Diamonds, Engagement Rings & Diamond Jewelry in popular culture

Rapper Lil Wayne celebrated his birthday in style yesterday.  He flew to Minnesota to watch his favorite football player Brett Favre, who won the game for his team in the final seconds.  He got a million-dollar, diamond-encrusted watch.  His cake was surrounded by diamonds.  Life is good for the poor kid from New Orleans. 

"Da Ladiez Can't Resist My Charm."

He has accomplished a lot in his relatively short life thus far.  He has put out seven CDs, a number of mixtapes, and has collaborated with the likes of Akon, The Game, Chris Brown, Wyclef Jean, Jay-Z, Mariah Carey, Kanye West, and Kid Rock.  He has found time to work in a few films, some TV shows, and a couple of ads.  Considering his–ahem–active social life, it’s a miracle he has a spare moment to work.

He has also found time to make babies.  Four of them.  With four different women.  The first bundle of joy came along when he was 15.  He and his high school girlfriend set the tone for his life: The Proliferation of Lil Wayne.  Whether by music or by DNA, Lil Wayne is about to take over.  His second child came in 2008, and the mother’s name remains a mystery.  Then the man known as ‘Weezy’ did the next logical thing:  he got two women pregnant within months of each other.  On September 9, he had a little boy with “actress” Lauren London, who is mostly known for her ability to ‘drop it like it’s hot’ in rap videos.  She dropped Lennox Samuel Ari less than three months before Lil Wayne’s next project is due.  His latest babymama is singer Nivea, who is the only one who has scored an engagement ring from rap’s Most Fertile Man. 

He admitted to Katie Couric that he likes to smoke weed, but that he is no longer addicted to the “purple drank”, which is cough syrup with codeine.  Evidently, he once was.  Maybe that’s how he lulls attractive women into becoming his concubines.  Or perhaps it is his lyrical musings.  What woman can possibly resist the line: “A b**ch is a female dog, and they say a dog is a man’s best friend”?  That was from one of his love songs.  An emotional shout-out to all the ladies. 

Who among us is not moved?

Lil Wayne has one CD, Rebirth, being released in November, and another coming out in 2010.  He is also collaborating with alt-pop group Weezer, an odd pairing if ever there was one.  Somehow the idea of ultra-sensitive Rivers Cuomo–and his thick glasses–on the same stage as Weezy with his dreads, tats, and noticeable lack of underwear doesn’t add up.

Happy birthday, Lil Wayne.  And for heaven’s sake, try to enjoy yourself.

Los Angeles, California—By now, everyone has heard about today’s impending nuptials between reality TV’s Khloe Kardashian and LA Laker Lamar Odom.  After one month of dating, our lovely Khloe is certain that she has found The One.  At the very least, she has found The One Who Is Good for Ratings. 

Shortly after rumors began, Khloe and Momager Kris hit the stores to register for high-end wedding gifts.  It was confirmed without being officially confirmed.  Khloe was finally seen wearing an engagement ring on Friday while making a run to Starbucks.  It is a 9-carat, radiant-cut diamond set in platinum.  Nothing but the best for our little Khlo.

The Happy LoveBirds and the One Who Gets 10%.

Kris, who freaked out on Keeping Up with the Kardashians when Khloe wanted to move to New York, seems to be totally behind Khloe’s decision to get married after dating Odom for only about 5 minutes.  Perhaps even Kris is unfazed, now that Kim has posed nude for Playboy and had a sex tape released, and since other daughter Kourtney is now seven months pregnant with the seed of her philandering boyfriend. 

And then there is, of course, the show.  Kris gets 10% of what her girls earn, as she acts as manager for each of them.   Good ratings and good press equals more jobs and more money.   Now that Khloe has scored a deal to sell her wedding photos for $300,000, Kris is certain to be in giant gold hoop earrings for the rest of her life. 

And the mother of the bride doesn’t even have to worry about picking up the tab for the estimated $1 million ceremony.  Stepfather Bruce Jenner is probably torn on this issue.  While he’s happy to save the money, he’s probably not looking forward to the circus that this televised wedding is destined to become.  As long as the wedding takes place TODAY, then the E! Channel will pay for everything.

