Diamonds, Engagement Rings & Diamond Jewelry in popular culture

In 1993, Cindy Margolis was named by the Guinness Book of World Records as the Most Downloaded Woman on the Internet.  This was not because of her insightful commentary on world events or because of her rapier-like wit.  It’s because she looked good naked.  Or nearly naked.  And now, at age 44, after one divorce, three children, and a spread in Playboy, she finds herself single for the first time in her life, and still looking good without clothes on.   So she did what any normal former-Playmate-now-nearly-unrecognizable-because-of-cosmetic-surgery would do: create a reality show.  The contestants were chosen from the biggest fans of her website.  That was sure to bring in the winners.

This Classy Chick Is Looking For A New Life Mate. Or Something.

And boy, did it.  Ranging in age from 18 to 71, men from all over the world (okay, all Americans except for one Brit and one Mexican) responded to her web request and 24 lucky guys showed up, ready to compete.  Rather than just having the boys move into the house, Margolis planned her “dream wedding” and set it up so each man would walk down the aisle to her as she waited on the altar.  Such a Cinderella story.  A woman made famous on the internet for showing her goodies stood outside on a beautiful day, wearing a beautiful dress, surrounded by guests, waiting for the 24 men of her dreams to show up. Forgoing the tradition of receiving engagement rings from any of them as they arrived, she greeted them warmly, no matter what they looked like.

And they are quite a bunch.  19-year-old Jonathan Brown was proud to announce that he experienced his first, ahem, reaction to a picture of Cindywhen he was just 9.  He says that his dream would be to take her to Comic-Con.  71-year-old John, a British gentleman, likened his introduction to Margolis to “meeting the Queen of England”, and then went on the say, in his charming English accent, that the most attractive part of Cindy is…something they can’t show on Fox Reality Network.  Also included in her slew of suitors is a professional wrestler who rips his shirt off when he meets her at the altar, after which she says, “At my dream wedding, all the men rip their shirts off”.  Classy.  There is Chris, a musician with more piercings than brain cells and an inexplicable long, jet-black beard; a Tupac Shakur impersonator; an idiot longshoreman known as Timmy Z; a salmon fisherman from Alaska; a Playgirl model; and some random 18-year-old kid, among others. 

As night falls, Cindy stands in front of her wedding cake and refers to this time being her ‘wedding reception’.  The creepiness factor only increases as she slices a piece from the cake and announces that the man to whom she gives the cake will be invited to spend some private time with her in the “Love Shack”.  Last night’s winner was a 23-year-old college wrestler who had presented Cindy with a t-shirt from his alma mater for her oldest son.  That touched her heart, apparently, so she invited him for some quality time away from the 23 other guys.  Actually, it was only 22 other guys, since 71-year-old John had already bailed, saying that he was too old to deal with the “teenage garbage” that was going on at the house already.

Anyway, Margolis, who had previously said, “You can’t kiss anyone on TV” ended up with her tongue down the throat of her young escort, and all within telescope range of the tequila-shooting contestants in the house above.  Clips from later episodes reveal that she doesn’t limit herself to making out with just that one admirer. 

Her first challenge for the men on the show was to submit a sperm sample, so she could learn who is most potent.  And the 18 remaining contestants all stepped up to the plate, so to speak.  It is not surprising to learn that she got reality TV dating advice from Bret Michaels of Rock of Love, Rock of Love II, and Rock of Love: Tour Bus.  Cindy does say that she falls in love, but adds that she did so with more than one man.  At the end of the series, it will be interesting to see if any of the contestants really want to marry this woman forever, or if they just want to test-drive a famous naked chick.

Good luck with that, Cindy.

It’s bad enough that this year’s NFL All-Star Game is going to be played in Miami, rather than the traditional location in Hawaii.  Those boys deserve a nice trip to Hawaii after a long season of busting heads.  But this year, the Pro Bowl will be played the week before the Super Bowl.

I’m sorry.  What?

Yes, one week before the Indianapolis Colts and New Orleans Saints battle it out for the title and the biggest, gaudiest, most tasteless of high-quality commemorative diamond rings, the Best of the Best are supposed to play against each other.

