Diamonds, Engagement Rings & Diamond Jewelry in popular culture

No one read this news without the same thing in mind, however briefly.  Method Man, member of the Wu Tang Clan and notorious advocate for the legal and constant use of marijuana, seems to have misplaced his tax forms since, um, 2002.  And the IRS was vigilant.  They sent those forms and reminder letters like clockwork, but Method Man didn’t seem to notice them.  He probably walked right by the mail on his way to pillage a box of Chips Ahoy.  Hey, it can happen.

"Dude, Remind Me That I've Gotta Pay...um...what?"

As a rap artist from the era of “bling bling”, before it was called “ice” and before they settled on “diamonds”, Meth has a huge collection of diamond jewelry.  Diamond-covered pendants, an IceTek Quintempo II watch, and huge diamond bracelets were his trademarks.  In addition, he is known to have spent $40,000 on a diamond bracelet for his (at the time) 3-year old daughter.   Money is not an issue for him.  Not for years.  Remembering that the government wanted a piece of that is another story.

Then, a few days ago, the police came a-knocking with a tow truck to repossess his 2008 Lincoln Navigator.  Rumors that the rapper was in financial trouble began swirling.  Method Man’s response: he laughed.  Natch.  In an interview from the set of a video from his upcoming album, Meth explained exactly what happened, saying, “Myself, I’m a pothead.  It’s no secret.  Everyone knows that.  I go on the road and forget everything else.  Sure [the IRS] sent letters to my house saying ‘We need this money’.  They started sending them in 2002.”

–a sigh of relief as we realize that Method Man still has his long term memory–

The rapper went on to explain, “Now I’m thinking we’ve gotta get our truck back, which means I have to get all my paperwork together.  That means going through the mail, ‘cuz I got mail like woah.”  He laments that he was unable to just write a check at the time that the police showed up and avoid the temporary loss of his Navigator.  But that’s not how it works.  The repo men do their job.  The IRS needs to get the money directly.  Meth claims to have the money, saying that “I’ve found checks from 2005 that have never been opened yet.  And we’re talking a significant amount of money!  But I never opened the [IRS] letters.” 

We can assume that Meth was otherwise occupied, playing video games for 8 hours straight and getting distracted by, well, anything.  When being interviewed by the New York Daily News, the reporter referenced the Afroman song “Because I Got High”.  Method Man laughed, saying, “Exactly!  Because I got high, I forgot to pay.  It was stupid.  I’m an idiot for that.”

Fortunately, Method Man’s career is still picking up speed as his new CD is getting ready to drop and the acting roles keep coming.  Hopefully, he will have someone remind him where to be.  But if he’s driving, be patient.  He’s probably going really, really slow.

Danny Bonaduce was considered cute once.  Then he got older and no one gave a rat’s behind about the Partridge Family or how happy they were.  He milked the whole child-star thing as long as he could, making all the same mistakes, doing all the same drugs, having all the same near-death experiences and run-ins with the law, and yet…

"Will Take Off Shirt To Stay Relevant."

We had no idea, because we didn’t care.  Until VH1 started this series called “Where Are They Now?”  By that time, some faceless guy named Danny Bonaduce had become something of a radio sensation in Los Angeles because he has a very good voice for radio.  He liked talking about drinking and drugs, and how he liked drinking and doing drugs, and all of his guests were invited to come and listen to him talk about himself and perhaps get a word in edgewise, if they were vigilant and cared.

Fortunately, Danny’s self-destructive nature made for good listening, and, VH1 assumed, good television.  So the former child-star scored himself a reality show called “Breaking Bonaduce”, in which only the most horrific of scenes were edited into the show.  There had to be some down time in between the obsessive workouts and steroids and drinking and hitting on women he wasn’t married to, but none of those moments made it to the small screen.  And that’s just how he wanted it.  He liked being the bad seed, being shown so drunk that he called his wife, swearing at her after he had spent an evening surrounded by chicks who were not her.  He liked laughing about how he couldn’t and wouldn’t stop the drinking and the drugs. 

Of course, he went to rehab, and that was all televised as well.  He learned so much at rehab that it took him maybe weeks to relapse.  His wife, who we could have felt sorry for had she not married him the night they met (she wouldn’t sleep with him until they were married, so he married her right then), finally grew the stones required to get rid of him for good—after 16 years.

