Heidi and Spencer Continue to Waste Oxygen
The most irritating couple on earth is feeling the earth crack beneath them. They’re kinda used to that, though. Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt, who managed to make reality TV even more of a train wreck, are having a little bit of trouble in their highly disturbing relationship. A few weeks ago, it came out that Heidi was dumping Spencer as her manager. This is big news, first of all because of the bizarre control he has over Heidi’s tiny little mind, and second, because of what a great job he was doing! Did you see her performance at the Miss Universe Pageant? He also got her the tasty gig they got to share for about 5 minutes on I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here. Evidently, all of the silicone, collagen, and Botox has gone to her brain, because now, only one year after getting a suitably large diamond engagement ring and matching wedding ring from Spencer, she has thrown him under the bus in favor of the firm guidance of a psychic. How very Life and Death of Peter Sellers.
Heidi acting, and inhaling more oxygen that could be put to better use.
Under the wise tutelage of Aiden Chase, Heidi has gotten herself a cameo role in an Adam Sandler/Jennifer Aniston film. Upon showing up late to a cast photo shoot for The Hills—the show that made her more than just some random big-chinned, flat-chested girl from Colorado—she had in tow several bodyguards, insisting, “I’m a movie star now!” If I were a betting person, I would imagine that, since she appears as herself in an Adam Sandler movie, she is probably the punchline of a larger joke. But she’s also honing her screenwriting skills, having crafted a script herself in which she would, of course, star. She is to play a lifeguard who saves a town from a shark attack by using her “3-D boobs”. She said it, I didn’t.
After rumors flew that Heidi was moving out of the home that she shares with Spencer, and he announced that he was leaving The Hills to pursue ‘more important’ matters, the couple received the necessary amount of attention and the truth began to slowly emerge. Heidi’s tearful admission to Lauren in the trailer for the final season of The Hills, when she says that she can’t believe she’s thinking of divorce only one year into her marriage, is another of her trademark staged events. When Spencer “discovered a new passions and new purpose to my life”—working for American Defense Enterprises’ cyber-security division—that was code for ‘I threatened the life of a producer on my reality TV show and was given a mandatory six-week anger management course’. He still tried to sound like the hero, of course, saying, “I’m saddened to take this break from filming MTV’s The Hills. At this time, however, I feel I would not be honoring my country or myself if I were to continue this endeavor when I have the opportunity and the ability to assist our nation against…prevalent threats”. He claims to have been inspired by Barack Obama’s speech in which he declared that “cyber threat is one of the most serious economic and national security challenged we face as a nation”. Considering Spencer’s behavior, one might say that he is a threat to the nation. He has certainly contributed to the ever-lowering intelligence of television viewers.
And it’s sorta funny how he gets so moved, so inspired, so motivated by a President that he wanted nothing to do with, as he and his estranged and strange wife openly campaigned for John McCain. But hey, you have to do something while you’ve been kicked off the set of the show that made people give a rat’s behind whether you live or die.
Guess which way the votes are leaning, Spencer.
Now the couple is standing strong together, and have even taken (you can’t make this stuff up) “true Native American names” to get closer to their spiritual sides. In case you’re curious, she’s White Wolf and he’s Running Bear. Running Bear gave up his previously adopted name, “King Spencer” because (again, not making this up) he felt “too much of a burden to have to carry the weight of royalty”.
There are no words to describe him that don’t contain 4-letter words.
Now that the “burden of royalty” is off and Heidi has once again proclaimed her love for her completely insane husband, he and Heidi are to be forever known “…as the name out Creator has given us—our true Native American names”.
That’ll look spiffy on the credits for this last season of The Hills, starring Lauren and Lo and Audrina and Justin Bobby and Brody and Kristen and…White Wolf and Running Bear as the clinically insane, totally delusional pair of freaks.