

Having read the new health care legislation carefully, one has to wonder:

Where is the No-Tickling Law?  It is clearly proven that tickling directly results in injury to others. 

The President, however, has changed his ways.  Although he has not claimed to be a non-tickler, and has not undergone Tickling Avoidance Therapy, he is able to control his urges.  He now is able to focus his perverse behavior on one person: the woman he gave an engagement ring to in 1991, and is still married to after all this time.  Now only Michelle Obama is at risk of an Executive Tickle Assault. 

She is the luckiest woman alive.

Thank God for Jessica Simpson, or we would never learn anything about how difficult it is to be judged by one’s appearance.  That is, unless you exist on this planet, in which case you live with it every day.  But she’s one chesty blond who knows how hard it is to be rich, beautiful, and famous, and she wants to share her experience with us.  That poor thing, who scored an engagement ring from a pop star (Nick Lachey, while famous) at age 21, dated John Mayer while he still had credibility, and was thisclose to getting engaged to NFL star Tony Romo, is eager to delve into the true meaning of beauty.

"Can we get a burger after this?"

This whole project began after her career started to falter, she became known as the “curse” of the Dallas Cowboys, and she performed at a chili cook-off in those unflattering Mom Jeans.  At the time, she chose not to respond to the world-at-large as they commented on her obvious weight gain.  She finally appeared on Oprah on Wednesday and stated that she “didn’t want to feed into it”, using perhaps the poorest choice of words since, well, probably the thing she said five seconds earlier.  But she didn’t want to talk about that. 

She also didn’t want to talk about John Mayer’s recent remarks about her being “sexual napalm” and “crazy” in bed.  So she didn’t feed into that, either.  Until Oprah asked a question.  Then she said that she is “so disappointed in him”, and that “That’s not the John that [she] know[s]”.  She’s so embarrassed by everyone knowing that she is insatiable that she giggled and laughed while she talked about it. 

The real reason she was there was to plug her new reality show on VH1.  It was inspired by the Mom Jeans incident—which she didn’t want to talk about but was sure to mention that she only gained ten pounds and was a size 4—and became something that VH1 was proud to place among its other great programming like Rock of love: Tour Bus, Celebrity Fit Club 7, Celebrity Rehab 3, and RuPaul’s Drag Race.  Jessica took best friend CaCee Cobb and sylist/friend Ken Paves and brought them with her to Japan, Thailand, France, Brazil, Uganda, Morocco, and India to film The Price of Beauty.  When she went to Uganda, she learned that many brides were encouraged to gain as much weight as possible to be more attractive to their husbands.  While she was in Paris, she learned that fashion models are very skinny. 

And when she was in India, she learned how to sit and look like she was meditating in a full face of makeup, perfect hair, and pouty lips.  You know, just the real Indians do it. 

In case you’re curious, The Price of Beauty begins airing on March 15.  Tune in.  It should be a hoot.