But then there’s the not-so-slight issue of the pre-nup.  Because E! is rushing the event, lawyers for Kardashian and Odom have not had time to work out an agreeable pre-nup.  Odom just inked a $30 million contract with the Lakers, plus his endorsement deals and so on.  Khloe has assets as well.  Aside from her reality TV show, she is part owner of clothing boutique DASH, and was probably paid handsomely to pose au naturel in PETA’s “I’d rather go naked than wear fur” campaign. 

Seriously, have any of the Kardashians not been seen without clothes on?

What Khloe and Lamar have agreed is to have the ceremony, but it will not be legally binding in any way.  It will be, basically, a scripted scam for the sake of the television audience.  After their lawyers have plenty of time to haggle over details and come to some kind of reasonable pre-nuptial agreement, the happy lovebirds will get legally married in some other way.  Maybe something low-key, maybe not.  But E! only pays for the September 27 ceremony.  The non-legal one.  The Show.

And that’s what really matters here.

Yet another season of overweight has-beens has come upon us, and we will be watching.  We won’t be proud of it, but we will be watching.  This season—as with the others—we will turn on VH1, watch the intro to the show, and think: “Who?”

This season’s “famous people” are a Who’s Who of ‘Who?’, in fact.

Sebastian Bach (not to be confused with composer Johann Sebastian Bach, who is unavailable this season) was in a famous band in the 80s.  He’s still wearing the tight leather pants, but it isn’t nearly so titillating as it used to be when he was screaming out his vocals on “18 and Life” for the hair band Skid Row.  He has been on a bunch of other reality TV shows, and his waistline seemed to grow a bit with each one.  It happens.

We Will Be Watching His Man-Boobs Bounce Their Way Into Fame.

Kevin Federline, who is famous for giving a wedding ring to Britney Spears, will be there.  So will Shar Jackson, who is famous mostly for not getting a wedding ring from Kevin Federline.  Bobby Brown was famous as a part of the 80s boy band New Edition, but is best known for exchanging wedding rings with Whitney Houston.  They had their own reality show, but it was too gross and tragic for most people to watch.  Whitney was forced to put down the pipe, leave Bobby Brown, and learn to sing again.  Bobby was forced to, well, do nothing, really, until he got chubby enough to qualify for Celebrity Fit Club.

A few other reality TV alumni will be joining the corpulent cast.  Jay McCarroll of Project Runway will be there in all his unathletic-yet-fabulous glory (while Heidi Klum cringes and responds “Jay WHO?”), as will Tanisha Thomas of Bad Girls Club.

Nicole Eggert, who used to proudly wear the same revealing red swimsuit as Pamela Anderson on Baywatch, has, apparently, gone from fantasy to fleshy, and will huff and puff her way to fitness in front of cameras.  Someone called Kaycee Stroh of High School Musical will be there as well.

Of course people watch.  The question is: why do the once-famous subject themselves to the humiliation of exercising in front of millions?  The only people who enjoy being watched while they sweat like herd animals are those people at the gym strutting around in little shorts and tiny tank tops, flexing at themselves in the mirror, waiting for some outside validation.

These contestants are joining the glorious ranks once occupied by the likes of Dustin Diamond (the Saved by the Bell guy), Biz Markie, the Snapple Lady, Jeff Conaway, Bruce Vilanch, Ted Lange, etc., etc., and so on.

It’s okay if you’re asking yourself who these people are.  They were once famous.  For some of them, it was a really, really long time ago.  Is a stint on Celebrity Fit Club going to bring them some sort of comeback, or will they compete and then fade into obscurity again?  You can almost understand regular people going on reality TV shows to either get famous or try to earn a large cash prize.  But the phenomenon of semi-celebrities sweating and complaining and fighting in front of the world is mystifying.  It seemed sad to see the sassy bartender Isaac from Love Boat degrade himself so (FYI: that’s who Ted Lange is).

Either way, we’ll be there, waiting for them to step on that demeaning giant scale at the end of the show, when diminutive comedian Ant says, “and remember: the scales don’t lie.”

The shame of knowing that is killing me.

First of all: Duh.

