Diamonds, Engagement Rings & Diamond Jewelry in popular culture

Call it bad performing, call it bad casting, call it the judges drinking “hater-ade”, call it the effects of steroids, but don’t call it anything but justified.  The Situation has been eliminated from Dancing with the Stars after performing, well, something that was supposed to be dance but didn’t quite pass muster.  And by “pass muster”, I mean that he didn’t dance.  His feet moved a little bit and he threw his 80-pound partner around very well, but that doesn’t make it pretty.  It was as uncomfortable to watch as is it was to be Karina Smirnoff.  She must feel cheated that she hasn’t had time to make tabloid news for another affair with a co-star.  While we are all somewhat saddened that we won’t get to see The Situation embarrass himself on this show any more, we can all rest assured that he will do just fine in upcoming seasons of Jersey Shore.

One less embarrassment for show, lower rating to ensue.

The judges were harsh on the couple, complimenting only Karina for her ability to maintain composure while her partner forgot steps, looked at his feet, and showed all the grace that Al Gore might were he to attempt the Argentinian Tango.  I am crying for you, Argentina, for having your name attached to this event.  The elimination will give ample time for our Italian-American bed-hopper to do some extra crunches before filming another season of the show that first took away his family name—something that makes Sorrentinos everywhere rest a little easier.  But what about the rest of us?  Will we ever be able to use the word “situation” in a sentence without thinking of this vacuous assclown?

Some of the negative attention was temporarily taken away when Bristol and Mark took the floor.  Yes, the young Palin was appropriately clumsy and inexplicably dressed, but when she pulled his shirt over Mark’s head halfway through their performance, it was just silly.  We get it.  Dancers have good bodies and Bristol Palin, well, not so much.  We’d rather see Mark Ballas topless than his partner.   Beyond that, they didn’t dance well.  Not that anyone really expects many of these “stars” to be great dancers, but there should be some kind of qualification process.  Something a little more discerning than “Has this person been in the National Enquirer enough?” and “Is this person considered a has-been?”  It doesn’t necessarily make for good television when we are constantly averting our eyes to avoid feeling the shame that the performers must feel.

At least The Situation and Bristol Palin have careers to return to.  One gets to return to tequila-guzzling, tanning, and grenade avoidance, while the other can return to her lucrative pro-abstinence speaking circuit.  One will make millions for embarrassing himself to the delight of MTV viewers everywhere, and the other will end up married to an Alaskan loser with a deer strapped to the hood of his F1-50.

And we’ll keep tuning in to Dancing with the Stars because Jennifer Grey has shown us that she can still cut a rug even without her real nose.  Of course, the same can be said for Audrina Patridge, except for the dancing part.

Either way, it will continue to be a hit for as long as there are former celebrities willing to embarrass themselves.  Bless their hearts.

But we still don’t like him.

And the world begins a game of “Where’s Eduardo?”  Eduardo Saverin originally bankrolled Facebook with $1000, when it was still being run from a Harvard dorm room.  Later, everyone’s favorite megalomaniac Mark Zuckerberg just decided to removed Saverin from the company.  A lawsuit resulted in Saverin receiving 5% of the company, worth about a billion dollars now.  Zuckerberg fumed.  It is said that Saverin was the primary source of information for the book “The Accidental Billionaire”, on which the movie The Social Network was based, but, wherever he is, he’s not talking.  That was, evidently, part of the settlement.  Whether it’s his Brazilian-ness or his billions, searches for him online shot up about 600% after the movie was released Friday.  As the only marginally good-looking co-founder of Facebook, he is suddenly more popular than Brad Pitt and chicks are lining up to get a suitably-sized engagement ring from the elusive chess-playing recluse–if they can find him.  Even Mark Zuckerberg, who was portrayed in the film as just-this-side-of Darth Vader on the cruelty scale, has become a hot ticket.

One of these brought "SexyBack". The other, not so much.

