Diamonds, Engagement Rings & Diamond Jewelry in popular culture

It was heartbreaking over the years to watch the struggles of young Natalie Green.  She was the chubby girl forced into jolliness despite watching all of her friends start dating while she stayed with Mrs. Garrett and baked cookies.  But we tuned in, without fail, to watch The Facts of Life week after week, even after the girls graduated, went to college, and met a young, dorky, mullet-wearing George Clooney after they opened a shop that sold useless junk. But it was bright, colorful useless junk, and we all wanted that giant inflatable palm tree.  But I digress.  Natalie—that is, actress Mindy Cohn—eventually moved on shortly before Blair Warner was due to receive her first Medicare card.  Were we to play Six Degrees of Separation, we’d assume that Mindy met Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie through George Clooney.  We’d be wrong.  Somehow Mindy became close with B-list actor and brother of Saint Angie, James Haven.  He’s the brother that Angelina tongue-kissed in that revolting awards show display.  Through James, she met Angelina, and through Angelina, she met Brad.

The unlikely friends are apparently so close that Mindy Cohn has been named godmother to twins Knox and Vivienne. (As an aside here, I must add: “You’re 44 years-old.  Mindy?  I think it’s time for a grown-up name.”)  She does have that sort of motherly vibe, although apparently has no children of her own.  I guess that doesn’t matter when your BFFs are bearing more fruit than the state of Florida.  So Mindy has the godmother honors in case something tragic happens while St. Angie does her saintly things.  (Again, an aside: I’d love to be able to hate this woman, but seeing her watch part of the Charles Taylor trial at The Hague made me respect her.  Curses, foiled again!)  As a thank you, the Jolie-Pitts have flown Mindy all over creation to spend time with their economy-sized family.  Most recently, they gave her a diamond ring that is some ridiculous 5-or-6-carat piece that she proudly wears.  Most women would clothesline their own grandmothers to get a diamond from Brad Pitt, but Mindy remains as nonchalant as a person can while dragging a rock that size around.

"I took the good. I took the bad. Now I just get a consolation prize?"

Diamonds are an interesting choice, if one refers back to the whole Charles Taylor trial.  He is, after all, accused of (among crimes against humanity, use of child labor and the such) trading diamonds for weapons in the mass genocide of Sierra Leone.  Is Angelina putting her politics aside to give Mindy such an extravagant gift?  It seems, well, hypocritical.  But how does one with limitless wealth reward the godmother of her children?  It seems that a Smart Car would be a good choice, but in all its eco-friendliness, it is unlikely to accommodate a woman of Mindy Cohn’s size.  Perhaps mounting one of those in a platinum setting?  It wouldn’t be much smaller that a 6-carat diamond, after all.  But, again, I digress.

So Mindy Cohn didn’t get to marry Brad Pitt and bear his children.  She does, however, get to play her eternal role as jovial sidekick to the Beautiful People.  At least she’s had practice.

Michael Vick was as surprised as anyone to find out that he would, once again, be filling in for injured Philadelphia Eagles QB Kevin Kolb on Sunday.  Now, while Kolb resists the temptation to beat his head against the wall (he’s got a concussion, for those not in the know), Vick is proving what many of us already knew: he kicks a**.  After taking over for Kolb in the second half of the season opener, he ran for 103 yards—leading the team in rushing—and threw for 175, including a touchdown.  Despite his performance, Eagles head coach Andy Reid stands by Kolb as starting quarterback.  And why?  Because 3 years ago, Vick was charged with participating in an interstate dog fighting ring.  After pleading guilty to federal charged, he served 21 months in prison and an additional two in home confinement.   He has since spoken out against animal abuse and done everything that he can do to improve himself.

Should I repeat the part where he served his time?  Isn’t the goal of punishment to teach offenders a lesson?  As for his argument that dog fighting was a part of his upbringing and it is cultural, animal rights groups and haters alike all claimed that he was making excuses.  Spend a few months working at any SPCA in the South and anyone can see that it is, in fact, something that many underprivileged folks get into.  But that’s not the point.  He served his time.  He lost endorsement deals and his NFL contract, and was completely ostracized.  Perhaps if he were only caught sleeping with a baker’s dozen of women he wasn’t married to, he would have been given only a slap on the wrist and suffered embarrassment.

