I Am Not A Celebrity, Get Me The Remote!
Luckily for us, NBC has given us a reason to shut off the television and, oh, I don’t know, read a book or something. With yet another rip-off of a British reality show, network television has given us “I’m A Celebrity, Get Me out of Here!”
To Heidi, "hiking boots" means "only THREE-inch heels".
First of all, as with all of these celebrity shows, I spend an hour on the internet trying to find out who most of these ‘famous’ people are. We all know the camera-hungry fame-whores that are Spencer and Heidi Pratt. Janice Dickinson was brought back into the public eye after years of obscurity by being on two other reality shows: VH1’s “The Surreal Life” and “America’s Next Top Model”. Sanjaya Malakar is famous for being on another reality show as well: “American Idol”, and for having interesting hair. Stephen Baldwin is an actor who has actually been in films, so no one really knows how he got onto Reality TV Radar. Lou Diamond Phillips was in films, but no one has really seen any of them since “La Bamba”. Mostly we remember that his wife left him for Melissa Etheridge. Then there’s some other people, too. Patti Blagojevich is recognizable only because she a got a wedding ring from former Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich, who was unable to be on the show after a Federal Court denied him permission to leave the country. Ouch. Then, lastly, there is a comedy duo known as “Frangela”, and a woman bodybuilder/wrestler/WWE star called Torrie Wilson.
[A brief aside and shout-out to the WWE for giving us so much to work with: What would reality television be without the token WWE star? Did Chyna not make us tune in to watch her drunkenness and random nudity on “The Surreal Life”? Need I even mention what Hulk Hogan and his family have done to widen the horizons of reality programming?]
So where does John Salley fit into this? John was an NBA superstar. His time with the Detroit Pistons and Chicago Bulls allowed him to retire while still on top, and with dignity. But oh! How the mighty have fallen. Reduced to a highly-ridiculed reality show? What could have caused this?
We now return to the Heidi and Spencer saga, already in progress. They have threatened to quit the show a few times—the first before filming even began, because Spencer didn’t think the stars of the show were famous enough to be in his company. He was, however, looking forward to premiering his rap video on the first episode of the show. No, seriously. He made a rap video. He’s a hardcore gangsta, yo. And the title of the song? “I’m A Celebrity, Get Me out of Here”. On pure principle, that video will not be posted here. Pratt had earlier earned his street cred by co-starring in Mixed Martial Artist Kevin Casey’s rap video. To see the pee-yourself-laughing video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nc2N2TiKI3o
Then they threatened to quit the first day of the show, but not before Heidi looked into a tree and asked: “Is that a real monkey?”
These valiant celebrities all seem to be doing their best Survivor imitations, except, of course, for the Family Pratt. They are doing what they do best: complaining and sleeping.
Alas, this joy ride can’t last forever, and, eventually, the show will end. No worries, though. Octo-Mom Nadya Suleman has inked a deal for her own reality show.
No, seriously.