Diamonds, Engagement Rings & Diamond Jewelry in popular culture

It’s a name we could have gone a lifetime without knowing.  Levi Johnston could easily be just some Alaskan redneck with a mullet drinking PBR tallboys with the guys and discussing his latest conquests.  No such luck.  Because of those powerful, icy swimmers of his, he became better known—and more respected—than the woman who forced him to put an engagement ring on her pregnant daughter’s finger.  While his 15 minutes were supposed to be over after his spread in Playgirl, he has managed to stretch it out more than two fat kids wrestling over a Snickers.  Not only does he still intend to run for mayor of Wasilla, Alaska, but he intends to do so in his very own reality TV show.

Helloooooooo, Mr. Mayor!

He’s no longer planning to marry Bristol Palin, as we all know.  Their second engagement was cut off when news broke that he may have impregnated another young Wasilla girl.  Bristol was also apparently miffed when he co-starred in a music video lampooning the famous family he was once to be a part of.  Whatever.  He and the people who clearly think for him realized that he is one of Alaska’s untapped resources: pliable stupidity.  He’ll do anything that his agents tell him to.  And there’s no shame in being ridiculed for everything he does.  He still gets chicks, and has shown that he can procreate with the best of ‘em.

His talents are to next be showcased in a show called Loving Levi: The Road to The Mayor’s Office.  While the double-entendre no doubt went over his head, it is just clever enough to get people to watch, provided that the as-yet unscripted show is picked up by a network.  The 20 year-old’s manager, Tank Jones (not kidding), has confirmed the reports that Levi is serious about running for office because he sees that there are serious political issues that need to be addressed in his hometown.  He goes on to reassure us that, “This is not a spoof.  This is not a joke.”

The truth is, Levi hardly finds himself with a tough act to follow.  How much worse can he possibly be than his babymomma’s momma?

Levi has made sure to be seen over the last few weeks.  He appeared at the Teen Choice Awards Sunday on the arm of Brittani Senser, the singer who hired him to appear in her music video.  He was at the same awards show last year, but escorted Kathy Griffin.  It was perfect exposure for a young man who hopes to lead a small town into the big time.  Tank Jones has said that Levi was very serious about his mayoral bid, with or without television cameras following his every move.  Whatever.

Either way, it seems that, at this time, Levi Johnston has a more promising political future than Sarah Palin.  Somewhere in Alaska right now, a woman is loading her shotgun and preparing to shoot some defenseless animals.

In a time when we hear so many things about love gone wrong, celebrity divorces, ugly custody battles, and flagrant infidelity, it is heartwarming to know that there are still some true romantics out there.  Such is the story of one Franklin Barndt, who showed all of us that nothing, not even inevitable jail time, was to keep him from marrying Takesha Piazza.  Last December, Franklin was in his home in Easton, Pennsylvania, when the police busted in and caught him with 20 grams of crack cocaine.  He was arrested and charged with intent to distribute.  On Friday, as a motions hearing for his case was about to be heard, Barndt’s attorney asked for a most unusual sidebar, requesting that his client be allowed to marry his girlfriend before the proceedings.

Young Love Presides at Crack-Bust Wedding Ceremony.

At first, Judge Leonard Zito balked.  It seemed, somehow, not an appropriate usage of the taxpayers’ time and money.  The Assistant District Attorney indicated that she, too, did not approve.  But, according to Gary Asteak, Barndt’s defense attorney, “Love can’t wait.  Love is immediate and demanding.”  Maybe Judge Zito thought it would save time to not fight it.  Maybe he was overcome with the wave of romance and sentiment that swept through the courtroom as the prospective groom stood before him in his prison-issue tuxedo alternative.  Asteak explained that the couple had been trying for weeks to arrange their nuptials and had even obtained a marriage license, but Barndt’s imprisonment made things a bit challenging.

Judge Zito relented and, after hearing the motions, presided over the ceremony in which the couple exchanged—with a criminal defense attorney as the best man and opposing counsel as maid of honor. Due to ever-present handcuffs around the groom’s wrists, wedding rings were not exchanged.  The ADA even tried to argue that the crack dealer should not be able to kiss his blushing bride, but kiss they did.  With a room chock full of witnesses, the defendant got his girl.  No reports on whether or not tears abounded.

