Diamonds, Engagement Rings & Diamond Jewelry in popular culture

Russian car manufacturer Dartz has upped the ante on luxury SUVs by creating the Pombron Monaco Red Diamond Edition, cruising in at right around $1.6 million.  It is set for its official unveiling to the Prince of Monaco in April of 2010.  Shortly thereafter, one can imagine, it will be featured on MTV Cribs, taking up massive space in the garages of 50 Cent, Master P, Diddy, T-Pain, and, possibly, Lil’ Jon.  Basically, anybody with money to burn and a desire for the latest in enormous, ostentatious, gas-guzzling vehicles will be on this like a teenage girl on a Jonas Brother.

The windows, which are bulletproof, are gold-plated.  The exhausts (Yes, that IS plural.) are made of pure tungsten, and the speed gauges are encrusted with diamonds.  For extra safety, the exterior paint includes a bulletproof Kevlar coating.  It weighs in at 4 tons and includes a V8 engine capable of 450 horse power.  Because life in Monaco is fraught with danger, the Pombron’s designers claim that each SUV is “rocket grenade-proof’. 

Funny, It Looks Pretty Capitalist To Me.

Another proof worth mentioning is that of the most ironic of this vehicle’s perks: the vodka that comes with each.  Dartz includes three bottles of Russo-Baltique, a brand created this year by the company to commemorate its 100th anniversary.  One bottle retails for about $13,000.  Each is made of 30cm-thick bulletproof glass (vodka needs safety precautions, too).  The included flasks, replicas of the radiator guards used for Russo-Baltique cars, are made out of gold coins minted between 1908 and 1912.  Each cap is made of white and yellow gold with a diamond-encrusted replica of the Russian Imperial Eagle.  If it was Hennessey in those bottles, Kanye West would be first in line for this badboy.

What’s the worst possible combination?  Try someone with too much money and something to prove driving a bullet-proof, eight-thousand pound gold-plated tank with three bottles of vodka on board.

I’m just sayin’.

The only thing that might turn off a certain type of person from this vehicle is the material from which the seats and gear-shift cover are made.  Says a Dartz spokesperson: “The seats are indeed made of real whale penis leather”.  This is a nod to the late Aristotle Onassis, whose yacht ‘Christina O’ had bar stool seats made from sperm whale foreskin.  Evidently, it’s soft and very comfortable. 

You just can’t make stuff like that up.

The company got its start producing armored vehicles for Vladimir Lenin, Leon Trotsky, and Tsar Nicolas.  A company spokesperson said, “In the past, our customers have included Lenin and his revolutionary partner Trotsky.  In fact, we are launching a version of this new model in 2012, just for Latin America.” 

Okay, wait for it…

The Dartz spokesperson added that, “It will commemorate the fact that Trotsky was killed in Mexico with an ice pick in 1940 and will come with a gold ice axe.”

I’m sorry.  Can you repeat that?

Take same overly-wealthy driver with God complex, sinking into the whale-foreskin seats of his grenade-proof car while drinking $13,000 vodka and then add a golden axe.  Too much?  Nah.

This is just taking it to another level.  Like Master P’s gold-plated ceilings, so shall the Pombron Monaco Red Diamond Edition shine.

Los Angeles – After a month-long romance, Khloe Kardashian, lesser sister of Kim, married LA Laker star Lamar Odom.  Sort of.  They had a ceremony and reception, but didn’t have time to agree on a prenup or file a marriage license before the E! network’s filming deadline.  After all, business is business, but reality television waits for no one. 

"Wait A Minute. We Did WHAT?"

Khloe has been giddily flashing her 9-carat engagement ring and diamond-encrusted matching wedding band all over the media.  Never has a woman brushed her hair off her face so often or held her PDA so high while texting as does the new bride.

Now that the marriage license has been filed and the assets been logged, the pair can begin their life together.  If it doesn’t work out, Khloe, whose only job is to be her sister’s sister on television, will still be financially set.  She will get a flat sum of $500,000 for every year the couple is married; $25,000 each month for spousal support; $5,000 shopping allowance; $1,000 for beauty care; the new house; a new luxury car at the end of each lease cycle; and courtside Lakers tickets for the whole Kardashian clan. 