Zuckerberg has been portrayed as greedy, rude, and dishonest.  He is said to think of himself as a hacker, and, at one point, was rumored to use Facebook to read personal information and emails of anyone using the site.  In an effort to repair public opinion of him, he appeared as himself on an episode of The Simpsons.  He also donated $100 million to the Newark, New Jersey school system, although he claims that it has nothing to do with the movie.  He says he had been planning to become a philanthropist all along, but the timing of his gift came at the same time that press for the movie increased.  After all of the lawsuits filed against him by former business associates, it seems somehow unlikely that his desire to make the world a better place came from the heart.

Perhaps the most perplexing of all casting was Justin Timberlake as Napster co-founder and former Facebook president Sean Parker.  Not because Timberlake is a bad actor; he is, in fact, quite good.  But Sean Parker, who was forced to leave Facebook after being arrested for cocaine possession, is not exactly what anyone would call “good looking”.  Justin Timberlake, on the other hand, is. Timberlake portrayed a cocaine-addicted backstabber who was instrumental in ousting Eduardo Saverin from Facebook, Inc., and some talk shows and entertainment reporters have even mentioned him as a possibility for an Oscar nomination.  Although the depiction of Parker was so negative, it is said that he was very pleased with the choice of Timberlake to play him.  Who wouldn’t be?  A borderline-average-looking uber-geek gets to have a hot superstar pretending to be him.  How lucky for Sean Parker that Hollywood wanted at least one big name to be associated with the film.

But people would have gone to see the movie anyway.  And then they would have quickly changed their Facebook status updates to read: “Saw ‘Social Network’.  Justin Timberlake is so hot!”

Negative depictions or not, these nerdy guys are now household names, and will undoubtedly begin dating models and actresses.  So it goes.  Still haven’t seen the movie.  Maybe I’ll illegally download it.

It isn’t unusual for athletes and celebrities to branch out and use their popularity to sell merchandise.  It begins with endorses other people’s products, but then they begin hiring people to develop their own products.  Britney Spears and Mariah Carey, among countless others, have their own perfumes.  Paris Hilton also has energy drinks bearing her name.  50 Cent has his own Vitamin Water.  JWoww from Jersey Shore is developing a new line of hair extensions to match her classy club-wear.  In the breakfast cereal biz, it started with Wheaties putting famous athletes on the front of the box.  At the height of their popularity, Bill & Ted had their own semi-nutritious way to start your day.  And then Chad Ochocinco, receiver for the Cincinnati Bengals had his people create Ochocincos, which is basically Honey Nut Cheerios under a new name.  It was a good idea in theory, but he probably would have been better off being known as the guy who bought his Dancing with the Stars partner an extravagant diamond necklace and matching ring.  Not because his breakfast cereal is any worse than the many others, but because of an unfortunate typo on the box bearing his burly frame holding up the Os on either end of his name.

Offering more than just a healthy breakfast.

He deserves some credit for using his fame to promote a good cause, which is, in this case, Feed the Children.  In an effort to raise money for the charity, the toll-free number to donate was supposed to be printed on the box.  That number is (888) HELP-FTC.  Unfortunately, due to a typographical error, (800) HELP-FTC was put there instead.  Evidently, the letters associated with 435-7382 must also spell something pretty disgusting.  When a 9 year-old girl dialed the number, instead of hearing a prompt for donations to Feed the Children, she heard a sexy voice offering to “do anything you want”.  We can assume that pressing “1” would not direct her to the nearest donation center.  We can also guess that the 9 year-old was not interested in hearing “whatever it takes to pleasure you”.  Just a guess.  Prior to the discovery, Ochocinco took to Twitter to tell his followers that they should “order my cereal OCHOCINCOS.  Start your day with a lil suga!!”  This was clearly not the “suga” he planned on hawking to the masses.

Fortunately, a few helpful citizens, after reading of the mistake, called the number to see what it was about.  It did not, evidently, disappoint.  A few other upstanding members of the community took to the internet to see what those numbers can possibly spell besides “HELP-FTC”.  The answers were disturbing.  The only lingering question is how a phone-sex line could be a toll-free number.  I thought those were all 900 numbers which would charge outrageous fees to find out what this young lady and her “ultra-hot girlfriends” were capable of doing.  It takes a great deal of self-restraint to not find out the answer to that.  The easy way out was to check Ochocinco’s Twitter page, which was full of apologies.  He is, after all, known to be a good guy, and he was trying to do a good thing.  And he’s an athlete, not a copywriter.  Someone else dropped the ball (no pun intended) on this one.  It was small type on the back of the box.

