All of those medical marijuana licenses must have been approved, because federal prosecutors in Northern California have nothing better to do than pick on Barry Bonds again. This will be the third time they file charges against the former San Francisco Giants slugger: once for allegedly using illegal performance-enhancing drugs, once for allegedly lying to a grand jury about using performance-enhancing drugs, and once for—oops, that’s twice for allegedly lying about the drugs. Seriously, aren’t there criminals to chase? Walk through Golden Gate Park at night and you’ll see that there are bigger fish to fry than a guy who hit baseballs for a living. But here are a bunch of folks who worked their tails off, spending several years going into debt in school and many more earning meager wages as they clawed their paths up the legal ladder, and then there is a guy who spent one short year in the minors before bursting onto the Major League scene and its matching salary. Prosecutors can’t possibly be mad at someone who may have possibly lied 7 years ago. They’re mad at someone who may have possibly lied 7 years ago while showing up in court with more money in diamonds hanging from his earlobes than each earns in a year.
"Maybe I used steroids, maybe not. Don't you have anything better to do?"
The law goes only so far, but bitterness is forever.
And so Barry Bonds is being indicted. Again. Really. After we had forgotten, for the most part, about the whole BALCO scandal, about the whole steroid issue, about who was juicing whom. We had gotten out of heads the horrifying images of Jose Canseco sticking a needle into Mark McGwire’s butt. But when we think back, we scratch our heads as we try to remember how and why Barry Bonds somehow became the Big Fat Liar who needs to be hunted like a dog. Out of all of the Major League players who went from reed-thin to freakishly muscular in less than an off-season, it is Bonds whom prosecutors wanted to take down, and, like rabid bulldogs, they continue to hold on. And whither Mark McGwire, Mike Piazza, Roger Clemens, Sammy Sosa, and Pudge Rodriguez? Did showing up in court wearing bifocals make some of them appear frail enough to cause the grand jury to dismiss the idea that they had been using steroids? Was there a personality portion of the trial? Bonds made no attempts to charm the media or anyone, ever. Perhaps being an egomaniacal jerk worked against him.
Correction: being an openly egomaniacal jerk worked against him (I’m looking at YOU, Rocket Roger).
The charges have been reduced from 11 to 5. There are 4 counts of perjury because of the way he answered the question as to whether he ever took steroids from trainer Greg Anderson. He responded, “Not that I know of.” Oh, sure. Presidents have been getting away with murder—literal murder in the form of pointless military action—by saying, “I don’t remember” or “Not that I recall.” Ronald Reagan made a career of forgetting things long before he was symptomatic of Alzheimer’s. But let someone who entertained millions (and put countless rear ends into Major League seats that would have otherwise sat empty) answer with tactical ambiguity and suddenly the wrath of the Northern Cali Feds rains down upon him. There is also a lingering count of Obstruction of Justice for answering questions in ways that were vague and/or misleading. Speaking of forgetfulness, that sounds like a repeat of the first charge, but with a different name.
And so the federal prosecutors in Northern California prepare for Barry Bonds’ March trial. All of this in an era when Congressmen—currently holding office, decision-making married Congressmen—are placing shirtless ads on Craiglist trolling for chicks.
Focus, people. Let the past be the past and put your efforts into trying to make the present a little less embarrassing for all Americans. Barry Bonds can quietly retreat into a private life, applying ProActiv to his back in peace, and the Northern California Federal Prosecutors can, oh, I don’t know, fight crime.