It is only surprising that there isn’t a clause stating that, should the marriage end, Odom would have to be traded to another NBA team so the Kardashians wouldn’t have to look at the most recent man to step on the heart of their little Khloe. 

During their courtship, there was only one small detail missing from the couple’s ‘deeply-getting-to-know-each-other’ phase: Odom’s two children, 10 year-old Destiny and 7 year-old Lamar, Jr.  Neither child has met their new stepmother.  They weren’t even at the wedding. 

Odom has said that he does plan on introducing Khloe to his children.  He laughed off the question with, “Of course”.  We can only wonder why they have not yet met.  When asked if he planned to have more children, but with Khloe, Odom said, “Maybe one day.  Hopefully!”

With Khloe’s marriage and other sister Kourtney’s pregnancy, Kim hadn’t been getting the appropriate amount of attention, so she weighed in with her extensive knowledge of solid relationships.  After all, she was the one who not only ran off at age 20 to marry Damon Thomas and avoid telling her parents until the tabloids did, but she also had the ultra-successful sex tape release with former boyfriend Ray-J.  She is now back with New Orleans Saint Reggie Bush, but is older and wiser, saying that a prenup is a necessity, that, “It’s important, especially if you are successful and have your own stuff.”  Kimmy has learned that it’s good to keep your stuff, if not your dignity.

With Khloe and Lamar ready to reach both their two-month dating anniversary and one-month wedding anniversary, a person can only ask one question:

Who’s keeping track of bets on when this one will crash to an end?

New York — Alex Rodriguez, the New York Yankees slugger, is once again playing spiritual musical chairs.  Girlfriend Kate Hudson, credited by the Yankees’ staff for A-Rod’s recently-stellar performance on the field, is exposing him to more than previously thought—he’s now experimenting with Buddhism.  A source reveals that, “it seems like Alex really just wants to make her happy.”

"Let's root, root, root for the Buddha!"

‘Happy’ includes house-hunting on both east and west coasts, since Kate is LA-based and A-Rod is New York-based.  With the two preparing to share a house, it can’t be long before we see Kate wearing a sparkly new engagement ring.  But that’s for the post-season.  For now, Hudson and her friends are content to drape prayer beads over the railing in front of her seat, picking them up to say whichever Buddhist prayer there is for making it to the World Series.

That Bodhidharma—he thought of EVERYTHING.

According to the New York Daily News, A-Rod has been “flirting with Buddhism”, since Kate has been a longtime follower of the practice.  His true devotion is a bit questionable, however.  When he was dating Madonna prior to her dumping him for an even younger hot Latino, he studied Kabbalah.  Now that she’s got a guy named Jesus turning into a Jew for her, the smitten third-baseman has decided that it is Buddha who will guide him.  If he starts dating porn star Asia Carrera, he won’t know whom to thank for his success.  She’s an atheist.

If Alex Rodriguez doesn’t settle down soon, he’s likely to go through every deity in the book.  Then to whom will he pray for monstrous home runs and bullet-like throws to first base?  Will all the gods turn on him?  Will he resort to acknowledging genetics, supplements, and good coaches?

Right now, all the credit for his recent success on the field has gone to his—ahem—active relationship with Kate Hudson.  She’s been filling him with self-confidence nightly, while he’s been filling her with Buddha-knows-what.

If the Yankees want to give brownie-points to Kate Hudson or Buddha for Alex’s athletic performance, that’s fine.

Just keep him away from Marilyn Manson.

One of the first things on President Obama’s agenda after taking office was to close the detention center at Guantanamo Bay.  It has yet to happen, but it will, and the music industry is working to see that it does, and soon.  But first, they want to know which music was being piped into the cells of suspected terrorists.  Is it vanity?  Is it because they’re looking for their royalties, as many musicians are doing to Ellen DeGeneres now?  Is it a genuine concern for human rights?  A statement from legendary peace-promoters REM says, “…To now learn that some of our friends’ music may have been used as part of the torture tactics without their consent or knowledge, is horrific.”

