Diamonds, Engagement Rings & Diamond Jewelry in popular culture

Or not. Having been notified by my mother that Bristol Palin would appear on Dancing with the Stars in the show’s new season, I can’t say I was surprised.  The Palin family is hard-pressed to find any other new and exciting ways to embarrass themselves.  Indian Engagement Ring Giver Levi Johnston is all set to star in his own reality show that will follow his dignified campaign to follow in the practical footsteps of his twice-ex-fiancee’s mother as mayor of Wasilla, Alaska.  Why should he be the only one to ride the reality TV cash cow to fame, fortune, and a lifetime of shame and ridicule?  I guess those speaking engagements about the benefits of pre-marital abstinence aren’t going so well for the 20 year-old single mother of a Republican politician, and a girl’s gotta pay the bills, right?

Class Like This Can Only Be Found on DWTS

Bristol has vowed that she will maintain her dignity on the show (if that’s even possible) by forgoing the standard tight, sequin-y costumes that are a standard on the show.  Watching her dance in floor-length wool skirts, flannel shirts and hiking boots has the potential to draw a whole new audience to the show: the Amish and Hasids.  Mazal tov.  Backing Bristol up on this vow is fellow contestant David Hasselhoff, who appears to have developed some modesty—and perhaps some extra drunken hamburger-induced tonnage—since his Baywatch days.  The actor/singer told the UK’s Press Association that, “You won’t see me in spandex because that reveals too much of The Hoff.”  One can only assume that “The Hoff” is his pet name for the same junk he took such pleasure in jiggling all over the screen while he ran to rescue struggling swimmers all those years ago.

We can imagine that one contestant will be more than happy to reveal as much skin as possible while two-stepping with partner Karina Smirnoff, for whom one can only feel sympathy.  Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino, who has apparently run out of non-choosy women on Jersey Shore, has decided that a turn on another reality show can’t hurt his reputation.  Everyone already knows he’s a dirtbag.  I hope Karina is prepared for as much shirtlessness as the show will bear, and that she can find a way to incorporate latex gloves into her costume choices.  Or a Haz-Mat suit.

Another pit of vacuity will be joining the cast.  After a failed acting career, Audrina Patridge of another MTV show, The Hills, has decided to give dancing on a national stage before resorting to a pole at some “gentlemen’s club” in Hollywood.  She will likely spend most of her time fighting off the less-than-subtle advances of The Situation.  Best of luck to both of them.

Rounding out the show are some people who might be fun to watch.  Can Florence Henderson dance at her age?  Will she charm us like Chloris Leachman did?  Athletes Kurt Warner and Rick Fox of the NFL and NBA, respectively, will show their moves, as will Michael Bolton, the unrecognizable Jennifer Grey, Comedian Margaret Cho, Singer Brandy, and whoever Kyle Massey is.

Truly great television is possible this season, if only The Situation finds himself willing to take on another grenade and put some moves on Bristol Palin.  THAT is must-see TV.

It’s a name we could have gone a lifetime without knowing.  Levi Johnston could easily be just some Alaskan redneck with a mullet drinking PBR tallboys with the guys and discussing his latest conquests.  No such luck.  Because of those powerful, icy swimmers of his, he became better known—and more respected—than the woman who forced him to put an engagement ring on her pregnant daughter’s finger.  While his 15 minutes were supposed to be over after his spread in Playgirl, he has managed to stretch it out more than two fat kids wrestling over a Snickers.  Not only does he still intend to run for mayor of Wasilla, Alaska, but he intends to do so in his very own reality TV show.

Helloooooooo, Mr. Mayor!

He’s no longer planning to marry Bristol Palin, as we all know.  Their second engagement was cut off when news broke that he may have impregnated another young Wasilla girl.  Bristol was also apparently miffed when he co-starred in a music video lampooning the famous family he was once to be a part of.  Whatever.  He and the people who clearly think for him realized that he is one of Alaska’s untapped resources: pliable stupidity.  He’ll do anything that his agents tell him to.  And there’s no shame in being ridiculed for everything he does.  He still gets chicks, and has shown that he can procreate with the best of ‘em.

