Speidi Wedding Eclipsed by A Naked Man
Because I would rather stick needles in my eyes and red-hot bamboo under my fingernails than talk about the made-for-the-media event in which fame-whores Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag evidently exchanged REAL wedding rings, I will, instead, talk about a naked guy.
During the Coachella Valley Music and Arts Festival last week, things got rowdy. Celebrities showed up to see the likes of Paul McCartney, The Cure, Morrissey, The Killers, Groove Armada and Public Enemy. Regular people showed up to see celebrities watching bands. They were not disappointed. Reese Witherspoon, Jake Gyllenhaal, DJ AM, David Hasselhoff, Dita von Teese, and Zach Braff were all there.
Also in attendance were Paris and Nicky Hilton and Tara Reid, undoubtedly in a competition to see Who Can Be The Most Naked.
Alas, they were outdone. By a long, long way. So to speak.
"Jethro, I think we're too dressed up for this here event."
Outshining all of the performers, all of the celebrities, and all of the festival hoopla was the Naked Wizard. On April 17, 23 year-old Jonathan Felch of San Luis Obispo, realized that clothing was too restrictive for the event and decided to go native. Ceremonially tearing off his tie-dyed purple wizard’s robe, he revealed to the world…everything. So many people were standing around with video cameras that not a moment of young Jonathan in all his glory has escaped every media outlet possible. A simple google search of ‘Coachella’s naked wizard’ yielded over 525,000 results.
And the reason? Jonathan really, really wanted to be naked, but the police, really, really wanted him to stop.
Clearly under the influence of some mind-altering substance, Jonathan told the officers, “It doesn’t have to stop”, all the while avoiding their latex-gloved hands.
One of the officers told him, “You can still have a great time—but you can have an even better time if you put your clothes on.” Yeah, right.
Determined to remain in his birthday suit, Jonathan tried to evade the grasps of the officers. Then they tased him. They tased him so many times that it was difficult to count, even after watching the video more than once. One of the officers drove a knee into the belly of the Naked Wizard as he lay on his back on the grass, having been tased into submission.
The crowd booed the police officers, giving water and encouragement to Jonathan, and taped every second of the event. Eventually, the Naked Wizard was taken into custody, arrested, and released.
Somewhere out there is a mohel with a very unsteady hand.