I wouldn't use his music without permission.

What is widely known is that certain music was played at obnoxious volumes during the interrogations of ‘uncooperative’ detainees during the Bush Administration’s famous waterboarding-stripping-hooding- humiliation rampage at the facility.  20 declassified documents have revealed that “loud” music was used to “create futility”.  Those Bushies  certainly did know how to spin a few words to make “tormented” sound like something more akin to “kinda annoyed”.  That’s like Jon Gosselin telling Nancy Grace that his earrings aren’t ‘diamonds’, but rather ‘cubic zirconia’.  Uh-huh.

Some of the artists whose music was illegally used include Metallica, Nine Inch Nails, Eminem, The Bee Gees, Britney Spears, and Bruce Springsteen.

Metallica and NIN?  For a lot of people, Metallica and Nine Inch Nails at eardrum-splitting volume is just another Saturday night.  That’s a party, not torture.  Give frat boys enough alcohol and Rage Against The Machine and they’ll waterboard each other for fun.

That’s not to say that torture is funny.  But the use of Britney Spears’ irritating squeal for 72 hours straight would make me tell my deepest, darkest secrets.  Artists are demanding to have all of the documents relating to the use of music as an interrogation device released under the Freedom of Information Act (FOIA).  Among the bands leading the charge to declassify documents and close down GITMO are Trent Reznor of Nine Inch Nails, Tom Morello of Rage Against The Machine, Rise Against, Billy Bragg, The Roots, Jackson Browne, Pearl Jam, and REM.  An official filing will come from the National Campaign to Close Guantanamo (NCCG).

To clarify: the NCCG will file the FOIA request to close GITMO by notifying the DOD, DOA, DIA, FCC, FBI, CIA, and DOJ (among others).  If REM and NIN hadn’t signed on, the acronym-fest would simply not have been complete.

When the documents are released—and they will be—that’s when the fur will really start to fly.  Not even the government can use music without the consent of the artist.  When a President chooses the song that will be his campaign ‘fight song’, the musicians must first agree to it.  There has been controversy over just that during the McCain campaign.

W. knew he was on his way out, anyway.  Someone else will pay the price, and it will be hefty.

And In Other News: The Sky Is Blue

Anaheim, California – New York Yankees Closer Mariano Rivera was caught in the middle of a controversy in which he was accused of…wait for it…spitting.  As natural to baseball players as crotch-grabbing and picking up women, spitting is just a part of the game.  Mariano Rivera is as likely to accumulate mucous as the next person, and, because he’s a ballplayer and spitting is what they do, he spat.

Is This The Face of A Spitballer?

But this is the ALCS.  Serious business.  Despite the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim (with the worst name in all of baseball) actually winning the game, fans of LAA needed to make a fuss over something, and it was the salivary glands of a Yankees pitcher that they chose to focus on.  Perhaps tiring over blaming the deep pockets of the Yankees ownership and their consequent ability to sign an almost-all-marquee staff, the subject of Monday night’s game would be phlegm.

Um, get a life, folks.

Going into the controversial playoff game, the Yankees led the series 2-0.  Game three proved itself to be an 11-inning nail-biter, but the Angels emerged victorious.  The Yankees now only had a 2-1 series lead, and the underdogs felt—possibly for the first time—like they had a shot.  And then some idiot with a YouTube account decided to make things more interesting.

An unbelievable amount of other YouTube videos showing slow-motion versions of Rivera’s alleged spit-ball, versions including commentary by fans, the actual FOX footage from the game, and so on.

The “damning evidence” shows Rivera looking intently at the ball, then looking towards the plate, then spitting.  He then rubbed the ball before throwing his pitch.

