Diamonds, Engagement Rings & Diamond Jewelry in popular culture

It’s not that we don’t love the guy who played Ferris Bueller.  He was the guy we all wanted to be best friends with.  Our love for him began with “WarGames” in 1983, and only grew over time as he threw his adorable self into adorable roles left and right.  When he and Sarah Jessica Parker started dating, it was like the two cutest little people on the planet found each other.  When you exchanged wedding rings on May 19, 1997, the world sighed collectively, like when we see a new litter of puppies or fuzzy duckies waddling after their mom.

But there was one little glitch.  It was all of those rumors that flew around Hollywood—the same ones that plague Anderson Cooper and Tom Cruise.  We were all pretty sure that you were batting for the other team.  And we didn’t love you any less for it.  We just didn’t understand why you didn’t just ‘come out’ and say it.

90% of Men Would Enjoy This

And then you did.  You went on Broadway.  With Nathan Lane.  You wrote it on a great big marquee for everyone to see in bright, flashy lights, as it should be.

All while married to Sarah Jessica Parker, who we loved from “Sex and the City”.   Maybe Sarah just really adored you, and, like any good fruit-fly of a certain age, decided that you should have a baby.  And you did.  An adorable one.  Last year, the rumors started flying around that Matthew Broderick was caught having an affair with a much younger ‘stunning redhead’.  The tabloids assumed this was a woman.  I, for one, would like to know the whereabouts of Prince Harry at this time.  Hollywood insiders, however, were quick to dispel the rumors and SJP and Matthew were seen in public as a united front.  And why shouldn’t they be?  If there’s one thing SJP could rely on, it was her husband’s lack of interest in other women.  Maybe she would have been upset if he had been caught helping another woman pick out new Jimmy Choos or something from the latest line of Chanel.  But not for this.

Now, Sarah Jessica is moving out.  After 11 years together, she is looking for her own apartment and putting an end to the marriage.  According to various sources, the two have been living separate lives for a long time.  Duh.  They stayed together over the holidays to create a good family environment for their 6 year-old son.  But as soon as January came, so did the rumors that Sarah Jessica was house-hunting. 

According to “Star Magazine”, a family insider claims that: “Sarah and Matthew still do love and care about each other, they just aren’t in love”.  It is probably a good thing for all involved that Sarah moves out and gives herself to find true love.  And, hopefully, Matthew can do the same.  Whether or not he ever does anything to prove those persistent rumors true or not is still a mystery.

But I’d be looking for someone dressed as Inspector Gadget hovering around the Buckingham Palace, waiting for young Prince Harry to make an appearance.

Oh, Amy, you poor little train wreck of a woman.  That big voice of yours has created a big mess.  And now, with all the drama we’ve been reading about since the minute you and Blake Fielder-Civil laid bloodshot eyes on each other, you seem to actually be making an effort to get clean.  Again.

Didn't She Run The Orphanage in "Annie"?

And here’s this hot rugby player who we suddenly find out is an “aspiring actor”.

Oh, Amy, Amy, Amy.  How did you not see this coming?  Suddenly, every tabloid, every magazine, every newspaper is carrying photos of you in St. Lucia and talking about Josh Bowman, now upgraded to “upcoming” actor.  Before you and your drug-addled tush and drunken entourage arrived for vacation, no one knew—or cared—who this guy was.  He was about as “up and coming” an actor as the she-male who bags my groceries at the AM/PM, and now everyone has heard of him because of you.

Because of you, Amy, this no one has made himself into a someone.  At the same time as you are saying: “I’m in love again and I don’t need drugs.  Look at me, I’m glowing”, your new man is telling “The Sun” that you are “sweet—but just not my kind of girl”.

No offense, Amy, but…duh. 

Nonetheless, you happily report, as you drink yet another in a long series of fruity, tropical alcoholic beverages, that you are off drugs forever, that you would have died if you hadn’t gone on holiday to get clean, that your husband is less-than-stellar in bed, and that you are in love.  Also, regarding your husband, you said: “for the time being I’ve just forgotten I’m even married…I’ll deal with Blake when I get back”. 