His talents are to next be showcased in a show called Loving Levi: The Road to The Mayor’s Office.  While the double-entendre no doubt went over his head, it is just clever enough to get people to watch, provided that the as-yet unscripted show is picked up by a network.  The 20 year-old’s manager, Tank Jones (not kidding), has confirmed the reports that Levi is serious about running for office because he sees that there are serious political issues that need to be addressed in his hometown.  He goes on to reassure us that, “This is not a spoof.  This is not a joke.”

The truth is, Levi hardly finds himself with a tough act to follow.  How much worse can he possibly be than his babymomma’s momma?

Levi has made sure to be seen over the last few weeks.  He appeared at the Teen Choice Awards Sunday on the arm of Brittani Senser, the singer who hired him to appear in her music video.  He was at the same awards show last year, but escorted Kathy Griffin.  It was perfect exposure for a young man who hopes to lead a small town into the big time.  Tank Jones has said that Levi was very serious about his mayoral bid, with or without television cameras following his every move.  Whatever.

Either way, it seems that, at this time, Levi Johnston has a more promising political future than Sarah Palin.  Somewhere in Alaska right now, a woman is loading her shotgun and preparing to shoot some defenseless animals.

For the record, I think Wyclef Jean is a great candidate for President of Haiti.  He meets all of the constitutional requirements, he has always been proud of his homeland, he has been fundraising for the poverty-stricken country for as long as he’s been famous, and he’s willing to take on the Herculean task of running a nation that suffered a horrendous earthquake that took an estimated 230,000 lives and has rendered the country politically and economically devastated.  So he would get my vote.  This is one case in which celebrity status can be an asset to keeping attention on rebuilding.

Tennesseans: This year, be sure to bring Bud Light when you vote!

But then there are these folks who are running for offices in the United States, people I wouldn’t allow in my own home—much less any governors’ mansions.  First, there is the campaign by Kristin Davis, the madam who supplied former Governor Eliot Spitzer with prostitutes while he was in office.  Perhaps she is trying to change her image from disgraced ex-con madam to disgraceful ex-con New York politician.  She is running on a platform of legalizing prostitution and marijuana, stating that taxing them will close the state’s budget gap.  She is also in favor of gay marriage, much to the dismay of most gay people who would rather not have her name attached to their cause.  Davis is a smart woman who went from hedge funds to prostitution because she compared the numbers and realized she could make more than her six-figure income by supplying women to high-profile politicians, athletes, and celebrities.  She isn’t yet officially on the ballot, however, so she might have to rely on write-ins and, possibly, returning to selling herself in the financial sector the legal—yet no less reprehensible—way.  Spitzer resigned before he could be impeached, and is said to be in couple’s therapy with his wife, who probably should have hocked her engagement ring while it could have still gotten scandal-worthy top-dollar.

And then we have the incomprehensible Republican gubernatorial candidate, Basil Marceaux Dot Com. This good ol’ boy is running for office in Tennessee, and he pledges to all of those who vote for him that he will “immune you from all state crimes for the rest of your life!”  That was all in bold, capital letters on his website, by the way.  In his most recent campaign ad, he tells us, “Put me in the Capitol [pause] so I can [pause] do my issues”.  To go along with his nearly unintelligible speech, there were bullet points.  This is so we can better understand why he wants to “plant vegitation [sic]” in vacant lots so ethanol will somehow be created that he will be able to sell or trade for money and gas.  I paraphrase this after taking several viewings myself to understand (I still don’t).  He also vows to “stop traffic stops”, no doubt endearing him to the many NASCAR fans in his constituency.  Plans also include to “make the flag fly right”.  The thing is, you almost want to love this guy because he is who he is.  He doesn’t pretend to be the many things that other political candidates declare of themselves: educated, bright, media savvy, or qualified.  He is, one might say, no John Kennedy.

Election day should be a hoot this year.

Not long after the announcement that 16 year-old Justin Bieber wrote an autobiography (about what—teething?), we learn that he will also be starring as himself in a 3D biopic.  Evidently, the director of An Inconvenient Truth is in talks to direct Bieber’s film.  Now that’s inconvenient.   Now seriously, what is the deal with Justin Bieber?  There have been 16 year-old singers before.  In the 80s, members of Menudo were booted out when they reached that age.  In the 90s, we had that “Mmmmm…bop” group of brothers, one of whom many of us believed to be a girl.  Then the Jonas Brothers came along.  But their fan bases were all the same: 12 year-old girls.

