Oh, Heidi, how many different ways you have found to remain in our minds, no matter how hard we try to block you out. Your camera-hungry, desperate need for attention scored you a husband who requires an endlessly needy woman, and that’s working out beautifully, as we see from watching you argue with him when he puts a down payment on a house you don’t like, when he consults a doctor about a vasectomy when you want to have kids, when he flirts with a bartender because you had to work.
"Oh, Gee Whiz, Is There Really A Camera There?"
Heidi Montag set the bar nice and high for herself, doing one shady thing after another and dating the shadiest man alive, all the while claiming that she is a devout Christian. On her Twitter page, her bio simply reads: “I love Jesus!” And she honors him in odd ways. But that’s just Heidi. She married her sleazeball boyfriend Spencer Pratt while on vacation in Mexico, coming back with rings that cost less than the tequila it took to make the decision. I guess they annulled that, because Spencer later took her to the top of a ferris wheel –when Heidi is deathly afraid of heights, no less—and offered her the largest of engagement rings that his cut of her money could buy.
Her response was something like, “To this ring, I’ll say yes”. This is paraphrasing. The point is, the size of the diamond dictated her enthusiasm to get married. Ain’t love grand?
Then she made us all wish for earplugs and hysterical blindness when she performed live at the Miss Universe pageant, singing “Body Language” and sort-of dancing, in the way someone sings and dances when she is truly capable of doing neither. She entertained the co-stars who hated her on “I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here” by singing “Twisted” a cappella. The best part was seeing the looks on the other contestants’ faces. The worst part was, well, her singing.
By this point she had already had a nose job and breast implants. She went from being an annoying pretty girl to being an annoying blow-up doll in only 2 procedures. Then she went to see the King of Sadistic Plastic Surgeons, who circled and marked “problem areas” on the stick-thin, clearly mentally-ill young girl. She decided that she would have 10 procedures in one day, including a DDD breast enhancement; fat injections in her lips, naso-labial folds, and frown lines; botox in her forehead and around her eyes; a mini-forehead lift; butt implants; liposuction around the hips and thighs; and ear-pinnings. There’s more, but it’s hard to keep track.
Prior to having all of the procedures, the little Christian girl from Colorado, “prayed about it for a long time and said, ‘God, if it’s wrong, then I won’t do it’”. God, evidently, gave her the A-OK on her cosmetic surgeries, because she emerged looking like a figure in a wax museum. This was really great for Heidi because she was not only starting to look like her husband’s fantasy woman, but because it got her the cover of People Magazine. She proudly declared herself “Addicted to plastic surgery”, because that’s what it takes to get the cover of America’s most reputable news source.
Oh, yeah, and she released an album called “Superficial”. She claims that she is not referring to herself, however. She also is not doing much singing. Auto-tune got a workout during those sessions! It includes a particularly catchy version of “Body Language featuring Spencer Pratt”, in which her husband raps. Not kidding. Heidi said that she and Spencer initially recorded it as a joke, but then it somehow magically managed to make it both on to her record and onto the stage at Miss Universe. How did that happen?
Oh yeah, there was a chin reduction and fat injections to her cheeks as well. Forgot those.
Now, Heidi also fancies herself a poet, writing a declaration of her love to her husband. It is quite long, but here’s a taste of Heidi Barrett Browning in action:
“But 2010 is the start of a new life
Like I said there will be no strife
All that matters is the time we get to spend
That’s all that matters when it comes to the end
Mrs. Pratt is coming out to stay
Never will I go back to my old other ways
It’s a new beginning and era of love
We will be flying so high like the dove…”
You get the point.
She has said that she is “competing against the Britney Spears’ of the world”. Although that really isn’t much to aim for, she still doesn’t quite attain it, despite her assertions that “Superficial” could be the biggest album of the year and will rival Michael Jackson’s “Thriller”.
If I didn’t know better, I’d expect Spencer had a hand up the back of her dress and was making her talk as his marionette.