A new book by Christopher Andersen titled “Barack and Michelle: Portrait of an American Marriage” talks about the difference between the Obamas marriage and those of previous Presidents and their First Ladies.  Every human on earth was able to tell that their relationship is different than most Presidential unions.  For starters, they are hot for each other.  Also, they like spending time together.  And they respect each other.  They make time for each other.  The President has even said he allots “Michelle Time” whenever they are in the same city.  Need I go on?

Barack Obama has already stated that he loves tall women.  Although the First Lady tends to wear flats most of the time, she is still close to her husband in height, and, when she wears heels, they dance eye-to-eye.  He likes to keep fit, and, judging from the guns on Michelle, he likes a fit woman as well.  She is strong in body and mind.  The book even states that she pushed for the slogan “Yes We Can”, which he husband initially thought was “corny”.  But he listened, and that seems to have worked out nicely.

Yeah, We'd Grab That, Too.

The pictures of the Obama family vacationing in Hawaii were all over the internet, not just because it was during the Presidential race, but because the family looked like they enjoyed being together, and because the nation got to see that Barack Obama looks great without a shirt on.  Who can forget the pictures of Bill Clinton running in those little shorts?  We were all thinking, “Dude, I have two words for you: ‘sweat pants’”.  No one wanted to see W. without a shirt.  No one wanted to see his father without a shirt.  Not since John F. Kennedy was anybody interested in what the President looked like in his Official White House skivvies.

Granted, a six-pack and fantastic legs do not a great President make, but a great desktop photo they do.  Especially a nice tiled setting on the computer, so the Executive Pecs were still visible when various windows are open.  I’m just sayin’.

But, while on the campaign trail in Peoria, the future Commander-in-Chief got into the car with Michelle and was reported to say to his wife: “Jesus, I wish they’d stop grabbing my a**”.

It isn’t the fault of the American people that the Cheeks-of-State are so touch-worthy.  Michelle knew that when she married him.  It may have, in fact, been a determining factor.  Sure, he’s intelligent and driven and creative, but having a body to die for didn’t hurt his cause.  It might not have been why he was voted into the Oval Office, but it probably helped him to win a hot babe for a wife. Michelle herself always looks great, whether she’s in jeans and sneakers or a ball gown and diamonds.

That incident actually caused a bit of marital strife, as Michelle believed that he really enjoyed the attention, but they clearly got over it.  Being a smart woman, she must have realized that the American people had been starved for decades for an Executive fanny worth reaching out to.  One can imagine that the same conversation never transpired between George and Barbara Bush.

So women were—and still are—throwing themselves at President Obama.  First Lady Michelle knows that her husband is well-rounded in not only his career, but in the rear-end as well.  She can rest assured that she’s the only one who has permission to latch onto the Presidential Posterior whenever she wants to.

Jealousy is an ugly emotion, and the American women (and about 10% of men) are all feeling it.  Barack Obama has restored our faith that a person can run the country and look hot while doing it.  On behalf of all of us, thank you, Mr. President.  Thank YOU.

As early as June, we were all thinking, “What’s going on?” when celebrities starting dropping like flies.  Considering that death rates are normally higher in the winter, it seemed odd that everyone famous appeared to be at risk.  It was a time when the non-famous were thankful for anonymity.

In early May, Dom DeLuise died.  It was sad, everyone liked him, and no one knew that it was the beginning of a most unusual Hollywood trend.  June saw the macabre, scandalous passing of David Carradine.  Ed McMahon died soon after.  But, at 72 and 86, at least they had lived full lives.

Then Farrah Fawcett passed.  Young, but with cancer, so we were more saddened than surprised.  Her death had not even been mourned when the whopper hit.

One Trend Michael Jackson Would Gladly Have Passed On.

Michael Jackson was dead at age 50, steeped in controversy, and all over every website, newspaper, TV station, social network, and conversation.  The scandal rages on with sister LaToya’s announcement that it was murder and not a simple drug overdose.  During this terrible time, at least someone had the foresight to save burnt locks of Jackson’s jheri-curl to have them turned into diamonds at the right time.  No one found his death funny, but it was a symptom of a serious problem:  was the world going to run out of celebrities?