But he came back.  Against all odds and the wishes of screaming masses, he came back to the NFL with his head held high.  And last Sunday, he threw for 291 yards (including 3 touchdowns), completed 17 of 31 passes with no interceptions, and rushed for an additional touchdown.  Next week, the Eagles take on the Washington Redskins.  The story there could easily be about the division rivalry or former Eagles QB Donovan McNabb starting for Washington now.  But thanks to the big mouth of a fella named Albert Haynesworth, we should have something else to talk about.

Haynesworth takes a stand against slave treatment, and, evidently, diet cola.

The two-time All-Pro defensive tackle seems to have his nose out of joint a bit because he was recently told that the ‘Skins would be switching to a 3-4 defense and he would be moved to nose tackle.  During a tirade on radio 106.7 The Fan, the normally media-unfriendly giant spoke about his ‘need’ to take a stand.  He decided to forgo the normal off-season conditioning practices and skipped a mandatory minicamp.  Because of all of this, he was unable to pass necessary conditioning tests that would enable him to play.  This is after a $21 million bonus check cleared on April 1.  His argument?  That he is nobody’s slave.

The argument is supposed to carry weight with us because Haynesworth is black.  His knowledge of the general treatment of actual slaves seems to be a bit on the fuzzy side, because no slave I’ve ever heard of has a $100 million contract and diamonds the size of dinner plates on his earlobes.  “Just because somebody pay [sic] you money don’t [sic] mean they’ll make you do whatever they want or whatever,” he explained.  “I mean, does that mean everything is for sale?”  He went on to lament that, “I’m not for sale.  Yeah, I signed the contract and got paid a lot of money, but…that don’t [sic] mean I’m for sale or a slave or whatever.”  Well, I hate to tell you this, big guy, but yes, it does.  If a normal person who is not, say, 6’6” and 350lbs, signs a contract with Microsoft to do a specific task, that person is expected to deliver, or she is in violation of that contract.  If a copywriter signs a non-compete contract, agreeing not to write about companies in the same industry, then he not only negates the contract but risks financial repercussions as well.  It’s called a job.  And those people are probably not raking in dollar amounts well above the GNP of most countries.

But let’s all busy ourselves with talking about Michael Vick—who is doing his job, and doing it well.  That makes much more sense.

God help us all.

Yet another news day has come upon us and, as we optimistically look for something worth reading, we instead find that Americans are still expecting miracles, Iran is still run by a lunatic, and there is still no peace in the Middle East.  Those stories—newsworthy or not—are buried underneath layers of Ashton stepping out on Demi, Lindsay Lohan soing drugs, and Bristol Palin doing things that don’t make sense.  But it’s mostly Bristol.  Now that she seems to have put the whole ‘Levi Johnston engagement ring’ business behind her, she is branching out.  Now, following in the sensible shoe-prints of her mother, she has started her own Facebook page.  She told the Associated Press that she is doing this to step out of her comfort zone and begin talking about her “pro-life and pro-family” views.

Mostly, however, she has used her new page as a way to talk about her performances on Dancing with the Stars.  She must have made Mama Palin so proud when she first appeared on the show.  She wore a conservative suit and her hair in a bun, looking as much like her mom as possible.  Then, to the booming beats of the family classic “Mama Told Me Not to Come”, she threw off her Velcro-ed-on conservative garb to reveal a fire engine red, fringed minidress that clearly showed her commitment to conservative values.  She shimmied and shook those solid family values all over the stage.  After agreeing to appear on the show, the 19 year-old vowed to be covered up in a respectable way in direct contrast to the usual dance apparel worn by contestants.  Of course, respectable means different things to different people.  She was definitely wearing more than she was when she got knocked up at 17, so that’s a step in the right direction.  The only logical way to convey her views on abstinence was to end her performance with dance partner Mark Ballas’s hand on her behind.  Whatever.  It got great media coverage, and we know how the Palin clan likes that.

