Paris Hilton has dated…well…everybody. Although the heiress claims that she has only been intimate with ‘a couple of men’, she probably says that like A-Rod says ‘I only took steroids a few times’. Lately, she has been seen with some guy named Doug Reinhardt, who was a complete nobody until he appeared on the MTV reality show “The Hills” as a love interest for Lauren Conrad. To increase his fame, he then asked Lauren’s friend out on a date. For a while, he was all hot and heavy with actress Amanda Bynes, who has been in many films that 4 or 5 people have seen. But what the heck, it got him into People magazine and US Weekly. Mission accomplished.
This Is How She Sucks The Life Out Of You.
Now Young Doug has scored himself the PR-powerhouse of all time: Paris Hilton. The two, after dating for six whole weeks, are ready to settle down. Evidently, Doug has already bought a giant engagement ring for his beloved, and spoken to Papa Hilton to ask permission to marry Paris. If every man who wanted a shot at Paris called Rick Hilton first, the man would have to have his own calling center, perhaps 1-800-DoParis. Evidently, a source says, “Doug is smitten with Paris and wants to spend the rest of his life with her…and is now waiting for the right time to pop the question.” Evidently, that perfect spot is to be Chateau Marmont’s Bungalow 3. I guess it shouldn’t come as a surprise to Paris that she is about to get another marriage proposal. She has more engagement rings than most people have underwear—which, ironically, Paris apparently has none of.
Doug has been showering Paris with gifts—because that’s what she really needs. After all, nothing says ‘I love you’ like a $10,000 teacup Pomeranian puppy. A person might ask: ‘Why would someone as young and handsome as Doug Reinhardt want to marry the ultimate in Used Goods that is Paris Hilton?’ Well, because no one knew who he was until he started bagging famous chicks, and we were all ready to totally forget him and his 5-minute professional baseball career until he got sucked into the vacuum of Paris Hilton.
Doug, who was famous for dating a few people who were sorta famous, needed a media boost. Paris, who is famous for dating Rick Solomon, Travis Barker, Prince William, Benji Madden, Oscar de la Hoya, JC Chasez, Nick Carter, Jared Leto, Nick Lachey, Deryck Whibley, Fred Durst, Joe Francis, Adam Levine, Val Kilmer, Matt Leinart, Jason Shaw, Colin Farrell, Criss Angel, Adrian Grenier, Andy Roddick, Gerard Butler, Paris Latsis, Scott Storch, Stavros Niarchos, Barry Zito and maybe even George Clooney (you can take a breath now), needed another engagement ring (It’s been months since she got one). She has kept herself in the media by wearing teeny tiny clothes, talking like a child and dating any man who is famous and has a pulse. The only times she dated the non-famous, they happened to be obscenely wealthy (Sorry, Paris Latsis and Stavros NIarchos, but we didn’t know who you were until you were next to her).
Doubtless, the two will get engaged. After all, she’s been engaged to Jason Shaw, Paris Latsis, Nick Carter, and (I think) Stavros Niarchos. What’s one more engagement ring, one more romantic getaway, one more broken promise of forever.
The first question is: will she return the ring? The second is: does she return the little dog, too?