Diamonds, Engagement Rings & Diamond Jewelry in popular culture

Mel Gibson, having stepped out of the public eye following his DUI and its resulting misogynistic, anti-Semitic rant picked up by every news station, newspaper, website and blog on the planet, is making an attempt to fix his image.  Yet he appeared on the Jimmy Kimmel post-Oscar show looking, well, demonic.  Having offended Jews worldwide not only with his depiction of them in his blockbuster “The Passion of the Christ”, but also with his drunken ranting at Malibu PD, it is no great mystery why he chose Jimmy Kimmel.  It’s kinda like the Grand Dragon of the KKK going on BET.

Thanks For Appearing On The Show, Lucifer.

Following the success of his Jesus movie, Gibson even went on to license “Passion Jewelry”, where his fans are still able to buy a tasteful Crown of Thorns pendant, or a lovely 1 3/16 inch NAIL (presented in an elegant velvet jewelry box, of course).  Such a shame that Mel’s fans might not have known about this before Christmas, and they were forced to buy less Jesus-centric silver jewelry elsewhere.

Now, Gibson is getting ready to go back on the big screen in a new movie called “The Edge of Darkness”, but the trailer he brought with him was called “The Colonel”, in which he dramatically portrays Colonel Sanders of Kentucky Fried Chicken.  In the video, he returns to his plantation to find his wife dying.  With her last breath, she hands him a chicken leg and says something about the original recipe.  It was meant to be overly-dramatic, self-deprecating, and charming, so we could all see how Mel Gibson is not a monster, that he’s really just a funny guy.  So the facial hair was for the video.  He could have shaved before appearing on television.  Instead, he showed up looking like the devil.  Good thinking, Mel.

During the interview, Gibson was asked about the call he made to Britney Spears after her famous meltdown.  He said that he felt for her, that she was going through a tough time, and that she was “close to being stoned” by the media (he carefully avoided use of the term ‘flogged’).  He thought that, by reaching out to her, he could give her some guidance and help.  He off-handedly mentioned Heath Ledger as well.  When Kimmel pressed him a bit on this, Gibson said that he should have called Ledger a long time ago, but that nobody could have really seen this coming and he truly believed that it was an accidental overdose that killed the actor.  The implication that a phone call from Mel Gibson can bring you back from the brink of insanity or prevent a drug overdose is, well, clearly “Mel Gibson Thinking”. 

If his goal was to make himself more likeable and charming to the world at large, I’m afraid that His Mel-ness failed, and that nothing short of a time machine to take him back to his Lethal Weapon days can do that.  At least in the Lethal Weapon series, the writers and directors focused his bat-snot-craziness and megalomania, turning it into box office gold.

Somebody needs to make sure Mel Gibson gets the memo that making a movie about the Christian Messiah does not necessarily make you the Christian Messiah.

Feeling Down?  SSRIs Not Working?  Want a Little Nosh?  Everyone knows that the holidays can be a distressing time.  Maybe you don’t have the money to buy great gifts for your loved ones.  Maybe you live far away from your family. Maybe you’re really just not that lovable.  You find yourself filled with self-doubt, depression, and you feel like you just aren’t worth the oxygen it takes to keep you alive.

Great News!  This is a problem you can buy your way out of.  A little gold can go a long way (at least 30 or so feet) to make you feel better about yourself.  Artist and Designer Tobias Wong created something better than chocolate, better than Viagra, better than Prozac to help lift your spirits around the holidays, or any time.  For only $429.00, you can purchase 3 capsules filled with 24-carat gold leaf.  After taking these unusual medicinals, you will, literally, be worth gold.  For at least as long as it takes the gold leaf to travel the 30 feet through your digestive tract, anyway.

Gold Pills Make You Worth Something!

Remembering back to the 1990s, there was a drink called Goldschlager appearing in bars everywhere.  It is a cinnamon-flavored schnapps with little bits of gold leaf in it.  The bottles are cool-looking, with the bits of gold floating around, and it isn’t particularly expensive, but it has a bite like an angry tiger.  The gold leaf, like most things, would just pass, but it certainly made vomiting more vibrant and interesting.

The product details for the “Gold Pills” by Tobias Wong, according to gnr8.biz, read: “Indulge your ‘inner’ self with these 24k gold leaf capsules.  Digest to increase self-worth”.  So THAT’S how it’s done.  Why pay for therapy or medications, or socialize with loved ones, when all you need to feel good about yourself, to value yourself, is take a few gold pills at $143 apiece?  Certainly, you can feel worth the cost of the pills (plus shipping) for up to 24 hours—more if you can hold it.  But, eventually, as noted above, they, too, shall pass.  How will you feel after you’ve spent $429.00 for a day’s worth of self-love and have nothing to show for it but sparkling feces?