The only person who was probably grateful was South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford, whose infidelity and running off to Argentina—all the while writing embarrassing bad love emails—was news for about 300 seconds until Michael Jackson was found dead.

Then pitchman Billy Mays, also 50, died with cocaine in his system.  It made the news.  Barely.

Then the man who reported news, who made news respectable, Walter Cronkite left us.  Some other famous newspeople died during this time, too.  But they weren’t even blips on the collective media radar.  We were still being bombarded with Michael Jackson death updates.  We even got to see his ghost wandering through Neverland Ranch.  About a zillion times.

Then movie writer and director John Hughes died.  Anyone who grew up watching “The Breakfast Club”, “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off” and “Sixteen Candles” felt this one.  He was giving a voice to our generation.  He was only 59 and scandal-free.

Les Paul, electric guitar god, passed in August, along with Eunice Kennedy Shriver and Edward Kennedy.

No one was safe.  Musicians, directors, actors, product pitchmen, sidekicks: they were heading up or down (depending on your opinion) in droves.

Dominick Dunne was 83 when he left, but Adam “DJ AM” Goldstein was only 36.

Then went Patrick Swayze, after a long battle with cancer.  The last we heard of him was that he was getting stronger and doing fine.  But that’s the way it was this summer.

Labor Day couldn’t come fast enough for Washington, DC and Hollywood.  Maybe Fall would bring something new and different.  Or at least stop the ridiculous number of celebrity funerals.

Did anything good happen this summer?  It’s hard to remember anything uplifting.  Some people got married, others had babies, but does anyone remember their names?  Other famous people split up, like Jon and Kate Gosselin, but that made for good TV and lots of entertaining jokes.  You can’t really joke about death, can’t make fun of Chris Brown beating up Rihanna.  Even Paris Hilton was able to fly under our collective radar because of the death toll.  She was free to be her vacant self and we wouldn’t notice.  Famous people could act like idiots and remain out of the news.  We were too busy checking TMZ to see who was next on the Grim Reaper’s list.

Hopefully Autumn will bring the end of Death Season and we can focus on what we really like: good gossip and Stupid Celebrity Tricks.

Hellooooooooooooo October.

Philadelphia, PA –  It’s a good thing that Hank Baskett just got married and has a baby on the way.  It’s especially lucky that he exchanged wedding rings with a former Playboy playmate, so he won’t be bored.  He and Kendra Wilkinson can enjoy their life on reality TV and kick back, and maybe somebody else will sign him before he gets really tired of hearing his new bride’s extraordinarily annoying laugh.  He has to understand that it might take more time than that, especially since most of the world said “Hank WHO?” until he got engaged to one of the chicks from that “Girls Next Door” show about her and two other blondes who all acted as Hugh Hefner’s harem.  Then he was on the cover of US Weekly.

Now we will forever know him as The Guy Who Got Pushed Out by Michael Vick.

"Baskett's Got His Playmate. Can I Just Have the Ball?"

It is important to note two things:

           1. I love animals.  I brake for animals.  I feed street cats and love emails full of cute baby animals.  I worked for the SPCA.  I consider my cats to be my children (no stretch marks, though!)  I generally prefer animals to people.

           2. I believe in second chances.  Michael Vick committed a crime, went to prison, served his time, and is now actively educating children about why cruelty to animals is wrong.  If we are to believe that our justice system can work, we have to believe that Michael Vick can be rehabilitated.  And that he was. 

That being said, it still has to be chapping Hank’s basket something fierce that the guy who got his roster spot is an ex-con.  I’m sure he has difficulty seeing it any other way.  But he became expendable when the Eagles picked receiver Jeremy Maclin in the first round of April’s draft, and then grabbed Brandon Gibson in the sixth, a roster spot was going to open up.

The fact is that Vick probably won’t be seeing that much time on the field during games.  He can’t play Sunday because the NFL suspended him for the first two games of the regular season as the final punishment for the dog-fighting ring.  After that, while Donovan McNabb nurses a cracked rib, Kevin Kolb is next in line.  Jeff Garcia has been signed to back up Kolb in case something happens to him.  Basically, a lot of people have to go down before Michael Vick is a starting Quarterback. 

