Madonna, in an unprecedented move for the megalomaniacal diva, is thinking that she may be partially responsible for the failures in her relationships, particularly with ex-husband Guy Ritchie. The two, who married in December, 2000, had a fairy-tale wedding in which the Material Girl wore an antique French 19-carat diamond bracelet, a gift from her husband-to-be. It is reported that she bought him a cheap plastic watch, although she is worth well over 200 million dollars.

When the marriage fell apart and the two split in December of 2008, Madonna, in between freakish workouts, took some time to reflect on things—or perhaps paid someone to do so for her. She has been spending a lot of time in New York since the end of her “Sticky and Sweet” tour, reportedly to undergo intense counseling by Rabbi Berg, THE big dog in Kabbalah. In some sort of revelation, she realized that all of her previous relationships have fallen apart because of her pathological need to be in control of everything, right down to the foods that he partners and children eat. According to the “London Daily Mirror”, Madonna has learned from Rabbi Berg that she needs to “tweak her tikkun”, which is an unusually non-filthy endeavor. It essentially means that she needs to do some repair work on her soul, something she is, evidently, prepared to do. The “Mirror” also reveals that “…she always takes control, not allowing the other party to flourish and be themselves…this is a pattern she is determined to alter in an effort to find the right person.”

The Jesus Madonna Left Behind.

The Jesus Madonna Left Behind.

Madonna’s love of Kabbalah caused her to turn her back on the Catholic Church, in which she was raised. She turned her back on one Jesus, but, fortunately, there was another, waiting to be discovered.

The Jesus Madonna Turned To.

The Jesus Madonna Turned To.

While performing in Sao Paulo, Brazil, Madonna met a 21 year-old model named Jesus Luz. We’ve been reading about Madonna and Jesus for some time, and there were rumors of flying him to England to celebrate his 22nd birthday. Madonna, incidentally, is 50 years old. Yes, the Jesus-jumper is in phenomenal shape, but she was still already married to Sean Penn before Jesus was conceived. That kinda adds an “ick” factor to the pairing, although it was fantastic for both. Madonna got to put a new twist on the traditional “Madonna with Child”, and young Jesus got a ton of media attention, signed with Ford Models, and began demanding $135,000 per fashion show. Madonna intervened on his behalf to get him signed with Ford, having a friend convince the agency of Jesus’ divinity. As soon as Madonna has moved on to another boy toy, or as soon as she finishes tweaking her tikkun (I guess young Jesus can’t do everything), the model will return to relative anonymity and a much smaller paycheck.

On a related note, in an episode of “The Ellen DeGeneres Show”, a woman named Gladys from Austin, Texas, called in to ask Ellen to move a distracting plant that the talk show host kept on a table behind her chair. Gladys claimed that the spiky plant made Ellen look like Alfalfa. Having moved the plant, Ellen called Gladys, asking the 88 year-old Texan if she had been on television before. Gladys said that she had, indeed, been on QVC.

She explained to Ellen: “I love Jesus, but I drink a little.”

No word on whether she was referring to the young Brazilian model—who seems to like older chicks—or the Christian Messiah.

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