Since Sarah Palin likes to meet all the guys who grab her daughter’s tush, young Bristol brought Mark Ballas to Alaska to meet the family.  How proud they must all have been to meet the next young man to help sully the Palin name.  He could be well on the way to fathering the next grandchild, after all.  The 24 year-old has been studying dance and music for most of his life, and Sarah must have been ecstatic to learn that he was in a musical group called 2B1G (2 boys, 1 girl).  He has all of the qualities that a Republican White House hopeful looks for in a son-in-law.  Palin tweeted her enthusiasm for her daughter’s first performance on DWTS, and plans to be in the audience in the future.  All the better to keep an eye on her daughter from there.

So you can check out Bristol Palin’s Facebook page to see all the photos of her with Mark caressing her butt, and to read her self-written pro-life, family values rhetoric.

Any guesses as to which will make more become fans of her page?

For starters, Katy Perry was an odd choice as a celebrity guest on the wholesome children’s program Sesame Street.  She is known for her revealing, strange style of dress and has graced more worst-dressed lists than Paris Hilton.  Anything attention-getting is right up her alley, including her often-blue hair.  Although she filmed an episode of Sesame Street looking more wholesome than she ever has, enough parents complained to PBS that her dress was too revealing and her appearance on the show was pulled.  Perhaps her history of odd behavior played into the decision.  She is, after all, the woman who ecstatically accepted an engagement ring from the oddly-shorn, unclean-looking Russell Brand.  The couple took to Twitter to express their reactions.  Perry tweeted that it, “looks like my play date with Elmo has been cut short” and urged fans to view the skit on her website.  Brand reacted by tweeting, “Today’s Sesame Street will NOT be brought to you by the number 34 or the letter D”.  Classy.

Katy Perry: In case you haven't seen them yet.

The have been other sex-kitten types on the show, with appearances by Cher, Beyonce, Kim Cattrall, and even Jessica Alba to describe the word “scrumptious”.  Parents didn’t ask PBS to pull those appearances.  There have also been skits from actors and musicians who are no strangers to controversy.  Sopranos actor James Gandolfini, rapper Ice-T, and marijuana aficionado Cheech Marin have been on the show, although Chris Brown’s appearance was cancelled after his girlfriend-beating incident.  Sesame Street has not shied away from featuring openly gay actors, with skits including Neil Patrick Harris subtly acting as the “Fairy Shoe Person” and Nathan Lane performing in all his glory.  The show has had as many stars as Saturday Night Live, including athletes, musicians, actors, politicians, models, and activists.  No public outcry has matched this one.  It is because Sesame Street is getting racy, because parents are getting more conservative, or because YouTube made footage viewable in time for people to object?  Three guesses, and the first two don’t count.

But it seems that Katy Perry’s reputation preceded her, and parents weren’t having it.  Executive Producer Carol-Lynne Parente defended their decision to have Perry on the show and felt that the skit was far from too racy for young viewers, but revealed that the show relented when so many adults objected to the YouTube-leaked portion.  She cited the importance of Sesame Street’s relationship to its viewers and the opinions of parents.  Although the controversy may seem silly, any show that relies on public donations needs to tread lightly.  There might have been uproars over previous celebrities appearing on the show, but since many of them were prior to the “YouTube” age, any criticism would have come only after the shows aired.  Who knows if Cheech’s episode was aired more than once?

So Katy Perry’s D-cups will never air on Sesame Street. It’s okay.  You can view them clearly in every other picture of her ever taken.

It’s all about social media these days.  What began as a way to connect to people has turned into big business.  Now companies have pages on Facebook, MySpace, and a few other sites like Friendster that may or may not exist anymore.  Bands create pages to make their music even more accessible to the masses.  A person can get discounts on items if they become fans of particular Facebook pages.  We text instead of talking, we find mates on websites, and we buy things without leaving the house.  Because of “social media”, everything is popularized and made available online.  We can get updates from our favorite authors, musicians, and celebrities daily.  Do I expect to get a personal message from Chuck Liddell by becoming his Facebook friend?  Well, no.  But a person can buy everything from books to computers to diamonds and engagement rings—often at dramatically reduced prices—by becoming “friends” with companies.  Where MySpace has been eclipsed by Facebook, so is Facebook quickly playing second fiddle to Twitter.  But suddenly we find ourselves being virtually assaulted and given viruses via the internet.