Let’s review.  A pitcher looked at the baseball he was about to throw it.  Then the same pitcher looked towards the target at which he would be throwing the aforementioned baseball.  Preferring to pitch without fluid in his mouth—or, perhaps, because it might be a superstitious thing he does before each pitch—the player then discharges any saliva.  As he prepares to throw the ball, he rubs it.  Maybe he wants to make sure he has a good grip.  Such things are important when you’re a fireball-throwing legendary closing pitcher.

Then some clown with a camera-phone and too much free time claims that the pitcher was spitting on the ball, which, in case you didn’t aren’t aware, is a big no-no in baseball.

Mariano Rivera is one of the most feared and respected closers in the game.  He doesn’t need to spit on a ball.  If he weren’t among the best, he wouldn’t be playing for a team that can buy any player they want.  He is now in year 2 of a 3-year, $45 million dollar contract that made him the highest-paid closer in the game when he signed.  During the 2008 season, he was chosen to announce the winner of a promotion that offered a diamond engagement ring and proposal in front of 50,000 fans at Yankee Stadium.  He also gave the winner tips on married life, as the devout Christian pitcher has been happily with his wife since 1991.  That’s like 100 years of marriage in Baseball World, where wives come and go like the tides.  He is even the judge in the Yankees’ Clubhouse Kangaroo Court, in which players are fined for various offenses that anyone not on the team can’t—and probably doesn’t want to—know about.

This is not a man who cheats.  He doesn’t have to.

After reviewing tapes of the supposed ‘event’, the Office of the Commissioner of Major League Baseball cleared Rivera of any wrong-doing.  Even Angels’ Manager Mike Scioscia said, “There are certainly some guys that might be suspect.  Never Mariano…I’d be shocked if there was anything to that.”

Dude didn’t even get upset when he found out that conspiracy theorists were after him  “Why would I get mad?” Rivera said. “I mean, I care about what the fans think about me, but if somebody has followed my career for years, that’s a lot of spit.”

Everyone who is not a Yankees fan must accept a few truths: A. They can afford to buy the best in the game, and they do, every single year.  B. Money can go a long way towards buying a championship—but not always.  C. Even if you can’t stand the Yankees, even if you want to burn Steinbrenner in effigy every day of the year, there are some actually good men—not just good players—on the team.  (When did we stop mocking A-Rod for dating Madonna, anyway?)

Crying foul every time a ballplayer shoots some phlegm onto the field is like getting mad at a teenaged boy for stealing his mother’s Victoria’s Secret catalog.

Either way, a man’s gotta get his fluids out.

Hollywood, CA –  John Mayer, singer of sappy love songs and lover of anything in a skirt, has officially run out of young starlets and singers to date.  What’s a young man to do?  Switch teams!

John Mayer, Looking Like He Can Hit From Both SIdes of the Plate.

Mayer became popular with the release of his album Room for Squares in 2001.  20-somethings everywhere swooned over his lovesick lyrics and little-boy face.  It was rumored that the hit song “Your Body Is A Wonderland” was written about then-girlfriend Jennifer Love Hewitt.  After J. Love failed to get the engagement ring she wanted out of the balladeer, they split.  He quietly dated singer Vanessa Carlton when she was famous, went out with Derek Jeter’s now-girlfriend Minka Kelly, apparently had an “encounter” with Cameron Diaz that neither denies, and then he hooked up with Jessica Simpson for a while.

The young man could not seem to get away from women who wanted desperately to get married.  His much-storied relationship with Jennifer Aniston seemed very stable until he took to Twitter to send 140-character blips about the ins and outs of their romance.  Not only was Aniston not so happy about his revelations to the world at large, but she, too, is in marriage mode, and Mayer was still aching to play the field.  So they split up.  And then got back together.  Then they split up again.  They were seen in late September having dinner together and the two released statements that they were close and had a great deal of respect for one another.

What’s to respect?

More recently, the man who has used his height (6’3”), his voice, and his self-proclaimed “great balance and coordination” in bed to bag some of Hollywood’s biggest hotties, has been seen coming out of a gay club with a friend.  It is said that he shared a kiss with a man while he was there.  He denies this claim, but nonetheless has said that he prefers gay bars sometimes because he finds the crowds there “more respectful than in a straight club”.

