Diamonds, Engagement Rings & Diamond Jewelry in popular culture

Cute-as-the-dickens “High School Musical” couple Vanessa Hudgens and Zac Efron has, evidently, made plans to get married during 2010.  While on a trip to Japan last month, 21 year-old Zac proposed to Vanessa, and is rumored to have given her a promise ring to seal the deal.  Because the couple is so young—and, presumably, because Zac digs boys—Vanessa’s mother expressed concerns about the two living together.  Zac’s rational solution: wedding rings!

Yeah, Lots of Straight Guys Look Like This And Spend This Much Time On Their Hair.

This certainly wouldn’t be the first time a Hollywood couple married, despite both parties being attracted to the same sex.  We’re talking about YOU, John Travolta, Matthew Broderick, and (duh) Tom Cruise.  It must actually be kind of nice, to be able to shop together, cuddle, and talk about boys with your husband.  The sex thing has got to be a total drag, though. 

Zac is really much more pretty than he is handsome, and he is certainly not rugged.  Evidently, before the couple went to the birthday party of Vanessa’s younger sister, Zac threw a hissy fit when he realized that he had a pimple on his face (Star Magazine).  The source went on to say that “he just flipped out.  He knew there were a bunch of girls at the party who worship him and he didn’t want them all staring at his pimple.” 

Zac was inconsolable, and “Vanessa told him to stop being a sissy and freaking out when he gets blemishes”.  She was only able to calm him down when she let him use her concealer.  Although I’m sure it helped dry a few of Zac’s tears, it had to really tick him off , knowing that he is totally a summer and Vanessa is totally a winter.  I mean, the poor guy had to be in a Cover Girl meltdown.  His experience with blending must have come in handy. 

 Vanessa has until sometime in 2010 to either decide to act as full-time beard for her man, or to experience dating someone who takes less time to get ready than she does.  She’s young.  She still has plenty of time to date gay men.  After all, it is Hollywood.

Marko Jaric, who had been quoted by People Magazine as saying: “I was not the person to fall in love easily.  I am a little difficult from that standpoint”, has managed to put aside his ‘difficulties’—to marry Victoria’s Secret supermodel Adriana Lima.  The two eloped to Jackson Hole, Wyoming (I’m assuming every place else on the planet was booked), where they exchanged wedding rings in a private civil ceremony on February 14.  Awwwww.

Yeah, This Guy Just Married Adriana Lima.

Lima became famous not only for her freakish beauty, but also her religious belief that sex in only for marriage, and that she would remain a virgin until her wedding night.  If she maintained these beliefs, it is a miracle that Jaric waited through nine months of dating to propose in June of last year, and until this Valentine’s Day to get married.  On the other hand, he has something to brag about from now until the end of time.

They also plan to have another wedding this summer.  Says Adriana: “We are really looking forward to a big romantic wedding this summer with all of our friends and family”.  They are looking into holding the next ceremony in either her native Brazil (of course) or his native Serbia.  This news gives further hope to all funny-looking professional athletes (Jaric plays for the NBA’s Minnesota Timberwolves).  It proves that the most beautiful women in the world don’t necessarily want to be with the most beautiful men in the world—as long as the man is a professional athlete or musician and makes a gigantic salary. 

How we would like to believe that it is more than that, that this is a love that will last forever.  And it might.  It could also be that Marko Jaric was just tickled to bag a babe like Adriana Lima.  He said that his previous problems with falling in love were no longer an issue, and that “Now, it’s a little different situation.”

Really?

Maybe that ‘little difference’ is that his wife is known for looking stunning while parading on catwalks in lingerie.  Maybe that ‘little difference’ is her much-storied virginity.  Maybe the ‘little difference’ it that, while he sleeps next to Adriana Lima, teenaged boys all over the world will be locked in their bathrooms with only the Victoria’s Secret catalog to keep them company.

We’ll see how Adriana fares while visiting Jaric during the winter months in Minnesota.  I hope she remembers to bring a warm jacket.

The outrageous phenomenon that is octoplet mom Nadya Suleman has taken ‘out of control’ to a new level.  We were able to look the other way when the already-on-welfare mother of six used in-vitro fertilization to conceive her new litter.  We let it slide when she suddenly had her Angelina Jolie-style lip injections.  We tried to ignore it when we realized that she still lives with her mother and plans to move the latest gaggle of tax-funded younglings into the three-bedroom house as well.