But can someone, anyone, please tell me how he could let it slide that the giant name of the cereal reads “Ochocinco’s”? That is so wrong.

It was heartbreaking over the years to watch the struggles of young Natalie Green.  She was the chubby girl forced into jolliness despite watching all of her friends start dating while she stayed with Mrs. Garrett and baked cookies.  But we tuned in, without fail, to watch The Facts of Life week after week, even after the girls graduated, went to college, and met a young, dorky, mullet-wearing George Clooney after they opened a shop that sold useless junk. But it was bright, colorful useless junk, and we all wanted that giant inflatable palm tree.  But I digress.  Natalie—that is, actress Mindy Cohn—eventually moved on shortly before Blair Warner was due to receive her first Medicare card.  Were we to play Six Degrees of Separation, we’d assume that Mindy met Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie through George Clooney.  We’d be wrong.  Somehow Mindy became close with B-list actor and brother of Saint Angie, James Haven.  He’s the brother that Angelina tongue-kissed in that revolting awards show display.  Through James, she met Angelina, and through Angelina, she met Brad.

The unlikely friends are apparently so close that Mindy Cohn has been named godmother to twins Knox and Vivienne. (As an aside here, I must add: “You’re 44 years-old.  Mindy?  I think it’s time for a grown-up name.”)  She does have that sort of motherly vibe, although apparently has no children of her own.  I guess that doesn’t matter when your BFFs are bearing more fruit than the state of Florida.  So Mindy has the godmother honors in case something tragic happens while St. Angie does her saintly things.  (Again, an aside: I’d love to be able to hate this woman, but seeing her watch part of the Charles Taylor trial at The Hague made me respect her.  Curses, foiled again!)  As a thank you, the Jolie-Pitts have flown Mindy all over creation to spend time with their economy-sized family.  Most recently, they gave her a diamond ring that is some ridiculous 5-or-6-carat piece that she proudly wears.  Most women would clothesline their own grandmothers to get a diamond from Brad Pitt, but Mindy remains as nonchalant as a person can while dragging a rock that size around.

"I took the good. I took the bad. Now I just get a consolation prize?"

Diamonds are an interesting choice, if one refers back to the whole Charles Taylor trial.  He is, after all, accused of (among crimes against humanity, use of child labor and the such) trading diamonds for weapons in the mass genocide of Sierra Leone.  Is Angelina putting her politics aside to give Mindy such an extravagant gift?  It seems, well, hypocritical.  But how does one with limitless wealth reward the godmother of her children?  It seems that a Smart Car would be a good choice, but in all its eco-friendliness, it is unlikely to accommodate a woman of Mindy Cohn’s size.  Perhaps mounting one of those in a platinum setting?  It wouldn’t be much smaller that a 6-carat diamond, after all.  But, again, I digress.

So Mindy Cohn didn’t get to marry Brad Pitt and bear his children.  She does, however, get to play her eternal role as jovial sidekick to the Beautiful People.  At least she’s had practice.

Michael Vick was as surprised as anyone to find out that he would, once again, be filling in for injured Philadelphia Eagles QB Kevin Kolb on Sunday.  Now, while Kolb resists the temptation to beat his head against the wall (he’s got a concussion, for those not in the know), Vick is proving what many of us already knew: he kicks a**.  After taking over for Kolb in the second half of the season opener, he ran for 103 yards—leading the team in rushing—and threw for 175, including a touchdown.  Despite his performance, Eagles head coach Andy Reid stands by Kolb as starting quarterback.  And why?  Because 3 years ago, Vick was charged with participating in an interstate dog fighting ring.  After pleading guilty to federal charged, he served 21 months in prison and an additional two in home confinement.   He has since spoken out against animal abuse and done everything that he can do to improve himself.

