Diamonds, Engagement Rings & Diamond Jewelry in popular culture

Now that Lady Gaga has become a household name—albeit a silly one—she has apparently decided that she is ready to take it to the next level.  She is going to be a movie star.  Sources reveal that she is ready to star in a film that “will be a mix between Moonwalker and Dreamgirls”, the story of a young girl’s dream to be a famous singer and the long, torturous road it took to become an icon for gay men all over the world.

Lady Gaga Film Likely To Be Horror Movie.

At first, it seemed like Gaga was a cheap Madonna knockoff.  Now, she’s a really expensive Madonna knockoff.  She’s all about the crazy outfits and doing pretty much anything to get attention, including wearing little more than her underwear at a Yankees’ game, and perhaps even getting banned from all future games for being seen on the jumbotron with both middle fingers flying high.  After bombing at a previous Lollapalooza, she has returned to the famous tour and is apparently not being booed off the stage this time around.  She was seen at a show in Chicago over the weekend wearing underwear, a bra, fishnet stockings, and more diamonds than Lil Jon has on his pimp cup and grill combined.  She’s come a long way, baby.

Her next venture will, naturally, be on the big screen (ahem, Madonna’s Truth or Dare, ahem).  According to the source, “Gaga wants to emulate what Michael Jackson did during the 80s.  You can already see that with her music videos.  Every one of them is mini-event”.  Well, her videos are mostly like little movies, and they do get lots of Thriller-type attention.  But let’s hope that she doesn’t emulate everything that Michael Jackson did in the 80s.  Underage boys deserve a rest.

But if she wants to make the jump from the 10-minute “Telephone” video to a full-length feature film, well, why not?  She’s just as capable as Madonna is to have herself filmed talking about sex with a bevy of sycophants, and hopefully more capable than Mariah Carey was to act in a story not terribly different from her own life.  As for mixing Moonwalker and Dreamgirls, that’s no small task.  But it isn’t like we’ll be surprised by strangeness.  Oddity is Gaga’s signature.  It wouldn’t be shocking at all to see Lady Gaga with a beehive hairdo grabbing herself while dancing.

Bryan Singer, who directed X-Men and The Usual Suspects, is in talks to direct this film.  Gaga will settle for nothing but the best.  And why should she?  After shattering all records with 13 MTV Video Music Award nominations this year and seeing her album The Fame go diamond, selling more than 10 million units, her ego must be getting close to Madonna-like proportions.

I just hope she doesn’t write any children’s books.

For the record, I think Wyclef Jean is a great candidate for President of Haiti.  He meets all of the constitutional requirements, he has always been proud of his homeland, he has been fundraising for the poverty-stricken country for as long as he’s been famous, and he’s willing to take on the Herculean task of running a nation that suffered a horrendous earthquake that took an estimated 230,000 lives and has rendered the country politically and economically devastated.  So he would get my vote.  This is one case in which celebrity status can be an asset to keeping attention on rebuilding.

Tennesseans: This year, be sure to bring Bud Light when you vote!

But then there are these folks who are running for offices in the United States, people I wouldn’t allow in my own home—much less any governors’ mansions.  First, there is the campaign by Kristin Davis, the madam who supplied former Governor Eliot Spitzer with prostitutes while he was in office.  Perhaps she is trying to change her image from disgraced ex-con madam to disgraceful ex-con New York politician.  She is running on a platform of legalizing prostitution and marijuana, stating that taxing them will close the state’s budget gap.  She is also in favor of gay marriage, much to the dismay of most gay people who would rather not have her name attached to their cause.  Davis is a smart woman who went from hedge funds to prostitution because she compared the numbers and realized she could make more than her six-figure income by supplying women to high-profile politicians, athletes, and celebrities.  She isn’t yet officially on the ballot, however, so she might have to rely on write-ins and, possibly, returning to selling herself in the financial sector the legal—yet no less reprehensible—way.  Spitzer resigned before he could be impeached, and is said to be in couple’s therapy with his wife, who probably should have hocked her engagement ring while it could have still gotten scandal-worthy top-dollar.