See Peyton Manning Do THIS During the Pro Bowl This Year.

The Best of the Best.  Talking heads in the NFL have said that they are holding the Pro Bowl before the Championship game because playing it after seems “anti-climactic”.  If by ‘anti-climactic’, they mean that they believe in their hearts that viewers don’t want to see the best players on the field, then they are right.  But coaches Sean Payton of the Saints and Jim Caldwell of the Colts would have to have rocks in their heads to let any of their players risk injury one week before the Super Bowl.

There’s a reason that Major League Baseball holds their All-Star Game mid-season.  It doesn’t interfere with the World Series, which takes place three months later, and, even then, certain players sit out if they are thisclose to injury.  And the NFL knows this.  Playing the Pro Bowl after the Super Bowl allows even players from the Championship team to be involved, if they want to.  And who doesn’t?

What’s the difference, really?

Well, the NFC starting quarterback, according to rosters released in the end of December, is four-time All-Star Drew Brees of the…(wait for it)…New Orleans Saints.  Yeah, he ain’t playing.  But at least he’s done it before.  Starting Guard Jahri Evans, a first-time All-Star, also from the Saints, won’t play because an injury in a game that counts for nothing would be totally stupid when he is to start in the biggest game of the season one week later.  His first time to be an All-Star, and he won’t play.  How PO’d do you think he is about this decision?  Linebacker Jonathan Vilma would have appeared for the second time, but, alas, he will not.  He will watch and fume from the sidelines.

That’s it, NFL.  Tick off a nice, big linebacker.

One team had six players selected for the Pro Bowl.  You guessed it: the Indianapolis Colts.  We won’t see Dwight Freeney, Robert Mathis, Jeff Saturday, or Reggie Wayne.  Who else won’t we watch that day?  Dallas Clark and Peyton Manning.

Peyton Manning is not playing in the Pro Bowl.  Welcome to the world of Big, Stupid Decision by Failed Athletes in Front Offices.  Manning, Freeney, and Mathis were all to be starters.  Not that the AFC is short on talent, but the best players are supposed to play in an All-Star Game.  That’s where the name comes from.

So this year’s Pro Bowl will be a lovely forum in which to watch a great group of also-rans competing while members of the Saints and Colts breathe fire on the bench.  The very talent that helped their teams reach the Super Bowl is keeping them from playing in the Pro Bowl.

It is said that players from the Saints and Colts will be there for the first half of the game, but, again, they’d have to be crazy to risk getting injured with the biggest game of the year, often the most-watched sports event in the US, just one short week away.  And then there’s the addition burn of having it in Miami, the same city in which the Super Bowl is held.  “Kicking off an exciting Super Bowl week” the folks in the NFL offices say.

There are stupid decisions, and then there are STUPID decisions.  This one ranks in the second category.  If you underline it.  And then make it bold.  Then make the font larger.

I’ll watch the Super Bowl, but I’m boycotting the Pro Bowl on principle.  I mean, really.

Yes, we’re still talking about MTV’s runaway hit Jersey Shore, thanks to the controversy raised by Italian-American advocacy groups speaking out against them.  Now the heavily hair-gelled, silicone-enhanced, diamond-stud-wearing crew is asking for a raise.  They want $10,000 per episode.  JWoww evidently needs more cash to make those glorified napkins she’s calling her ‘signature’ tops to reveal her impressive chest.  And the electric bills from ironing their wife-beater tank tops must be outrageous.  Then there’s the cost of the gym memberships, the tanning salon visits…I could go on.

It costs a lot to keep your hair this high and your skin this orange.

So Snooki, “The Situation” and Pauly D, among others, are asking for more.  According to the New York Post, MTV “would like the popular names to return, but if the cast doesn’t agree to lower their demands, producers can easily replace them”.  True enough.  After all, Snooki is already bucking for her own reality show Snookin’ For Love, in which, she proudly announced, about 25 ‘guidos’ would compete for her love.  Maybe she should talk to Flavor Flav before she counts on reality TV to find her a soulmate.  But she certainly won’t have difficulty locating 25 ‘guidos’.  We’ve all seen the bar scenes.  Their particular corner of the shore is crawling with heavily-muscled, under-educated, orange fellas.