When the Eagles signed him there was the expected picketing and booing.  Some fans threatened to give up their tickets, but, magically, none of them have.  After a month, Vick’s jersey was the fourth-highest seller in the NFL behind Brett Favre, Jay Cutler, and Troy Polamalu.  Considering the sales period is from April 1 to August 28, Vick a lot ground to make up, since both he and Favre joined their teams only last month, while Cutler and Polamalu have had all year to sell jerseys. 

Now Michael Vick can get back to doing what he loves: playing football.  Hank Baskett can rattle around in a large house with a domestically-impaired pregnant former Playboy model. 

Neither one is likely to be unoccupied.

While President Barack Obama was doing one of his normal interviews for CNBC, they took a little break during which some ‘off the record’ questions were asked.  Rather than continue to harp on the tired issues of health care reform or economic recovery, someone asked the President what was really on everybody’s mind:

What did he think of Kanye West’s behavior at the Video Music Awards?

Unfortunately, anyone with the intelligence of your average house plant is on Twitter.  Never was this more obvious than when ABC White House Correspondent Terry Moran released an unplanned tweet to the world.  When President Obama was asked the question—again, off the record—he responded pretty much the way the rest of the world did.  He is, after all, human.

"Health care is a mess and we're trying to repair the economy, and you want to talk about what?"

So Terry Moran, as excited as a teenage girl at a Jonas Brothers concert, accessed the ”Twitter-verse”, and quickly wrote “Pres. Obama just called Kanye West a ‘jackass’ for his outburst at the VMAs when Taylor Swift won.  Now THAT’S presidential.”  Then he hit ‘send’ or ‘tweet’, or whatever. 

And everyone immediately took to their other favorite way to not talk to live humans, ever: Facebook, where a poll had been placed asking if it was okay of the President to “call out” Kanye West like that.   78% of Facebook users said they were glad Obama “called him out”.  12% said that he was right, but he shouldn’t have said anything.  9% think that the President is a jackass.  1% love Kanye still.

By this time, Moran had long since removed it from his own Twitter page, but it had been re-tweeted and bounced all over the e-world, so it’s still out there.  In the information age, you can’t call anyone a jackass without everyone on the planet hearing about it.

An ABC spokesperson released the following statement:
 In the process of reporting on remarks by President Obama that were made during a
 CNBC interview, ABC News employees prematurely tweeted a portion of those remarks
 that turned out to be from an off-the-record portion of the interview.  This was done
 before our editorial process had been completed.  That was wrong.  We apologize to the
 White House and CNBC and are taking steps to ensure that it will not happen again.

What, like making sure your correspondents aren’t screwing around on Twitter when the President is speaking?  At least password-protect the ABC Twitter page so not every idiot can post to it.

The White House has not commented on the incident, but what more can they say? President Obama is with at least 78% of the population on this one.  Kanye can apologize and wear all black and look somber and donate diamonds to the poor all day long, and it still won’t make him less of a jackass.  So it wasn’t a “presidential” thing to say.  This is the first time in a long time that we’ve had a normal person in the White House.  He reacted normally, and the combination of a President saying ‘jackass’ and the quick thumbs of some guy with a press pass created a media firestorm.

Social Networking: Embarrass yourself quickly and efficiently, to the entire world, in 140 characters or less.

New York, NY –

First, let me begin by saying that Kanye West has done some good things.  He has a foundation named after himself, one for his mother, and he has performed at some benefit concerts.  He also donated a huge Black Jesus pendant covered in diamonds for a charity auction that never took place, so he returned it to its place among his other diamond Black Jesus pendants .  And, in September of 2005, he took part in the televised Concert for Hurricane Relief after Hurricane Katrina destroyed so much of the gulf coast.  More on that in a bit.

But last night’s MTV Video Music Awards fiasco was not a surprise.  The only thing Kanye has been in the news for lately is his odd choice of girlfriend (that Amber Rose is an interesting character), and the little man clearly needed some attention.  Someone was going to be in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Do The Glasses Make It Difficult for Kanye To See Reality?