Now, less than six months after his divorce was finalized, Danny, 49, has given an engagement ring to girlfriend Amy Railsbeck, 26.  The romantic proposal came as every young girl dreams it would: with a diamond and ruby-studded skull-and-crossbones ring.  Ah, sweet romance.  Evidently, Danny proposed several times during their courtship during the last few years (his divorce was when, again?), but never with a ring.  Railsbeck has said that, “He promises to get me a grown-up engagement ring and wedding ring when we get married.”  Dare to dream, Amy.  But don’t hold your breath. 

The blushing bride-to-be, who is a younger version of Danny’s ex, has said that she would prefer an intimate ceremony, although she doesn’t know when it will happen.  She has told friends that, “I’d want a smaller ceremony and I’d invite my closest friends, and of course his family and siblings.  Maybe 12 people, tops.”  If I were marrying Danny Bonaduce, I would only want ’12 people, tops’ to know about it, too. 

Good news for ex-wife Gretchen, who now, no longer enslaved by Bonaduce’s obsession with redheads, can go back to her original color for the first time in almost 2 decades.

Paris Hilton has dated…well…everybody.   Although the heiress claims that she has only been intimate with ‘a couple of men’, she probably says that like A-Rod says ‘I only took steroids a few times’.  Lately, she has been seen with some guy named Doug Reinhardt, who was a complete nobody until he appeared on the MTV reality show “The Hills” as a love interest for Lauren Conrad.  To increase his fame, he then asked Lauren’s friend out on a date.   For a while, he was all hot and heavy with actress Amanda Bynes, who has been in many films that 4 or 5 people have seen.  But what the heck, it got him into People magazine and US Weekly.  Mission accomplished.

This Is How She Sucks The Life Out Of You.

Now Young Doug has scored himself the PR-powerhouse of all time: Paris Hilton.  The two, after dating for six whole weeks, are ready to settle down.  Evidently, Doug has already bought a giant engagement ring for his beloved, and spoken to Papa Hilton to ask permission to marry Paris.  If every man who wanted a shot at Paris called Rick Hilton first, the man would have to have his own calling center, perhaps 1-800-DoParis.  Evidently, a source says, “Doug is smitten with Paris and wants to spend the rest of his life with her…and is now waiting for the right time to pop the question.”  Evidently, that perfect spot is to be Chateau Marmont’s Bungalow 3.  I guess it shouldn’t come as a surprise to Paris that she is about to get another marriage proposal.  She has more engagement rings than most people have underwear—which, ironically, Paris apparently has none of.

Doug has been showering Paris with gifts—because that’s what she really needs.  After all, nothing says ‘I love you’ like a $10,000 teacup Pomeranian puppy.  A person might ask: ‘Why would someone as young and handsome as Doug Reinhardt want to marry the ultimate in Used Goods that is Paris Hilton?’  Well, because no one knew who he was until he started bagging famous chicks, and we were all ready to totally forget him and his 5-minute professional baseball career until he got sucked into the vacuum of Paris Hilton. 

Doug, who was famous for dating a few people who were sorta famous, needed a media boost.  Paris, who is famous for dating Rick Solomon, Travis Barker, Prince William, Benji Madden, Oscar de la Hoya, JC Chasez, Nick Carter, Jared Leto, Nick Lachey, Deryck Whibley, Fred Durst, Joe Francis, Adam Levine, Val Kilmer, Matt Leinart, Jason Shaw, Colin Farrell, Criss Angel, Adrian Grenier, Andy Roddick, Gerard Butler, Paris Latsis, Scott Storch, Stavros Niarchos, Barry Zito and maybe even George Clooney (you can take a breath now), needed another engagement ring (It’s been months since she got one).  She has kept herself in the media by wearing teeny tiny clothes, talking like a child and dating any man who is famous and has a pulse.  The only times she dated the non-famous, they happened to be obscenely wealthy (Sorry, Paris Latsis and Stavros NIarchos, but we didn’t know who you were until you were next to her).

Doubtless, the two will get engaged.  After all, she’s been engaged to Jason Shaw, Paris Latsis, Nick Carter, and (I think) Stavros Niarchos.  What’s one more engagement ring, one more romantic getaway, one more broken promise of forever. 

The first question is: will she return the ring?  The second is: does she return the little dog, too?