Yeah, Sweet Amy, about that…

Blake saw the pictures, too, and now he’s gotten himself a divorce lawyer.  It doesn’t matter if Blake put the cocaine under your nostril and blew it into your head while you slept.  You’re still married to him and you haven’t done much to argue against his case for ‘adultery’. 

Do you remember, Beloved Drunken Amy, when you and Blake were so in love that he was going to convert to Judaism for you, but you couldn’t wait to get married so you did it very quickly in Miami while wearing a dress with little red anchors on it?  You and your new legal love Blake were snorting everything that you could find, and you happily chatted away about going to Tiffany’s to get your engagement ring re-sized after you lost too much weight.  Oh, yeah, and while you were there, you’d pick up wedding bands, which were absent at your spur of the moment ceremony.

Nothing good can come of this, easily-manipulated Amy.  This just in: Josh is now being called an “actor” and Blake is going to take half your money.

This Saturday, Fergie (of Black-eyed Peas fame) married her boyfriend of four years, Josh Duhamel, in as private a ceremony as you can have in Los Angeles.  Fergie got her 4-carat brilliant-cut engagement ring from Duhamel last Christmas, but have kept quiet about the details of any upcoming nuptials.  The two did manage to keep the exact location a secret until giant white tents went up at the Church Estates Vineyards in Malibu.  The location was “kept secret” from the guests until they arrived at a meeting spot and were taken there by shuttle.  They were asked to leave cameras and cell phones at home—like that would ever happen in Hollywood.  If guests wanted to know the exact location beforehand, looking up would have been a good plan, since helicopters hovered over the enormous white tents as they were being set up.

Fergie and Actor Guy Get Married.

Fergie, the famed singer of ultra-cool band the Black-eyed Peas, became wildly popular with the release of the band’s first major-label album, “Elephunk”.   The band was immediately popular, but lost a bit of street cred when they sissified the lyrics of “Let’s Get Retarded” to “Let’s Get It Started” for American radio.  But Fergie nonetheless caught the eye of Hollywood bachelors (and non-bachelors, even) because 1. She can sing, and 2. She’s got quite a rack.  She even dated serial-cheater Mario Lopez for a while.  Then she met actor Josh Duhamel, who had, evidently, been fantasizing about her for a long time.  While some women might find that more than a little creepy, Fergie found it endearing—perhaps leftover insanity from her days as a meth-head.  It must have been interesting for her to date some guy that no one had really heard of unless they were fans of daytime television.

Josh Duhamel, who is, apparently, an actor, began his acting career on a soap opera, and even won a daytime Emmy, an honor that ranks up there with “Miss Congeniality”.  Prior to that, he was a model, and won some sort of award for that.  In the same competition, he finished ahead of Ashton Kutcher.  Because he is good-looking, he won the challenging role of a self-absorbed Hollywood actor—something that must have been a huge stretch for him—in the blockbuster film “Win A Date With Tad Hamilton”.  How he did not receive an Oscar nod for his performance is a mystery.  The movie also starred that cute skinny kid from “That 70s Show”, and, inexplicably, Nathan Lane, who must have been really bored when he accepted that role.

Anyway, Fergie and Josh let their love blossom for a few years, getting engaged a little over a year ago, and making no secret of their plans to wed on January 10.  The actress battled pregnancy rumors when she put on a couple of pounds for a movie role.  Then she began working out like a madwoman to look perfectly emaciated for her wedding.  She warned people: “Don’t expect me to be in white.  Maybe I’ll be in black or red or purple”, which, of course, indicated that she would, indeed, be in white.  She wore a Dolce & Gabbana white gown and a veil decorated with diamonds.

