Diamonds, Engagement Rings & Diamond Jewelry in popular culture

The most irritating couple on earth is feeling the earth crack beneath them.  They’re kinda used to that, though.  Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt, who managed to make reality TV even more of a train wreck, are having a little bit of trouble in their highly disturbing relationship.  A few weeks ago, it came out that Heidi was dumping Spencer as her manager.  This is big news, first of all because of the bizarre control he has over Heidi’s tiny little mind, and second, because of what a great job he was doing!  Did you see her performance at the Miss Universe Pageant?  He also got her the tasty gig they got to share for about 5 minutes on I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here.  Evidently, all of the silicone, collagen, and Botox has gone to her brain, because now, only one year after getting a suitably large diamond engagement ring and matching wedding ring from Spencer, she has thrown him under the bus in favor of the firm guidance of a psychic.   How very Life and Death of Peter Sellers.

Heidi acting, and inhaling more oxygen that could be put to better use.

Under the wise tutelage of Aiden Chase, Heidi has gotten herself a cameo role in an Adam Sandler/Jennifer Aniston film.  Upon showing up late to a cast photo shoot for The Hills—the show that made her more than just some random big-chinned, flat-chested girl from Colorado—she had in tow several bodyguards, insisting, “I’m a movie star now!”  If I were a betting person, I would imagine that, since she appears as herself in an Adam Sandler movie, she is probably the punchline of a larger joke.  But she’s also honing her screenwriting skills, having crafted a script herself in which she would, of course, star.  She is to play a lifeguard who saves a town from a shark attack by using her “3-D boobs”.  She said it, I didn’t.

After rumors flew that Heidi was moving out of the home that she shares with Spencer, and he announced that he was leaving The Hills to pursue ‘more important’ matters, the couple received the necessary amount of attention and the truth began to slowly emerge.  Heidi’s tearful admission to Lauren in the trailer for the final season of The Hills, when she says that she can’t believe she’s thinking of divorce only one year into her marriage, is another of her trademark staged events.  When Spencer “discovered a new passions and new purpose to my life”—working for American Defense Enterprises’ cyber-security division—that was code for ‘I threatened the life of a producer on my reality TV show and was given a mandatory six-week anger management course’.  He still tried to sound like the hero, of course, saying, “I’m saddened to take this break from filming MTV’s The Hills.  At this time, however, I feel I would not be honoring my country or myself if I were to continue this endeavor when I have the opportunity and the ability to assist our nation against…prevalent threats”.  He claims to have been inspired by Barack Obama’s speech in which he declared that “cyber threat is one of the most serious economic and national security challenged we face as a nation”.  Considering Spencer’s behavior, one might say that he is a threat to the nation.  He has certainly contributed to the ever-lowering intelligence of television viewers.

And it’s sorta funny how he gets so moved, so inspired, so motivated by a President that he wanted nothing to do with, as he and his estranged and strange wife openly campaigned for John McCain.  But hey, you have to do something while you’ve been kicked off the set of the show that made people give a rat’s behind whether you live or die.

Guess which way the votes are leaning, Spencer.

Now the couple is standing strong together, and have even taken (you can’t make this stuff up) “true Native American names” to get closer to their spiritual sides.  In case you’re curious, she’s White Wolf and he’s Running Bear.  Running Bear gave up his previously adopted name, “King Spencer” because (again, not making this up) he felt “too much of a burden to have to carry the weight of royalty”.

There are no words to describe him that don’t contain 4-letter words.

Now that the “burden of royalty” is off and Heidi has once again proclaimed her love for her completely insane husband, he and Heidi are to be forever known “…as the name out Creator has given us—our true Native American names”. 

That’ll look spiffy on the credits for this last season of The Hills, starring Lauren and Lo and Audrina and Justin Bobby and Brody and Kristen and…White Wolf and Running Bear as the clinically insane, totally delusional pair of freaks.