Should I repeat the part where he served his time?  Isn’t the goal of punishment to teach offenders a lesson?  As for his argument that dog fighting was a part of his upbringing and it is cultural, animal rights groups and haters alike all claimed that he was making excuses.  Spend a few months working at any SPCA in the South and anyone can see that it is, in fact, something that many underprivileged folks get into.  But that’s not the point.  He served his time.  He lost endorsement deals and his NFL contract, and was completely ostracized.  Perhaps if he were only caught sleeping with a baker’s dozen of women he wasn’t married to, he would have been given only a slap on the wrist and suffered embarrassment.

But he came back.  Against all odds and the wishes of screaming masses, he came back to the NFL with his head held high.  And last Sunday, he threw for 291 yards (including 3 touchdowns), completed 17 of 31 passes with no interceptions, and rushed for an additional touchdown.  Next week, the Eagles take on the Washington Redskins.  The story there could easily be about the division rivalry or former Eagles QB Donovan McNabb starting for Washington now.  But thanks to the big mouth of a fella named Albert Haynesworth, we should have something else to talk about.

Haynesworth takes a stand against slave treatment, and, evidently, diet cola.

The two-time All-Pro defensive tackle seems to have his nose out of joint a bit because he was recently told that the ‘Skins would be switching to a 3-4 defense and he would be moved to nose tackle.  During a tirade on radio 106.7 The Fan, the normally media-unfriendly giant spoke about his ‘need’ to take a stand.  He decided to forgo the normal off-season conditioning practices and skipped a mandatory minicamp.  Because of all of this, he was unable to pass necessary conditioning tests that would enable him to play.  This is after a $21 million bonus check cleared on April 1.  His argument?  That he is nobody’s slave.

The argument is supposed to carry weight with us because Haynesworth is black.  His knowledge of the general treatment of actual slaves seems to be a bit on the fuzzy side, because no slave I’ve ever heard of has a $100 million contract and diamonds the size of dinner plates on his earlobes.  “Just because somebody pay [sic] you money don’t [sic] mean they’ll make you do whatever they want or whatever,” he explained.  “I mean, does that mean everything is for sale?”  He went on to lament that, “I’m not for sale.  Yeah, I signed the contract and got paid a lot of money, but…that don’t [sic] mean I’m for sale or a slave or whatever.”  Well, I hate to tell you this, big guy, but yes, it does.  If a normal person who is not, say, 6’6” and 350lbs, signs a contract with Microsoft to do a specific task, that person is expected to deliver, or she is in violation of that contract.  If a copywriter signs a non-compete contract, agreeing not to write about companies in the same industry, then he not only negates the contract but risks financial repercussions as well.  It’s called a job.  And those people are probably not raking in dollar amounts well above the GNP of most countries.

But let’s all busy ourselves with talking about Michael Vick—who is doing his job, and doing it well.  That makes much more sense.

God help us all.

Yet another news day has come upon us and, as we optimistically look for something worth reading, we instead find that Americans are still expecting miracles, Iran is still run by a lunatic, and there is still no peace in the Middle East.  Those stories—newsworthy or not—are buried underneath layers of Ashton stepping out on Demi, Lindsay Lohan soing drugs, and Bristol Palin doing things that don’t make sense.  But it’s mostly Bristol.  Now that she seems to have put the whole ‘Levi Johnston engagement ring’ business behind her, she is branching out.  Now, following in the sensible shoe-prints of her mother, she has started her own Facebook page.  She told the Associated Press that she is doing this to step out of her comfort zone and begin talking about her “pro-life and pro-family” views.

Mostly, however, she has used her new page as a way to talk about her performances on Dancing with the Stars.  She must have made Mama Palin so proud when she first appeared on the show.  She wore a conservative suit and her hair in a bun, looking as much like her mom as possible.  Then, to the booming beats of the family classic “Mama Told Me Not to Come”, she threw off her Velcro-ed-on conservative garb to reveal a fire engine red, fringed minidress that clearly showed her commitment to conservative values.  She shimmied and shook those solid family values all over the stage.  After agreeing to appear on the show, the 19 year-old vowed to be covered up in a respectable way in direct contrast to the usual dance apparel worn by contestants.  Of course, respectable means different things to different people.  She was definitely wearing more than she was when she got knocked up at 17, so that’s a step in the right direction.  The only logical way to convey her views on abstinence was to end her performance with dance partner Mark Ballas’s hand on her behind.  Whatever.  It got great media coverage, and we know how the Palin clan likes that.