Drunk gay boys seeing John Mayer versus drunk straight girls seeing John Mayer: which would be more of a free-for-all?  Tough call.  Well, maybe not.

He’s already famously kissed Perez Hilton, but that was to make some sort of point, according to him.

Another way to look at it is that he’s run out of girls.  Why not try boys?  They love him, and he can possibly double his wardrobe if he hooks up with the right badly-dressed gay man.  There must be one or two in the country.

But if Mayer thinks that this will keep him from getting married, he should be reading the papers.

Iowa awaits you, John.

But It’s Not Funny For The Wrong Reasons

Jessica Simpson put on weight.  Then she lost it.  Then she put more weight on.  Then she lost it again.  Her weight fluctuates like the value of the dollar.  It IS Jessica Simpson, after all.

A cartoon skit on Fox NFL Sunday featured members of the Dallas Cowboys making fun of Jessica Simpson “blowing up” and had a cartoon-coach Wade Phillips asking Tony Romo if Jessica was still around, because they “could use a Defensive Tackle”.  It wasn’t funny, because the skit itself wasn’t funny.  Some have said that Jessica put on weight after failing to get an engagement ring from Tony, but she was porking out well before that.  And it was all over the media.

"But It's Wrong to Judge Me By My Weight..."

Jessica has been working on a reality show called “The Price of Beauty”, in which she travels around the world, showing what it is to be beautiful in different countries.  This all stems from the constant attention on her ever-changing waistline.  But her best intentions—or the intentions of the people who thought of the show—are all wrong.

The fact is that poor little Jessica claims that it is terrible to have to be so skinny to be considered beautiful, but she is forever trying to be just that.  When she got into shape to star in the completely awful Dukes of Hazzard movie, she was nearly naked, on camera, all the time.  She made a video that had her washing a car in a bikini, writhing around all soapy and wet.  She performed in shorts that are smaller than most underwear.  She was more proud of that figure than she had ever been before.  She wanted to look like an undernourished teenager as much as everyone else expected her to.  Giving up her nachos grande under the watchful eye of her personal trainer was hell to her, but she sure sucked up the attention she got for being a stick figure.

When she started putting on weight, famously performing at some state fair or other wearing unflattering Mom Jeans and an enormous belt that allowed her gut to really shine, she was upset over the media firestorm that followed.  She lamented the attention she got for her chubbier figure, but ate up attention when she lost weight and performed a few months later, again in her Daisy Dukes.

If you want us to feel sorry for you, Jessica, then stop trying to be skinny.  If you want us to listen to you, well, you’re out of luck, honey.  No one really cares what you have to say.  Your constant whining over pressure to be thin is getting old.  No, it GOT old.

You wanna be a sex symbol in Hollywood these days, then you have to pay the price.  Eat air, drink water, and exercise 7 times a day.  You know, like Madonna does.

You wanna be famous and chubby?  Marry someone in Atlanta and vie for a spot on “The Real Housewives of Atlanta”.  Otherwise, just shaddup.

See you in the ATL.

Akon, also known as Aliaune Badara Thiam, or (if you ask him) Aliaune Damala Bouga Time Puru Nacka Lu Lu Lu Badara Akon Thiam.  He was born in either Senegal or St. Louis, depending on your source, or—if you ask him—his mood.  Song lyrics from the 2008 album “Freedom” indicate that he was born in Senegal and moved to St. Louis with his father shortly thereafter.  Some documents have been found showing that he was born in Senegal and delivered by Dr. Magueye Seck.  He is rumored to have three wives, reassures fans that he only has one, but makes no secret in his lyrics of enjoying the company of many women.  To say the least, it would be difficult to be Mrs. Aliaune Damala Bouga Time Puru Nacka Lu Lu Lu Badara Akon Thiam.  Or even just Mrs. Akon would be challenging enough emotionally, without worrying about what to change your name to.

