Anderson Cooper Doesn’t Know Heidi Montag, and Doesn’t Care.
Evidently, people watch the Miss Universe pageant. In addition to hosting the most beautiful women in the world (often stereotypes of the countries from which they come), the pageant also, apparently, has live music performances. Like the MTV Awards or the Grammys.
Only not quite.
Although the pageant is owned by Donald Trump, even he can only buy so much star-power. So we didn’t see any beautiful ballads by Beyonce, or mind-blowing metal from Metallica. We didn’t even get a freaky performance by Michael Flatley, Lord of the Dance.
One can only assume that Mr. Trump lost a significant bet when he signed off on the performer whose song would showcase several of the world’s great beauties. While everyone with nothing better to do on August 23rd watched, Heidi Montag took the stage. To sing.
"I've Been to Kosovo, Rwanda, and Beirut. I've covered the Gulf War, Hurricane Katrina, and the death of a Pope. Why Am I Watching This?"
No, really.
Well, actually, she came out to lip-sync a song that must be hers, but she didn’t seem to know the words that well. She also danced, or did her version of dancing. Let’s just say that Christina Aguilera doesn’t have to worry about the competition when it comes to vocals, and Jennifer Lopez can remain confident in her ability to reign supreme in the dance category.
Spencer Pratt, the delusional crackpot who gave Heidi a real wedding ring this past April, was ecstatic over his wife’s performance. Heidi herself, when interviewed by MTV, said she feels that, talent-wise, she is on par with Michael Jackson. Spencer followed that with, “…the modern-day 2010 Michael Jackson”, and, since Jackson’s death, Heidi is possessed with a little bit of “Michael Jackson Juice”. Only, according to Pratt, she will be “way bigger”.
Where to start?
1. The only thing that Heidi Montag and Michael Jackson have in common is rhinoplasty.
2. Heidi may well be possessed, but it isn’t by the spirit of Michael Jackson.
3. Out of respect for the dead, there will be no comment on ‘Michael Jackson Juice’.
Of course, we need to remember that Spencer Pratt, while on the reality show “I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here”, became a ‘new Christian’. How? He was baptized on film. His baptism was performed by Stephen Baldwin. You can’t make stuff like this up.
Somehow, the topic of Heidi’s performance ended up on CNN, in the adorable hands of Anderson Cooper. Here is a respected member of the news community—who must have also lost a bet—watching the footage from the Miss Universe Pageant. Looking a little confused, he said, “I don’t really know who this person is, nor why she is pretending to be a singer, nor why anyone should actually listen to her, but apparently she is famous.” Having seen her Twitter page, he noted that, “She twittered to congratulate herself and thanked God. I don’t think God had anything to do with this production. If God had time to work on this production and that’s the best he could do, we’re all in trouble.”
Amen to that, Anderson. Amen.