Osama Love You Long Time
It seems like so long ago that we were all constantly reminded that if we didn’t go on with our lives normally, then the terrorists win. We certainly didn’t want that. Dutifully, we, as Americans, set about our lives in a post-9/11 world. The government would take care of the rest, right?
Well, kinda. In their own way. In 2003, having failed to find the over-the-top Saddam Hussein and a 6’5” terrorist in a turban (still at large), the CIA offered some more, um, unconventional methods of turning the people against their leaders: make them into porn stars! This was clearly a tactic destined for success, because everyone knows that you can safely say that all Muslims don’t like porn, and especially gay porn. Or is that Republican gubernatorial candidates?
America, ****, yeah!!
It is no coincidence that the very same year that the CIA was planning their invasion, Paris Hilton became instantly famous with the release of her sex tape. Clearly, the CIA was checking TMZ to monitor the pulse of society. If a socialite could parlay a tape of her nekkidness into fame, fortune, her own fragrances, and about 20 different engagement rings, then surely the US government could use the same means to flush out a couple of bad men from countries where nekkidness is not tolerated.
So they first planned to create a video in which the Iraqi dictator was having relations with a teenage boy. According to one of the officials on the project, “It would look like it was taken by a hidden camera, very grainy, like it was a secret videotaping of a sex session.” It was to be staged using actors. Whether or not those actors would come from rentboy.com is still classified. They planned to flood Iraq with the videos, but abandoned the project when someone pointed out that nobody would care. “We always mistake our own taboos as universal,” the former official added. In many parts of the Middle East, bathhouses are still very much a part of the culture, men walk around holding hands, and a couple of male humans without their clothes on just wouldn’t create much of a stir.
As for the guy who has become the ultimate boogeyman, Osama bin Laden, they had something else in store for him. They actually had time to make a video showing the gaunt guerilla sitting around with the guys, chugging whiskey and sharing their various conquests with members of the same sex. Evidently, rather than hire actors, the CIA chose to just use “some of us darker-skinned employees”, according a former officer.
Ultimately, it was not the quality or expected efficacy that brought “Operation: Adults-Only Al-Qaeda” (or whatever they called it) to a grinding halt. It was lack of funding. The coffers of the covert action fund were empty, and the government seemed somehow reluctant to fill them for this purpose. Maybe the CIA should check with bin Laden’s ex-girlfriends, or even Vivid Entertainment. They might have the real deal, just lying around, waiting for the world to see.
Was the CIA copying South Park? And if so, would Trey Parker and Matt Stone have been able to sue?