This was just a motions hearing, so Zito was to return to custody immediately after.  Judge Zito made it clear that he would still be hearing the criminal case and that the warmth of the wedding would have no bearing on his decision.  The new Mrs. Piazza-Barndt was overcome with emotion and is looking forward to going on a honeymoon with her new husband.  Since drug trafficking is a class A felony in Pennsylvania and carries with it a maximum sentence of 20 years, she could be waiting a while to see the sandy shores of Hawaii with her man.  Nonetheless, the frizzy-haired groom and his new wife were all smiles, showing all of us that not only Charlie Sheen’s marriages can withstand drug busts.

Ah, young love.  Perhaps the two will be able to keep the ceremonial handcuffs as a wedding gift from the county upon the groom’s release.  Whenever that is.

Now that Lady Gaga has become a household name—albeit a silly one—she has apparently decided that she is ready to take it to the next level.  She is going to be a movie star.  Sources reveal that she is ready to star in a film that “will be a mix between Moonwalker and Dreamgirls”, the story of a young girl’s dream to be a famous singer and the long, torturous road it took to become an icon for gay men all over the world.

Lady Gaga Film Likely To Be Horror Movie.

At first, it seemed like Gaga was a cheap Madonna knockoff.  Now, she’s a really expensive Madonna knockoff.  She’s all about the crazy outfits and doing pretty much anything to get attention, including wearing little more than her underwear at a Yankees’ game, and perhaps even getting banned from all future games for being seen on the jumbotron with both middle fingers flying high.  After bombing at a previous Lollapalooza, she has returned to the famous tour and is apparently not being booed off the stage this time around.  She was seen at a show in Chicago over the weekend wearing underwear, a bra, fishnet stockings, and more diamonds than Lil Jon has on his pimp cup and grill combined.  She’s come a long way, baby.

Her next venture will, naturally, be on the big screen (ahem, Madonna’s Truth or Dare, ahem).  According to the source, “Gaga wants to emulate what Michael Jackson did during the 80s.  You can already see that with her music videos.  Every one of them is mini-event”.  Well, her videos are mostly like little movies, and they do get lots of Thriller-type attention.  But let’s hope that she doesn’t emulate everything that Michael Jackson did in the 80s.  Underage boys deserve a rest.

But if she wants to make the jump from the 10-minute “Telephone” video to a full-length feature film, well, why not?  She’s just as capable as Madonna is to have herself filmed talking about sex with a bevy of sycophants, and hopefully more capable than Mariah Carey was to act in a story not terribly different from her own life.  As for mixing Moonwalker and Dreamgirls, that’s no small task.  But it isn’t like we’ll be surprised by strangeness.  Oddity is Gaga’s signature.  It wouldn’t be shocking at all to see Lady Gaga with a beehive hairdo grabbing herself while dancing.

Bryan Singer, who directed X-Men and The Usual Suspects, is in talks to direct this film.  Gaga will settle for nothing but the best.  And why should she?  After shattering all records with 13 MTV Video Music Award nominations this year and seeing her album The Fame go diamond, selling more than 10 million units, her ego must be getting close to Madonna-like proportions.

I just hope she doesn’t write any children’s books.

For the record, I think Wyclef Jean is a great candidate for President of Haiti.  He meets all of the constitutional requirements, he has always been proud of his homeland, he has been fundraising for the poverty-stricken country for as long as he’s been famous, and he’s willing to take on the Herculean task of running a nation that suffered a horrendous earthquake that took an estimated 230,000 lives and has rendered the country politically and economically devastated.  So he would get my vote.  This is one case in which celebrity status can be an asset to keeping attention on rebuilding.

Tennesseans: This year, be sure to bring Bud Light when you vote!

But then there are these folks who are running for offices in the United States, people I wouldn’t allow in my own home—much less any governors’ mansions.  First, there is the campaign by Kristin Davis, the madam who supplied former Governor Eliot Spitzer with prostitutes while he was in office.  Perhaps she is trying to change her image from disgraced ex-con madam to disgraceful ex-con New York politician.  She is running on a platform of legalizing prostitution and marijuana, stating that taxing them will close the state’s budget gap.  She is also in favor of gay marriage, much to the dismay of most gay people who would rather not have her name attached to their cause.  Davis is a smart woman who went from hedge funds to prostitution because she compared the numbers and realized she could make more than her six-figure income by supplying women to high-profile politicians, athletes, and celebrities.  She isn’t yet officially on the ballot, however, so she might have to rely on write-ins and, possibly, returning to selling herself in the financial sector the legal—yet no less reprehensible—way.  Spitzer resigned before he could be impeached, and is said to be in couple’s therapy with his wife, who probably should have hocked her engagement ring while it could have still gotten scandal-worthy top-dollar.

