Windermere, Fla. – At 2:25 a.m. on Friday, the Cadillac SUV of Tiger Woods struck a fire hydrant and tree, and Tiger was said, initially, to have been injured in the accident. According to early reports, super-wife Elin Nordegren appeared on the scene and, using one of her husband’s golf clubs, shattered the back window to help rescue her bloodied life-mate. Lovely gesture, considering that, not two days prior, the National Enquirer published a story claiming that Tiger had been having an affair with New York night club hostess Rachel Uchitel.
Would Tiger Woods Give Up Everything For This She-Male?
While most women would be chucking wedding rings and household appliances at a philandering husband, this Teutonic treasure was supposedly dragging the damaged, broken body of her famous husband from a car wreck. Or not.
Later reports stated that the Woods were having an argument over the alleged affair, that Elin scratched her husband’s face and then went at her husband’s SUV with one of the golf clubs that made them both wealthy enough to afford a Cadillac SUV in the first place. At this time, the Florida Highway Patrol has no plans to follow up on any ‘domestic dispute’, despite the fact that there was no blood found in the vehicle, supporting the argument that Tiger sustained his injuries while arguing with Enraged Elin, and not during the accident.
Because Tiger is famous, the police also don’t seem anxious to look into the problem of the golfer driving while under the influence of prescription pain meds. Clearly, he wasn’t planning to go for a midnight drive. He was probably all cuddled up in a diamond-encrusted Snuggie, doped up on painkillers, watching himself on TiVo, when Elin came in and confronted him.
The evidence is, after all, fairly damning. While the baby-faced Master of the Masters was in Melbourne, Australia to compete two weeks ago, it seems that Uchitel was seen checking into the same hotel. Although she adamantly denies the affair, she has a fairly weak alibi. She claims that she just happened to be there with friends. After having an affair with “Bones” star David Boreanaz as recently as October, and making no secret of affairs without other famous married people, she is far from an angel. Her history of dating married men and leeching off of their fame makes her a great candidate for a new scandal.
And who did she go after this time? A guy who is the face of products by family-friendly companies like General Motors, Titleist, General Mills, American Express, Accenture and Nike. This is someone who gets a cut from every sale of Nike’s golf apparel, equipment, and footwear. He is the boyish-faced Buddhist who helped launch a high-end Buick SUV, ironically called the “Rendezvous”. He has his own charitable foundation, hosts golf clinics, and funds the Tiger Woods Learning Center in Anaheim, California.
She is the one who wears low-cut dresses and decides who sits where in popular drinking holes. She also makes no secret of her love of the rich and famous, saying: “Although I’ve been romantically linked to a famous baseball player, a Broadway star, a musician, and various film and television actors, I will never kiss and tell!” Um, you just kinda did. She also claimed to friends that she and Tiger (who she tenderly calls “Bear”) are in love, and that he intended to leave Elin for her.
Yeah, because that’s what all guys with millions of dollars in endorsement deals do: sacrifice everything for someone who maintains a Facebook profile with a picture that is borderline-porn. Someone who was getting text messages from her married lover David Boreanaz while his wife was giving birth to their first child. Yuck.
Nonetheless, Brand Tiger has been tarnished by the allegations. He could lose millions in endorsements—although he’ll still have enough money to live like a king for at least 20 lifetimes. Brand Elin, however, has finally been firmly established. The club-wielding Swedish Siren is making her song heard, and it is saying: “I am very, very teed off”.
Awful.