In front of a ‘private gathering’ of about 300 guests—including Kate Hudson, Mario Lopez, Stacy Keibler, Kid Rock, Slash, Rebecca Romijn, Jerry O’Connell, James Caan, Molly Sims, and all the Black-eyed Peas—the couple exchanged H. Stern rings inscribed with personal messages.  Fergie received a narrow colored diamond wedding ring that was designed to match her 4-carat engagement ring.  Josh’s wedding band is made of 18-carat brushed white gold. 

In an attempt to discourage fans gathering outside the gates of the Vineyards, the couple had four gigantic speakers set up to play…the sound of crickets.  That’s one way to annoy the hell out of rubberneckers.   Inside, with all the subtlety of Hollywood, the ceremony took place with a 14-piece orchestra playing as Fergie and her 10—yes, 10—bridesmaids walked down the aisle.  It was a traditional Catholic ceremony, so the guests had plenty of time to nod off and rest up for the reception afterwards. 

Since they’ve been together so long, maybe this couple stands a chance of making it in the divorce-happy town of Los Angeles.  Our best of luck to Fergie and, um, That Guy.

Alyssa Milano, that girl from “Who’s the Boss?” and “Charmed”, has given Major League Baseball one more concern: who will its pitchers date?  The 36 year-old’s rep confirmed yesterday that Milano is engaged to her agent, David Bugliari.  Evidently, Bugliari presented the baseball-loving (literally) actress with an engagement ring on December 18, 2008.  They have been dating for over a year.

Major League Baseball's Beloved Fallen Annie.

Milano, a life-long LA Dodgers fan, is known for pitcher-hopping—a sport in itself.  She has been involved in “serious” relationships with Barry Zito (Oakland A’s at the time), Carl Pavano (Florida Marlins at the time) and Brad Penny (LA Dodgers at the time), although none of the relationships ever even got to the ‘engagement rumor’ phase.  This is because while athletes are notorious for using baseball groupies like Kleenex, they were able to maintain enough interest in someone more famous than themselves for a brief time—just not long enough to think of marriage.  Baseball player/actress marriages are train wrecks waiting to happen (see: Chuck Finley and Tawny Kitaen), and these boys knew when it was time to say “adios” and onto the next hot little Chiquita. 

Milano’s love of baseball even led her to a career outside of acting: creating a line of baseball clothing for women.  It is, evidently, available on the Major League Baseball website.  Giving credit where credit is due, Alyssa Milano has brought being a Baseball Annie to a whole, new, nearly-legitimate level.

In 2007, Milano discussed her reputation, saying “I’ve gotten such sh** about my dating choices.  Like every single article…is about how I’m the chick who dates athletes”.  Well, Alyssa, if it looks like a duck and it walks like a duck…

I’m just sayin’.

She went on to add that “I’d love to just find a good plumber or doctor”. 

Fortunately, she didn’t rule out CAA talent agents.  And she did find herself a nice Italian boy, as she did in MLB so many times.  But this one is a keeper, at least for now.  Milano has been engaged before to “Party of Five” star Scott Wolf, was married to some musician no one’s ever heard of, dated almost everyone with a pulse, and then discovered the wonderful world of pitchers.

Maybe stepping outside the box (or off the mound) will be the one thing that can make this pairing work.  Maybe this couple will reach the point of exchanging wedding rings. 

And Major League Baseball should forever declare December 18 as a day of mourning, a day when all pitchers must abstain, in honor of their fallen Annie.

The wives of athletes, with little to consume their time aside from trips to the spa and pilates classes, like to feel important.  So they find a nice little charity to work for, and then they put together a cute little cookbook of their husbands’ favorite recipes.  Although the tradition is more than antiquated and probably sets the women’s movement back several decades, it soldiers on, showing us that the wives of athletes are more than pretty faces and silicone implants—they can cook, too!