And then we have the incomprehensible Republican gubernatorial candidate, Basil Marceaux Dot Com. This good ol’ boy is running for office in Tennessee, and he pledges to all of those who vote for him that he will “immune you from all state crimes for the rest of your life!”  That was all in bold, capital letters on his website, by the way.  In his most recent campaign ad, he tells us, “Put me in the Capitol [pause] so I can [pause] do my issues”.  To go along with his nearly unintelligible speech, there were bullet points.  This is so we can better understand why he wants to “plant vegitation [sic]” in vacant lots so ethanol will somehow be created that he will be able to sell or trade for money and gas.  I paraphrase this after taking several viewings myself to understand (I still don’t).  He also vows to “stop traffic stops”, no doubt endearing him to the many NASCAR fans in his constituency.  Plans also include to “make the flag fly right”.  The thing is, you almost want to love this guy because he is who he is.  He doesn’t pretend to be the many things that other political candidates declare of themselves: educated, bright, media savvy, or qualified.  He is, one might say, no John Kennedy.

Election day should be a hoot this year.

Not long after the announcement that 16 year-old Justin Bieber wrote an autobiography (about what—teething?), we learn that he will also be starring as himself in a 3D biopic.  Evidently, the director of An Inconvenient Truth is in talks to direct Bieber’s film.  Now that’s inconvenient.   Now seriously, what is the deal with Justin Bieber?  There have been 16 year-old singers before.  In the 80s, members of Menudo were booted out when they reached that age.  In the 90s, we had that “Mmmmm…bop” group of brothers, one of whom many of us believed to be a girl.  Then the Jonas Brothers came along.  But their fan bases were all the same: 12 year-old girls.

Justin Bieber (not young Ellen DeGeneres): so much wisdom to share.

So what is it about Justin Bieber that makes him interesting to adult women?  What would make the director an Academy Award-winning movie about global warming decide to document the life of a girlish boy who hasn’t stopped collecting from the tooth fairy yet?  In an effort to understand, this adult female watched the video of “Baby”, a song that disturbingly features rap artist Ludacris who, until that point, had street cred.

I still don’t get it.

The image of a 5’3” teenager professing his love and offering to buy an elusive girl an engagement ring didn’t was just a little creepy.  And to see Ludacris (oh, Luda, what were you thinking?) supporting this by rapping to perhaps the most bubble-gummy music in history only makes a person wonder this: how much money is Bieber shelling out to these people?

But he delivers on his promise to provide words of wisdom to readers and viewers.  In his book, he talks about how he plans to make the world a better place, one fan at a time.  He explains: “People write to me and say, ‘I’m giving up, you’re not talking to me.’ I just write them a simple message like, ‘Never give up,’ you know? And it changes their life.”

Despite his issues with grammar, it is so comforting to know that he wants to give life-changing experiences to his readers.  He cares enough to offer 3 or so words to talk a youngster off the ledge.  Perhaps he does this via Twitter to reach as many nearly-suicidal tweens as possible (or at least the ones that check @justinbieber before hitting mom’s medicine cabinet).

Paramount Pictures, the studio that brought us everything from The Godfather to Iron Man, has acquired the rights to Bieber’s life story.  They will be able to show us the transition of a boy to a slighter older boy.  Depending on how long production takes, we may even get the story of Justin getting his wisdom teeth and first chest hair.

We can only pray.

It would not be accurate to say that all of the contestants on Dancing with the Stars have been light on their feet.  One might say that some of them have been downright awful (ahem, Kate Gosselin).  But if Troy Aikman was truthful in blabbing to TMZ that he will appear on next season’s competition, we can brace ourselves for an all new level of elephantine clumping.  Sure, some football players have done a pretty good job on the show, something you might expect from a running back or a wide receiver.  They make their livings using footwork to catch balls thrown by hulking masses known as quarterbacks.  The NFL doesn’t sign quarterbacks for their ability to run any more than Major League Baseball signs pitchers for their ability to hit home runs.