There's only one word for why this woman can't keep a man: NEEDY

When Jennifer Love Hewitt first became famous in teen movies as the All-American Girl Next Door, everyone thought she was a babe.  First, she was the Party of Five young babe.  Then she grew into the I Know What You Did Last Summer babe.  It is some slight perversion men have with her angelic baby face on the body of a porn star.  And the girlish voice to match.  She’s 31 now and still sounds like she’s 9.  But from her first famous boyfriend (Blossom’s Joey Lawrence, famous for playing dumb guys convincingly) on, J Love was looking to get married. 

When she and Jamie Kennedy started dating, it took about five minutes before everyone was asking when the couple would get engaged.  This caused a bit of panic in Kennedy, who seems to revel in being single.  After he called her “pear ass” while they were on vacation together, the relationship was on the rocks, but J Love loves love and stuck with him.  She told the press that she didn’t want to get married right away, but that if she didn’t get an engagement ring after a year, there would be a problem.

Here we are, a year later.  And Jennifer Love Hewitt finds herself single again.  Rumors of her possessiveness started early.  She seemed to buy Tiffany eternity rings by the crate, giving them to each boyfriend along the way to mark her territory.   She gave one to boy-bander Rich Cronin in 1999, and then ended up dumping him over the phone when she found someone more marriage-minded.  This self-proclaimed “relationship girl” went through Carson Daly, Wilmer Valderrama, Craig Bierko, John Mayer, John Cusack and a few others before she found her soul mate in Ross McCall.  But then they broke up.  Ten minutes later, Kennedy was at the plate.

And after a year of the sweet-faced girl nagging him to death, the two declared an “amicable split”.  Working together on Ghost Whisperer should be a total blast for them now. 

The split came just in time for the publishing of Hewitt’s first book, entitled “The Day I Shot Cupid: My Name Is Jennifer Love Hewitt and I’m A Love-Aholic”.  How embarrassing.  But, after a sassy new haircut, she bravely went to her book signings and posed for the cameras.  Basically, it seems that her book is how she sees her dating history, and how it is unlike the stories from the media.  “My dating life has been written about really since I was 15,” she told the Associated Press.  “So this book is my way of saying, ‘No, this is who I am and this is what I’ve really thought about that, and these are the things that I’ve done that maybe you didn’t read about”. 

Sounds fascinating.

It shouldn’t be long before she has another man on her arm.  She’s great at finding them. 

And what’s sexier to a man than a woman who writes a book with the word “love-aholic” in the title?

Barack Obama tickled someone.  The President has admitted to the media that he has, indeed, tickled.  He did not say, “Tickling was done”, but admitted outright that he tickled, and that his victim was male, no less.  To top it off, this tickling resulted in the ticklee breaking his arm.  Tickling and violence?  The President?  So why isn’t Fox News jumping all over the President for this indiscretion when he just passed his Health Care Bill a day ago?  Where is the right-wing uproar over Barack Obama’s inability to control his urges to tickle others? 

President Obama utilizes a tickle-avoidance technique.

After all, when Congressman Eric Massa of New York (but born in Charleston, South Carolina—yet another feather in the cap of good ol’ SC) was accused of the same kind of conduct with several younger male staff members, it was all OVER the news.  Finally, a Democrat had committed sexual misconduct worthy of mockery.  And how did Massa respond?  By accusing White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel of confronting him for not supporting the President’s health care reform, and going so far as to poke the Congressman in the chest.  Emanuel was, by the way, naked at the time, with his little Chief of Staff in full view.  Of course, they were in a locker room.  And Emanuel had just finished showering.  But Massa had to try something to take the heat off of him and put it on “Au Naturel” Emanuel.  Nice try.

But back to Tickle Me Obama.  What was he thinking?  Is that the way the President of the United States should behave?

Absolutely not!

Of course, he was about 10 years-old at the time, and he and his friend were riding a bike together.  This was when Obama lived in Indonesia.  In an interview with Indonesian media, Putra Nababan of RCTI asked him if he remembered breaking someone’s arm.  Obama admitted that he did, in fact, do so, but that it was an accident.  Evidently, he tickled his friend from behind, and the bike fell, throwing both of the kids off.  The friend broke his arm, and Obama said that he was traumatized by the whole thing.  Nababan had already spoken to Obama’s old friend, and knew of the alleged tickling. 