When 19 year-old Taylor Swift won the award for Best Female Video, she was so shocked that it was actually a sweet moment.  Then she took the stage and started to talk.  Out of nowhere, here comes Kanye, ripping the microphone out of the blond teenager’s hand, and saying, “Yo, Taylor, I’m gonna let you finish, but Beyonce had one of the best videos of all time.”  Then he echoed himself (“of all time”).  Taylor Swift looked like a girl stood up by her prom date.  She was crestfallen.  The camera panned to Beyonce, who looked a little horrified.  Beyonce later saved the day by giving up her speech for “Best Video of the Year” to let Taylor Speak.  Awwww…(and great PR for the diva).

But about that Hurricane Relief concert in 2005…Americans sitting in front of the television, watching that concert, saw Mike Myers and Kanye West—an odd pairing if ever there was one; close in nature to Busta Rhymes and Martha Stewart presenting an award together—getting ready to introduce the next performer.  Then Kanye opened his mouth and said, “George Bush doesn’t care about black people.”  Viewers all cocked their heads to the side like confused golden retrievers and wondered if we really heard that right.  Whether he was right or not wasn’t the issue.  It was, for the world-at-large, our first glimpse at Kanye West’s borderline Tourette’s.   There is speculation that copious amounts of Hennessey were involved.  Maybe he drank some, but that boy’s just got The Crazy.

In December of that same year, Kanye made a statement prior to the announcement of Grammy nominees that he would “have a real problem “if his album “Late Registration” didn’t win Album of the Year.  He also stated that all of his albums (that would be 3 at that point) were “classic”.  Then he compared himself to Tom Cruise.  This was at a performance at Santa Monica High School.  That’s right.  At a high school.  The Crazy, part II.

In December of 2006, when his video for “Touch the Sky” lost to Justice and Simian’s “We Are Your Friends” at the MTV Europe Music Awards, Kanye whipped out the crazy again (once again lubed up on Hennessey, it has been said) and jumped onstage while the duo accepted their award.  He grabbed the microphone and argued that his video was better because it “cost a million dollars and Pamela Anderson was in it.”  Backstage (why he didn’t get thrown out of the venue, I don’t know) he told members of the press that “…it took a month to film.  I stood on a mountain.  I flew a helicopter over Vegas…I did it to be the king of all videos.”  The King of All Crazy, maybe. And now the Tom Cruise comparison is starting to make sense.

What Kanye can’t get into his oversized head is that Whitey did not prevent Beyonce from winning Best Female Video.  The Man didn’t keep the black woman down.  The VMAs are determined by viewer voting.  Taylor Swift’s light complexion and blond hair did not guarantee her a prize of any sort.  The reality is that a whole lot of people really like her music. 

But, clearly, reality is not something Kanye West is in touch with that often.

Apologize all you want, Kanye.  Post it on your website, and—by all means—blog about it in all capital letters with many misspellings.  Call Taylor’s mother, father, grandparents, and make a video for her unborn children if you want to.  It won’t change the fact that you’ve got The Crazy, and it doesn’t make you cute, charming, or funny.  Black leaders want you speaking for them as much as the Screen Actors Guild wants Ron Jeremy to represent them.

Shut up, man.  For realz.

Rumors of Supermodel Gisele Bundchen’s pregnancy have been swarming like angry bees since she was seen on the runway in June wearing clothes larger than a hand towel.  The Victoria’s Secret angel became famous posing in teeny tiny underwear, and has been a staple at the annual Victoria’s Secret fashion show, generally held in November to boost holiday sales. 

It looks like either she’ll sit this one out or Vicky’s will be breaking some serious ground when it comes to runway shows.  Tom Brady will confirm on ESPN tonight that his wife of seven months is, indeed, pregnant.  Doing the math, it makes sense that they exchanged wedding rings in the end of February, since their little athlete/beauty is due in December.  Brady must have been doing a little victory dance—a sort of touchdown dance, but no uniform—when he realized that he and his lanky Brazilian could begin making babies.

This is Gisele, Pregnant. Do We Hate Her or What?

The couple did the same thing with the baby news that they did with their engagement.  They lied.  Or specifically dodged the truth.  But it became nearly impossible beginning in July when the super-skinny Supermodel looked like a boa constrictor after snacking on a nice fat mouse.  Of course, she was a boa constrictor in Christian Louboutins. 