Killer Diamond Engagement Ring Might Be Smarter.

If, during your 24 hours of feeling worthwhile, you decide to finally propose to your girlfriend, you can buy the “Killer Diamond Engagement Ring” for your intended.  The engagement ring is also a Tobias Wong creation, with the razor-sharp diamond mounted upside-down so it can cut skin to the bone.  Really.  Nothin’ says lovin’ like a ring that can kill an attacker or key a car.  This ring is also carefully designed so, while issuing a beat-down to some thug, your blushing bride-to-be will not get any cuts herself.  And, while it is unconventional, and your girlfriend might look at you strangely when she first sees the ring, it is probably better to propose than to explain a $500.00 trip to the bathroom.

Let’s say, for the sake of argument, that I am a God-fearing Christian; that I live by the teachings of Jesus; and that Christmas means more to me than an opportunity to score tons of gifts. Let’s also say that I decorate my house each Christmas season with a tasteful amount of lights and plastic reindeer, and that I carefully place one appropriately-sized, light-up, waving Santa Claus in my front yard to extend the merriment of the season to passers-by.

No matter how much I love Christmas, or love Jesus, or want to share my beliefs with others, do I want this to be among the trimmings in front of my home.

Not In This Lifetime, Thanks (courtesy afa.net)

So please, please do not buy this for me for Christmas this year. I cannot, in good conscience, put it up. Never mind that I actually like my neighbors and don’t want to offend them. This is the kind of thing that could get me killed. And my beaten, bloody corpse is not what the family wants to find under the Christmas tree this year.

I have always respected everyone’s religious beliefs. I don’t care if someone is Christian or Jewish or Muslim or Buddhist or Hindu or even Scientologist (although I do rather enjoy mocking Scientology and its inherent silliness). The point is that there are much more accurate ways to judge a person than his or her religion. For example: clothing style, intelligence, awareness of world events, spelling.

I have also never been offended by anyone saying “Merry Christmas”. I know that, after years of not worrying about political correctness, “Happy Holidays” sounds a bit cumbersome. It also seems to suck all of the joy out of the sentiment. I have in my head a conversion chart of sorts. It is like Babylon software in my brain. It takes “Merry Christmas” and turns it into whatever thing will make me smile that day. Sometimes it translates to “Have a great day”, and other times, my brain hears: “Your butt looks great in those jeans!” It’s all about perspective.

This year, I have decided that I will be nice to people and smile, regardless of the nearness of December 25. Instead of waiting for Santa Claus to buy me diamond studs, I have chosen to buy them myself. Santa has enough on his mind, anyway. “Naughty and Nice” lists must get more complicated as the years pass. I am a simple girl with simple needs, and I don’t care how easy this thing is to assemble, if it only takes minutes and only requires a screwdriver. It doesn’t matter how waterproof it is or that shipping is included in its low, low price.

This year, I will remind my friends, family, neighbors and everyone who drives by of the real meaning of Christmas by being a good person—and by looking genuinely surprised by those diamond studs.

It used to be that women would wait patiently for Prince Charming to ride up on his white horse, kneel in front of her, and present her with a beautiful engagement ring.  Evidently, this still does, sometimes, happen.  Maybe the white horse is a Harley-Davidson and he doesn’t kneel so much as nervously shift from one foot to another, but the sentiment is still there: I love you and am pretty sure that I want to spend to rest of my life with you, but, if not, this ring can be melted down and made into something else that doesn’t remotely remind you of me.  Love is a beautiful thing.
For women who are either tired of waiting or don’t want to wait for this phenomenon, there is now an alternative: right-hand rings.  Instead of waiting for Mr. Right (or Mr. Right Now), some women are choosing to buy themselves diamonds.   Why wait for a beautiful ring when we are fully capable of buying ourselves exactly what we want, without relying on someone else to fulfill our accessorizing needs? 

The jewelry industry has definitely taken notice of this trend.  Every jeweler, from the cheesy to the upscale, is offering a variety of “right-hand” diamond rings that promises to announce to the world your success, power, self-sufficiency and so on.  It is a fad that has even hit Hollywood, although in a perplexing way.  Seen flaunting their displays of independence are Sarah Jessica Parker, Julia Roberts, Debra Messing, and Victoria Beckham—all, ironically, happily (or at least dutifully) married to extraordinarily wealthy men.  Certainly, these women can afford to buy their own rings, so they do–carefully sporting them on their right hands.  It is on their left hands that we can see the diamond exhibits received from their respective husbands.

For those of us who never realized that diamond rings were hand-specific, this fad comes as something as a surprise.   Most of us tend to choose which hand a ring goes on by how much water we are retaining that particular day. 