Since Sarah Palin likes to meet all the guys who grab her daughter’s tush, young Bristol brought Mark Ballas to Alaska to meet the family.  How proud they must all have been to meet the next young man to help sully the Palin name.  He could be well on the way to fathering the next grandchild, after all.  The 24 year-old has been studying dance and music for most of his life, and Sarah must have been ecstatic to learn that he was in a musical group called 2B1G (2 boys, 1 girl).  He has all of the qualities that a Republican White House hopeful looks for in a son-in-law.  Palin tweeted her enthusiasm for her daughter’s first performance on DWTS, and plans to be in the audience in the future.  All the better to keep an eye on her daughter from there.

So you can check out Bristol Palin’s Facebook page to see all the photos of her with Mark caressing her butt, and to read her self-written pro-life, family values rhetoric.

Any guesses as to which will make more become fans of her page?

For starters, Katy Perry was an odd choice as a celebrity guest on the wholesome children’s program Sesame Street.  She is known for her revealing, strange style of dress and has graced more worst-dressed lists than Paris Hilton.  Anything attention-getting is right up her alley, including her often-blue hair.  Although she filmed an episode of Sesame Street looking more wholesome than she ever has, enough parents complained to PBS that her dress was too revealing and her appearance on the show was pulled.  Perhaps her history of odd behavior played into the decision.  She is, after all, the woman who ecstatically accepted an engagement ring from the oddly-shorn, unclean-looking Russell Brand.  The couple took to Twitter to express their reactions.  Perry tweeted that it, “looks like my play date with Elmo has been cut short” and urged fans to view the skit on her website.  Brand reacted by tweeting, “Today’s Sesame Street will NOT be brought to you by the number 34 or the letter D”.  Classy.

Katy Perry: In case you haven't seen them yet.

The have been other sex-kitten types on the show, with appearances by Cher, Beyonce, Kim Cattrall, and even Jessica Alba to describe the word “scrumptious”.  Parents didn’t ask PBS to pull those appearances.  There have also been skits from actors and musicians who are no strangers to controversy.  Sopranos actor James Gandolfini, rapper Ice-T, and marijuana aficionado Cheech Marin have been on the show, although Chris Brown’s appearance was cancelled after his girlfriend-beating incident.  Sesame Street has not shied away from featuring openly gay actors, with skits including Neil Patrick Harris subtly acting as the “Fairy Shoe Person” and Nathan Lane performing in all his glory.  The show has had as many stars as Saturday Night Live, including athletes, musicians, actors, politicians, models, and activists.  No public outcry has matched this one.  It is because Sesame Street is getting racy, because parents are getting more conservative, or because YouTube made footage viewable in time for people to object?  Three guesses, and the first two don’t count.

But it seems that Katy Perry’s reputation preceded her, and parents weren’t having it.  Executive Producer Carol-Lynne Parente defended their decision to have Perry on the show and felt that the skit was far from too racy for young viewers, but revealed that the show relented when so many adults objected to the YouTube-leaked portion.  She cited the importance of Sesame Street’s relationship to its viewers and the opinions of parents.  Although the controversy may seem silly, any show that relies on public donations needs to tread lightly.  There might have been uproars over previous celebrities appearing on the show, but since many of them were prior to the “YouTube” age, any criticism would have come only after the shows aired.  Who knows if Cheech’s episode was aired more than once?

So Katy Perry’s D-cups will never air on Sesame Street. It’s okay.  You can view them clearly in every other picture of her ever taken.

