Celebrity Apprentice: The Most Ridiculous Season Ever
Who of us has not, while in the throes of some major illness, found ourselves watching reruns of Celebrity Apprentice? For those of you who haven’t watched, it is another Donald Trump reality show, but instead of having regular uptight fame-seeking people compete for a “Dream Job” with The Donald, it pits “celebrities”, most of whom we haven’t heard of or though were dead, against each other to raise money for their favorite charities. Last season, Joan Rivers won. ‘Nuff said.
"How May I Humiliate You While Pursing My Lips and Saying My Own Name A Lot?"
Challenges are similar to those in the regular “Apprentice”, only certain celebrities that are still recognizable are able to use their famous mugs to win attention and, possibly, money. How many times did we see Lennox Lewis act as spokesperson that one season? Last season, The Donald used his trademark nepotism to retain the services of Donald, Jr. and Ivanka to act as his right and left hands, and even used a challenge to help Ivanka hype her brand-spanking-new line of diamond jewelry. Celebrity contestants chose from her collection that included engagement rings and wedding rings, two of which she gave herself for her own wedding. Now THAT’S romance.
The upcoming season promises a whole new level of idiocy. The Donald confirms this for us. “This season of Celebrity Apprentice is going to be fantastic,” he tells us with his signature modesty. “The list of celebrities we have this season is outstanding and the show will really resonate with our core viewers and fans. I expect this season of Celebrity Apprentice to be the best one yet”. The list of random fame-seekers celebrities is as follows:
1. Rod Blagojevich, disgraced Illinois governor. He wasn’t allowed to compete in “I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here” because of some law stating he couldn’t cross international borders, so he’s doing this instead.
2. Cyndi Lauper, singer who was relevant in the 80s.
3. Sharon Osbourne, who is famous for marrying a rock star and parlayed that into as many reality television shows as possible.
4. Bret Michaels, singer of 80s hair band Poison. Recently looked for ‘love’ as all once-famous people do: he had a reality television show.
5. Darryl Strawberry, former Major League Baseball player remembered more for his addictions than his prowess on the field.
6. Holly Robinson Peete, who I’m pretty sure was on “21 Jump Street” with Johnny Depp and Richard Grieco in the 80s.
7. Sinbad, a comedian who nobody has seen for a long time
8. Some people called Selita Ebanks, Curtis Stone, Goldberg, Michael Johnson, Summer Sanders, Carol Leifer and Maria Kanellis.
I’m pretty sure Michael Johnson was an Olympic athlete. O, how the mighty have fallen, no?
No, seriously. What makes people compete on these shows? There are better ways to raise money for charity than going on a Trump-organized reality television show. For example, prostitution. Or selling encyclopedias door-to-door. Far less humiliating.
But then, what would we watch on Sunday nights?