Aliaune Damala Bouga Time Puru Nacka Lu Lu Lu Badara Akon Thiam (or not) and a Girl Who REALLY Doesn't Look 15.

The best part is that no one has any idea how old he is, and he ain’t talkin’.  Some sources have said he was born in 1981, making him a tender 28 years old.  That’s still young enough to have song titles that most people won’t say out loud in mixed company.  However, The Smoking Gun states that he was born in 1973, on either April 16 or April 30.  That would make him 36 and pushing the limit of being ‘new school”.  When he was asked by Vibe Magazine what his age really is, Akon responded, “The only thing I hide is my age..before I lie to you, I’d rather say nothing.” 

Speaking as a 30-something woman, I say: “LIE YOUR NACKA LU LU LU OFF, AKON!” 

He is definitely the son of famous Senegalese percussionist Mor Thiam, and was raised to play several musical instruments.  Word is that he may have born in St. Louis to avoid immigration issues, but split time between Dakar, Senegal and Missouri until he was 15.  Or not.  Again, it depends on who you ask.

His released his first album in 2004.  Since then, he has also released Konvicted in 2006 and Freedom in 2008.  After Life is scheduled to drop in 2010.  He made his millions, however, primarily on collaboration with other artists.  Although he is a true talent in his own right, he has worked with some of the most popular artists in music.  He has worked with Snoop Dogg, Chamillionaire, Bone Thugs ‘n Harmony, DJ Khaled, Young Jeezy, Fabolous, 50 Cent, T.I., Daddy Yankee, Gwen Stefani, and so on.  He also started his own record label and clothing line.

This allowed Akon to have plenty of available funds, some of which he invested in his homeland, by a diamond mine in South Africa.  Initially, he denied the existence of blood diamonds, but has since recanted and now makes sure that his mine fairly pays and treats its workers, and that a portion of the profits from diamonds mined there are donated to the community through his charity for underprivileged African children, The Konfidence Foundation. 

In 2008, Akon worked with Michael Jackson on a duet called “Hold My Hand”.  Akon told a reporter that Jackson had planned a major release for the song and video, but it was leaked onto the internet, and the big moment was ruined.  This was the last song Michael Jackson worked on before his death.  We can also thank Akon for co-producing Lady Gaga first studio album.  In the future, Akon, Nelly, T-Pain and Pharrell are planning on teaming up to form a rap supergroup.  He is an incredibly prolific talent.
 

But there have been some issues as well.  One involved Akon dancing provocatively with a 15 year-old girl in a club while in Trindad and Tobago.  He touches on this subject in his new song “Sorry, Blame It on Me”, in which he makes reference to the club being for people over 21.  Since the incident was filmed, it got all over the internet, and Verizon decided not to sponsor Gwen Stefani’s Sweet Escape Tour, for which Akon was the opening act.  The potentially-embarrassing incident was turned into gold when the track resulting from it became a hit even before the re-release of Konvicted, on which the song was to make its debut.

Also, Akon is a Muslim, and says he has never had alcohol or done drugs.  His lyrics say something different.  Maybe they’re just words to songs.  One wonders, however, how to collaborate with Lil Wayne and NOT be high.  He says that his faith helps guide him in the way he treats others.  Was he thinking of Mohammed when he wrote “Smack That”?  He also says that it was his three-year stint for grand theft auto that inspired the title to the album “Locked Up”.  Court documents show no such jail term.  Akon was later quoted by another source as saying that he had served several small sentences TOTALING three years, and that the other reporter misunderstood.  He may or may not have been a drug dealer.   Who really knows?

Maybe his two nearly identical brothers, with whom he is planning a reality show in which they go all over Atlanta claiming to be Akon to see what they can get for free. 

Maybe his brothers know the answers to Akon’s Awesome Ambiguity.  But they ain’t tellin’.  And neither is he. 

As far as this kid is concerned, who cares how old he is, whether he served time, or what his real full name is?  It’s not like the rap community is chock full of angels and virgins.  He’s making it work for him.  It’s a beacon of hope for those of us who really enjoy keeping our dates-of-birth to ourselves.