Brady filmed the interview with Chris Berman already, so the cat is already out of its proverbial bag, but it will be aired tonight for the benefit of anyone who has absolutely no other access to any media of any kind and has been hiding in a dark cave for the last few months. 

Brady says that he will be happy to go to Lamaze classes with Gisele, and that thinks that men “just have to be there to support them and so it’ll be nice to do that.”

Especially in light of his ditching his then-pregnant girlfriend, Bridget Moynahan, to be with Bundchen.  He does have a role in his first child’s life, with his now two year-old son even attending his February wedding, but still.

Of course, Brady has his limits.  He can’t do Sundays.  Planning a summer birth would have been the smartest move, but people aren’t always thinking right when they really need to be, say, for example, when a naked Supermodel is standing in front of them.  Now they’ve got a baby coming during football season, which is not terribly convenient when you are the starting quarterback of the New England Patriots.  And he really shouldn’t take time off, since Gisele won’t be bringing in her regular earnings from wearing the million-dollar bra at the Victoria’s Secret show this fall.  Somebody’s got keep that kid in Gucci.

Maybe if they can manage to have Gisele go into labor on, say, a Tuesday, then it would really work out for everyone.  If anyone can figure out how to have a perfect child at the perfect time, it’s these two.  We all look forward to the arrival of their little Supermodel/Hall-of-Famer.

No one ever thought that the pairing of Amy Winehouse and the walking crackhouse that is Blake Fielder-Civil was a good idea.  Of course, as any parent knows, disapproval of your 20-something’s boyfriend increases his attractiveness by about 1000%.  Clearly, this must have played a part in the relationship, as few would look at Blake and think “wow, there’s a great catch’. 

Naturally, this drove a drunk and drug-addled Amy Winehouse to actually accept a little solitaire engagement ring from her man, and they married in 2007.  After eight months of blissful matrimony—two of which saw Fielder-Civil in jail for assault—Blake filed for divorce, citing Amy’s infidelity while on an extended vacation in St. Lucia. They were granted a divorce earlier this year during a minute-long hearing that neither Winehouse nor Fielder-Civil attended.

Are You So Anxious to Look Like This Again, Amy?

Amy’s father made no secret of his dislike of Blake.  He stated to the press that Blake had introduced Amy to crack and heroin while they were dating.  He really had no choice.  Without her being completely out of her mind, the Grammy-winning singer would have never married the pock-marked ex-con.

And then, after giving up drugs but embracing alcohol, Amy seemed to find a little clarity and peace in her ‘second home’ of St. Lucia.  It was recently revealed to the press that Amy paid £1000 for a life-saving hernia operation on a homeless man whom she saw lurking near the five-star Cotton Bay Village resort in which she was staying.  Although she is no stranger to strange, creepy men, she sent a security guard over with the cash to pay for the procedure.  It was still a lovely gesture from someone who seemed to be finding some kind of serenity and perhaps even—dare we say?—sanity.

But just last night, Mitch Winehouse, Amy’s father, got a tip from security guards that Amy and Blake were in bed together at her north London home.  Mitch showed up and allegedly threatened Fielder-Civil, saying he was going to “punch his lights out”.  The brave Romeo then begged Mitch not to hit him and left.

Evidently, after 14 months of not seeing each other at all, Amy and Blake went out for dinner and drinks.  The night ended up as expected: with the two of them at Amy’s in the wee hours of the morning.   According to contactmusic.com, “They had a great night.  Amy loved being in his company again.”

Those must have been some mighty strong drinks.

Maybe Mitch will be able to talk some sense into his daughter.  Maybe he needs to get her back to St. Lucia.  The combination of Amy and Blake is, literally, toxic.  The attraction Amy feels is a mystery.  Fielder-Civil’s corpse-like appearance and hyena-like charm are well-known.

Then again, the only reason anything about him is well known is because he managed to snag a talented singer with narcotics.  For Blake, there is only an upside.

For Amy, it’s her sleigh-ride into divorce number 2 from the same loser.

Someone get this girl on a plane to St. Lucia and revoke her ex-husband’s passport, STAT.