And then we have the incomprehensible Republican gubernatorial candidate, Basil Marceaux Dot Com. This good ol’ boy is running for office in Tennessee, and he pledges to all of those who vote for him that he will “immune you from all state crimes for the rest of your life!”  That was all in bold, capital letters on his website, by the way.  In his most recent campaign ad, he tells us, “Put me in the Capitol [pause] so I can [pause] do my issues”.  To go along with his nearly unintelligible speech, there were bullet points.  This is so we can better understand why he wants to “plant vegitation [sic]” in vacant lots so ethanol will somehow be created that he will be able to sell or trade for money and gas.  I paraphrase this after taking several viewings myself to understand (I still don’t).  He also vows to “stop traffic stops”, no doubt endearing him to the many NASCAR fans in his constituency.  Plans also include to “make the flag fly right”.  The thing is, you almost want to love this guy because he is who he is.  He doesn’t pretend to be the many things that other political candidates declare of themselves: educated, bright, media savvy, or qualified.  He is, one might say, no John Kennedy.

Election day should be a hoot this year.

Not long after the announcement that 16 year-old Justin Bieber wrote an autobiography (about what—teething?), we learn that he will also be starring as himself in a 3D biopic.  Evidently, the director of An Inconvenient Truth is in talks to direct Bieber’s film.  Now that’s inconvenient.   Now seriously, what is the deal with Justin Bieber?  There have been 16 year-old singers before.  In the 80s, members of Menudo were booted out when they reached that age.  In the 90s, we had that “Mmmmm…bop” group of brothers, one of whom many of us believed to be a girl.  Then the Jonas Brothers came along.  But their fan bases were all the same: 12 year-old girls.

Justin Bieber (not young Ellen DeGeneres): so much wisdom to share.

So what is it about Justin Bieber that makes him interesting to adult women?  What would make the director an Academy Award-winning movie about global warming decide to document the life of a girlish boy who hasn’t stopped collecting from the tooth fairy yet?  In an effort to understand, this adult female watched the video of “Baby”, a song that disturbingly features rap artist Ludacris who, until that point, had street cred.

I still don’t get it.

The image of a 5’3” teenager professing his love and offering to buy an elusive girl an engagement ring didn’t was just a little creepy.  And to see Ludacris (oh, Luda, what were you thinking?) supporting this by rapping to perhaps the most bubble-gummy music in history only makes a person wonder this: how much money is Bieber shelling out to these people?

But he delivers on his promise to provide words of wisdom to readers and viewers.  In his book, he talks about how he plans to make the world a better place, one fan at a time.  He explains: “People write to me and say, ‘I’m giving up, you’re not talking to me.’ I just write them a simple message like, ‘Never give up,’ you know? And it changes their life.”

Despite his issues with grammar, it is so comforting to know that he wants to give life-changing experiences to his readers.  He cares enough to offer 3 or so words to talk a youngster off the ledge.  Perhaps he does this via Twitter to reach as many nearly-suicidal tweens as possible (or at least the ones that check @justinbieber before hitting mom’s medicine cabinet).

Paramount Pictures, the studio that brought us everything from The Godfather to Iron Man, has acquired the rights to Bieber’s life story.  They will be able to show us the transition of a boy to a slighter older boy.  Depending on how long production takes, we may even get the story of Justin getting his wisdom teeth and first chest hair.

We can only pray.

It would not be accurate to say that all of the contestants on Dancing with the Stars have been light on their feet.  One might say that some of them have been downright awful (ahem, Kate Gosselin).  But if Troy Aikman was truthful in blabbing to TMZ that he will appear on next season’s competition, we can brace ourselves for an all new level of elephantine clumping.  Sure, some football players have done a pretty good job on the show, something you might expect from a running back or a wide receiver.  They make their livings using footwork to catch balls thrown by hulking masses known as quarterbacks.  The NFL doesn’t sign quarterbacks for their ability to run any more than Major League Baseball signs pitchers for their ability to hit home runs.

Stick to what you know, Big Guy. Please.

The day after Aikman made his surprising announcement, he backpedaled—even better, I might add, than he ever did on the field—joking that it would interrupt his schedule with American Idol.  It is likely that he changed his tune because ABC doesn’t like to reveal the casting of upcoming seasons until they can do it their way.  One might argue that Aikman would be better qualified to judge potential singers on American Idol that he is to dance anywhere, ever.  Not all the Ochocinco-style diamond rings and diamond necklaces distributed to the judges daily, under cover of darkness, will win him the competition.  It’ll be fun to watch, though.