With lagging sales from their last attempt to overturn the 19th Amendment, the wives of the Dallas Cowboys looked outside their own, and decided to cash in on the fame of That Injured Guy’s girlfriend, Jessica Simpson.  Despite her best efforts, Jessica has been unable to score an engagement ring from her boyfriend of one year and sometime-Quarterback for the Dallas Cowboys, Tony Romo.  She has, however, been able to utilize those housefrau-like qualities that made her MTV reality show “Newlyweds” with her ex-husband, Nick Lachey, so popular.  Clearly having seen the show, and recognizing the unparalleled abilities Jessica has in the kitchen, the wives of the Dallas Cowboys approached her about contributing to their cookbook, although no other mere girlfriends were invited to participate. 

"I Can, Too, Cook!"

Of course, no other mere girlfriends have had MTV videos or their own reality shows.  And why do I see Papa Joe Simpson being involved somehow?  He must be turning Christian Cartwheels over his DD-Daughter being included in a cookbook for wives only.  He’s probably already shopping for the engagement ring Tony can present to his future bride.  The addition of Jessica to the wives cookbook puts more pressure on Tony Romo than any defensive line ever could.

Although Tony lists his favorite food as chicken enchiladas, the recipes that Jessica contributes are for Banana Breakfast Smoothies and a No-Fat Broccoli and Cherry Tomatoes dish.  Jessica was probably wrestling with the spelling of ‘enchilada’ for so long that the other wives told her to ‘just throw a few vegetables together’. 

“The Dallas Cowboys Family Cookbook” also includes biographies of the players, their wives, and any witty banter they might want to contribute.  Jessica lists her occupation as ‘hairdresser’, undoubtedly referring to her inevitable fate had she been born unattractive and without a pushy father.  Tony, our beloved injured player, lists his occupation as ‘fence builder’.  This can be taken two ways.  Maybe he is referring to the career he might have if he can’t get his knee to work for 2 consecutive days.  Or maybe he is referring to what he might have to do to create some space between the bedroom he shares with Jessica and the creepy, ever-seeing eyes of her intrusive father, who will probably request a guest house for himself as soon as wedding rings are exchanged. 

Should the use of Jessica Simpson as a way to sell cookbooks (the oddest combination since Ric Ocasek and Paulina Porizkova) not succeed, we can probably look forward to an all new reality show, “The Wives and Famous Girlfriends of the Dallas Cowboys”.

Bret Michaels is always searching for that one true love, the one soul that will complete his life, the one woman he will want to marry and be with at least until VH1 comes a-knockin’ again.  He is so, so much like poor Flavor Flav in that way, as they watch their bandmates marry and divorce and marry and divorce (and so on), while they are left, holding the bouquet and sniffling about loneliness to any video camera in sight.

He Totally Looks Like A Chick.

Or, he’s using a cable music channel as a de facto pimp to bring him 25 or so floozies to compete for his, um, love.

It seems that the train wreck that is “Rock of Love” is actually going on the road as Bret tries for the THIRD season to find the one woman who can fulfill his life.  And who doesn’t love a train wreck, especially when it involves numerous women with gigantic fake breasts and an unlimited amount of liquor?  Who of us can claim not to be mesmerized by the hot mess that is Bret’s bandana/hair combo? 

After the tragic breakup between Bret and last season’s winner, whose name is, evidently, ‘Ambre’, Bret decided (with the help of VH1 execs, no doubt) to up the ante a bit.  This time, the charming ladies of “Rock of Love 3” will be competing for his affections from the comfort of a tour bus as they follow him city-to-city.

A few questions spring to mind.  For example: where is he touring and why?  Is it 1987 again?

It was partly because of the crazy rock star lifestyle that the romantic tale of Bret and Ambre came to its end.  According to a statement released by Ambre (and, undoubtedly, a spelling tutor): “Bret has been very upfront and honest about how difficult maintaining a normal relationship may be for a touring rock star”.  One can only wonder to whom he is giving the title ‘rock star’.

Sure, some of us remember Bret when he was with the glam-rock hair-band Poison in the 80s.  We remember the borderline-misogynistic videos and the spandex leopard-skin pants.  We remember because the images were burned into our retinas like we were being branded as God’s punishment for watching. 