Can we blame little Bristol Palin for calling off the engagement to her babydaddy, Levi Johnston?  Had the 18 year-old not been the daughter of the Republican Vice-Presidential candidate, young Levi would never have been strong-armed into slipping an engagement ring on his girlfriend’s slightly bloated finger.  Now the dreams of the Palin/Johnston summer wedding are packed away with the dreams of Sarah Palin being allowed within 100 yards of the White House.

"Seriously, has either of you been to a health class, or what?"

Governor Palin’s office refused to comment on the rumors of the split, stating that, “We don’t comment on the Governor’s children.”  Of course, they had plenty to say during the election, when the Governor herself stated that the horny teenagers without knowledge of birth control “are committed to accomplish what millions of other young parents have accomplished, to provide a loving and secure environment for their child.”  How committed would they have been if Mama Palin wasn’t running for V.P.?  Well, that question has now been answered.  In October, Levi said (probably from a written statement), “We both love each other.  We both want to marry each other.  And that’s what we are going to do.”  Now, he’s saying that he and Bristol decided to end their relationship ‘a while ago’.  One might guess it happened sometime around November 5th. 

Evidently, since the break-up, Bristol is making it nearly impossible for Levi to see his spawn.  Levi’s sister told Star Magazine that, “Levi tries to visit Tripp every single day, but Bristol makes it nearly impossible.  She tells him he can’t take the baby to our house because she doesn’t want him around ‘white trash’.”  Now that they are clear of the election and no longer have to put up a solid ‘family values’ front, Bristol has unleashed the crazy and is now calling her ex-fiancé ‘white trash’.   And he might be.  But that’s the same white trash that she was making a baby with less than a year ago. 

I’ll bet Michelle and Barack are waiting only a few more years before they are ready with a banana and a Trojan to explain to Sasha and Malia exactly how to avoid just such a situation. 

Soon, Sarah Palin will be nothing more than the woman who can see Russia from her house.  Bristol will be another crazy babymama in Wasilla, and Levi will be…who is he again?

Evidently, the best way to keep yourself afloat during economic hard times is (drumroll, please) squeezing out a litter of children.  Welfare OctoMom Nadya Suleyman is simply raking in the dough since she gave birth to her gaggle.  Even though she has been dropped by not one but TWO publicists because she is “nuts”, she is still bringing home piles of cash.  Since the birth, she’s been making “$15,000 here, $25,000 there”, according to one source.  She gets paid for interviews, of course, and probably charges by the fetus.  On a recent shopping spree, she was seen gabbing away on a cell phone, wearing hundreds of dollars in new clothes, and some nice new shiny diamond jewelry. 

Justifying Her Personal Bailout Package

Although she told Dr. Phil that she wouldn’t be appearing in a porno film (the possible names keep springing to mind), although she was offered a million dollars to do one.  She is, however, putting the video of the multiple births up for sale.  TMZ was contacted to see if they wanted in on the bidding.  To be honest, I covered my eyes in middle school when forced to watch “The Miracle of Life”, so the idea of watching the Grand Canyon of women erupting forth with younglings is a little stomach-turning.  But there are, evidently, many bidders for just such a video.  It was taken by a family friend, Suleyman says, so the older six children could watch.  Evidently, they found it boring.  Perhaps “horrifying” would have been a better choice of words.

Suleyman, as an unemployed 33 year-old college student, is entitled to $5,000/year per child.  All fourteen of them.  Plus, she recently scored a fancy new house for herself, evidently being financed by the owners but paid for by her Dad.  Now she’s coming in with all of this cash to buy expensive clothes, shoes, and jewelry, but she’s still receiving welfare benefits.  This may be why California is in such a deep financial crisis.  Why work when the state can not only support you, but pay for you to be implanted with a herd of kids? 

Suleyman’s father, who is allegedly paying for her new digs, went on Oprah, calling his daughter “irresponsible” and questioning her mental health.  Duh.  He probably paid for the house with the money from that appearance.  Those kids gotta get paid for somehow.  Why should they be punished just because their mother is a baby-making lunatic?  Besides, she’ll probably get rich from all of this.  Hopefully, the State of California will stop paying her when they realize that she’s making more right now that 98% of working Americans.