Herein Lies A Boatload of Crazy.

And then…she set up her website.  TheNadyaSulemanfamily.com was set up to accept Visa, MasterCard, American Express, Discover, and (of course) PayPal.  She also provides a mailing address if you’re just in the mood to shove some cash into an envelope.  If she gives her home address, then she is as stupid as, um, someone without a job who decides to have fourteen children.  Never mind. 

Shortly after the website was set up, morons from around the globe were free to send donations so (God forbid) Ms. Suleman wouldn’t have to get a job.  Some people have actually offered financial support and donations of diapers and baby wipes.  Companies hoping to cash in on the media frenzy have offered cars and baby furniture (I should have put money on that—see previous post).  To celebrate the idiocy of the public at large, she went to Nordstrom and treated herself to some MAC cosmetics.  No generics for this breeding machine.  She evidently wants to look GOOD, despite her claims that she hasn’t had sex in eight years.  I guess it’s how she looks to herself that counts.  It better be, because, after a few weeks for the planet to absorb the information about the Ultimate Mom-On-The-Dole, people are starting to get a little irritable.

According to Mike Furtney of the Killeen Furtney Group, an LA public relations firm that represented Nadya Suleman until last week: “I don’t think anyone anticipated this response”.

Duh.

Evidently, while representing her, Furtney got nasty comments and both phoned and emailed death threats.  Her website was briefly taken down after more than 65,000 emails—most of them negative—caused the server to crash repeatedly (USA Today).  California Senator Sam Aanestad notes that, “The outrage we’re hearing in our office is from regular people trying to raise their families in a poor economy”, especially when the State of California will end up footing the bill for her hospital bill and future expenses.  Currently, the state pays her $490 each month in food stamps and Social Security disability payments. 

Suleman–a single mother (she really needs a term of her own to describe this situation)–did, in fact, exchange wedding rings with a man she met while in college.  Ironically, it was her inability to conceive that ended the marriage.  Then she met a bonehead in a bar and decided that she didn’t like him enough to date him, but he was a perfect source of DNA.  He has never met any of the products of their scientific union.  That man—David Solomon—is sitting somewhere right now, drinking a beer, wiping his brow and knowing that he totally dodged a bullet by not getting into a relationship with Her Royal Craziness.

As far as dating in the future goes, Suleman is pensive: “Boyfriends?  I think I’d have to be extremely selfish.  I cannot maintain a social life and be a mother.”

That would be selfish indeed.

Attractive, normal couples are so dull.  Hollywood is full of beautiful people pairing up for a while, being endlessly photographed, and then breaking up in front of the whole world before they each move on to their next beautiful person (or record/movie producer).  When a beautiful person and a hideous person pair up, that’s a little more interesting.  The former pairing of Marilyn Manson and Rose McGowan was utterly compelling and completely outside our realm of understanding.  But when two train wrecks find each other, well, it just puts that warm fuzzy feeling in our hearts and gives us plenty of material to laugh at (this means you, Amy Winehouse and Blake What’s-His-Name). 

If A 10-Car Pile-Up Could Smile...

Mickey Rourke, who used to be really hot when he was in “9 ½ Weeks” and “Angel Heart” in the 80s, fell completely off our radar until he resurfaced with his BAFTA-winning, Oscar-nominated performance in the movie “The Wrestler”.  When we saw him again, his face was mangled.  It was not mangled because of anything that happened during filming.  It is highly probably that Rourke’s plastic surgeon has some kind of personal vendetta against him, or perhaps it is Rourke himself who requested the same doctor that is slowly transforming that strange woman into a cat, one disastrous cosmetic procedure at a time. 

Courtney Love, who was always a sight to see, would periodically appear at events looking shockingly normal and beautiful, but would soon return to her rocker/skank look.  She has clearly had some work done, although her face is more reminiscent of an actual human, despite her pathological need to have huge lips.

Evidently, during the Golden Globes a few weeks ago, Rourke texted Love out of the blue and asked her on a date.  Evidently, they met in secret and, according to sources, “Let’s just say they didn’t stop at holding hands and a chaste peck on the cheek”.  There’s a shock, what with the two of them looking so chaste and all.  The UK’s “Daily Mirror” reports that “Courtney has quite a crush on Mickey and finds him utterly compelling.”