Stick to what you know, Big Guy. Please.

The day after Aikman made his surprising announcement, he backpedaled—even better, I might add, than he ever did on the field—joking that it would interrupt his schedule with American Idol.  It is likely that he changed his tune because ABC doesn’t like to reveal the casting of upcoming seasons until they can do it their way.  One might argue that Aikman would be better qualified to judge potential singers on American Idol that he is to dance anywhere, ever.  Not all the Ochocinco-style diamond rings and diamond necklaces distributed to the judges daily, under cover of darkness, will win him the competition.  It’ll be fun to watch, though.

As for American Idol, Troy Aikman is just about the only person not rumored to become a judge next season.  With Ellen DeGeneres bowing out and Simon Cowell finally ready to move on, speculation about the potential replacements has ranged from the ridiculous to the even more ridiculous.  Jessica Simpson was the first name thrown to the wolves, the Elton John, Harry Connick Jr., Justin Timberlake, and even Howard Stern.  Sean “Diddy” Combs apparently expressed interest in taking time out of his busy ego-massaging schedule to join the panel.  Now it appears that Jennifer Lopez is actually signed on as a new judge.  And the most disturbing rumor, particularly if it comes true, is that Aerosmith frontman Steven Tyler has been approached to be on the show.

Really, Steven?  Please let this be a joke.  While it would be entertaining to see him as a guest judge on the show, it would be just embarrassing for this to actually become a full-time gig for him.  American Idol is pop culture at it worst (maybe a close second to Dancing with the Stars, but still), and he is The Man.  He was rock and roll even when it wasn’t cool, and he continues to be, no matter how old he gets.  He’s a legend.  He can still rock out with the best of ‘em, and millions upon millions of fans were ecstatic when Aerosmith announced their current tour.  Seeing him sitting next to Randy Jackson and J. Lo would be degrading, at best.  Counter-culture, Steven, please.

The new seasons of Dancing with the Stars and American Idol promise lots and lots of pre-season controversy.  Let’s hope that’s all it is.

Really, what does Jay-Z have to complain about?  He is respected as a rapper and producer; he had his own clothing line which he sold for an ungodly sum; has endorsements out the wazoo; has ownership stakes in two sports teams, Def Jam Records, and the celebrity-packed 40/40 nightclubs; has never released an album that didn’t go platinum; and he took his longtime girlfriend Beyonce’s advice and put a $5 million engagement ring on it (the wedding ring cost a paltry $2.5 million).  His net worth is estimated at about $500 million.  But he loves a good fight.

Jay-Z: LeBron James is a Mean Man.

He has had well-publicized feuds with Nas, The Game, Damon Dash, Noel Gallagher, and even Red Sox slugger David Ortiz.  He is a master at taking everything very personally.  Now, basketball players Charles Barkley (himself not a stranger to controversy), Magic Johnson, and Michael Jordan have weighed in on LeBron James’ decision to sign with the Miami Heat, saying that they would have “acted differently”.  Well, LeBron doesn’t like to do what other people tell him to do.  It’s kinda his trademark.  Former NBA players—particularly those with the good reputations of Johnson and Jordan—have some insight and are specially qualified to comment.  But Jay-Z?  Where does he fit into this?

When you’ve got more than half a billion dollars, a chip on your shoulder the size of France, and a notoriously big mouth, you somehow manage to fit your way into whatever you want.  That’s just how you get to roll when you’re Jay-Z.  But an ego that size gets bruised when some guy who only rakes in a measly $18 million or so per year (not including endorsements) doesn’t answer its mighty calls.  Jay-Z apparently called LeBron several times during his free agency, to “consult” with him regarding which team he would play for.  But let us not forget that, as part owner of the New Jersey Nets, he was really looking out for the most important person in his life: himself.