Lie on, brother.  Lie on.

New York, NY –As the New York Yankees swept past the Minnesota Twins on their way to the ALCS last night, spraying champagne all over the visitors’ clubhouse and creating mayhem in general, poor Kate Hudson was sad.  Even though her boyfriend, Alex Rodriguez, hit a 7th-inning home run that helped decide the game, Katie was proud—but not happy.

"Honey, the other girls won't play with me."

It seems that the wives of other Yankees players have a problem with Kate, and aren’t playing nice with her.  In particular, there is hostility between Hudson and Derek Jeter’s girlfriend, Minka Kelly (who is an actress of some kind).  So the bummed-out beauty told her man that they other girls weren’t letting her play their reindeer games.  After Page Six of the New York Post revealed the unfriendly relationship to all the world, the Yankees front office took it upon themselves to speak to the wives and other girlfriends, telling them to be careful about what they said and to whom about A-Rod’s main squeeze.  There’s nothing a baseball wife enjoys more than being scolded by some middle-aged failed athlete in a suit, his lips still smelling of Steinbrenner’s butt.

Kate Hudson and Alex Rodriguez have been seen smooching all over New York.  They have had outings with A-Rod’s 2 daughters and Hudson’s son from her marriage to Black Crowes frontman Chris Robinson.  There have been rumors of the couple taking their relationship to the next level, but no engagement ring has been spotted yet.  That doesn’t mean that there isn’t one, however.

When Kate was seen last week running around the streets of New York in a wedding dress, rumors heated up.  This was, of course, totally stupid.  Like she would be seen all over New York in her bridal gown when she can make at least a half a million for wedding photos.  And, of course, the ink isn’t even dry on A-Rod’s divorce papers yet.  People aren’t finished talking about his affair with Madonna, even though she has more than moved on—to  another Latino 13 years his junior. 

But putting Kate in a wedding dress was pure gold for Harper’s Bazaar magazine.  Since sources are saying that Kate and Alex will be heading down the aisle soon, even sports fans are likely to buy the fashion mag, just to find any mention of their baseball hero.  Besides, everyone knows that baseball weddings happen in October or November—whenever the season is over. 

Either that, or we’ll be hearing the rumors until the 2010 All-Star break.

Katie Holmes, who hasn’t really done anything memorable since Dawson’s Creek—aside from bearing the child of Scientology’s favorite madman—is, for some reason, appearing on the cover of November’s Elle magazine.   Photographs of her and daughter Suri appear in the tabloids from time to time, when they are spotted out and about.  Recently, entertainment magazines and websites showed pictures of the 3 year-old wearing shoes with heels.  At age 3.  I think we all know whose idea that was.

Did This Just Fall Out of "Bent" Magazine?

In talking about her personal style, she says she likes designers Azzedine Alaia, Stella McCartney, Ralph Lauren, and newcomers Isabel Marant and Sari Gueron.  But when getting ready to go out, it isn’t Katie who makes the ultimate fashion decisions.  The man who jumped on Oprah’s couch like an insane person (well, not like one) and presented Katie with an engagement ring in the cheesiest way possible makes those calls.

When Katie gets dressed for an event, Holmes told Elle, “He usually likes everything, but sometimes I’ll walk out and he’ll say. ‘I think that dress might be wearing you.’”

Did Carson Kressley from “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy” just speak, or am I confused?  What heterosexual man on the planet would say something like “that dress is wearing YOU”?

The answer is obvious: there isn’t one.

Katie doesn’t need Carson or Kyan Douglas to tell her about fashion and grooming.  She has her husband for that.  Such a lucky girl!  And girlfriend knows what she’s got.

“Tom has great taste,” she told Elle.  Of course he does. 

Just think of all of the manly things that Tom does, though.  He famously donned tighty-whiteys in his breakout role, was man enough to adopt two children while married to one of the most beautiful women on the planet, loves motorcycle gear, has done more than a few movies in which he dressed in military uniforms…

Oh, wait.  Never mind.