Rourke’s face is compelling, in that sort of ‘can’t look away from a multi-car pile-up’ way.  But he must have one heckuva sense of humor and be a really, really nice guy.  As for Courtney, well, her personality disorders are well known, so she must be compelling in some way most of us don’t understand.  Her music is good, when she’s recording.  That can go a long way.

But what if this relationship lasts?  It seems like it actually can, given the two people involved and how well-matched they are.  Will Courtney soon be sporting a skull-and-crossbones diamond engagement ring?  Will they breed?  Given their love of cosmetic procedures and injectables (don’t get excited, Courtney, we’re not talking about heroin, so quit drooling), will their offspring come out normal, or will Courtney give birth to a Cabbage Patch Doll?

It’s good for them that they found each other, cuz there ain’t exactly a line behind either one at this point.  As long as you don’t count the flies.

As the days pass, more and more details come out regarding singer Chris Brown’s assault on his girlfriend—and probable fiancé—singer Rihanna.  The couple, together since 2007, apparently got into a fight after Clive Davis’s Pre-Grammy party.  Rihanna grabbed the car keys and threw them out the window, and, after trying without success to find them, Brown ran back to the car, put his hands around his girlfriend’s neck screaming “I’m going to kill you!”.  Neighbors who heard the argument called police, who found Rihanna alone in the rented Laborghini with a split lip, bruises, and bite marks.  She was taken to Cedars-Sinai for treatment.

They'll Love Him For This In Prison.

Beginning in August of 2008, rumors of an engagement began swirling around when Rihanna was seen wearing a 20-carat princess-cut engagement ring on her finger.  Since she was wearing it on her right hand, most assumed it was just a gift or promise ring.  In January 2009, Rihanna again appeared with a new, diamond-encrusted engagement ring, this time on her left hand, and the rumors began again.  Although the couple is very young, with Brown at only 19 years old and Rihanna at 20, they have been virtually inseparable since they began dating. 

According to a source contacted by the New York Daily News, Brown began the argument when “He got a booty call.  He got a text.  Rihanna saw it and got upset.  They started to argue.”  From there, it escalated into the beat-down that resulted in Rihanna’s injuries. 

In retrospect, it seems likely that the extravagant diamond jewelry Brown gave to Rihanna might have been apologies for previous beatings, as domestic violence is seldom a one-time event, and usually starts smaller than a public beating on a well-traveled street in the Hollywood Hills.  Since the event, Rihanna has not been responding to any of Brown’s attempts to contact her.

Kanye West, who has never kept his mouth shut about anything, ever, put his two cents in about the incident.  On Ryan Seacrest’s KIIS-FM radio show Tuesday, West said “I was completely devastated by the concept of what I heard…Rihanna is so important to our culture…to pop music.  I feel like she is the most important artist in music and has the most potential…she has the potential to be the greatest artist of all time.”

While Rihanna’s popularity definitely shows her to be a great singer, West’s exaltation of her as ‘the greatest artist of all time’ might be something of a stretch.  What is most surprising about West’s statement is that he did not claim that he is the greatest artist of all time, and we should all, therefore, listen to him. 

Certainly, domestic abuse is not something to be taken lightly, and everyone is wishing only the best for Rihanna as she goes through this difficult time.  The Los Angeles Police Department is trying to do a thorough investigation, given that Kanye West is waiting for them to make a mistake, and they are still investigating the events of that night.  So far, they are still waiting for evidence to come in before they give the case to the District Attorney’s office. 

So far, Brown has lost his endorsement deals with Wrigley’s Gum, and he will no longer be featured in the “Milk: It Does A Body Good” ads, for all the obvious reasons.

Michael Phelps, after using his super-powered swimmer’s lungs to pull a fantastic bonghit in front of cameras last week, lost his endorsement deal with Kellogg’s, but still maintains deals with Visa, Speedo, Omega Watches, PureSports sports drinks, and, of course, Subway, whose business is frequented by people who have recently pulled hits and have munchies to satisfy.