So now the relationship between the rapper and the baller is “strained”.  Jay-Z is not a man who is accustomed to unreturned phone calls, and takes particular offense at not getting his way.  Having his calls ignored by some athlete can only lead to one thing, but at least it’s something that he’s good at.  Now he’s got someone else to be mad at.  Perhaps he’ll write a catchy hip-hop song disparaging the talent of LeBron James, undoubtedly taking verbal stabs at his parentage and sexual ability.  Somehow, it seems unlikely that he can say anything that LeBron hasn’t heard before.  And Beyonce can shake her generous booty in front of Jay-Z all day and it won’t ease the pain of not being considered the most important man in the world and an expert on all topics.

Poor Jay-Z.  It seems almost poetic that the man of many, many words has finally been confronted with silence, and he doesn’t like it at all.

Susan Boyle is still famous.  She still brings tears to people’s eyes when she sings “I Dreamed a Dream”.  She has released an album and used the proceeds to buy a home in her quaint little Scottish village.  She is charming and popular because she people want to see her perform even though she doesn’t look the way most famous singers do, and her figure is more Pavarotti than Madonna.  Bless her heart for not going on the magic lemonade diet to fit into Hollywood beauty standards.  But Susan is now looking beyond show tunes and love songs, and her new dream that she’s dreaming involves a collaboration with Lady Gaga.  More frightening than that is Lady Gaga’s mutual interest in recording with the former Britain’s Got Talent runner-up.

Do they make this costume in Susan Boyle's size? Gaga ooh-la-la.

Boyle has said that she even wants to wear the famous “Telephone” hat.  It’s somehow difficult to imagine our Scottish dame watching the full, ultra-controversial video of Lady Gaga’s “Telephone”, with its prison scenes and serial killing, and thinking: “That’s someone I’d really like to get to know”.  This is not the same shy, unassuming Susan Boyle who nervously performed on British television.  This is Boyle 2010, a woman who likes the funky costumes that Lady Gaga wears and gets white gold jewelry encrusted with diamonds from Simon Cowell for her birthday.  So far, the closest the two have come to performing together was in last year’s Halloween episode of Regis and Kelly Live, when Kelly dressed up as Gaga and Regis, predictably, as Susan.

But the two would like to work together, and that’s something.  Since she became famous, Boyle has been fielding offers from some really interesting sources.  50 Cent has said he’d love to do a track and even perform live with her.  Snoop Dogg has also said that he wants to work with her.  On an episode of Jimmy Kimmel, Kimmel asked Snoop how he can achieve the same laid-back ultra-cool vibe that the rapper exudes.  Snoop’s response was to join him in the aptly-named Green Room before the show.  It would be worth whatever came out of the recording studio to see Susan Boyle and Snoop getting lit together and then struggling to understand each other’s location-specific accents.  Boyle is not, one imagines, well versed in the language of the LBC.  She has admitted to not experiencing the “Sexual Eruption” that became one of Snoop’s most popular recent tracks.  Snoop has filmed his own porn films in the Girls Gone Wild style, although he was not an active participant.  Although she has started wearing makeup, added a little fashion to her wardrobe, and colored her hair, Boyle still looks like a 4^th-grade teacher.  Snoop barely attended school.

But still, the most unlikely and interesting duo is easily Boyle and Gaga.  Would they cover a song together?  Would we hear Susan’s voice belting out the “Rah rah ah ah ah/ Roma roma ma/ Gaga ooh la la” that has become the Lady’s signature?  Or would Gaga work her own rendition of “How Great Thou Art”?  Or, dare we dream a dream that they would write a song together?  And can we get video of their lyric-writing sessions?

As long as they don’t trade costumes, I’m all for it.

Meghan McCain, daughter of former Presidential hopeful John McCain, has penned another book.  While the content of the book, called “Dirty, Sexy Politics”, promises to bring us all of the insight and intelligence for which her family is known.  The reason it will sell, however, is because it features the blonde posed on an elephant’s head, provocatively holding its trunk in front of her.  If she had released it before the election, perhaps the Republicans could have won over the significant “horny male” demographic that was not enticed by the sex appeal of her Dad’s running mate, Sarah Palin, who has never posed provocatively with anything.

"After I do this shot, I'll tell you how I feel about Universal Health Care"

Weighing in on this latest political offering is our favorite conservative commentator, Snooki from MTV’s Jersey Shore, whom Meghan McCain sought out for an interview.  After confessing to a crush on the seductive Senator, Snooki revealed that “the only reason [she] voted for your father was because he was really cute and [she] liked when he did his speeches.”  It is just that sort of acumen that made Snooki a worthwhile pundit for the fledgling author’s book.  That, and her ability to wear obscenely short skirts and kiss random boys for the viewing pleasure of the many influential interest groups that tune into Jersey Shore each week.