Big Brother in 140 characters or less.

And it makes headlines, especially when a gaping hole in security is found by a 17 year-old Australian kid who just wanted to see if he could do it.  The precocious Pearce Delphin decided to send out a bit of JavaScript code that would cause a pop-up ad to appear when someone moused over it.  “I did it merely to see if it could be done,” he told AFP via email (of course), “that JavaScript really could be executed within a tweet”.  Well, not only did it work, but hackers found it brilliant and used it to send millions of people to various websites, including Japanese porn sites.  It also was used to create something called “worm tweets” that replicated every time they were read.  Twitter was suddenly overwhelmed with random redirection and endless tweets from other accounts.  The glitch wasn’t only used for pranks and porn.  More malicious hackers were able to create code that allowed them access to Twitter users’ personal information.

And suddenly we all feel a little more vulnerable, afraid that everything from our real birth years to credit card and banking information is being accessed by cyber-creeps.  And those of us who still rock it old-school and prefer talking on the phone to texting are still left exposed to attack because we wanted to be among the first to know when Soundgarden released their tour dates.

The one thing that kept us mildly protected was Twitter’s allowed tweet length.  According to the mischievous teenager, “The problem was being able to write the code that can steal usernames and passwords while still remaining under Twitter’s 140-character tweet limit”.  Given enough time, hackers could certainly figure it out.  Twitter, however, jumped on the problem and had the bug fixed within five hours, but not before even White House press secretary Robert Gibbs found his account bombarded with unwanted code.  While Delphin didn’t do anything that is technically (pun intended) illegal, he did prove that no system is foolproof.

It certainly isn’t causing very many people to panic and close their accounts to Twitter, Facebook, or any other of our favorite social media, but it does kinda make you think, no?

I’m going to call my mom.  On the phone.  Using a landline.  But while we’re talking, I’ll be checking to see what my friends overseas are up to without leaving the comfort of my own home.  I, like everyone else, can’t go back to what life was like before AOL got me hooked.

Of course there’s nothing quite like a celebrity wedding.  Other celebrities attend, there’s lots of media coverage, the engagement rings make every magazine and website to showcase their sheer hugeness, and so on.  And, let’s be honest, there are more televised weddings than ever before.  Understandable when it was Prince Charles and Princess Di; it was significant, and it was on news channels.  But now everyone’s gotta go and make a reality show out of their weddings.  Why?  None of the people whose weddings people will tune in to watch need the money.  When Bethenny Frankel signed on for Bethenny’s Getting Married, Tori Spelling had hers, and now, tragically, Carmelo Anthony and La La Vasquez have premiered their show La La’s Full Court Wedding.  Evidently, the more-than $14.4 million dollars Anthony will earn this year doesn’t cover the expense of a fantasy wedding.  Or, perhaps, La La was a bit bummed that her star has been steadily fading since she stopped being an MTV VJ.

The happy couple, ready for their close-up.

But oh, Carmelo, why could you not just be content with the fame you have reached by being an outstanding small forward?  Were you just playing along so your new bride could show the world how important she still is?  In interviews, it is La La who does most of the talking, telling us about hanging out with Ciara, Kelly Rowland, and Tyrese Gibson prior to the wedding.  She goes on to explain that we should celebrate the already 7-year relationship that the couple has shared, and the 3 year-old son that took part in the nuptials.  She laments the difficulty in planning such a large-scale affair, although she had—as all people with money to burn do—a full-time wedding planner.

And then the reason for the show becomes quite a bit clearer.  It seems that Vasquez is trying to jump start an acting career.  She is already co-starring in The Gun with 50 Cent and Val Kilmer, and is producing a few reality shows with Russell Simmons.  But she’s got her eye on some new fame of her own.  After all, most people watch Lakers games to see what actors and musicians are in the crowd.  Should the Denver Nuggets not have the same privilege?

Not only did the normal celebrity-related media cover the wedding, but ESPN also had some representatives.  After all, there were a number of famous athletes there, like LeBron James, Lamar Odom, Amare Stoudemire, and, of course, Kim Kardashian.