A wise man once said: “The only violence a pot-smoker will commit is against a bag of Chips Ahoy.”  Perhaps Chris Brown needs to stop imitating Michael Jackson’s crotch-grabbing and semi-pornographic facial expressions (he even retained Michael Jackson’s former attorney, Mark Geragos), and sit down with a nice bag of the Wacky to relax.  I don’t think they Keebler Elves will be able to visit him once he gets to prison.

Hasn't Jennifer Hudson Been Through Enough?

Otunga became known when he competed for the affections of the controversial—and probable tranny—former “Flavor of Love” contestant ‘New York’.  After losing out on Flav’s affections twice, VH1 gave her a reality show of her own: “I Love New York”.  As with “Flavor of Love”, the first episode featured a naming ceremony when everyone gave up their real names in favor of nicknames.  The man nicknamed ‘Punk’—and the man most of the viewers liked enough to want him to lose—is David Otunga.  Only on his exit interview was his real first name revealed.  Our hearts go out to his family.

Nonetheless, Jennifer Hudson fell in love with him, forgiving his reality television transgressions, as she, too, won her fame on a reality show as well: “American Idol”.  Of course, she didn’t humiliate herself in a real-sized Barbie house vying for the love of the world’s bitchiest she-male, but reality television is reality television.  To-may-to, to-mah-to.  

To Otunga’s credit, he stood by Hudson after her mother and two other family members were murdered.  He proved himself to be a stand-up guy.  At the time of the tragedy, Hudson was with Otunga.  In Florida.  At the WWE’s training camp. 

How does a Harvard Law graduate—and attractive heterosexual man—end up courting a fame-whore tranny and aspiring to wear the colorful tights of World Wrestling Entertainment?  He appeared to be back on track after the “I Love New York” fiasco as Hudson gushed to Jay Leno the Otunga is “a beautiful guy…He’s an attorney. He went to Harvard Law School”, but the formerly-practicing attorney seems bent on a career in embarrassment entertainment.  He signed a contract with Florida Championship Wrestling, which is part of the WWE’s developmental league in Tampa.  The upside is that he didn’t need an agent to explain the legalese to him.  The downside is, well, everything else.

It’s hard to embarrass yourself more than by trying (and failing) to be the boy-toy of Flavor Flav’s rejects, but David Otunga is certainly doing his best.

Bret Michaels has now had three seasons of his VH1 reality show “Rock of Love” to find the skank of his dreams.  He has had a parade of women—all silicone enhanced and virtually brain-dead—competing, yes competing, for his love.  He has watched these lovely ladies do a competitive strip-tease, has watched them drink their faces off, and has even witnessed one woman do a shot from the body part of another woman not meant for that kind of thing.  So many times has the line been crossed from just a little gross to so disgusting my retinas nearly bleed that watching the show has become impossible.  The show is airing now, but Bret has already revealed that—try to hold in your surprise—he did not find his one true love on the second season “Rock of Love: Tour Bus”.

After the parade of silicone and stripper heels has passed and Bret finds himself alone at night, absent-mindedly stroking his wig, his thoughts turn to the one woman who really, truly, rocks his world: Jennifer Aniston. 

They Don't Pose Like This On "Friends".

 Huh? 

Not one single woman on either season of his reality tv show looked like a real, non-cosmetically-enhanced human.  They were all either young dumb blondes itching for fame or old dumb blondes itching for a chance to be near the lead singer from “Poison”.  Certainly, they were all itching, anyway.

Yet Bret woos Jennifer with these words: “I find Jennifer to be very hot, smart, funny, down-to-earth and a great actress…most importantly, she seems like someone you could take home to meet mom”.  Unless Bret’s mom has never seen his television shows, music videos, or him in person since 1981, she is probably unshockable at this point.  Once you’ve dated a porn star or two and made a sex tape with Pamela Anderson (and who hasn’t?), mom would probably be content to meet someone with no open sores.

John Mayer, who has managed to keep any escapades of his out of the news and off reality television, is Jennifer’s boyfriend.  Rumor has it that this week, as a 40th birthday present, she will receive an engagement ring from him. 
Michaels says that he respects the relationship between Jennifer and John, but “should John fall out of the picture for some reason…I’m just saying.”

Yeah.  I’m sure you’ll be the first person she calls.  Bret, you’re definitely next in line—after  Angelina Jolie’s brother.