As for American Idol, Troy Aikman is just about the only person not rumored to become a judge next season.  With Ellen DeGeneres bowing out and Simon Cowell finally ready to move on, speculation about the potential replacements has ranged from the ridiculous to the even more ridiculous.  Jessica Simpson was the first name thrown to the wolves, the Elton John, Harry Connick Jr., Justin Timberlake, and even Howard Stern.  Sean “Diddy” Combs apparently expressed interest in taking time out of his busy ego-massaging schedule to join the panel.  Now it appears that Jennifer Lopez is actually signed on as a new judge.  And the most disturbing rumor, particularly if it comes true, is that Aerosmith frontman Steven Tyler has been approached to be on the show.

Really, Steven?  Please let this be a joke.  While it would be entertaining to see him as a guest judge on the show, it would be just embarrassing for this to actually become a full-time gig for him.  American Idol is pop culture at it worst (maybe a close second to Dancing with the Stars, but still), and he is The Man.  He was rock and roll even when it wasn’t cool, and he continues to be, no matter how old he gets.  He’s a legend.  He can still rock out with the best of ‘em, and millions upon millions of fans were ecstatic when Aerosmith announced their current tour.  Seeing him sitting next to Randy Jackson and J. Lo would be degrading, at best.  Counter-culture, Steven, please.

The new seasons of Dancing with the Stars and American Idol promise lots and lots of pre-season controversy.  Let’s hope that’s all it is.

Really, what does Jay-Z have to complain about?  He is respected as a rapper and producer; he had his own clothing line which he sold for an ungodly sum; has endorsements out the wazoo; has ownership stakes in two sports teams, Def Jam Records, and the celebrity-packed 40/40 nightclubs; has never released an album that didn’t go platinum; and he took his longtime girlfriend Beyonce’s advice and put a $5 million engagement ring on it (the wedding ring cost a paltry $2.5 million).  His net worth is estimated at about $500 million.  But he loves a good fight.

Jay-Z: LeBron James is a Mean Man.

He has had well-publicized feuds with Nas, The Game, Damon Dash, Noel Gallagher, and even Red Sox slugger David Ortiz.  He is a master at taking everything very personally.  Now, basketball players Charles Barkley (himself not a stranger to controversy), Magic Johnson, and Michael Jordan have weighed in on LeBron James’ decision to sign with the Miami Heat, saying that they would have “acted differently”.  Well, LeBron doesn’t like to do what other people tell him to do.  It’s kinda his trademark.  Former NBA players—particularly those with the good reputations of Johnson and Jordan—have some insight and are specially qualified to comment.  But Jay-Z?  Where does he fit into this?

When you’ve got more than half a billion dollars, a chip on your shoulder the size of France, and a notoriously big mouth, you somehow manage to fit your way into whatever you want.  That’s just how you get to roll when you’re Jay-Z.  But an ego that size gets bruised when some guy who only rakes in a measly $18 million or so per year (not including endorsements) doesn’t answer its mighty calls.  Jay-Z apparently called LeBron several times during his free agency, to “consult” with him regarding which team he would play for.  But let us not forget that, as part owner of the New Jersey Nets, he was really looking out for the most important person in his life: himself.

So now the relationship between the rapper and the baller is “strained”.  Jay-Z is not a man who is accustomed to unreturned phone calls, and takes particular offense at not getting his way.  Having his calls ignored by some athlete can only lead to one thing, but at least it’s something that he’s good at.  Now he’s got someone else to be mad at.  Perhaps he’ll write a catchy hip-hop song disparaging the talent of LeBron James, undoubtedly taking verbal stabs at his parentage and sexual ability.  Somehow, it seems unlikely that he can say anything that LeBron hasn’t heard before.  And Beyonce can shake her generous booty in front of Jay-Z all day and it won’t ease the pain of not being considered the most important man in the world and an expert on all topics.

Poor Jay-Z.  It seems almost poetic that the man of many, many words has finally been confronted with silence, and he doesn’t like it at all.

