South Carolina Should Send Scott Brown a Bouquet of Flowers
For once, South Carolina is out of the embarrassment hotseat, and Massachusetts has settled in nicely to keep it all toasty-warm. Yesterday, the bluest of blue states somehow elected Scott Brown as a replacement for the late Ted Kennedy. For real. For the first time in 30 years, an “R” was voted into a senate seat. And what an “R” he is.
“R” for “R-rated”, that is!
In 1982, Scott Brown posed nude for Cosmopolitan magazine as “America’s Sexiest Man”. Was JFK, Jr. busy that day, or did he just refuse to take off his clothes because of aspirations beyond making Middle-American, middle-aged housewives hot? The fold in the magazine and a conveniently-placed arm make it so we don’t see all of his, ahem, patriotism, but he’s clearly dressed in the Emperor’s New Clothes (so to speak).
"Putcha Hands In Tha Air For The New Senator. Wait...No, Don't."
His campaign was charming. His television ads stated that his “…name is Scott Brown, and I’m running for Massachusetts State Senate. This is my truck”. We are then introduced to the truck. He loves that old truck.
In his victory speech, he was as eloquent as expected, sounding like a proud husband, father, and pimp. He announced that his daughters were both available, then said he was “kidding”. And THEN he went on to say that Arianna was, in fact, not available, but that Ayla is still without an engagement ring. She’s 21. What is this, South Carolina? And are the new senator and his wife aware that they named their child after the main character in Jean Auel’s “Clan of the Cave Bear”?
So how did the truck-driving, flannel-wearing conservative win in a state that is 2/3 Democrat? We can thank his opponent, Martha Coakley, for that. If you want to know how to make Massachusetts voters hate you, follow Coakley’s lead. Call Curt Schilling a “Yankees fan”. What was next on her agenda? Going to Newton and handing out bacon cheeseburgers to the Orthodox Rabbis?
Scott Brown had spoken to Barack Obama after Coakley conceded, and even offered to drive to Washington so the President could see his truck. He then challenged our Commander-in-Chief to a 2-on-2 basketball game. There are so many things wrong with this paragraph that it is painful to go on.
But go on we must. With the images of a naked senator burned forever into our collective consciousness.
Breathe, South Carolina, while you have your chance.