These diamond rings, although they are catering to women who want to flaunt their independence, are not some kind of feminist flag waving at the world.  They are pretty things that some of us want and can afford to buy.  And, like a fantastic new pair of shoes, they can make your whole day better.

Sometimes, we cannot adequately express our inner drug dealers, and we must look outside ourselves to find the right way to say “I routinely sell illegal and potentially-deadly substances to the under-aged and stupid”. 

Fortunately, there are places that can specifically cater to these needs: Department of Revenue auctions.  When the police make a drug bust, they confiscate not just illegal materials like drugs and weapons, but also anything potentially purchased with drug money.  This opens up a vast field of options if you’re looking for something truly gaudy, but for a bargain price.  A perceptive buyer can get items ranging from Kitchenaid cookware to Bentleys and Porsches.

‘Drug Dealer Chic’, in general, often includes oversized, expensive jeans, designer shirts, and huge jewelry.  It is the jewelry that truly makes the man, and the one wearing the most “ice” (diamonds) is displaying his wealth in much the same way a peacock shows his feathers.  These demonstrations serve to not only attract females, but to attract clients as well.  Just as the peahen is drawn towards to male with the biggest and most colorful show of feathers, so is the crackhead drawn to the sparkle of diamonds.  For these reasons, a savvy seller of dope will adorn himself as resplendently as possible.  More clients means more money for more ice which draws more girls and more clients and so on.

Such wise pushers of drugs were recently busted in Raleigh, North Carolina.  Truly, they are successful at peddling their wares in the Tar Heel State, as police impounded many beautiful items, like a $38,000 watch and $23,000 gold Jesus pendant.  Also found were a $29,500 Jacob $ Co. 5 time-zone watch with tiny gemstone continents and a $38,000 silver Breitling 1884 chonometre watch (Newsday.com).

A Fine Example.

Truly, the piece dé resistence of the upcoming auction is a diamond-studded gorilla pendant, clearly a symbol representing strength and the angst of living in an urban jungle.  Evidently, there is a diamond missing from the pendant—perhaps shaken loose during a high-speed chase or foot race—but it is still appraised at $21,600.  Who will the lucky bidder be?

“You’d be surprised who buys this stuff,” Department of Revenue spokeswoman Kim Brooks said (Newsday.com).

Some items are melted down, but a discerning buyer might find just the right gift for that special someone.  Since the names of the buyers are a matter of public record, however, it might be a good idea to shop from a reputable and knowledgeable seller of diamonds.

Jennifer Lopez got a pink diamond.  Marilyn Monroe got a platinum eternity band with 36 diamonds.  Paris Hilton was weighed down by a 24-carat diamond engagement ring for a few weeks. 
Now even the average human can have very special, one-of-a-kind diamond rings–and for only a few thousand dollars–by taking the cremated remains of loved ones and having it pressed into diamonds.   You can proudly wear Grandma, or Uncle Joe, or Fluffy on a custom-made ring, or, if you prefer, you can wear all three at once in a stunning drop diamond necklace.

Grandma, Grandpa, Aunt Edna, and Uncle Joe (with Pearl).

The process, began by LifeGem in England, is actually very simple.  They remove 2 grams of carbon from the ashes and place it in a diamond press, exposing it to a temperature of 3,000°C and pressure up to one million pounds.  In two weeks, a synthetic diamond is produced.  Carat weights range from .25 to over 1.5. 
Celebrity craziness is nothing new, so it was no surprise when lunatic musician Pete Doherty decided to have Shelley, his cat with ex-girlfriend Kate Moss, made into a diamond.  He wanted to present it to her in an effort to win back her love after they split.  No word on whether or not Shelley died a natural death.
Bringing the term “Crazy Cat Lady” to a whole new level, a woman decided to have her pet made into a diamond after he died suddenly at age 11.  Sue Rogers, according to UK’s “The Guardian”, lost Sooty, her black cat, and wanted to keep him with her at all times.  She inquired about having the diamond be black, since Sooty was.  LifeGem then developed the process of exposing the diamond to electrons for 24 hours, which turned the cloudy diamond black.  This has served them well, as they can now create diamonds in many colors—or even colorless.
People are having non-furry family members turned into diamonds as well.  Nancy Wodziak of Minnesota had her husband turned into a yellow diamond after he died of brain cancer.  She was, surprisingly, the first in the state to have her husband’s remains dealt with in this way.  Another woman who lost her husband let the diamond remain clear, but with flaws.  She was heard to say that “…he wasn’t perfect, so why should the diamond be?” 
Should other loved ones balk at this new way to memorialize the deceased, there is an upside to the process.  LifeGem does not use all of the ashes, so some are still available for a more traditional scattering or burial in an urn.  But why do that when you can have this ‘mobile memorial’ to carry with you wherever you go?