Susan Boyle is still famous.  She still brings tears to people’s eyes when she sings “I Dreamed a Dream”.  She has released an album and used the proceeds to buy a home in her quaint little Scottish village.  She is charming and popular because she people want to see her perform even though she doesn’t look the way most famous singers do, and her figure is more Pavarotti than Madonna.  Bless her heart for not going on the magic lemonade diet to fit into Hollywood beauty standards.  But Susan is now looking beyond show tunes and love songs, and her new dream that she’s dreaming involves a collaboration with Lady Gaga.  More frightening than that is Lady Gaga’s mutual interest in recording with the former Britain’s Got Talent runner-up.

Do they make this costume in Susan Boyle's size? Gaga ooh-la-la.

Boyle has said that she even wants to wear the famous “Telephone” hat.  It’s somehow difficult to imagine our Scottish dame watching the full, ultra-controversial video of Lady Gaga’s “Telephone”, with its prison scenes and serial killing, and thinking: “That’s someone I’d really like to get to know”.  This is not the same shy, unassuming Susan Boyle who nervously performed on British television.  This is Boyle 2010, a woman who likes the funky costumes that Lady Gaga wears and gets white gold jewelry encrusted with diamonds from Simon Cowell for her birthday.  So far, the closest the two have come to performing together was in last year’s Halloween episode of Regis and Kelly Live, when Kelly dressed up as Gaga and Regis, predictably, as Susan.

But the two would like to work together, and that’s something.  Since she became famous, Boyle has been fielding offers from some really interesting sources.  50 Cent has said he’d love to do a track and even perform live with her.  Snoop Dogg has also said that he wants to work with her.  On an episode of Jimmy Kimmel, Kimmel asked Snoop how he can achieve the same laid-back ultra-cool vibe that the rapper exudes.  Snoop’s response was to join him in the aptly-named Green Room before the show.  It would be worth whatever came out of the recording studio to see Susan Boyle and Snoop getting lit together and then struggling to understand each other’s location-specific accents.  Boyle is not, one imagines, well versed in the language of the LBC.  She has admitted to not experiencing the “Sexual Eruption” that became one of Snoop’s most popular recent tracks.  Snoop has filmed his own porn films in the Girls Gone Wild style, although he was not an active participant.  Although she has started wearing makeup, added a little fashion to her wardrobe, and colored her hair, Boyle still looks like a 4^th-grade teacher.  Snoop barely attended school.

But still, the most unlikely and interesting duo is easily Boyle and Gaga.  Would they cover a song together?  Would we hear Susan’s voice belting out the “Rah rah ah ah ah/ Roma roma ma/ Gaga ooh la la” that has become the Lady’s signature?  Or would Gaga work her own rendition of “How Great Thou Art”?  Or, dare we dream a dream that they would write a song together?  And can we get video of their lyric-writing sessions?

As long as they don’t trade costumes, I’m all for it.

Meghan McCain, daughter of former Presidential hopeful John McCain, has penned another book.  While the content of the book, called “Dirty, Sexy Politics”, promises to bring us all of the insight and intelligence for which her family is known.  The reason it will sell, however, is because it features the blonde posed on an elephant’s head, provocatively holding its trunk in front of her.  If she had released it before the election, perhaps the Republicans could have won over the significant “horny male” demographic that was not enticed by the sex appeal of her Dad’s running mate, Sarah Palin, who has never posed provocatively with anything.

"After I do this shot, I'll tell you how I feel about Universal Health Care"

Weighing in on this latest political offering is our favorite conservative commentator, Snooki from MTV’s Jersey Shore, whom Meghan McCain sought out for an interview.  After confessing to a crush on the seductive Senator, Snooki revealed that “the only reason [she] voted for your father was because he was really cute and [she] liked when he did his speeches.”  It is just that sort of acumen that made Snooki a worthwhile pundit for the fledgling author’s book.  That, and her ability to wear obscenely short skirts and kiss random boys for the viewing pleasure of the many influential interest groups that tune into Jersey Shore each week.

As for the fate of Snooki’s show, it seems that almost the entire cast will be returning for a third season, still called Jersey Shore, although season two was shot in Miami.  The only person not returning will be Angelina, the girl that no one really liked anyway.  She didn’t do anything controversial or fun, and doesn’t enjoy eating pickles each morning like Snooki does.  The rest of the group held out for a while, hoping to get another raise, but now they have all signed on again and we can look forward to another drunken, fight-filled series.