The current cast has taken full advantage of their new celebrity status.  They’ve partied in Las Vegas, met famous people, and have a following even among the Hollywood elite.  Michael Cera is such a fan that he not only hung with the cast, but allowed them to give him a guido makeover, famously moussing his hair skyward.  Ben Affleck has said that he hasn’t seen the show, but feels like he should.  The cast has even been photographed with the cast of The Hills and met Lindsay Lohan.  They must be so proud.  Maybe JWoww and Heidi Montag can discuss flotation-device-sized cosmetic enhancements.  Or their own burgeoning careers as fashion designers.

On the reunion show after this season wrapped, Sammi and Ronnie, speculated throughout the run to be on the road to shopping for Jersey quality engagement rings, broke up.  They cited Sammi’s apparent flirtation with a police officer and Ronnie possibly hooking up with JWoww.  Tears, anger, and running mascara ensued.  In never-before-seen footage, Mike “The Situation” comforts a crying Sammi and kisses her ‘near her mouth’.  Ronnie became angry in true Jersey Shore style, saying, “It really makes no difference to me. I cut girls quicker than barbers do, to be honest with you”.

It would be worth it to see Snooki at a ‘barber’, who would probably have no idea to give her the gravity-defying style that defines her.  Only a Jersey stylist, the same ilk that gave Adrianna on The Sopranos (prior to her death) her entertaining hairdos, could possibly execute such a move.

Snookin For Love is practically a go, although it sounds more VH1 than MTV.  As for the rest of the cast, they’ve already made impressive bank and can ride this fame wave for long enough to parlay it into their own spinoffs, or, as JWoww is already pursuing, clothing lines.

Our best wishes to the rest of the cast, wherever they end up.

Since the tragic earthquake in Haiti over a week ago, various charitable organizations have made an effort to send aid.  Celebrities have been jumping all over the cause, with the MacDaddy of Third-World Philanthropists, George Clooney, organizing a telethon that is expected to bring in millions.  The event takes place on Friday, January 22, and will have an array of stars doing everything from performing to answering the phones.

Imagine this:

Volunteer:  “Thank you for calling Hope for Haiti Now.  This is Brad Pitt.”
You: “What?”

Yeah, he might answer if you call.  So could Sandra Bullock or Jennifer Aniston.  As of right now, Angelina Jolie is not expected, but that’s probably just as well since she practically ripped the wedding ring off Aniston’s finger a few years back.  You remember that, right?

Amy Fisher Loooooooooves Haiti! Dial Now!

Clooney has used his exceptional star power to bring in Sting, Bono, Stevie Wonder, Alicia Keys, Wyclef Jean, and Shakira.  Christina Aguilera, Taylor Swift and Justin Timberlake are all expected to perform on the live broadcast in Los Angeles, with Wyclef reporting from NYC and Anderson Cooper from Haiti. 

Stars are contributing in other ways, too.  Aside from donating tons of cash, some are taking part in an auction of clothes they wore to the Golden Globes this past Sunday.  Olivia Wilde, Amy Poehler, Meryl Streep, Josh Brolin, and Gerard Butler will be giving 100% of the money raised to Artists for Peace and Justice, which will, in turn contribute it all to the relief efforts.

And then there’s Amy Fisher.  She’s helping, too.  Amy Fisher is the Girl Who Inspired Three Movies of the Week.  She was the girl with the crimped hair who had an affair with a middle-aged mechanic and shot his wife in the face.  And now she is a happily married mother of two who stars in her own pornographic videos (I’ll bet that makes Career Day interesting), hosts her own X-rated website, and, as a part of the deal she made with the distributor of her first sex tape, takes off her clothes periodically at Scene Restaurant and Lounge in Commack, Long Island.  She will be working the pole there tonight, Friday and Saturday, and has made it more than known to the New York Post that she will give a portion of her earnings to the cause.  Kudos to Amy.  Go see her show, and be sure to give ‘til it burns!