Of course there’s nothing quite like a celebrity wedding.  Other celebrities attend, there’s lots of media coverage, the engagement rings make every magazine and website to showcase their sheer hugeness, and so on.  And, let’s be honest, there are more televised weddings than ever before.  Understandable when it was Prince Charles and Princess Di; it was significant, and it was on news channels.  But now everyone’s gotta go and make a reality show out of their weddings.  Why?  None of the people whose weddings people will tune in to watch need the money.  When Bethenny Frankel signed on for Bethenny’s Getting Married, Tori Spelling had hers, and now, tragically, Carmelo Anthony and La La Vasquez have premiered their show La La’s Full Court Wedding.  Evidently, the more-than $14.4 million dollars Anthony will earn this year doesn’t cover the expense of a fantasy wedding.  Or, perhaps, La La was a bit bummed that her star has been steadily fading since she stopped being an MTV VJ.

The happy couple, ready for their close-up.

But oh, Carmelo, why could you not just be content with the fame you have reached by being an outstanding small forward?  Were you just playing along so your new bride could show the world how important she still is?  In interviews, it is La La who does most of the talking, telling us about hanging out with Ciara, Kelly Rowland, and Tyrese Gibson prior to the wedding.  She goes on to explain that we should celebrate the already 7-year relationship that the couple has shared, and the 3 year-old son that took part in the nuptials.  She laments the difficulty in planning such a large-scale affair, although she had—as all people with money to burn do—a full-time wedding planner.

And then the reason for the show becomes quite a bit clearer.  It seems that Vasquez is trying to jump start an acting career.  She is already co-starring in The Gun with 50 Cent and Val Kilmer, and is producing a few reality shows with Russell Simmons.  But she’s got her eye on some new fame of her own.  After all, most people watch Lakers games to see what actors and musicians are in the crowd.  Should the Denver Nuggets not have the same privilege?

Not only did the normal celebrity-related media cover the wedding, but ESPN also had some representatives.  After all, there were a number of famous athletes there, like LeBron James, Lamar Odom, Amare Stoudemire, and, of course, Kim Kardashian.

Lady Gaga has a new album coming out entitled “Born This Way”.  We can pretty much guess what the content will be like, with heavy dance beats and interesting lyrics, but the singer has nonetheless told the media that it will “[tick] people off”.  Really, Ms. Meat Dress?  Are we to be surprised that you may have recorded some things that some people might think is not quite mainstream?  Truthfully, she has said that it is not the subject matter that will upset people, but rather the hit-after-hit nature of her work.  “My fans have related to me as a human being and as a non-human being—as the superhuman person that I truly am”.  Modesty is not an emotion that her ladyship is feeling at this time.  She has, in fact, earned her ego, winning award after award and fearlessly standing up for causes that are close to her heart, with gay rights at the forefront of those beliefs.

Afraid of controversy? Not so much.

Lady Gaga was first embraced by the gay community for her dance tracks and love for all people, regardless of their sexual orientation.  Then, as her popularity increased and her songs were played on Top 40 stations around the world, she found herself receiving accolades for more than her politics and ability to find producers who can lay down hot beats.  “Bad Romance” and “Poker Face” were international hits.  And despite her taste for bizarre fashion and generally unacceptable behavior, even naysayers couldn’t deny that the girls got pipes.  If the words didn’t get you, her voice did.  The crazy chick has talent.  This became obvious when established artists clamored to work with her.  When she recorded “Telephone” with Beyonce, creating a music video that many outlets wouldn’t play because of violent content, the pair still reached the top of the charts.  When the R&B powerhouse turned 29 on September 4, Gaga sent her a gift of a leather whip studded with diamonds.  Apparently, upon receiving her birthday present, Beyonce “squealed” because she was so pleased.

The new album promises more number one singles, including the title track.  “Born This Way” is not only about Lady Gaga’s own peculiar lifestyle, but is also a dedication to the gay, lesbian, and trans-gendered community.  “I knew I had an ability to change the world,” she told RWD magazine, “when I started to receive letters from fans: ‘You changed my life’, ‘I’m gay and my parents threw me out’”.  These are people who have found solace in the unflagging support of the singer.  At this year’s VMAs, Gaga showed up with three guests, all former military personnel who were either kicked out of the service or leaving willingly for refusing to comply with the antiquated “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy that has been in place since 1993.  The mandate is currently under review, and we can be sure that Lady Gaga will continue to speak out against any kind of regulations that prevent openly-gay Americans from serving in the Armed Forces.  “Born This Way” is a musical affirmation of her belief.