“He said you tickled him,” Nababan told the President, armed with actual quotes from the victim.

Obama indicated his remorse, and asked that Nababan pass his apologies along.  “I felt so bad,” said the President.  “I remember feeling terrible.”

Having read the new health care legislation carefully, one has to wonder:

Where is the No-Tickling Law?  It is clearly proven that tickling directly results in injury to others. 

The President, however, has changed his ways.  Although he has not claimed to be a non-tickler, and has not undergone Tickling Avoidance Therapy, he is able to control his urges.  He now is able to focus his perverse behavior on one person: the woman he gave an engagement ring to in 1991, and is still married to after all this time.  Now only Michelle Obama is at risk of an Executive Tickle Assault. 

She is the luckiest woman alive.

Everyone is talking about Johnny Depp’s performance in Alice in Wonderland, as the movie is out now—in 3-D, no less—and he takes the role of Mad Hatter to a maniacal level.  Never mind that he looks alarmingly like his version of Willie Wonka, who looked alarmingly like Michael Jackson (the later years); he’s still Johnny Depp, and still doing a great job.  He’s clearly billed as the star of the film, but Helena Bonham Carter, who is always cast in Tim Burton movies (regardless of talent) because she’s married to him, pretty much steals the show as the Red Queen.  We’ll try to forgive her singing in Sweeney Todd after this performance.  But the Alice portrayed by Mia Wasikowska is what truly separates this version from the original.  This Alice, for starters, isn’t a young child.  She is, in fact, a young adult with a strong mind.

"I must have left my 'Girl Power' t-shirt at home, luv."

Leave it to Tim Burton to create a female character worth looking up to.  In the movie, Alice very publicly turns down an engagement ring from the son of her late father’s business partner, choosing instead to follow a white rabbit down into his hole, commencing on her own individual adventure.  Without a husband, even!  And she manages to fight the Jabberwocky and end the reign of the Red Queen—without a man!  Whether or not Tim Burton set out to create a feminist art piece, that’s what happened.  But it has the requisite amount of creepy-looking characters and borderline-disturbing cinematography to make it a signature Burton film.

And then there’s the new Pirates of the Caribbean coming out.  Having already cast Penelope Cruz as Captain Jack Sparrow’s love interest (and the daughter of his nemesis, Blackbeard), Disney released an unusual ad in its quest for other female characters.  According to the New York Post, the notice reads (in part): “Must have lean dancer body.  Must have real breasts.  Do not submit if you have implants.”

Do they expect anyone applying for extra work in Hollywood to fit these specifications?  I don’t think there are any actress-wanna-be types that haven’t had surgical enhancement of the chestal region.  According to the same article in post, Disney casting directors intend to ask actresses to run in place.  If there is breast movement, they pass the test.  Is this backlash from having Keira Knightley in the previous three films?  She is notoriously flat-chested.  Maybe Disney is keeping in that theme, although they are not keeping the actress.   Jack Sparrow would be horrified.  He likes big ones.

Neither Knightley nor the ever-irritating Orlando Bloom will appear in Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides.  Both actors have said that they feel their characters have “run their course”.  Odds are, with Depp pulling in an estimated $40 million to star in the 4th installment of the mega-franchise, producers simply didn’t want to pay anyone else big-star money for their roles.  Since Cruz’s character is somewhat less prominent, she won’t be pulling in a Knightley-sized salary.  The movie is slated for release in May 2011.

The fact is, they can cast pretty much anyone to do anything in the Pirates movies.  We go to see Johnny Depp as Captain Jack.  Everything else is just details.  Ian McShane will play Blackbeard, and Geoffrey Rush will return as Barbossa.  Blah Blah Blah Johnny Depp  Blah Blah Jack Sparrow.

It is doubtful Johnny Depp intended to be the spokesperson for female empowerment and non-silicone-enhanced actors.  He stumbles into these things.  That’s how he ends up on the cover of People magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive issue, like, every year.

