It seems that Tom Cruise’s PR people have finally advised him to get a firmer grip on reality, and loosen his grip on Keeper of the Closet Katie Holmes.  Tom’s first recognizable cover was his wife of almost ten years, Nicole Kidman.  That relationship became obvious as a business decision when they filed for divorce just before the ten-year mark, when, under California divorce law, a couple’s assets may be divided evenly, regardless of any pre-nuptial agreement.  That, and they never had biological children of their own.  They adopted two.  There was speculation that Nicole Kidman didn’t want to ruin her figure, that one of them might not be fertile, and so on.  But all of Hollywood knew the real reason: Tom Cruise thinks girls are icky.

Nothing About This Looks Right.

Nothing About This Looks Right.

To combat the rumors that have followed him throughout his career, Tom unleashed a completely unbelievable—yet impressive—boatload of crazy by jumping around like a fool on Oprah (the show, not the woman), proclaiming his love for Katie Holmes.  Perhaps a slightly less girly display was in order.  Tom admitted that he had bought an engagement ring for Katie after their first date, which he had his people arrange with her people.  Does any of this sound even remotely romantic?  His over-the-top PDAs as he dragged Katie around the world brought to mind the character of Emmett from the Showtime series “Queer as Folk”.  He was almost as demonstrative a lover as our little Tom.  Then, to try to truly put an end to the persistent rumors that made their way even onto “South Park”, he and Katie had a little Scientologist of their own.  Clearly, by looking at baby Suri Cruise, Katie and Tom did mix their DNA, but we’ll never know for sure exactly how.

Tom’s PR people also recommended that he stop yanking young Katie around by the arm, showing her like a pony at the state fair.  It only added to the idea that he wasn’t so fond of women, and didn’t, in fact, know how to touch them properly.  According to Star Magazine, he was advised “to quit grabbing her by the arm and pulling her around.  The idea is to make him the kinder, gentler Tom, not a controlling husband with a Stepford wife.”

Did anyone else enjoy it when his ex-camouflage, Nicole Kidman, starred in the remake of the movie “The Stepford Wives”?  It was a role she trained ten years for, in fact.  Well, almost ten years.

Finally, Tom was warned to lay off the Scientology mumbo-jumbo for a while.  We get it.  You’re a Scientologist.  You are the mack-daddy of Scientologists, even.  But talking about it all the time is giving the entire world massive heebie-jeebies. 

So we can look forward to this ‘kinder, gentler’ (and hopefully less arrogant) Tom, who is probably training at the Rock Hudson School of Hetero Behavior at this very moment.

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