Lady Gaga has a new album coming out entitled “Born This Way”.  We can pretty much guess what the content will be like, with heavy dance beats and interesting lyrics, but the singer has nonetheless told the media that it will “[tick] people off”.  Really, Ms. Meat Dress?  Are we to be surprised that you may have recorded some things that some people might think is not quite mainstream?  Truthfully, she has said that it is not the subject matter that will upset people, but rather the hit-after-hit nature of her work.  “My fans have related to me as a human being and as a non-human being—as the superhuman person that I truly am”.  Modesty is not an emotion that her ladyship is feeling at this time.  She has, in fact, earned her ego, winning award after award and fearlessly standing up for causes that are close to her heart, with gay rights at the forefront of those beliefs.

Afraid of controversy? Not so much.

Lady Gaga was first embraced by the gay community for her dance tracks and love for all people, regardless of their sexual orientation.  Then, as her popularity increased and her songs were played on Top 40 stations around the world, she found herself receiving accolades for more than her politics and ability to find producers who can lay down hot beats.  “Bad Romance” and “Poker Face” were international hits.  And despite her taste for bizarre fashion and generally unacceptable behavior, even naysayers couldn’t deny that the girls got pipes.  If the words didn’t get you, her voice did.  The crazy chick has talent.  This became obvious when established artists clamored to work with her.  When she recorded “Telephone” with Beyonce, creating a music video that many outlets wouldn’t play because of violent content, the pair still reached the top of the charts.  When the R&B powerhouse turned 29 on September 4, Gaga sent her a gift of a leather whip studded with diamonds.  Apparently, upon receiving her birthday present, Beyonce “squealed” because she was so pleased.

The new album promises more number one singles, including the title track.  “Born This Way” is not only about Lady Gaga’s own peculiar lifestyle, but is also a dedication to the gay, lesbian, and trans-gendered community.  “I knew I had an ability to change the world,” she told RWD magazine, “when I started to receive letters from fans: ‘You changed my life’, ‘I’m gay and my parents threw me out’”.  These are people who have found solace in the unflagging support of the singer.  At this year’s VMAs, Gaga showed up with three guests, all former military personnel who were either kicked out of the service or leaving willingly for refusing to comply with the antiquated “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy that has been in place since 1993.  The mandate is currently under review, and we can be sure that Lady Gaga will continue to speak out against any kind of regulations that prevent openly-gay Americans from serving in the Armed Forces.  “Born This Way” is a musical affirmation of her belief.

As for her gigantic ego, she has said, “Everyone tells me I’m arrogant, but music is the only thing I’ve got, so you’ll have to let me be confident about one thing”.  She appears to confident about a few other things, as well, showing up at a Major League Baseball game in little more than underwear, ripped stockings and a baseball jersey.  The New York Yankees were not amused, particularly when she was shown on the jumbotron giving the “one-finger salute”.  She routinely performs wearing very little clothing, and she really does have the body for it, but still.  And the culmination of her body confidence showed itself again when she accepted a Video Music Award wearing a minidress made entirely of beef. She was standing next to Cher, who donned the fishnet-and-electrical-tape outfit from the late-80s video for “If I Could Turn Back Time”, and she still managed to be the one grabbing headlines.  The original scantily clad gay icon stood next to Gaga and managed to look modest in comparison.  It’s difficult to compete with a woman who finds fashion at a butcher shop.  While PETA was not amused, the rest of the world was.

Bring it on, PETA.  You’re just adding fuel to the fire, and all that will accomplish will be a headlining singer wearing a medium-well dress to next year’s awards.

Irritated into submission after the last few months, Reggie Bush decided to give back his Heisman Trophy.  Evidently, the NCAA decided that 5 years later is as good a time as any to punish a guy who worked his tail off to become one of the greatest running backs that USC ever had.  And, of course, any 20 year-old kid should know better than to accept money to buy his loving family a beautiful home, right?  Certainly, most boys that age would be wary of anyone offering cash, since every athlete has a full working knowledge of NCAA guidelines that may or may not affect them in the future.  Right?  Would it not make more sense to simply punish USC and the sports agent who admitted to giving almost $300,000 in gifts to Bush?  Well, they did that, but not before the agent, Lloyd Lake, decided to sue the now-millionaire for repayment while agreeing to cooperate with NCAA in a frantic effort to save his own tail.

