Diamonds, Engagement Rings & Diamond Jewelry in popular culture

Willie Nelson has been known for several things over the year.  In order of memorability, they are: smoking weed, having super-long hair in braids, smoking weed, singing, and smoking weed.  Recently, he sent shockwaves through the community by ridding himself of one of his trademarks.  And he still smokes weed.  Willie Nelson did what his fans find unthinkable, while the rest of us wonder what took him so long.  Dude cut his hair. 

And the blogosphere was set aflame with the news.

"Hold on, wait. I agreed to do WHAT?"

“Oh, noooooo!” (that’s 6 “o”s)wrote one of his fans after seeing a picture of the famed country singer/actor/pot-smoker.  His waist-length reddish-gray pigtails are no more.  Did he donate them to Locks of Love?  Has he sold them to an underworld Russian syndicate in the hair weave business?  Is he using them to mop up the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico?  That’s between Willie and his barber.  We may never know.  The 77 year-old is now sporting a girlish bob.  It actually does make him look a bit younger.  As for why he finally chose to lose the hair that hasn’t been in style since…ever, really, his camp is keeping that under their hats, so to speak.  It has been speculated that perhaps the maintenance was an issue.  It had to take a long time to shampoo those gingey locks, if he ever got the urge to do so.  Also, he has been kicking back and relaxing a bit in Hawaii, where it’s warm.  Maybe all that hair was just too steamy.  Or maybe he got tired of catching those boundless braids in doors. 

Or maybe he woke up, peered at himself through a faint green haze, and asked his current wife, “Hey, what year is this?”

In other hair news, it seems that Minnesota Vikings defensive end Jared Allen has cut his 80s-style mullet.  But this wasn’t about a personal choice.  Dude loved his Kentucky Waterfall.  But a woman named Jordan Parrish accepted an engagement ring from him, and, this weekend, he is to marry her.  She is, apparently, not a fan of the Hockey Hair, and he is now the freshly-shorn best pass rusher in the NFL.  Although he just a few months ago posted a video touting the coolness of his Ape Drape, he, like Samson, cut his hair. 

It was a truly biblical moment, for Allen to shed his “Business in the Front, Party in the Back” coif.  But he assures us that, although he has lost the mullet, he maintains his “mullitude”.  He plans to grow it back, apparently after his new in-laws have left town.  He asserts that it’s more than a hair style.  It’s a lifestyle, and one he has no intention of leaving behind.  Not many people are likely to argue with the 6’6”, 270-pound mountain of a man, although the mullet has been reviled since it went out of style once the 90s hit.  Jared Allen is no slave to fashion.  He likes his beer cold and his neck warm. 

This is news.  Really.

It seems like so long ago that we were all constantly reminded that if we didn’t go on with our lives normally, then the terrorists win.  We certainly didn’t want that.  Dutifully, we, as Americans, set about our lives in a post-9/11 world.  The government would take care of the rest, right? 

Well, kinda.  In their own way.  In 2003, having failed to find the over-the-top Saddam Hussein and a 6’5” terrorist in a turban (still at large), the CIA offered some more, um, unconventional methods of turning the people against their leaders: make them into porn stars!  This was clearly a tactic destined for success, because everyone knows that you can safely say that all Muslims don’t like porn, and especially gay porn.  Or is that Republican gubernatorial candidates?

America, ****, yeah!!

It is no coincidence that the very same year that the CIA was planning their invasion, Paris Hilton became instantly famous with the release of her sex tape.  Clearly, the CIA was checking TMZ to monitor the pulse of society.  If a socialite could parlay a tape of her nekkidness into fame, fortune, her own fragrances, and about 20 different engagement rings, then surely the US government could use the same means to flush out a couple of bad men from countries where nekkidness is not tolerated.

So they first planned to create a video in which the Iraqi dictator was having relations with a teenage boy.  According to one of the officials on the project, “It would look like it was taken by a hidden camera, very grainy, like it was a secret videotaping of a sex session.”  It was to be staged using actors.  Whether or not those actors would come from rentboy.com is still classified.  They planned to flood Iraq with the videos, but abandoned the project when someone pointed out that nobody would care.  “We always mistake our own taboos as universal,” the former official added.  In many parts of the Middle East, bathhouses are still very much a part of the culture, men walk around holding hands, and a couple of male humans without their clothes on just wouldn’t create much of a stir.

As for the guy who has become the ultimate boogeyman, Osama bin Laden, they had something else in store for him.  They actually had time to make a video showing the gaunt guerilla sitting around with the guys, chugging whiskey and sharing their various conquests with members of the same sex.  Evidently, rather than hire actors, the CIA chose to just use “some of us darker-skinned employees”, according a former officer. 

Ultimately, it was not the quality or expected efficacy that brought “Operation: Adults-Only Al-Qaeda” (or whatever they called it) to a grinding halt.  It was lack of funding.  The coffers of the covert action fund were empty, and the government seemed somehow reluctant to fill them for this purpose.  Maybe the CIA should check with bin Laden’s ex-girlfriends, or even Vivid Entertainment.  They might have the real deal, just lying around, waiting for the world to see.

Was the CIA copying South Park?  And if so, would Trey Parker and Matt Stone have been able to sue?