As for her gigantic ego, she has said, “Everyone tells me I’m arrogant, but music is the only thing I’ve got, so you’ll have to let me be confident about one thing”.  She appears to confident about a few other things, as well, showing up at a Major League Baseball game in little more than underwear, ripped stockings and a baseball jersey.  The New York Yankees were not amused, particularly when she was shown on the jumbotron giving the “one-finger salute”.  She routinely performs wearing very little clothing, and she really does have the body for it, but still.  And the culmination of her body confidence showed itself again when she accepted a Video Music Award wearing a minidress made entirely of beef. She was standing next to Cher, who donned the fishnet-and-electrical-tape outfit from the late-80s video for “If I Could Turn Back Time”, and she still managed to be the one grabbing headlines.  The original scantily clad gay icon stood next to Gaga and managed to look modest in comparison.  It’s difficult to compete with a woman who finds fashion at a butcher shop.  While PETA was not amused, the rest of the world was.

Bring it on, PETA.  You’re just adding fuel to the fire, and all that will accomplish will be a headlining singer wearing a medium-well dress to next year’s awards.

Irritated into submission after the last few months, Reggie Bush decided to give back his Heisman Trophy.  Evidently, the NCAA decided that 5 years later is as good a time as any to punish a guy who worked his tail off to become one of the greatest running backs that USC ever had.  And, of course, any 20 year-old kid should know better than to accept money to buy his loving family a beautiful home, right?  Certainly, most boys that age would be wary of anyone offering cash, since every athlete has a full working knowledge of NCAA guidelines that may or may not affect them in the future.  Right?  Would it not make more sense to simply punish USC and the sports agent who admitted to giving almost $300,000 in gifts to Bush?  Well, they did that, but not before the agent, Lloyd Lake, decided to sue the now-millionaire for repayment while agreeing to cooperate with NCAA in a frantic effort to save his own tail.

"Okay, now can we talk about, you know, football?"

In July, incoming USC president Max Nikias said that all murals and jerseys the school has been displaying in Bush’s honor would be taken down, and that the school would also return their copy of the trophy as well.  Although Bush has not specifically admitted to any wrongdoing, he agreed to return the trophy so he can get on with his career, saying that, “The persistent media speculation regarding allegations dating back to my years at USC has been both painful and distracting”.  He also stated that he would spend the rest of his career proving that he was, despite everything, worthy of the award that was granted to him in a landslide vote over Vince Young.  Young even posted on Twitter that, “Reg will continue to be the 2005 award recipient and I will continue to be honored to have been on the 2005 Heisman campaign with such a talented athlete”.   The question has never been about Reggie Bush’s talent or whether or not he deserved the Heisman that year.  It is about compliance with NCAA rules.  It’s a dangerous can of worms to open, however, since college athletes have had lavish gifts handed to them for as long as there has been competition to keep them playing and happy.  1972 winner Johnny Rodgers noted that OJ Simpson got to keep his trophy.  But, since the NCAA does not specifically say that murder is against their policies, they never threatened to sanction him or the school for which he played.

Reggie Bush would probably gladly go back to the time when the media focused on him because he was expected to give Kim Kardashian an engagement ring, which she would not have to return under any circumstances.  Eventually, maybe he will get some press for being one of the greatest running backs the New Orleans Saints have ever had.  It would be nice to see him getting attention for something good and, yes, newsworthy.

This all comes in the same year that Congress is using a similar time machine to go after former Major League pitcher Roger Clemens, who they are claiming lied in congressional hearing regarding use of performance-enhancing drugs.  Will Clemens have to return any of his five Cy Young awards?  Congress, like the NCAA, should try to stay in the present and deal with things that are happening now.

Like that will ever happen.