Lady Gaga, the woman who made Alexander McQueen designs seem rational and wearable, is now defending the 10-minute saga that is her video for “Telephone”.  Evidently, certain groups have deemed it ‘raunchy’, and are claiming that it is not suitable for all audiences.  Since when has Lady Gaga been suitable for any audience?  This is a woman who goes out of her way to shock us every time she walks out the door, and it gets more and more difficult.  This time, she teams up with squeaky-clean singer Beyonce, who clearly felt that she hadn’t been getting enough attention lately.  What better way to get back in music news than teaming up with the walking freak show that is Gaga (and I mean “freak show” in the best possible way)? 

Lady Gaga Gets Kid-Friendly For Wonder Bread Meetings.

After announcing that her record “The Fame” went Diamond—indicating 10,000,000 albums sold—the Lady went out wearing an outfit from the video and a very attractive headpiece/mask in the shape of an enormous lobster.  A lobster covered in diamonds.  Really.  She teamed her ensemble with the world’s creepiest rubber chicken-foot bracelet thingy. 

Realizing that there was free money to be had there, her ex-boyfriend, Rob Fusari, decided to go for a bite of the Gaga pie by filing a $30.5 million lawsuit, claiming that he not only came up with her stage name (are you saying Lady Gaga isn’t it?) but also co-wrote the number one hits “Just Dance” and “Poker Face”, among others.  Gaga’s camp has called the allegations “ludicrous”.  She has always credited him with coming up with her new name, saying that she loved it so much that she never wanted to be called by her given name, Stefani, ever again.  But she will not give him credit for writing the inspired lyrics for “Just Dance” or any other songs.  And she certainly has no intention of cutting off a $30.5 million slice for her hungry ex.

But back to the video for “Telephone”.  It is bizarre on so many levels that it seems odd that conservative groups were able to pinpoint only a few specific “unacceptable” things.  They chose swearing, two women kissing each other, and pretending to kill people as the most offensive parts of the video.  Have these people never watched primetime television?  It was, certainly, a bit surprising to hear Beyonce use the f-bomb and pretend to poison Tyrese Gibson, navigating their way from behind the wheel of the well-known vehicle originally commandeered by Beatrix Kiddo from the offensive hospital orderly in Kill Bill Part One (if you don’t remember the name, you’ll have to look it up).

What was most disturbing about “Telephone” was not language or homosexuality or nearly-naked prison dancing.  It was product placement.  Prominent in a kitchen scene, very clearly shown, were Wonder Bread and Miracle Whip.  Ordinarily, companies pay for product placement.  Apple computers mastered the art.  Somehow, however, it is difficult to imagine the advertising people from these white-as-white-can-be companies calling Lady Gaga and asking to be featured in her next law-breaking, homoerotic, profanity-filled ten-minute dance video saga.

And if they DID call, she would have to respond with: “stop telephonin’ me-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh”.

Good girls who love bad boys celebrated when Sandra Bullock and Jesse James first hooked up.  And stayed around for more than a quick shower and complimentary breakfast.  The twice-before married James enjoyed a second marriage with porn star Janine Lindemulder, who was known by non-college-boys as the naughty nurse from a Blink-182 video.  But after Sandy met Jesse, sparks flew, and, despite not having any idea where those fingers had been, the actress was proud to slip a wedding ring on him in July 2005.  They were in love.  It was bliss.  She considered his tattoos ‘reading material’ when she couldn’t sleep.

You can dress him up, but you can't leave him alone for five minutes.

And now, we sadly learn (with absolutely no shock whatsoever) that, while Bullock was off shooting the Oscar-nominated The Blind Side, her husband was hooking up with (I kid you not) a tattoo model called Michelle “Bombshell” McGee.  Michelle claims that she was under the impression that the couple had split, because she would never hook up with a married guy.  Uh-huh.  She claims that they texted each other several times a day and met up at least twice a week during Bullock’s absence.