Justin Bieber (not young Ellen DeGeneres): so much wisdom to share.

So what is it about Justin Bieber that makes him interesting to adult women?  What would make the director an Academy Award-winning movie about global warming decide to document the life of a girlish boy who hasn’t stopped collecting from the tooth fairy yet?  In an effort to understand, this adult female watched the video of “Baby”, a song that disturbingly features rap artist Ludacris who, until that point, had street cred.

I still don’t get it.

The image of a 5’3” teenager professing his love and offering to buy an elusive girl an engagement ring didn’t was just a little creepy.  And to see Ludacris (oh, Luda, what were you thinking?) supporting this by rapping to perhaps the most bubble-gummy music in history only makes a person wonder this: how much money is Bieber shelling out to these people?

But he delivers on his promise to provide words of wisdom to readers and viewers.  In his book, he talks about how he plans to make the world a better place, one fan at a time.  He explains: “People write to me and say, ‘I’m giving up, you’re not talking to me.’ I just write them a simple message like, ‘Never give up,’ you know? And it changes their life.”

Despite his issues with grammar, it is so comforting to know that he wants to give life-changing experiences to his readers.  He cares enough to offer 3 or so words to talk a youngster off the ledge.  Perhaps he does this via Twitter to reach as many nearly-suicidal tweens as possible (or at least the ones that check @justinbieber before hitting mom’s medicine cabinet).

Paramount Pictures, the studio that brought us everything from The Godfather to Iron Man, has acquired the rights to Bieber’s life story.  They will be able to show us the transition of a boy to a slighter older boy.  Depending on how long production takes, we may even get the story of Justin getting his wisdom teeth and first chest hair.

We can only pray.

It would not be accurate to say that all of the contestants on Dancing with the Stars have been light on their feet.  One might say that some of them have been downright awful (ahem, Kate Gosselin).  But if Troy Aikman was truthful in blabbing to TMZ that he will appear on next season’s competition, we can brace ourselves for an all new level of elephantine clumping.  Sure, some football players have done a pretty good job on the show, something you might expect from a running back or a wide receiver.  They make their livings using footwork to catch balls thrown by hulking masses known as quarterbacks.  The NFL doesn’t sign quarterbacks for their ability to run any more than Major League Baseball signs pitchers for their ability to hit home runs.

Stick to what you know, Big Guy. Please.

The day after Aikman made his surprising announcement, he backpedaled—even better, I might add, than he ever did on the field—joking that it would interrupt his schedule with American Idol.  It is likely that he changed his tune because ABC doesn’t like to reveal the casting of upcoming seasons until they can do it their way.  One might argue that Aikman would be better qualified to judge potential singers on American Idol that he is to dance anywhere, ever.  Not all the Ochocinco-style diamond rings and diamond necklaces distributed to the judges daily, under cover of darkness, will win him the competition.  It’ll be fun to watch, though.

As for American Idol, Troy Aikman is just about the only person not rumored to become a judge next season.  With Ellen DeGeneres bowing out and Simon Cowell finally ready to move on, speculation about the potential replacements has ranged from the ridiculous to the even more ridiculous.  Jessica Simpson was the first name thrown to the wolves, the Elton John, Harry Connick Jr., Justin Timberlake, and even Howard Stern.  Sean “Diddy” Combs apparently expressed interest in taking time out of his busy ego-massaging schedule to join the panel.  Now it appears that Jennifer Lopez is actually signed on as a new judge.  And the most disturbing rumor, particularly if it comes true, is that Aerosmith frontman Steven Tyler has been approached to be on the show.

Really, Steven?  Please let this be a joke.  While it would be entertaining to see him as a guest judge on the show, it would be just embarrassing for this to actually become a full-time gig for him.  American Idol is pop culture at it worst (maybe a close second to Dancing with the Stars, but still), and he is The Man.  He was rock and roll even when it wasn’t cool, and he continues to be, no matter how old he gets.  He’s a legend.  He can still rock out with the best of ‘em, and millions upon millions of fans were ecstatic when Aerosmith announced their current tour.  Seeing him sitting next to Randy Jackson and J. Lo would be degrading, at best.  Counter-culture, Steven, please.

