John Mayer knows that he is perceived by the World at Large to be a total D-bag. Probably because he is a total D-bag. But he apologizes for it. Then he does something else offensive. Then he apologizes. And so on and so on. All the while that he’s talking about all of the women he’s been with and divulging intimate details of his escapades, new women keep running to him like he’s the last Madonna t-shirt at a Pride parade.
Deep As A Teaspoon.
Most recently, he made remarks that were seen as racist not because John Mayer dislikes black people, but because he’s an idiot who never thinks before he speaks. He’s recorded with Common and Kanye West. Common is a strong, political black man who wouldn’t work with a racist. Kanye West probably had a “Who’s The Biggest D-Bag?” contest with Mayer via Twitter, even as they sat in a studio together. And it was ALL DONE IN CAPITAL LETTERS. But then he makes remarks about a ‘Benetton heart and a David Duke”, um, other part of his body, and he’s ticked off an entire community. Again, not because he thinks like David Duke or has anything against any other races, but because he has a complete inability to filter his thoughts. That remark would have been funny if he told it to a few friends while they sat in a haze, strumming their guitars. It is not so funny when you say it to a reporter for Playboy magazine.
And the chicks still come a-runnin’. He’s dated Jennifer Love Hewitt, Minka Kelly, Cameron Diaz, and a string of other starlets before hitting the Big Two: Jessica Simpson and Jennifer Aniston. We almost wanted John and Jen to stay together, for the rumors of an engagement ring to be true, for them to have beautiful babies. But, alas, she is a grown-up, and he still believes that, at 32-years-old, he has license to go through women like Kleenex. The things he said about Jessica Simpson were just TMI. Even the interviewer from Playboy was a bit taken aback by his candor about their, um, chemistry, when Mayer referred to the singer as “sexual napalm” (Did anyone besides me think of Coming to America and ‘Randy Watson and Sexual Chocolate’?). Papa Joe must’ve had a meltdown over that. At least Mayer managed to be as respectful as he can be when referring to Aniston.
To further his jackassery, Mayer states that he is bored with bagging lots of women. He prefers to be, ahem, by himself these days. It’s too easy for him to get girls now. And why is that, anyway? Okay, so he’s tall, and women like that. He has a good head of hair, and that’s nice. He’s okay-looking, although he could clearly use a little less self-play and a little more sleep. And his singing, well, let’s just say that Justin Timberlake’s imitation of John Mayer was wet-your-pants funny. And he’s a total d-bag, and admits it. So why all the panty-dropping? Ask the nearest 18-year-old girl. “If I have a conversation with a really hot girl that lasts all night,” Mayer told Playboy, “And she says, ‘Wow, I had no idea I was going to like you this much’”, that is better than sex to him. He should probably keep looking for the panty-droppers, ‘cuz charming, he ain’t.
While trying to look contemplative and self-deprecating, he says that he has to let himself out of the figurative prison he feels that fame has put him in. “In 2010,” he says, “My goal is to get more mentions in US Weekly than ever”. In the same article, he probably put on his wisest expression as he said, “I’m old enough now to know that I need to change”.
That’s our Johnny. He makes no sense, and when he does, he offends people. Yet the trail of discarded women behind him grows ever longer. On behalf of my gender, I’d like to say, “Why?”