For once, South Carolina is out of the embarrassment hotseat, and Massachusetts has settled in nicely to keep it all toasty-warm.  Yesterday, the bluest of blue states somehow elected Scott Brown as a replacement for the late Ted Kennedy.  For real.  For the first time in 30 years, an “R” was voted into a senate seat.  And what an “R” he is. 

“R” for “R-rated”, that is!

In 1982, Scott Brown posed nude for Cosmopolitan magazine as “America’s Sexiest Man”.  Was JFK, Jr. busy that day, or did he just refuse to take off his clothes because of aspirations beyond making Middle-American, middle-aged housewives hot?  The fold in the magazine and a conveniently-placed arm make it so we don’t see all of his, ahem, patriotism, but he’s clearly dressed in the Emperor’s New Clothes (so to speak).

"Putcha Hands In Tha Air For The New Senator. Wait...No, Don't."

His campaign was charming.  His television ads stated that his “…name is Scott Brown, and I’m running for Massachusetts State Senate.  This is my truck”.  We are then introduced to the truck.  He loves that old truck. 

In his victory speech, he was as eloquent as expected, sounding like a proud husband, father, and pimp.  He announced that his daughters were both available, then said he was “kidding”.  And THEN he went on to say that Arianna was, in fact, not available, but that Ayla is still without an engagement ring.  She’s 21.  What is this, South Carolina?  And are the new senator and his wife aware that they named their child after the main character in Jean Auel’s “Clan of the Cave Bear”?

So how did the truck-driving, flannel-wearing conservative win in a state that is 2/3 Democrat?  We can thank his opponent, Martha Coakley, for that.  If you want to know how to make Massachusetts voters hate you, follow Coakley’s lead.  Call Curt Schilling a “Yankees fan”.  What was next on her agenda?  Going to Newton and handing out bacon cheeseburgers to the Orthodox Rabbis?

Scott Brown had spoken to Barack Obama after Coakley conceded, and even offered to drive to Washington so the President could see his truck.  He then challenged our Commander-in-Chief to a 2-on-2 basketball game.  There are so many things wrong with this paragraph that it is painful to go on.

But go on we must.  With the images of a naked senator burned forever into our collective consciousness.

Breathe, South Carolina, while you have your chance.

Oh, Heidi, how many different ways you have found to remain in our minds, no matter how hard we try to block you out.  Your camera-hungry, desperate need for attention scored you a husband who requires an endlessly needy woman, and that’s working out beautifully, as we see from watching you argue with him when he puts a down payment on a house you don’t like, when he consults a doctor about a vasectomy when you want to have kids, when he flirts with a bartender because you had to work.

"Oh, Gee Whiz, Is There Really A Camera There?"

Heidi Montag set the bar nice and high for herself, doing one shady thing after another and dating the shadiest man alive, all the while claiming that she is a devout Christian.  On her Twitter page, her bio simply reads: “I love Jesus!”  And she honors him in odd ways.  But that’s just Heidi.  She married her sleazeball boyfriend Spencer Pratt while on vacation in Mexico, coming back with rings that cost less than the tequila it took to make the decision.  I guess they annulled that, because Spencer later took her to the top of a ferris wheel –when Heidi is deathly afraid of heights, no less—and offered her the largest of engagement rings that his cut of her money could buy. 

Her response was something like, “To this ring, I’ll say yes”.  This is paraphrasing.  The point is, the size of the diamond dictated her enthusiasm to get married.  Ain’t love grand? 

Then she made us all wish for earplugs and hysterical blindness when she performed live at the Miss Universe pageant, singing “Body Language” and sort-of dancing, in the way someone sings and dances when she is truly capable of doing neither.  She entertained the co-stars who hated her on “I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here” by singing “Twisted” a cappella.  The best part was seeing the looks on the other contestants’ faces.  The worst part was, well, her singing.

By this point she had already had a nose job and breast implants.   She went from being an annoying pretty girl to being an annoying blow-up doll in only 2 procedures.  Then she went to see the King of Sadistic Plastic Surgeons, who circled and marked “problem areas” on the stick-thin, clearly mentally-ill young girl.  She decided that she would have 10 procedures in one day, including a DDD breast enhancement; fat injections in her lips, naso-labial folds, and frown lines; botox in her forehead and around her eyes;  a mini-forehead lift; butt implants; liposuction around the hips and thighs; and ear-pinnings.  There’s more, but it’s hard to keep track. 