Poor, poor Jesse James.  That forlorn man who forces a sad smile to his face as he admits to being “the most hated man in the world”.  We know that you are heartbroken, having lost your wife, your children, and the respect of your peers.  What can we, as a community, do to comfort you in your time of need?  Is there anything that can possibly be done to ease your aching heart?

Call one of your girlfriends, jackass.

Speaking as though his heart positively aches, he claims that he “wanted to get caught”.  He is self-destructive.  We need to feel bad for him.  He wanted his infidelities, in all their grossness, to become public because it sickened him to lie to her.

So why didn’t you just not do it?

Shut up. Can someone get the remote?

We all wanted this unlikely pairing to work out.  Sandra Bullock, sweet, funny, charming, and full of love with the ultimate bad boy.  Good girls everywhere who failed in their own attempts to turn bad boys into good men were rooting for them.  We wanted to see the tattooed, oddly-facial-haired, once-married-to-a-porn-star but still somehow-sexy engine jockey be the man of Sandy’s dreams.  And he did.  He dutifully stood by her side and never seemed to resent being in her shadow on the red carpet.  He promised to always protect her.  He bought her a vintage Neil Lane engagement ring.  When they married in their quirky ceremony, he wore a wedding band that she made herself in his shop.

The same shop where he would use his computer to pick up chicks.  The same shop that they came to for the explicit purpose of doing disgusting things while his wife was away shooting movies.

He is overcome with sorrow.  He almost can’t bear to talk about.  Almost.  He went away to sex rehab and, since his triumphant return, has been sure to be photographed with his kids a lot. 

She’s not taking you back.

But he nonetheless is thought to be looking at homes near Austin, Texas, a place that Bullock considers a second home.  Now he’s going on television to tell everyone how much he still loves his soon-to-be ex-wife.  We are reminded how he cried when his then-wife won an Oscar—an Oscar—because he was so proud.

No, dude felt the axe coming down.  One of his girlfriends was clearly a fan of the spotlight and would do anything for attention.  “Bombshell” was just waiting for this moment, when all the stars were aligned in her favor and the spotlight was right on the man she was having affair with while his wife was off filming the movie that won her the Academy Award.  It was the perfect time to get the maximum amount of attention.  She went from obscurity to notoriety in about 2 seconds.

But he’s so, so sorry.

Whatever, dude.  Is there anything else on?

Now that Nadya Suleman’s famous herd of children has turned one year-old, the once-sought-after mother of 14 is finding herself, well, less sought after.  Since she turned down Vivid Entertainment’s offer to pay her mortgage if she starred in a porno film for them, the job offers have not been coming in.  Not even Hugh Hefner wanted to photograph her personal parkway.    Since getting a real job is positively out of the question and the men aren’t exactly lining up, throwing engagement rings at her and begging to be “Mr. OctoMom”, it seemed that Suleman would have to sell her soul to the devil to get her mortgage current.

The Price of Dignity.

And that’s pretty much what she did.  Currently at risk of losing her La Habra, California home, she made a deal with PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals).  The deal for the ad has been in the works for a few months, but it is only just now that Suleman revealed the poster that will grace the front lawn of her home, one that urges pet owners, “Don’t let your dog or cat become an ‘octomom’.  Always spay or neuter.”  For that, she gets five grand and a month’s supply of veggie burgers. 

That’s the price she has put her remaining dignity. 

Evidently, PETA came up with the idea, knowing that Suleman’s back was against a wall, but wrote a compelling letter to her in which they noted that, “When you gave birth to octuplets to bring your total number of children to 14, you grabbed headlines and got the world talking about your controversial decision…Every year, 6 to 8 million animals are turned over to animal shelters, and roughly half of them are euthanized because of the lack of good homes.”  Either Suleman didn’t or couldn’t read the subtext of the offer. 

All most people see when they look at Nadya Suleman is a completely irresponsible woman who chose to give birth to 8 babies by in vitro fertilization, even when she couldn’t afford the first 6, also conceived that way.  Small wonder the State of California is in financial crisis.  They’ve been keeping one Orange County welfare mother knee-deep in Huggies while spending a mint to keep Mexicans who are willing to work out of the country. 

Would it be such a bad thing to send Nadya Suleman and her gaggle of kids to Mexico in exchange for some folks who aren’t afraid of an honest day’s labor? 

PETA has been in the news lately for a few other reasons as well.  First, they took a shot at R&B singer Kelis, who openly wears fur.  Her response was swift and direct, and PETA was not amused.  I don’t know how she managed to stay off of the animal rights group’s radar for so long, considering her biggest hit was called “Milkshake”, and she made no mention of soy or rice in the lyrics.  Now the adamantly-vegan group is trying to lease the Dyersville, Iowa field from the Kevin Costner baseball movie Field of Dreams.  They want to use the land the build a temporary display detailing the treatment of pigs by Iowa farmers.  It will be called “Field of Nightmares: Pig Empathy Display”.

I expect that will go over really well in a state that relies on beef cattle and porky pigs for its survival.  Field owners Don and Becky Lansing will probably agree to the lease about the same time that Nadya Suleman first says “Would you like fries with that?”