Tampa, FL – When hyperactive uber-pitchman Billy Mays died of a heart attack on June 28, it sent shockwaves through the world of infomercials. We were left wondering who would convince us that nothing cleans like Orange Glo and nothing holds like Mighty Putty. Would we be able to maintain our faith in Kaboom! or the Samurai Shark? Sure, we can buy them still in Wal-Marts and other reputable retailers, but how can we have the faith, how can we build up the enthusiasm for the product, how can we know that we simply can’t live without the Lint-Be-Gone without Billy Mays to tell us?
And how can we get those amazing products at such drastically reduced prices, always with something free? The mere label “As Seen on TV” in a Sam’s Club doesn’t give us the confidence that Billy’s manic fervor did.
"But That's Not All!" Sadly, This Time, It Is.
Who will take his place? The Slap-Chop Guy? YouTube sensation or not, he just doesn’t make me crave the Slap-Chop the way I did the Awesome Auger, even if I didn’t have any use for it whatsoever.
And now, more than a month after the death of Billy Mays, he still touches our lives, by giving us a FREE GIFT, MONEY BACK GUARANTEED. After already showing us the path to Mighty-Mendit, and making the path greener by using the eco-friendly green spray paint Green Now, he adds one cocaine scandal, PLUS an additional addiction to prescription drugs, ABSOLUTELY FREE.
Toxicology test at Mays’ autopsy showed cocaine, hydrocodone, oxycodone, and tramadol, as well and anti-anxiety drugs alprazolam and diazepam (Xanax and Valium to you and me).
Mays’s wife Deborah was very upset by the release of this information. After a story-book ceremony in which the couple exchanged wedding rings with each other and gave out Oxi-Clean to each of the 300 guests, Deborah stands by her pitchman. She said that she might hire an independent expert to review the findings, and that she was completely unaware of any drug use by her husband, aside from painkillers for his hip problem. She continues to believe that it was high blood pressure that took him from her.
“Given the hectic nature and pace of Billy’s life, especially during the 10 months of his exhaustive travel across the country, it was not surprising to hear that hypertension was the cause of his death,” she said in a statement released post-autopsy.
Perhaps it was that schedule that made the lovable salesman in his blue work shirt, brown beard, and distinctive, honest voice turn to stronger drugs to keep him going. Everyone knows that celebrities are offered drugs all the time. It’s a slippery slope. One minute, you’re in the limelight, selling “What Odor?” on the Home Shopping Channel, and the next minute, you’re sharing the High Rollers Suite at Promises with Robert Downey Jr. and Scott Weiland.
Who will take his place? For Deborah, there is only one. The rest of the nation turns its lonely eyes to you, Vince Shlomi, Master of the ShamWow and Slap-Chop. Hopefully, that incident with you beating up a prostitute won’t interrupt your career as the Great White Hope of pitchmen.
4 a.m. won’t be the same without you, Billy Mays. We know that during our sleepless nights, you were always there for us, telling us the product we needed for only $19.95.
But were we there for you, Billy, when you needed us?