The new seasons of Dancing with the Stars and American Idol promise lots and lots of pre-season controversy.  Let’s hope that’s all it is.

It actually made news when Jon Hamm, one of many breakout stars from the series Mad Men, proclaimed that he has no desire to ever get married.  Men everywhere exalted the behavior of the borderline-misogynist, alcoholic, philandering, double-life-leading Don Draper.  Such is the nature of the beast, they rationalized.  Now they can elevate him to god-like status as he made it clear in an interview with Parade magazine that doesn’t want to get married, saying: “I don’t have the marriage chip”.

Jon Hamm and Jennifer Westfeldt: Together, Happy, Not Married.

Perhaps this is just a way for him to deflect questions regarding his longtime girlfriend Jennifer Westfeldt, whom he met in 1997.  It was easy for the couple before he got so famous, but now, in the age of endless engagement/marriage/divorce speculation that celebrities must endure, he has been asked often when he plans to put an oversized engagement ring on her finger.  This is because people assume that every woman desperately wants to be married and bear children.  Hamm cleared this up—for now—in the article, explaining that neither of he nor Westfeldt have good examples of marriages in their own families, so they are content to just be together.  “We’ve already been together four times longer than my parents were married,” he said.

Some of us wait a long, long time to find role models that don’t see marriage as a necessity.  Yes, most people get married, making a big deal out of planning a proposal, showing off the engagement ring, and throwing weddings that cost more than a house.  And that’s great for them.  But what of the others, the outliers, the folks that can be in love without turning it into a three-ring circus (pun intended)?  Where are they to look for validation?

First, those outliers don’t need validation.  If they did, they’d do what people are “supposed to do” and get married.  But it is heartwarming to see couples that are with each other because they like to be, with or without making the cover of People magazine.

But a man does make the cover of magazines when he says that he has no intention of getting married, or is, at least, not planning on it.  The irony is that the men who look at Jon Hamm and his revelation with awe are married, or going to get married, circus and all.  As for the ever-present question about having kids (Westfeldt is now 40 years old), he was equally candid, saying, “I like kids, but I also like the option to close the door”.  He understands that, once you have children, you have taken on a 24-hour a day job.

As for the “normal” people, the 80% of Americans who get married at least once by age 40, well, good for them.  If that’s what they want, then that’s what they should do.  Marriage is a beautiful commitment, and having children is, evidently, wonderful as well.  But outliers like Jon Hamm and Jennifer Westfeldt shouldn’t be criticized for following their own path.  Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell have been together for 25 years.

We don’t have to like Don Draper, but you’ve gotta respect Jon Hamm for his honesty.  It’s refreshing in Hollywood.

Really, what does Jay-Z have to complain about?  He is respected as a rapper and producer; he had his own clothing line which he sold for an ungodly sum; has endorsements out the wazoo; has ownership stakes in two sports teams, Def Jam Records, and the celebrity-packed 40/40 nightclubs; has never released an album that didn’t go platinum; and he took his longtime girlfriend Beyonce’s advice and put a $5 million engagement ring on it (the wedding ring cost a paltry $2.5 million).  His net worth is estimated at about $500 million.  But he loves a good fight.

Jay-Z: LeBron James is a Mean Man.

He has had well-publicized feuds with Nas, The Game, Damon Dash, Noel Gallagher, and even Red Sox slugger David Ortiz.  He is a master at taking everything very personally.  Now, basketball players Charles Barkley (himself not a stranger to controversy), Magic Johnson, and Michael Jordan have weighed in on LeBron James’ decision to sign with the Miami Heat, saying that they would have “acted differently”.  Well, LeBron doesn’t like to do what other people tell him to do.  It’s kinda his trademark.  Former NBA players—particularly those with the good reputations of Johnson and Jordan—have some insight and are specially qualified to comment.  But Jay-Z?  Where does he fit into this?

When you’ve got more than half a billion dollars, a chip on your shoulder the size of France, and a notoriously big mouth, you somehow manage to fit your way into whatever you want.  That’s just how you get to roll when you’re Jay-Z.  But an ego that size gets bruised when some guy who only rakes in a measly $18 million or so per year (not including endorsements) doesn’t answer its mighty calls.  Jay-Z apparently called LeBron several times during his free agency, to “consult” with him regarding which team he would play for.  But let us not forget that, as part owner of the New Jersey Nets, he was really looking out for the most important person in his life: himself.