In the meantime, the odd-looking Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino, our favorite shirt-shy, diamond studs-wearing self-proclaimed “guido” has made the absolute most of his sudden fame.  In addition the predictably releasing an abs-centric workout video featuring him and attractive women who were clearly paid to be there, he “created” his own clothing line and (wish I was kidding) recorded a rap song called “The Situation”.  It has a sound quality that makes one think that it was the show’s own Pauly D who mixed the track in his basement while coming down from a vicious hangover.

Although all of the cast members have become recognizable figures, Snooki almost caused a breakdown in contract negotiations when she told the press that several of them were “jealous” of her because she gets more attention than most of them.  However, without a wealth of job opportunities for young people who consider getting drunk, hooking up with strangers, and going to the gym to be “work”, they all signed on for yet another season of the same.

One can only hope that Meghan McCain takes time out of her book tour to drop in on the cast during filming.  It’s not like she can do any more damage than her father already has.

It’s a proud moment in a mother’s life when her daughter’s babydaddy, after saying all kinds of nasty things to the press and then showing his goods in Playgirl magazine, decides that he’d like to come back into the family fold.  Perhaps this would have been a better-timed decision if it happened while the aforementioned mother was a Republican vice-presidential candidate.  Sarah Palin was already mocked mercilessly in the press for not being the sharpest knife in the drawer, and then it came out that her unmarried teenage daughter was knocked up by a mullet-wearing good ol’ boy whose greatest accomplishment involved Guitar Hero.  That was pretty much the last nail in the coffin.

One Can Only Imagine The Excitement Sarah Palin Feels To Have This Young Fella Back In The Family.

Levi Johnston was undoubtedly strong-armed into his previous engagement to young Bristol Palin.  One can only assume that, given his proven inability to operate any birth control device, someone helped him slip the engagement ring on her finger.  That engagement fell apart shortly after it became clear that Sarah Palin wouldn’t become second-in-command, and there was no immediate “family values” display to uphold.

But it seems that, after months of arguing over custody of little Tripp, love blossomed once again for the now-19 year-old Bristol and 20 year-old Levi.  He declared his love for her in a very romantic text message.  “I miss you. I love you. I want to be with you again”, he wrote, according to Bristol, although it more than likely read: “I miss U.  I luv U.  I want 2 b w U”.  So they got engaged again two weeks ago, but didn’t tell anyone because they were afraid of what their parents would say, in yet another display of the maturity that makes them great role models for young people.  The Palins did release a statement to the Today Show this morning, stating, “”Bristol at 19 is now a young adult. We obviously want what’s best for our children. Bristol believes in redemption and forgiveness to a degree most of us struggle to put in practice in our daily lives.”

Sarah Palin’s enthusiasm was clear as a bell.  She is obviously ecstatic about the upcoming nuptials, which the kids plan to have within the next six months.  Proud as a peacock, that Grammy Palin.

Although Levi’s acting career seems to have stalled after his naked frolic through the pages of Playgirl, he has landed a gig doing something oil-related in Alaska.  Part of the conflict during the custody meetings related to his inability to maintain child support payments.  Bristol, on the other hand, will be making some serious bank by making speeches about (not kidding) abstinence for young people.  She’ll pull in between $15,000 and $30,000 per appearance.  The couple also made some cash to appear on the cover of US Weekly, although those details are being kept under wraps.

As for the plans for their future, Bristol Palin has said that she will be content to live with Levi near their native Wasilla.  With the money she makes, there is no doubt that they will be able to afford to live in a place where they can see Russia from their house.

Willie Nelson has been known for several things over the year.  In order of memorability, they are: smoking weed, having super-long hair in braids, smoking weed, singing, and smoking weed.  Recently, he sent shockwaves through the community by ridding himself of one of his trademarks.  And he still smokes weed.  Willie Nelson did what his fans find unthinkable, while the rest of us wonder what took him so long.  Dude cut his hair. 

And the blogosphere was set aflame with the news.

"Hold on, wait. I agreed to do WHAT?"