Prior to having all of the procedures, the little Christian girl from Colorado, “prayed about it for a long time and said, ‘God, if it’s wrong, then I won’t do it’”.  God, evidently, gave her the A-OK on her cosmetic surgeries, because she emerged looking like a figure in a wax museum.  This was really great for Heidi because she was not only starting to look like her husband’s fantasy woman, but because it got her the cover of People Magazine.  She proudly declared herself “Addicted to plastic surgery”, because that’s what it takes to get the cover of America’s most reputable news source. 

Oh, yeah, and she released an album called “Superficial”.  She claims that she is not referring to herself, however.  She also is not doing much singing.  Auto-tune got a workout during those sessions!  It includes a particularly catchy version of “Body Language featuring Spencer Pratt”, in which her husband raps.  Not kidding.  Heidi said that she and Spencer initially recorded it as a joke, but then it somehow magically managed to make it both on to her record and onto the stage at Miss Universe.  How did that happen?

Oh yeah, there was a chin reduction and fat injections to her cheeks as well.  Forgot those.

Now, Heidi also fancies herself a poet, writing a declaration of her love to her husband.  It is quite long, but here’s a taste of Heidi Barrett Browning in action:

“But 2010 is the start of a new life
Like I said there will be no strife
All that matters is the time we get to spend
That’s all that matters when it comes to the end
Mrs. Pratt is coming out to stay
Never will I go back to my old other ways
It’s a new beginning and era of love
We will be flying so high like the dove…”

You get the point.

She has said that she is “competing against the Britney Spears’ of the world”.  Although that really isn’t much to aim for, she still doesn’t quite attain it, despite her assertions that “Superficial” could be the biggest album of the year and will rival Michael Jackson’s “Thriller”.

If I didn’t know better, I’d expect Spencer had a hand up the back of her dress and was making her talk as his marionette.

Minneapolis, Minnesota – Brett Favre, the 40-year-old, strangely-last-named quarterback of the Minnesota Vikings, was elated when he completed four touchdown passes to lead his team to a 34-3 trouncing of the Dallas Cowboys.  He certainly had every reason to celebrate.  He’s 40.  He officially retired in March 2008, only to come back a la Michael Jordan.  He’s only given a wedding ring to one woman, and she’s stuck by him, even when he got to pretend-date Cameron Diaz in There’s Something About Mary.  And now he’s going to play in the NFC Championship against the New Orleans Saints next Sunday. 

"40-year-old dude did WHAT?"

Of course, everyone will still root against him because it is politically correct to support the New Orleans Saints—not only because Brad Pitt brings cute little munchkin Maddox with him to games, but because the city is still struggling after Hurricane Katrina.

Nonetheless, Favre (inexplicably pronounced “fahrv”, for those of you who aren’t football fans) was celebrating like a, well, moron after the game.  Footage of the post-game clubhouse scene shows Favre singing the American Idol/YouTube sensation “Pants on the Ground”, an original song written by 62-year-old General Larry Platt.  Platt first brought the stinging social commentary to our attention when he performed it for the judges of American Idol in hopes of getting a spot on the show.  Simon Cowell informed him that he was slightly over the age limit of 28, but the General was not upset.  And since then, his song has become a sensation—from comedian Jimmy Fallon performing it as Neil Young, to an NFL quarterback leading his team in chanting it for some reason.

Dude is 40.  He should neither be watching American Idol nor singing anything called “Pants on the Ground”.  Yes, he’s still playing professional football, and he’s even made it to the NFC Championship.  But he’s still 40.  And Southern.  It was embarrassing.