So now the relationship between the rapper and the baller is “strained”.  Jay-Z is not a man who is accustomed to unreturned phone calls, and takes particular offense at not getting his way.  Having his calls ignored by some athlete can only lead to one thing, but at least it’s something that he’s good at.  Now he’s got someone else to be mad at.  Perhaps he’ll write a catchy hip-hop song disparaging the talent of LeBron James, undoubtedly taking verbal stabs at his parentage and sexual ability.  Somehow, it seems unlikely that he can say anything that LeBron hasn’t heard before.  And Beyonce can shake her generous booty in front of Jay-Z all day and it won’t ease the pain of not being considered the most important man in the world and an expert on all topics.

Poor Jay-Z.  It seems almost poetic that the man of many, many words has finally been confronted with silence, and he doesn’t like it at all.

The rumors are true.  Kate Gosselin will be bringing her kids to Alaska for part of her new show Kate Plus 8.  It will be part of Kate’s drive to teach her kids about all of the different states.  And what better authority to teach them than former Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin?  After all, she’s known far and wide for being an expert on so many things, from parenting to her command of the English language.  She is signed on for her own show on The Learning Channel for a series called Sarah Palin’s Alaska, in which she will somehow have to spin her notorious anti-environmental moves as Governor.  Whatever.  People will watch.

I hope Palin reminds Kate to pack a parka.

Both women jumped at the opportunity to go camping together for Kate’s show.  Hopefully, they will bring an encyclopedia with them if they want it to be a learning experience.  After last week’s “Refudiate-gate”, Palin lost further credibility as an expert on, well, anything.  And she certainly isn’t known for being into the outdoors unless it’s to hunt things, or to say things like “Drill baby, drill”.  But since exploiting the environment is nothing new, exploiting the fame of Kate Gosselin for camera time is certainly well within her moral standards.

Sarah Palin has, after all, been hit hard on the whole “family values” thing, something that might have been pushed aside had her unwed teenaged daughter not recently decided to marry her babydaddy, proudly donning an engagement ring once again.  It has been noted in the press that she not only disapproves of the couple reuniting, but has publicly stated that she doesn’t think the wedding will take place.  Seeing young Bristol and Levi in Vegas with young Tripp as ring-bearer will make for a great US Weekly cover, so Palin better get on board with the whole thing pretty soon.

As for Gosselin, she seemed to fare much better in the media than her ex, but is still hardly viewed as a role model for young women.  Her turn on Dancing with the Stars was, she claimed, a way for her to make money to support her family.  But with the photos of her in a bikini surfacing all over the place, it seems that her visible tummy-tuck scars and new, higher breasts are telling a slightly different story.  It also appears that she has had multiple visits from the Botox fairy.

All of the controversy does, however, make for great television, and the pairing of these two parenting giants guarantees huge viewing numbers.  No one will be tuning in to Palin’s show to really learn anything about Alaska (unless redneck behavior counts), and no one will be watching Kate Gosselin to pick up parenting tips.  But tune in, they will.  These shows are not the brainchildren of TV execs looking to educate the masses.  Rather, they are easy use of media-hungry women hoping to somehow redeem themselves to the public.

As for whether or not either will succeed, well, that, fortunately for both, is a no-brainer.

Two things are generally accepted truths about Megan Fox: she is exceedingly beautiful and she can’t act to save her life.  But she’s great at getting press.  Rumors of her possibly getting another acting role cause tsunamis of media attention.  The most recent is of the actress (and I use the term loosely) possibly starring in a movie about Hall of Fame pitcher Old Hoss Radbourn called “Fifty-Nine in ‘84”.  She might be playing his seductress.  It’s a role that suits her.  She has become famous not for her skills, but because men enjoy picturing her naked, and they are willing to pay to see a film in which she might flash some skin.

Megan Fox: Making sure the media is still following.

She is also famous for her ability to steal the spotlight.  Everyone loves a Hollywood wedding, and wearing her engagement ring from former 90210 star Brian Austin Green in June kept the cameras on her.  They had broken up, but reunited and then got married a month later in a private ceremony.  Was it just a wave of love that swept the couple into a quickie wedding?