As for the fate of Snooki’s show, it seems that almost the entire cast will be returning for a third season, still called Jersey Shore, although season two was shot in Miami.  The only person not returning will be Angelina, the girl that no one really liked anyway.  She didn’t do anything controversial or fun, and doesn’t enjoy eating pickles each morning like Snooki does.  The rest of the group held out for a while, hoping to get another raise, but now they have all signed on again and we can look forward to another drunken, fight-filled series.

In the meantime, the odd-looking Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino, our favorite shirt-shy, diamond studs-wearing self-proclaimed “guido” has made the absolute most of his sudden fame.  In addition the predictably releasing an abs-centric workout video featuring him and attractive women who were clearly paid to be there, he “created” his own clothing line and (wish I was kidding) recorded a rap song called “The Situation”.  It has a sound quality that makes one think that it was the show’s own Pauly D who mixed the track in his basement while coming down from a vicious hangover.

Although all of the cast members have become recognizable figures, Snooki almost caused a breakdown in contract negotiations when she told the press that several of them were “jealous” of her because she gets more attention than most of them.  However, without a wealth of job opportunities for young people who consider getting drunk, hooking up with strangers, and going to the gym to be “work”, they all signed on for yet another season of the same.

One can only hope that Meghan McCain takes time out of her book tour to drop in on the cast during filming.  It’s not like she can do any more damage than her father already has.

It’s a proud moment in a mother’s life when her daughter’s babydaddy, after saying all kinds of nasty things to the press and then showing his goods in Playgirl magazine, decides that he’d like to come back into the family fold.  Perhaps this would have been a better-timed decision if it happened while the aforementioned mother was a Republican vice-presidential candidate.  Sarah Palin was already mocked mercilessly in the press for not being the sharpest knife in the drawer, and then it came out that her unmarried teenage daughter was knocked up by a mullet-wearing good ol’ boy whose greatest accomplishment involved Guitar Hero.  That was pretty much the last nail in the coffin.

One Can Only Imagine The Excitement Sarah Palin Feels To Have This Young Fella Back In The Family.

Levi Johnston was undoubtedly strong-armed into his previous engagement to young Bristol Palin.  One can only assume that, given his proven inability to operate any birth control device, someone helped him slip the engagement ring on her finger.  That engagement fell apart shortly after it became clear that Sarah Palin wouldn’t become second-in-command, and there was no immediate “family values” display to uphold.

But it seems that, after months of arguing over custody of little Tripp, love blossomed once again for the now-19 year-old Bristol and 20 year-old Levi.  He declared his love for her in a very romantic text message.  “I miss you. I love you. I want to be with you again”, he wrote, according to Bristol, although it more than likely read: “I miss U.  I luv U.  I want 2 b w U”.  So they got engaged again two weeks ago, but didn’t tell anyone because they were afraid of what their parents would say, in yet another display of the maturity that makes them great role models for young people.  The Palins did release a statement to the Today Show this morning, stating, “”Bristol at 19 is now a young adult. We obviously want what’s best for our children. Bristol believes in redemption and forgiveness to a degree most of us struggle to put in practice in our daily lives.”

Sarah Palin’s enthusiasm was clear as a bell.  She is obviously ecstatic about the upcoming nuptials, which the kids plan to have within the next six months.  Proud as a peacock, that Grammy Palin.

Although Levi’s acting career seems to have stalled after his naked frolic through the pages of Playgirl, he has landed a gig doing something oil-related in Alaska.  Part of the conflict during the custody meetings related to his inability to maintain child support payments.  Bristol, on the other hand, will be making some serious bank by making speeches about (not kidding) abstinence for young people.  She’ll pull in between $15,000 and $30,000 per appearance.  The couple also made some cash to appear on the cover of US Weekly, although those details are being kept under wraps.

As for the plans for their future, Bristol Palin has said that she will be content to live with Levi near their native Wasilla.  With the money she makes, there is no doubt that they will be able to afford to live in a place where they can see Russia from their house.