Robert Pattinson Sacrifices Shower in Rush to Cannes
Oh, Robert. Handsome, stunning Robert Pattinson. Before you became a celebrity with the release of “Twilight”, you were just the sublime-looking, clean-cut Cedric Diggory in “Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire”. So beautiful you were, and to see you taken down with the ‘Avada Kedavera’ curse in that cemetery brought tears to these eyes.
Clean-Cut Robert, With Color In His Cheeks
And then you became Edward Cullen, a young vampire beloved by a mortal girl. The “Twilight” movie rocketed you to stardom, and women and men everywhere swooned at the very sight of you, so pale and elegant and deadly. You became another sexy vampire, following the lead of Brad Pitt in the unfortunate “Interview with a Vampire”, which should have been left in print. Teenagers everywhere began sending out Flair on Facebook that said “Mrs. Cullen”, and “Bite ME, Edward”. You stopped being the human known as Robert Pattinson and were reborn as Edward Cullen. Instead of being bitten and turned into a vampire, you acted and were turned into the character you played.
Fortunately, “Twilight” was only the first in a series of books, with “New Moon” almost finished, “Twilight: Eclipse” beginning shooting in October, and a promise that the 4th book will also be made into a movie. Edward Cullen can, indeed, be immortal for quite a while. If that makes sense.
Robert Pattinson appeared in Cannes for the famous film festival and was besieged by reporters. Unfortunately, it seems that he followed his normal grooming regimen which includes, evidently, not much at all. When he was a nobody playing a small role in the blockbuster Harry Potter series, he was all clean and tidy. Now, it seems that soap is to him like the sun is to a vampire. Perhaps he developed some kind of fear of bathing. Perhaps he took the compliments about his unkempt hair too much to heart and decided to let everything else go to pot as well. Unkempt, British, and sexy is possible (See “Harry, Prince”). Filthy and British, well, that’s Ozzy Osbourne. And that is NOT sexy.
The "I'm Still Drunk" Look
Why is it that someone who can afford all the spa treatments, great clothes, and diamond jewelry he wants would rather look like a homeless drunk?
Fortunately, Robert has signed on to work with the positively delectable Hugh Jackman on a 19th-Century epic called “Captives Unbound”. No matter how gay-porn that sounds, it is a real movie with a huge budget. He will get to maintain his pale complexion, but he will, certainly, need to have a shower. If I were producing the movie, I would demand that there be a “daily bathing” clause in his contract.
Thing is, we love him anyway. We can’t get enough of Robert Pattinson. He’s even been given the official “I’m A Celebrity” nickname: R-Patz. You know, like J. Lo without the double-sided tape. Hopefully, his talent and fame will outlast the “Twilight” series, and he will continue to look gorgeous in front of a camera for years to come.
Right now, I just want to push him into a sudsy swimming pool. I’m sure women—and men—everywhere would thank me.