Sadly, Dustin Diamond is in the news again. It isn’t sad because he’s having some problems. It’s sad because we are forced to read about them. With a “Saved by the Bell” reunion show now in the works, he is in the news because he hasn’t been invited to be in it, even though he played the ultra-nerdy sidekick to Mark-Paul Gosselaar’s teen heartthrob Zack Morris.
I Will Never Forgive Him For The Things I Had To Google To Understand This.
And why? In case you haven’t been reading the tabloid or watching reality TV over the past few years, let’s just say that little, scrawny, goofy Screech turned into…Sam Kinison, without the charm and class. Or humor. Or Success.
After “Saved by the Bell”, “Saved by the Bell: The College Years”, and “Saved by the Bell: The New Class”, it seemed that Diamond had been officially typecast. He could never be anything but Screech. He attempted a career as a standup comic, but was unable to prosper in this area because he is simply not funny. Then he took up litigation, going after websites that parodied him—and there are many. He did not win even one of the suits he filed.
Fortunately, there is always room in reality television for has-beens. FOX’s “Celebrity Boxing” had become a success as we watched Vanilla Ice fight Todd Bridges and Joey Buttafuoco fight Joanie “Chyna” Laurer (former WWE wrestler). And we got to see the Battle of the Network Nerds: Dustin “Screech” Diamond versus Ron “Arnold Horshack” Palillo. Since Palillo found his fame playing a nerd in the 70s sitcom “Welcome Back, Kotter”, he was already about 50 when the fight happened, and he ended up losing the bout. Diamond was not only younger, but several inches taller and about a ton and a half heavier.
On November 5, 2003, Diamond and manager Jennifer Misner exchanged wedding rings. Or did they? In 2006, while appearing on the Howard Stern Show, Diamond referred to Misner as his ‘fiancee”. A few months later, when the couple showed up on the Tyra Banks Show, Diamond called Misner his ‘girlfriend’. Are they or aren’t they? Well, honestly, who really cares?
Misner might have, for one, when the now-infamous sex tape was released in late 2006. Despite his initial claims of innocence (in the distribution, not the video) it came to light that it was, in fact, distributed by Diamond himself and some low-grade porn peddlers called “Red Light District”. The name of the video? “Screeched”, of course. Gotta keep capitalizing on those golden years as America’s favorite little nerdling.
And then, in 2007, Diamond agreed to appear on “Celebrity Fit Club”, as he had let his scrawny geekness turn into fat geekness. He was so awful and rude on the show that Kimberley Locke, Tiffany, Maureen McCormick, and Warren G—that season’s has-beens—stormed off of the set.
To ease his financial woes, he now plans to write a tell-all book about “Saved by the Bell”, promising stories of “sexual escapades among cast members, drug use, and hardcore partying”. One publisher has already dropped the book as allegations about his former cast-mates are “unverifiable”. Those same cast-mates, however, don’t seem worried about the book. They are going about their reunion without him. It is no mystery why.
They realize what the world has for several years now. Screech is not a particularly reliable source of information.
Good luck with that comeback.