Reality television has taken over the airwaves in every conceivable way.  Unfortunately, when MTV started “The Real World”, we began an intellectual downward spiral that has completely spun out of control.  Casting for “The Real World: Appalachia” and “Survivor: Northern Saskatchewan” can’t be too far off.  We have watched as families have swapped wives, suitors have rifled through potential dates’ belongings, and B-List celebrities have people competing in challenges to prove themselves worthy.  Personal dignity was clearly taking a backseat here. 

 And then the reality shows began giving birth to little baby reality shows.  Flavor Flav, the decrepit, tiny, ancient giant-clock-wearing rapper “starred” on VH1’s “The Surreal Life”, in which he was put in a house with other people who had once been famous for something.  When he hooked up with Sly Stallone’s ex, the engaged Amazon Brigitte Nielsen, they got their own reality show “Strange Love”.  When that didn’t work out, Flav got his own show “Flavor of Love”, in which 20 or so skanks competed for his love.  Then, the ultimate skank (and probably tranny) nicknamed ‘New York’—who failed to win Flav’s love TWICE—got her own show “I Love New York”, in which 20 or so morons competed for her bits ‘n pieces.  Are you keeping up?

After clearly running out of ways to allow real people to embarrass themselves in front of an international audience, the networks finally decided to get their hands basic-cable-worthy dirty.  “Arranged Marriage” is a new show that will follow four people who have a spouse chosen for them by either family or producers (details are fuzzy, but I’d put my money on producers, who want good tv, not good marriages. 

I'd Rather Die Old and Alone With 30 Cats.

On the show, these four people, aged 25 to 45, who have apparently ‘failed’ by not finding a suitable mate by their advanced ages, will exchange wedding rings and vows FIRST and then let cameras follow them as they begin their lives as husband and wife.  Previous shows have touched on the subject before, but never to this degree.  In Fox’s “Married by America”, viewers got to choose the future spouses of the contestants–which had to be a pathetic, embarrassing thing to watch.  None of those unions, however, turned into a ceremony with wedding rings and the actual legal marriage.  CBS starts with the vows and rings and goes from there.

Okay, so some cultures embrace this tradition.  Arranged marriages are still common in some countries.  More power to them.  Those customs have been around forever and have their place. 

That place is not on network television.  As much as the term “sanctity of marriage” turns my stomach, it wouldn’t hurt to try to maintain some of it.  Maybe some ‘dignity of marriage’ at least?  Or how about ‘freedom to choose your own life-long mate’?

Perhaps after the producers at CBS throw these people into marriages that make good tv, they can later show us the sequel: “I Shoulda Gotten a Pre-Nup”.

The magical pairing of former Playboy playmate Shanna Moakler and Blink-182 drummer Travis Barker, which mercifully ended in 2006, is back on.  We got to know them on their MTV reality show before they were married, when Shanna was just Travis’s babymama—living in his house, sleeping all day, and waking up long enough to spend his money and complain about how tired she was.  He got the pleasure of being on the road with his band most of the time, while we were glued in front of the television, unable to shut our eyes ‘A Clockwork Orange’-style as Shanna went about the business of living off of her former glory as a naked person and pawning off her children on other people.  They somehow got to the same place at the same time to exchange wedding rings on October 30, 2004. 

One Very Classy Couple.

Almost immediately, the two began fighting in that most-dignified of Hollywood ways: postings on their MySpace blogs.  They began a war of words (mostly small ones)in front of the world at large.  Travis Barker was seen making out with Paris Hilton, and Shanna was seen making out with a whole bunch of people.  Shanna had the ultimate showdown with Hollywood’s favorite party girl Paris at a nightclub, where Shanna claimed that Paris threw a drink on her.  Videos of her in front of the club calling the police were all over, making her look like, well, a washed-up drama queen.  Somehow in this situation, for the first time in human history, Paris Hilton was the one who maintained her dignity.  What there is of it.

Shanna and Travis would reunite periodically, then split again and blog about it.  Shanna needed Travis, because no one would remember her name if she didn’t marry a rock star.  And Travis needed Shanna, because he was one of those guys who probably got beat up a lot in high school but got to bag a Playboy playmate only after becoming a rock star.  Shanna’s “Dancing with the Stars” run at fame didn’t have the impact she was hoping for, so she was definitely Least Likely to Let Go.  A rock star can always find another blonde.

