Bellflower, California, 90706—A California woman gave birth to eight (8) babies early this morning. This is only the second set of live-born octuplets in history, doctors say. All of the babies, who came 9 weeks before they were full-term, are doing fairly well on incubators. Three of the babies—or approximately 38% of the gaggle—required breathing assistance.
Gratuitous Picture of Multiple Piglets Dressed Like Tigers.
The woman, who has not been identified (but will be easy to find in a crowded supermarket), was shocked when, after the 7th baby was removed by c-section, there was an 8th, waiting to be discovered. According to Dr. Karen Maples, Chief of the Kasiser Permanente Hospital’s OB-GYN department, “After we got to Baby G, we were surprised by the discovery of Baby H.”
Really, where’s the surprise? Once you find out you’re having 8 babies—which had better be the result of fertility drugs—what’s one more, really? Already, you know you’re gonna have to go on Oprah or Ellen to get a free van and a lifetime supply of diapers. Several relatives will have to carry out the precious infants and display them while the mother and father feign surprise at being offered gifts that will help them support their herd for a while. Each night, the family will have to collectively pray that each child is smart enough to get a college scholarship, and that none of them will ever want to drive. As it is, the cutesy matching outfits will cost a fortune.
Men often give gifts of diamond jewelry to the mothers of their new babies. This woman ought to be getting the Hope Diamond for her efforts. On the other hand, maybe it would be best for him to save his money.
Although we have to respect a woman’s right to choose to have all eight—or, at least, the original seven—it is not advised by most doctors. According to Dr. Richard Paulson, director of the fertility program at the University of Southern California, “It’s a risky decision to have all eight babies. I would not recommend it under any circumstances” (SFGate.com). That, of course, brings us to the slippery slope of the pro-choice/pro-life debate, which nobody wants to get into.
The blessed event, which took place at 4am PST, brought a flock ranging in weights from 1.8 pounds to 3.4 pounds, which gives them a fair chance of survival. The previous pack of 8 was less lucky, with the littlest infant dying of heart and lung failure about a week after the birth. The remaining seven recently turned 10 years old, and are described by their grateful parents as “healthy and active”.
While I certainly wish the best for the new parents of this Guinness Book-worthy crew, it is still a bit of a cautionary tale regarding fertility drugs. Being surprised by a third baby might be a shock, but is still manageable. Being surprised by an eighth? Not so funny.
While the mother probably wishes to be an octopus so she would have enough arms to carry her new army, she would be unhappy to learn that a common octopus can have up to 250,000 fertilized eggs. Not even Oprah would touch that.
Maybe she should check with Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie to work on strategy.
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