Mel Gibson, having stepped out of the public eye following his DUI and its resulting misogynistic, anti-Semitic rant picked up by every news station, newspaper, website and blog on the planet, is making an attempt to fix his image.  Yet he appeared on the Jimmy Kimmel post-Oscar show looking, well, demonic.  Having offended Jews worldwide not only with his depiction of them in his blockbuster “The Passion of the Christ”, but also with his drunken ranting at Malibu PD, it is no great mystery why he chose Jimmy Kimmel.  It’s kinda like the Grand Dragon of the KKK going on BET.

Thanks For Appearing On The Show, Lucifer.

Following the success of his Jesus movie, Gibson even went on to license “Passion Jewelry”, where his fans are still able to buy a tasteful Crown of Thorns pendant, or a lovely 1 3/16 inch NAIL (presented in an elegant velvet jewelry box, of course).  Such a shame that Mel’s fans might not have known about this before Christmas, and they were forced to buy less Jesus-centric silver jewelry elsewhere.

Now, Gibson is getting ready to go back on the big screen in a new movie called “The Edge of Darkness”, but the trailer he brought with him was called “The Colonel”, in which he dramatically portrays Colonel Sanders of Kentucky Fried Chicken.  In the video, he returns to his plantation to find his wife dying.  With her last breath, she hands him a chicken leg and says something about the original recipe.  It was meant to be overly-dramatic, self-deprecating, and charming, so we could all see how Mel Gibson is not a monster, that he’s really just a funny guy.  So the facial hair was for the video.  He could have shaved before appearing on television.  Instead, he showed up looking like the devil.  Good thinking, Mel.

During the interview, Gibson was asked about the call he made to Britney Spears after her famous meltdown.  He said that he felt for her, that she was going through a tough time, and that she was “close to being stoned” by the media (he carefully avoided use of the term ‘flogged’).  He thought that, by reaching out to her, he could give her some guidance and help.  He off-handedly mentioned Heath Ledger as well.  When Kimmel pressed him a bit on this, Gibson said that he should have called Ledger a long time ago, but that nobody could have really seen this coming and he truly believed that it was an accidental overdose that killed the actor.  The implication that a phone call from Mel Gibson can bring you back from the brink of insanity or prevent a drug overdose is, well, clearly “Mel Gibson Thinking”. 

If his goal was to make himself more likeable and charming to the world at large, I’m afraid that His Mel-ness failed, and that nothing short of a time machine to take him back to his Lethal Weapon days can do that.  At least in the Lethal Weapon series, the writers and directors focused his bat-snot-craziness and megalomania, turning it into box office gold.

Somebody needs to make sure Mel Gibson gets the memo that making a movie about the Christian Messiah does not necessarily make you the Christian Messiah.

Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon were seen leaving a medical clinic last week, reportedly seeking help in their quest to breed.  Evidently, having Nick to boss around isn’t enough for the chest-baring diva, so she wants a Little Mariah as well.  The couple, who exchanged wedding rings on April 30, 2008, has been trying “the regular way” for almost a year, and is now seeking the help of a pre-natal specialist.

Mariah's Baby-Quest: At Least She's Used To Having Things Implanted.

While visiting the Southern California Reproductive Center, Mariah was dressed in her traditional skin-tight, breast-focused, off-the shoulder best, while Nick wore a suit.  Perhaps they were trying to convince the doctor that they are ready to be responsible parents.  Or perhaps they wanted to show that Mariah is clearly prepared to carry several pounds of extra weight on her torso. 

According to a source close to Carey, “Mariah longs to be a mother and she’s not the type of person to wait for what she wants.  She always envisaged being a mother in her thirties…”  While Mariah, who turns 39 this month, might not make her deadline, “she’s working Nick very hard to at least get some happy news before she turns 40.”  Poor Nick.  He’s probably gotten so used to being told what to wear and how to act that he’ll be jealous when Mariah’s attention is turned away from him and onto a baby or two.

The clinic they visited is the same one the J. Lo went to, and it clearly worked for her, so Nick and Mariah were all smiles when they were seen leaving.  Certainly, multiples won’t be a problem for Carey, who proudly carries around her current twins, displaying them to God and everyone.  And Nick, well, it’s become clear that he’ll do whatever Mariah wants, as he has been more-or-less reduced to a dog-carrier and stud horse. 

But who will carry the dogs once the babies are born?