Sandy left the home she shares with James on Monday, and has decided not to attend the London premiere of The Blind Side.  She is, of course, distraught.  But can she be surprised?  Did she believe that this leopard could change his tattooed spots?  I suppose, after she read that McGee called him the “Vanilla Gorilla” (use your imagination), she knew that the model had truly gotten a tour of his, ahem, Monster Garage.  McGee also dropped the details that James prefers to ‘go commando’ and enjoys unprotected relations.

And good girls everywhere collectively wept.  How we want to believe that a bad boy can be a good husband.  We operate under the happy delusion that he only needs to find the right woman to settle down.  For the third time.

When James accompanied his wife to the Oscars, fashion commentators were saying that he “cleaned up well”, and he did, in fact, look ecstatically happy to be with his wife.  When she won the Oscar for Best Actress, she thanked him in her speech.  But, alas, so did Reese Witherspoon, Halle Berry, and Hilary Swank.  Their marriages all ended shortly thereafter.

The only person who is coming out on top, so to speak, is McGee, whose name is now known outside of the tattoo model enthusiast inner circle.  She was interviewed by In Touch magazine.  He name is in all the tabloids.  Sleeping with famous guys has a way of doing that.  Sleeping with the husband of an Oscar winner, well, that’s more priceless than a Monster Garage full of diamonds.

Maybe the allegations will prove false.  Maybe the “Vanilla Gorilla” didn’t really do it.  But it seems that the name of his show Jesse James Is A Dead Man has proven prophetic.

Don’t mess with the good girls.  We stick together.

It has been revealed over the past few days, after the tragic death of child star Corey Haim, that he had recently opened a whole new chapter in his life.  He was off all drugs that were not prescribed, had resurrected his acting career, and was thinking about settling down.  He did a great job playing himself in the two seasons of The Two Coreys—a reality show that had an Oscar Madison-esque Haim move in with the Felix Unger-esque Corey Feldman and his wife.  There were fights, there were tears, there was bonding.  Feldman had already semi-revived his career by going on VH1’s The Surreal Life, during the filming of which he exchanged wedding rings with his now ex-wife Susie.  It was a medieval-themed ceremony.  Very dignified, as all reality TV weddings are. 

But I digress.

Corey Haim's Shot at Sobriety

Having figured out how to get back into the public eye, he called on his friend and former constant co-star, Corey Haim, and, together, they starred in the A&E show The Two Coreys.  It worked.  Corey Haim got offered some movie jobs, although he was intermittently showing up under the influence of something.  Lately, however, it seemed that he finally got his act together, starring in a few straight-to-video movies, the low-budget horror film American Sunset, and a bound-to-go-straight-to-video film called Decisions.  In that film, it seemed that the acting chops that made him so famous in Lucas and The Lost Boys had somehow disappeared.  Maybe it was the script.  Who knows?  But the scenes that have been released are not good, to say the least.  Nonetheless, he was getting ready to direct and star in The Throwaways, a movie about homeless people who go missing.  He had another directing-acting-producing project ready as well.  He had roles lined up playing everything from a janitor to a chemical engineer.

But he was looking for love.  He had given an engagement ring to horror-film scream queen Tiffany Shepis in October of 2008—the fourth he had distributed in his young life—but, alas, they split up before their scheduled May 2009 wedding.  And the boy the every teenage girl had a crush on in the 80s was alone again.  Then, for some reason—perhaps as revenge for all of the times Haim had embarrassed him by being wasted—Corey Feldman introduced him to VH1’s reigning skank, Daisy de la Hoya, reject from Bret Michaels’ Rock of Love and star of her own Daisy of Love.  Daisy had also previously been linked to Dave Navarro and Tommy Lee.  She gets the big “C”…for Classy!

According to Daisy, “Corey Feldman had been saying to me for ages that I had to meet Corey Haim, he said we were totally kindred spirits and that we would really hit it off”.  I’m not sure which of the two should have been more insulted by that, but they met anyway.  They had, evidently, an “automatic connection”.  After Haim’s untimely death at age 38 over the weekend, Daisy was sure to express her sorrow as all normal people do: by tweeting it.  “I’m sooooooo devastated right now.  This is worst day ever I can’t believe this”.  That’s 7 ‘o’s.  She said that she would have liked “a happy ending”, having no doubt provided so many other men with just that.