“Oh, noooooo!” (that’s 6 “o”s)wrote one of his fans after seeing a picture of the famed country singer/actor/pot-smoker.  His waist-length reddish-gray pigtails are no more.  Did he donate them to Locks of Love?  Has he sold them to an underworld Russian syndicate in the hair weave business?  Is he using them to mop up the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico?  That’s between Willie and his barber.  We may never know.  The 77 year-old is now sporting a girlish bob.  It actually does make him look a bit younger.  As for why he finally chose to lose the hair that hasn’t been in style since…ever, really, his camp is keeping that under their hats, so to speak.  It has been speculated that perhaps the maintenance was an issue.  It had to take a long time to shampoo those gingey locks, if he ever got the urge to do so.  Also, he has been kicking back and relaxing a bit in Hawaii, where it’s warm.  Maybe all that hair was just too steamy.  Or maybe he got tired of catching those boundless braids in doors. 

Or maybe he woke up, peered at himself through a faint green haze, and asked his current wife, “Hey, what year is this?”

In other hair news, it seems that Minnesota Vikings defensive end Jared Allen has cut his 80s-style mullet.  But this wasn’t about a personal choice.  Dude loved his Kentucky Waterfall.  But a woman named Jordan Parrish accepted an engagement ring from him, and, this weekend, he is to marry her.  She is, apparently, not a fan of the Hockey Hair, and he is now the freshly-shorn best pass rusher in the NFL.  Although he just a few months ago posted a video touting the coolness of his Ape Drape, he, like Samson, cut his hair. 

It was a truly biblical moment, for Allen to shed his “Business in the Front, Party in the Back” coif.  But he assures us that, although he has lost the mullet, he maintains his “mullitude”.  He plans to grow it back, apparently after his new in-laws have left town.  He asserts that it’s more than a hair style.  It’s a lifestyle, and one he has no intention of leaving behind.  Not many people are likely to argue with the 6’6”, 270-pound mountain of a man, although the mullet has been reviled since it went out of style once the 90s hit.  Jared Allen is no slave to fashion.  He likes his beer cold and his neck warm. 

This is news.  Really.

It seems like so long ago that we were all constantly reminded that if we didn’t go on with our lives normally, then the terrorists win.  We certainly didn’t want that.  Dutifully, we, as Americans, set about our lives in a post-9/11 world.  The government would take care of the rest, right? 

Well, kinda.  In their own way.  In 2003, having failed to find the over-the-top Saddam Hussein and a 6’5” terrorist in a turban (still at large), the CIA offered some more, um, unconventional methods of turning the people against their leaders: make them into porn stars!  This was clearly a tactic destined for success, because everyone knows that you can safely say that all Muslims don’t like porn, and especially gay porn.  Or is that Republican gubernatorial candidates?

America, ****, yeah!!

It is no coincidence that the very same year that the CIA was planning their invasion, Paris Hilton became instantly famous with the release of her sex tape.  Clearly, the CIA was checking TMZ to monitor the pulse of society.  If a socialite could parlay a tape of her nekkidness into fame, fortune, her own fragrances, and about 20 different engagement rings, then surely the US government could use the same means to flush out a couple of bad men from countries where nekkidness is not tolerated.

So they first planned to create a video in which the Iraqi dictator was having relations with a teenage boy.  According to one of the officials on the project, “It would look like it was taken by a hidden camera, very grainy, like it was a secret videotaping of a sex session.”  It was to be staged using actors.  Whether or not those actors would come from rentboy.com is still classified.  They planned to flood Iraq with the videos, but abandoned the project when someone pointed out that nobody would care.  “We always mistake our own taboos as universal,” the former official added.  In many parts of the Middle East, bathhouses are still very much a part of the culture, men walk around holding hands, and a couple of male humans without their clothes on just wouldn’t create much of a stir.

As for the guy who has become the ultimate boogeyman, Osama bin Laden, they had something else in store for him.  They actually had time to make a video showing the gaunt guerilla sitting around with the guys, chugging whiskey and sharing their various conquests with members of the same sex.  Evidently, rather than hire actors, the CIA chose to just use “some of us darker-skinned employees”, according a former officer. 

Ultimately, it was not the quality or expected efficacy that brought “Operation: Adults-Only Al-Qaeda” (or whatever they called it) to a grinding halt.  It was lack of funding.  The coffers of the covert action fund were empty, and the government seemed somehow reluctant to fill them for this purpose.  Maybe the CIA should check with bin Laden’s ex-girlfriends, or even Vivid Entertainment.  They might have the real deal, just lying around, waiting for the world to see.

Was the CIA copying South Park?  And if so, would Trey Parker and Matt Stone have been able to sue?