And then we hear the name ‘Bret Michaels’ pop up out of nowhere a few years ago, when “Rock of Love” (the original) was coming out, and we wondered who the hell THAT guy was.  After all the plastic surgery, Bret looks more-or-less like a bad drag queen.  And you just know that when he removes that bandana, the long blond hair comes with it.  We’re onto you, Bret–you and your bad weave. 

Fortunately for our aging musician, the world is just chock full of money-and-fame-hungry harlots who will humiliate themselves on television for a shot at fame.  Their own competitive natures will cause them to bum-rush your pants, offering endless hours of entertainment for anyone with basic cable. 

Now that “Rock of Love 3” is finished filming, Bret has said he is ‘probably’ done with a reality dating show.  Not because he found the woman he wants to give a diamond-studded, skull-and-crossbones engagement ring to, but because he would like to expand his reality television repertoire.  He told the “New York Daily News”: “I’d like to do a hybrid of it where you come into my real life a little more—like a mixture of ‘Rock of Love’ and Gene Simmons’ ‘Family Jewels’.  I think the ups and downs and sideways of my life would be really interesting for people to see”.

Oh, Bret, how you overestimate the appeal your life has.  Unless there are several nearly-naked, drunken blondes around you, no one cares.  In the 80’s, you trained us to want to see the train wreck with your tight pants and makeup and heroin abuse.  Even now, all these years later, we demand the train wreck, or we’ll cancel your show faster than you can say “toupee”.

Poor, beleaguered 50 Cent.  First, he is sued by his ex-girlfriend, then his record sales of late pale in comparison to the smash success of the tender love story “Candy Shop”, he has been experiencing difficulty selling his Connecticut mansion, and now, the biggest blow of all: MTV has cancelled his reality show “50 Cent: The Money and the Power”.

Not Boring Enough For MTV.

“The Money and the Power” would grant 14 hip-hop-mogul hopefuls the opportunity to impress 50 and convince him to invest $100,000 in the winner’s dream to become the next, um, 50 Cent.  I was shocked to hear of the series’ cancellation.  Although I have only seen the trailer, I found it to be riotously funny and entertaining along the lines of “Flavor of Love”, “A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila”, or “Next”.  Watching people humiliate themselves for a chance to win money—or the possible love of an ancient, withered rap icon and a vacant bisexual singer/model/actress—is tons of fun.  When 50 had the contestants split into teams, and then tied each team together chain-gang style, it was genius.  And instead of the stale, dull-as-dishwater “You’re fired” from Donald Trump, 50 told one contestant to “Get the f*** outta here”.

This is classic entertainment, the kind that we will watch for fives of years.

But no more.  Our tailored-suit, diamond-pendant-wearing hero has lost his television show, and after only six episodes.  Brian Graden, President of Entertainment at MTV networks, explains: “Our new shows will feature themes of affirmation and accomplishment.  Our shows are going to focus less on loud and silly hooks and more on young people proving themselves.  These are themes that are consistent with the Obama generation”.

Fine, blame our new President.  Certainly, 50 Cent and Barack Obama do not have a great deal in common, but they are both popular public figures who deserve to be heard, even if that message is “One hand full of sh** does not equal a fistful of dollars”.

Instead, MTV will be bringing us the same tired reality programming of the networks, as they look to the imaginations of Sean “Diddy” Combs, Nick Lachey (the guy who was married to Jessica Simpson) and the yawn-fest that is Donald Trump.  They are also looking to Matt Stone and Trey Parker, the comic geniuses who created “South Park”, but we’ll see if they can tame themselves enough to encourage ‘affirmation and accomplishment’.

So we say our goodbyes to 50 Cent and his search for the next entertainment mogul.  It’s sad, really, because I can’t imagine Donald Trump making his apprentices do embarrassing things, then laughing at them, saying “This is better than my day job!”