Did the young and devastatingly-handsome Jets’ quarterback Mark Sanchez sing “Pants on the Ground”?  No, and he could have gotten away with it.  He’s 23.  And a rookie.  In a stunning upset over the San Diego Chargers yesterday, it was, once again, all about the rookies.  Sanchez and Shonn Greene were the pivotal players that led the team for the third week in a row.  Coach Rex Ryan, who apparently knows nothing about motivating his team, said: “I will say that I’d like to see Peyton Manning not play this week”.  Way to stand behind your boys, Rex.  Sending out a wish to the cosmos that the Colts’ QB befall some hideous accident between now and next week does not exactly instill confidence in your young team. 

On a side note, in the fourth quarter, Sanchez indicated that Thomas Jones go for the first down by using the accepted signal: a fist pump and then pointing his hand forward. 

Seems our young QB watches Jersey Shore.  Could the fist-pump be coincidence?  I’d like to think not.

On another aside, it should be noted that the author, while raised in the northeast, is a Jets fan because her Dad is.  For the same reason, she takes great pleasure in mispronounced the name “Favre”.

Remember when the Smashing Pumpkins were HUGE?  Billy Corgan was our odd-looking bald Grunge god with a voice that cracked into our souls.  He made depression seem cool.   He earned his street cred by writing haunting lyrics and dating Courtney Love before she married Kurt Cobain.  Now it seems that he has grown tired of contemplation and quiet desperation, and has decided that his new thing is…a busty blonde with a questionable IQ.    Really, Billy?  Jessica Simpson?  It seems that the fates conspired to bring this very odd couple together.  They have evidently been friends for years, but it is only in the last few months that they have moved their relationship to the next level. 

What's Not To Love, Joe?

If Billy wants to maintain any of his integrity in the music business, he had best be careful of the line he is walking here.  Living out his fantasy of dating a walking blow-up doll is one thing, but this blow-up doll has marriage on the brain.  She’s already got a list of Tiffany engagement rings on her blackberry, china patterns picked out, and the names of their future tiny dogs arranged. 

The 42-year-old Corgan has kept quiet about the dating rumors, but has openly admitted that the two are recording a song together.   What musical genre will THAT fall into, one has to wonder.    While Corgan remains mum, Simpson gushes with her normal schoolgirl enthusiasm, tweeting: “I am blessed.  Going over a song with Billy”, and captioning a photo of the two of them with: “Fun to be lost in laughter”.  She also said: “He braids my prayers”, but no one has any idea what that means.

Jessica’s family has yet to warm up to the brooding singer who is 12 years older than their little girl.  No big surprise there.  A big ol’ NFL star like Tony Romo was considered a good match for her because he is young and handsome and all-American.  A bald, kinda creepy looking musician who has stayed as far away from pop music as possible and probably has no interest in playing golf with Papa Joe is another story altogether.

But Jessica is undeterred.  A source told E! News that, “She has fallen hard and is smitten”.  But with Jessica Simpson, every man is her next husband, whether he likes it or not.  Run, Billy!  Run!

Everyone of a certain age remembers watching Pee-wee’s Playhouse every Saturday and loving it, no matter how old we were.  Then a bunch of things happened and he fell out of the public consciousness.  Now the man who famously married a bowl of fruit salad in the Playhouse episode “Pajama Party”—but never officially exchanged wedding rings with an actual human—is back. 

Of course, for those of you who were not avid viewers of Pee-wee’s Playhouse, marrying a bowl of fruit salad might seem as deviant as some of the charges that were filed against Paul Reubens.  It was, in fact, innocent.  At his pajama party, he said that he loves fruit salad.  Following one of the many ongoing jokes on the show, his friends all said in unison, “Then why don’t you marry it?”  Naturally, Pee-wee said, “All right then.  I will”.  An elaborate ceremony followed.  There were tears.  Miss Yvonne cried.  It was lovely.

At Age 57, He's A Big Kid Who Is Grateful For Digital Re-Touching.

Now, 25 years after we started watching him, almost 20 years since his infamous arrest, and almost 10 years since his first major comeback in Ted Demme’s film Blow with Johnny Depp and Penelope Cruz, PW is ready to ready to be in the spotlight again. 