In September, Travis was involved in a tragic plane crash that took the lives of 4 people and critically injured both Travis and his friend—and Nicole Ritchie’s ex—DJ AM.  Shanna raced to be by her ex-husband’s side as he recuperated in a hospital in Atlanta.  Travis suffered burns on the lower half of his body—a bummer for someone reuniting with a chick who’s been in Playboy, one imagines, even if her Skank Rating has gone up several degrees since the divorce.  Nonetheless, the two seem determined to face the tragedy together.  Travis has a few more surgeries, but he tells US Magazine that “[I’m] here with my babies’ mama, my wife and my kids, and I really can’t be happier.”  Shanna, too, must be ecstatic, as she was seen wearing her wedding ring again at a Grammy Week party. 

As Moakler said so eloquently on her MySpace page: “i don’t want to be known for any of this!! ill keep my small time reality show and my dignity and keep it moving!  my marriage is just not up for entertainment anymore.”  As for her reality show, well, that’s been off the air for a while.  I’m sure Shanna, despite her inability to capitalize or properly use punctuation, will find another way to get on television again. 

Do I smell a “Meet The Barkers II”?

Madonna, following the break-up of her marriage to Guy Ritchie, seemed to become the uber-cougar by moving on to young Yankees slugger Alex Rodriguez.  It is rumored that the two were seeing each other while they were both still married to other people.  Stories about the two—being seen together in New York; Rodriguez entering Madonna’s New York apartment late at night; hostilities between Madonna and Rodriguez’s now ex-wife—were all over every newspaper, magazine, and website.  Now that both are single, and despite a Hamptons weekend getaway at Jerry Seinfeld’s estate together only a few weeks ago, it seems that Madonna, age 50, has let her ballplayer become a free agent. 

Talk of Madonna’s love of younger men began with personal trainer/baby-daddy Carlos Leon, now 42.  She exchanged wedding rings (her second trip down the aisle) with Guy Ritchie, now 41.  Along came A-Rod, another Latin heartthrob, now age 33.  With a 17 year age difference, and with Madonna’s rumored freakish obsession with youth—hers and her men’s—he had a fighting chance.

Madonna Was On Her First Marriage Before This Kid Was Born.

Until Madonna went to Brazil.  Everyone knows that they grow freakishly good-looking people there.  That, combined with everyone’s inherent Latin-ness, made it a virtual erotic playground for Madge.  It was there that she found Jesus.  During a December photoshoot for W Magazine, Madonna was introduced to the then-21 year-old fresh man-meat Jesus Luz.  Even during that first meeting, Madonna made her intentions clear by pulling the baby Jesus toward her in a provocative pose.  She then invited him to join her on the remainder of her Sticky & Sweet Tour. 

Of course she did.

And either young Jesus was drawn to Madonna because of her timeless beauty (read: plastic surgery), or because he has Mommy issues, or because he knew that he could ride the Madonna fame train all the way to the bank.  Care to venture a guess which?

To celebrate the big 2-2, Madonna flew her boy to England to celebrate with her, although no pictures exist of that tryst.  But now, just a few days ago, Madonna was seen in Manhattan having a lunch date at Marcelleria Italian steakhouse, and was later seen with Madonna and her adopted son, David Banda.  Now Jesus is meeting the family. 

After meeting Madonna, Jesus began requesting $100,000 per show, when he had been getting $225 per show prior to the divine intervention.  His former agent Sergios Mattos told the New York Post that Jesus stopped taking his calls altogether, and has now signed with Ford Models, one of the most famous model agencies in the world.  Although Mattos was initially saddened by the loss, he told the Brazilian website Glamurama.com.br that “…now I have a new Jesus (Spanish model Jesus Perez).  This is a much better Jesus, and he’s not a fan of Madonna’s.” 
Mattos better watch his back, however, if his new Jesus is younger than 22.

Madonna loves three things above all else: money, using Catholic imagery to irritate the Church, and Latin men.  Jesus Luz is a triple threat.  He’s Latin; since he’s Brazilian, he’s probably Catholic—and dating someone who left the Church to become a Jew (of all things), and the headlines she’s making about being Madonna with Jesus is making her more famous than, well…when John Lennon said it, the Catholic Church denounced him and Paul McCartney was still apologizing for it 40 years later, so we’ll just say this:

Madonna, with her young Jesus, is more famous than ever.