The death of a young person is tragic.  The death of a young person taking drugs as they were prescribed is even more tragic.  Dating Daisy?  Well, that’s a whole new level.

Johnny Weir, after failing to achieve an Olympic medal in Vancouver, was slated to appear in the traveling fab-o-rama that is Stars on Ice.  Then, all of a sudden, a report was released stating that the sponsors of the show felt the figure skater lacks “family-friendly values”, and would not be participating.  As soon as GLAAD heard about, they freaked.  They told everyone.  Soon, Stars on Ice spokespeople were backpedaling like Ferris Bueller trying to get the mileage on Cameron’s father’s Porsche to go down, and with equal success.  They released a statement that sexual orientation was not an issue, and they simply didn’t have room for him.

"Lady Gaga, call on line 1! Lady Gaga, line 1!"

Considering he’s the only thing—aside from the near-pornographic brother/sister team from wherever—that we remember about Olympic figure skating this year, it would seem that the financially intelligent thing to do would be to get that adorable little fairy on board.  Instead, they have decided to go with the unbridled machismo that is Evan Lysacek.  And some guy named Jeremy Abbott.

Who cares?  The only true showman this year was Weir, medal or no.  At least we remember when he took the ice.  The only reason we have any recollection of Lysacek is because he was interviewed about Weir’s less-than-testosterone-fueled mannerisms.  Lysacek—who relies on the presence of Weir to make himself look virile in comparison—was nonetheless critical of the skater who proudly wears diamonds and furs. 

Weir didn’t criticize anybody.  Not the Olympic Committee, not the bigwigs at Stars on Ice.  He was disappointed that he wouldn’t be participating in the only US figure skating tour, but goes on to add, “Maybe right now, just artistically and creatively, I’d love to have my own show and my own tour and involve some big musical acts, like maybe getting Lady Gaga”, thereby uttering perhaps the gayest sentence ever spoken. 

And, addressing the incessant use of the word ‘flamboyant’ to describe him, he said, “I don’t like to look at boundaries as far as sexuality is concerned.  I don’t like to look at things based on a person’s sexuality.  Anytime you get men in glitter, it’s a flamboyant occasion”. 

You can’t argue with his logic.  It’s not like figure skating attracts many blue-jeans-and-flannel-shirts types.  Those guys play hockey.  Maybe they skate in pairs competitions.  But a skintight catsuit, makeup, and glitter do not a manly man make.  As a rule, that is.  I’d hate to make sweeping generalizations about every male figure skater.

It might qualify me to judge the winter Olympics.

What exactly does it say about us as a country when the most level-headed political pundit was once known for wearing pink spandex pants and carrying feather boas (without living in West Hollywood, the Meatpacking district, or anywhere in San Francisco)?  What does it say that the same man later wrote a book called I Ain’t Got Time to Bleed?  Do we want either of those stereotypes speaking in the political arena, and, if we do, do we really expect any level of eloquence or common sense? 

"Ladies and Gentleman, your new moral compass!"

And yet, when a discussion of politics comes up, the voice of reason generally seems to be former-WWE wrestler, former-Governor, former-action-film-star Jesse “The Body” Ventura.  Certainly, this has to be some kind of sign of the apocalypse.  The tobacco-chewing, cowboy-hat-wearing Blain Cooper from the movie Predator (starring later-political sparring partner Arnold Schwarzenegger) is an intelligent, well-read, well-spoken author of five (5) books.  For real.  A man that we so want to fit into a well-defined cliché is not only smart, but has been wearing the wedding ring from the same woman since 1975, and has had no infidelity scandals.  He did admit to using anabolic steroids, but in the world of professional athletics—let’s be honest here—those things are more common than big egos, or crabs.