"Okay, now can we talk about, you know, football?"

In July, incoming USC president Max Nikias said that all murals and jerseys the school has been displaying in Bush’s honor would be taken down, and that the school would also return their copy of the trophy as well.  Although Bush has not specifically admitted to any wrongdoing, he agreed to return the trophy so he can get on with his career, saying that, “The persistent media speculation regarding allegations dating back to my years at USC has been both painful and distracting”.  He also stated that he would spend the rest of his career proving that he was, despite everything, worthy of the award that was granted to him in a landslide vote over Vince Young.  Young even posted on Twitter that, “Reg will continue to be the 2005 award recipient and I will continue to be honored to have been on the 2005 Heisman campaign with such a talented athlete”.   The question has never been about Reggie Bush’s talent or whether or not he deserved the Heisman that year.  It is about compliance with NCAA rules.  It’s a dangerous can of worms to open, however, since college athletes have had lavish gifts handed to them for as long as there has been competition to keep them playing and happy.  1972 winner Johnny Rodgers noted that OJ Simpson got to keep his trophy.  But, since the NCAA does not specifically say that murder is against their policies, they never threatened to sanction him or the school for which he played.

Reggie Bush would probably gladly go back to the time when the media focused on him because he was expected to give Kim Kardashian an engagement ring, which she would not have to return under any circumstances.  Eventually, maybe he will get some press for being one of the greatest running backs the New Orleans Saints have ever had.  It would be nice to see him getting attention for something good and, yes, newsworthy.

This all comes in the same year that Congress is using a similar time machine to go after former Major League pitcher Roger Clemens, who they are claiming lied in congressional hearing regarding use of performance-enhancing drugs.  Will Clemens have to return any of his five Cy Young awards?  Congress, like the NCAA, should try to stay in the present and deal with things that are happening now.

Like that will ever happen.

The Pope is going out on the road again, and has scheduled to preside over masses in various parts of the UK, including Birmingham, London, and Glasgow.  Entrance to the mass is free, of course, but a £5- 25 “donation” is recommended, and admittance will not be given without the suggested monetary contribution.  Despite the relatively small offering to cover costs of travel and accommodations, it seems that the Pope is simply not selling out the way he used to.  Spokespeople for the Vatican have said that “administrative problems” have been the cause of lowered expected attendance, but others have suggested that it is the scandals that have plagued the Church that are creating the less-than-stellar response.  Perhaps if His Holiness added a little extra bling to his already-giant gold cross, adding a chain of diamonds or an iced-out watch to complement the traditional Papal ring, he could draw a more enthusiastic, younger crowd.

Bringing His Holiness into Popular Culture.

Short of that, when Pope Benedict XVI announced his plans to tour, a musical group called Ooberfuse recorded a track in his honor.  The British band wrote the song “Heart’s Cry” in his honor, sampling from a few of his speeches and stating, “No rest ‘till all creation knows Thy sway”.  While their motivation seems to come from a place of faith, they have also created a music video to promote the single, which is available now on iTunes for a mere £1.99.  The peace-promoting video includes footage of His Holiness saying that, “Hatred will never reign in the hearts of men again”.   Who knows where hatred reigns in the hearts of women, once might ask.  Nonetheless, Bishops of the Organising Committee have designated the song as the official “youth anthem of the Papal visit”.  Hal, one of the three members of Ooberfuse, has told the press that, “I think this is the first time in history a reigning Pontiff has embraced the forms of popular culture to advance the Christian message of love and hope”.

This is almost true, although in February of this year the Vatican newspaper released a list of the Holy See’s Top 10 Rock and Pop Albums of all time.  Making the cut at that time were The Beatles, Pink Floyd, Oasis, U2, and Michael Jackson, among others.  It seems, in light of certain heavily-spotlighted events, that the Pontifex Maximus would have wanted to distance himself and his church as far away from Michael Jackson as possible, but, evidently, the papacy has a soft spot for rocking out to songs from the “Thriller” LP.