Probably not.  Brian Austin Green, prior to meeting young Megan, had been engaged to and had a child with actress Vanessa Marcil.  Their breakup was about as ugly as a breakup can be.  But they share a child, and they clearly don’t have issues using him against each other.  Marcil was engaged to CSI:NY star Carmine Giovinazzo, and had undoubtedly told her ex about their upcoming, very private wedding—to ensure that her son would be in attendance.  When Megan found out, she must have pitched a hissy fit suitable of a spoiled 24 year-old.  Clearly, she wanted to eclipse Green’s 41 year-old ex-fiancee’s wedding and have one of her own.  So she worked her sex-kitten magic on Green and decided to beat Marcil to the punch.

So they had their romantic ceremony on the beach in Hawaii, with only Green and Marcil’s son in attendance.  Then they released the photos and video to every press outlet on earth.

When Marcil and Giovinazzo got married in their own small ceremony a few weeks later, it became barely a footnote to the media, since they decided not to make a big deal out of it.  So far, not one photo of the wedding has been seen in magazines or online.  But was taking the high road just the way the couple rolls?

Probably not.  It had the lovely effect of making their love seem so pure and intimate (which it might very well be), but also made Fox and Green look like attention-seeking media whores.

That the weddings happened so close together is suspect at the least.  It won’t take long to see whether the attention-seeking Fox plans to stay in a peaceful, press-less marriage, or whether she’ll need some more controversy to keep herself going.  It’s not like directors and producers are lining up to give her juicy acting roles.

Does anyone have a stopwatch?

It’s a proud moment in a mother’s life when her daughter’s babydaddy, after saying all kinds of nasty things to the press and then showing his goods in Playgirl magazine, decides that he’d like to come back into the family fold.  Perhaps this would have been a better-timed decision if it happened while the aforementioned mother was a Republican vice-presidential candidate.  Sarah Palin was already mocked mercilessly in the press for not being the sharpest knife in the drawer, and then it came out that her unmarried teenage daughter was knocked up by a mullet-wearing good ol’ boy whose greatest accomplishment involved Guitar Hero.  That was pretty much the last nail in the coffin.

One Can Only Imagine The Excitement Sarah Palin Feels To Have This Young Fella Back In The Family.

Levi Johnston was undoubtedly strong-armed into his previous engagement to young Bristol Palin.  One can only assume that, given his proven inability to operate any birth control device, someone helped him slip the engagement ring on her finger.  That engagement fell apart shortly after it became clear that Sarah Palin wouldn’t become second-in-command, and there was no immediate “family values” display to uphold.

But it seems that, after months of arguing over custody of little Tripp, love blossomed once again for the now-19 year-old Bristol and 20 year-old Levi.  He declared his love for her in a very romantic text message.  “I miss you. I love you. I want to be with you again”, he wrote, according to Bristol, although it more than likely read: “I miss U.  I luv U.  I want 2 b w U”.  So they got engaged again two weeks ago, but didn’t tell anyone because they were afraid of what their parents would say, in yet another display of the maturity that makes them great role models for young people.  The Palins did release a statement to the Today Show this morning, stating, “”Bristol at 19 is now a young adult. We obviously want what’s best for our children. Bristol believes in redemption and forgiveness to a degree most of us struggle to put in practice in our daily lives.”

Sarah Palin’s enthusiasm was clear as a bell.  She is obviously ecstatic about the upcoming nuptials, which the kids plan to have within the next six months.  Proud as a peacock, that Grammy Palin.

Although Levi’s acting career seems to have stalled after his naked frolic through the pages of Playgirl, he has landed a gig doing something oil-related in Alaska.  Part of the conflict during the custody meetings related to his inability to maintain child support payments.  Bristol, on the other hand, will be making some serious bank by making speeches about (not kidding) abstinence for young people.  She’ll pull in between $15,000 and $30,000 per appearance.  The couple also made some cash to appear on the cover of US Weekly, although those details are being kept under wraps.

As for the plans for their future, Bristol Palin has said that she will be content to live with Levi near their native Wasilla.  With the money she makes, there is no doubt that they will be able to afford to live in a place where they can see Russia from their house.