Now “The Body” is hawking his latest book, American Conspiracies: Lies, Lies, and More Dirty Lies that the Government Tells Us.  Okay, so the title is awfully reminiscent of fellow-Minnesotan Al Franken’s Lies and the Lying Liars Who Tell Them: A Fair and Balanced Look at the Right, but the guy makes some pretty good points.  A lot of his perspective came not from the time he served as Governor, but from living half of the year in Mexico and getting all of his information by reading.  This does not sit well with Larry King.  As entertaining a guest as the opinionated Ventura is, and as intimidating as it can be for the justhisclose-to-his-next-heart-attack host to confront a 6’4”, 245 lb. former pro wrestler, King became irritated by Ventura when he said, “You give me a waterboard, Dick Cheney, and one hour, and I’ll have him confess to the Sharon Tate murders”.

Okay, how do you not love this guy?

Granted, he did host a show on TruTV called Conspiracy Theory with Jesse Ventura.  He likes the conspiracy theories.  On his current book tour, he is getting raked over the coals over his belief that “The Bush Administration either knew about the plan and allowed it to proceed, or they had a hand in it themselves”.  It’s far from the first time that idea has been proposed, but when it comes out of the imposing mouth of “The Governing Body”, it makes more of an impression.

Whether or not we agree with everything he has to say, he proves again and again that, on most subjects, that he is the only arbiter of common sense in the media. 

Yes, ladies and gentleman, expect the locusts anytime now.  One of our most reliable sources of reason once had the primary goal of putting Hulk Hogan in a half-nelson.

It takes a mind like that of Howard Stern to come up with the idea of a beauty pageant for the mistresses of Tiger Woods.  And to have the $100,000 prize come from AshleyMadison.com, which is a dating website for married people.  From this great mind comes a partnership with jeweler Steven Singer, famous for his “I Hate Steven Singer” campaigns.  Singer has designed another prize for the winner of the competition, and it’s almost (but not quite) worth the humiliation—provided that you’ve already been suitably humiliated by having your name in every newspaper, tabloid, and website as a home-wrecking bimbo.  It is a 3-carat black diamond engagement ring, with the center stone surrounded by an additional half-carat of stones, all set in platinum.  The only thing that doesn’t come with it is dignity.  Or an engagement. 

I wonder if it's fun to be completely shameless.

As of today, one of the four confirmed contestants seems to have backed out.  Las Vegas odds-makers are betting that the pageant will never even take place.  Odds are that Tiger Woods will choose to pay each of the women more than 100 grand and one diamond ring to not compete.  He can afford it.  What he cannot afford is to have us all still talking about this more than three months after mistresses started appearing like teenage boys at a Jenna Jameson book signing.  And yet here were all are, with Howard Stern stoking the flames to make sure that Tiger doesn’t live this down until Stern builds another wing for his museum of jackassery. 

And Sirius XM is allowing him to host the pageant live, on his show March 10.  As for the ring, Ashley Madison and Steven Singer put their heads together to come up with what they’re calling the ‘non-engagement ring’.  Singer released a statement that, “…the mistress never gets the ring, so we’ve created the ‘non-engagement’ ring for the winner of the beauty pageant…It’s now the official mistress ring”.  And what a thing for a young woman to brag to her friends about!  At least it’s better than the “I slept with a Masters winner and all I got was this lousy t-shirt” t-shirt.  In the press release issued by Steven Singer Jewelers, they say, “The center stone is a 3- carat total weight black diamond.  The black diamond in the center of the ‘non-engagement’ ring speaks very well for the purpose: mysterious, mystical and quite unique”. 

Mystical.  Not exactly the word one might choose to describe the parade of skanks willing to not only sleep with a married athlete because he’s famous, but also participate in a contest to determine who is the best person to cheat on your wife with.  The pageant, arranged by Stern himself, is said to include “bikini” and “talent” portions.  Talent is a relative thing, and when it’s a competition that revolves around marital infidelity, one shudders to think what Stern will ask the contestants to do.  Aside from running to the tabloids the minute the story broke, that is.  Gotta cash in the Golden Ticket while it’s still valid, ladies!

I’m with Vegas on this one.  It won’t happen.  But it’s gotten Howard Stern the attention he desperately craves.  Mission accomplished, big guy.