This trip to the UK will feature an all-new, high-tech Popemobile for His Holiness to ride around in during his visit.  The modified Mercedes-Benz M-Class “green petrol” SUV has been built with a special, bulletproof enclosure into which the Pontiff can be raised while touring.  Should the Father Confessor decide he wants to see what this latest Popemobile can do, he will find that it is designed to reach up to 160mph.  That baby is as suited for the Autobahn as it is to cruise at an expected 10mph as the Pope travels to his appearances.  One can hope that the tepid response to his visit is due to the aforementioned administrative problems, or, perhaps, the down economy.  Maybe the hip hop single and pimped-out ride can help to offset what is looking to be a disappointing trip.

If not, the “youth anthem” is still climbing the charts, and, clearly, someone up there is watching out for the kids of Ooberfuse, who are making some serious bank while they spread their message.

Yes, Lady Gaga accepted her award for Video of the Year wearing an outfit made entirely of meat.  The Jersey Shore kids, despite Snooki’s understated blowout, shaved designs into their hair and piled on as many diamonds as their abdominal muscles could support.  Cher resurrected, and rocked, an outfit from the 80s.  Katy Perry wore an outfit reminiscent of Lil Kim’s 1999 purple pasty disaster with just slightly more coverage.  But the moment everyone was waiting for was Taylor Swift’s response to Kanye West’s interruption of her award last year.  Second only to that was Kanye West’s new song, which we expected to be an apology of some sort.  Since Swift has been known to write songs in which she skewers ex-boyfriends, her performance this year was expected to embarrass West.  That was the result, but not because of Taylor Swift.  It was because, despite anything that happens in the world, Kanye West can’t help but be himself, and that means showcasing what a giant jackass he is.

The moment that launched a thousand memes.

The beginning of Swift’s performance was expected: a video montage of West’s Hennessey-fueled interruption of her teary acceptance speech last year.  But then the lights went down, and she began seated, strumming a guitar and singing a very sweet song.  How disappointing for the blogosphere that she took the high road.  Wearing an understated, painfully light pink dress and no shoes, she addressed the whole scandal by singing, “32 and still growing up now/Who you are is not what you did/You’re still an innocent”.  She sang a song of forgiveness, and everyone, no matter how much they applauded or even wept, was a little bummed out that she didn’t compose lyrics that were tastefully mean.  Now her squeaky-clean image squeaks all the louder.  That doesn’t make for great headlines.

But then, eventually, Kanye West took the stage.  While his set was uncharacteristically modest, he wore a fire engine-red suit and countless gold chains.  His song “Runaway” was as close as he gets to an apology, but it really wasn’t one.  It was, in that special Kanye way, all about him.  His lyrics were just slightly less than sweet, saying, “I always find something wrong/You’ve been puttin’ up wit’ my **** just way too long/I’m so gifted at findin’ what I don’t like most”.  In Kanye World, that is self-deprecating.  He then goes on to rap, “Let’s have a toast for the douchebags/Let’s have a toast for the a**holes/Let’s have a toast for the scumbags/Every one of them that I know…Run away as fast as you can”.  It’s his universe, and he is who he is, so everyone who can’t take it should run away.  His song did ring true in one way, when he said, “I’m young, rich, and tasteless”.  But he didn’t indicate that he is sorry for staying in the company of dirtbags and people who feed his supersized ego.  He just advised nice girls to stay away from him.

Awww….Pity Party for Kanye!

Or not.  Apparently, when West got word that Swift would be singing a song about him, he pushed to meet with her before the VMAs started.  The two met in her dressing room and “talked things out”.  What Kanye West will never understand is that he can’t go toe-to-toe with someone like Taylor Swift.  She will always be the sweet, beautiful, ethereal treasure and he will always be, well, Kanye West.  Whether Swift meant this to be the best possible public relations move to secure her place as America’s Sweetheart, we may never know.  But by writing a kind, tender song about forgiveness and change, she made Kanye look even nastier than before.  Red might not have been the best color choice for someone going up against someone perceived as an angel.

Well played, Taylor Swift.  Well played.