Last night marked the first night of a limited engagement at Los Angeles’ Club Nokia.  Called “The Pee –wee Herman Show”, it is an update of his 1981 production, which played for five months at West Hollywood’s Roxy.  In 1981, every show sold out.  The same is expected for this round, which runs only through February 7.  It was originally scheduled to begin in November at a smaller venue, but devout Pee-wee fans came out of the woodwork, causing the show to require not only a larger club, but more room to create a really, really big production for PW, the cast, and the slew of animatronic puppets.  Paul Reubens’ “kids’ show for adults” is already a hit.

Since its inception in 1978, Pee-wee’s Playhouse has really been meant more for adults than children.  Most of the humor of the show was lost on anyone not yet old enough to drive.  Playhouse was, in many ways, groundbreaking.  Here was this strange boy-man in an ill-fitting suit having co-ed slumber parties with farm animals and talking foliage in addition to his human friends.  S. Epatha Merkerson, now famous for her role as Lieutenant Van Buren on Law & Order, played the saucy character of Reba the Mail Lady.  There was an ongoing flirtation between the very white Miss Yvonne, played by Lynne Marie Stewart, and Cowboy Curtis, played by then-unknown Laurence Fishburne.  It was among the first interracial situations, and it was on a show “for children”.  Performing the famous wedding between Pee-wee and his beloved fruit salad was Ricardo, a Latin-American soccer player.  The show was openly multi-cultural and yet, somehow, no conservative groups rallied against it.  How Pee-wee managed to fly under right-wing radar is something that only Jambi knows.  Also on the show for the first season was another unknown actor, playing the gruff Captain Carl.  It was Phil Hartman.

Reubens has a mission for his new start.  He wants to inspire people of all ages to find their own unique voices.  He told the Chicago Tribune, “This isn’t a nurturing time.  But the message of ‘The Playhouse’ has always been: ‘Dare to be different.  Here are some of the options you might not have thought of’”.  He also intends to make a new Pee-wee Herman movie when the right offer comes along.  Reubens has already received a few offers–including one from Tim Burton to have Johnny Depp play the lead–but he’s holding out for something else.  There’s no doubt that he’ll get it.

And this time, he promises, the Foil Ball will be enormous.

Okay, so Prince William might finally give Kate Middleton an engagement ring this year.  They’ve been dating for about eight years, and it is said that the Queen wants a princess by her side in 2012, when she celebrates her Diamond Jubilee.  Since William has always been a good boy, followed all the rules, and made his family proud, he will probably do as Grandma wants.  Wedding rumors are nothing new to the couple, but these might actually be for real.  After all, when Prince William began dating Kate, he was still considered a hot ticket.

Okay, The Article Isn't About Prince Harry, But He's SO Much Better Looking.

That was before he got older, his resemblance to his father grew more striking, and his hair started to thin.  It was clearly our beautiful Gingey Harry who got the looks in that family.  Of course, a lot of women would marry just about anyone to become a princess, but Kate has stuck by Wills through thick hair and thin, so he might as well stay with what works.  The Prince has often spoken of marrying when he turns 30, which will be in 2012.

And that brings up a whole other thing.  You know, the apocalypse.  2012.  According to the Mayan calendar, either the world will end or a royal wedding will occur during that year.  It could go either way. 

Sources have said that the Queen wants William to marry in 2010, despite his wishes.  A royal insider stated that the Queen has planned six months of celebration leading up to the February anniversary of her coronation, and the Prince’s wedding might upstage her.  If William’s wedding is even half the blowout that Charles and Di had, that certainly would take away some of the Queen’s royal thunder.  No one wants that, I suppose.  We’ve all been so looking forward to the Diamond Jubilee. 

Evidently, the Queen is also feeling a bit weary after nearly 60 years in the majestic driver’s seat, and looks forward to turning a good chunk of her largely ceremonial duties over to Charles, Camilla, William, and Harry.  An already-settled-down Prince William makes for a more viable ruling candidate, evidently.

The truly tragic news is that British bookies are betting that Prince Harry will propose to Chelsy Davy this year.  Of course, they had 4-to-1 odds that he would have already proposed by the end of 2009.  Strongest odds are that they couple will marry in 2014, if they are still together.  Somebody needs to slip his Royal Ginginess my phone number.

Anyway, apocalypse or royal wedding.  What are you betting on?