Diamonds, Engagement Rings & Diamond Jewelry in popular culture

Jennifer Aniston, who (you might recall) was once married to a very famous movie star, has more-or-less been in mourning since their relationship ended in March of 2005.  Although she has dated several celebrities since, including Vince Vaughn, model Paul Sculfor, and John Mayer, she tends to go to all major events as the perpetual third wheel in Courteney Cox and David Arquette’s marriage.  Of course, it is probably mostly tabloid-fueled rumors that play up the bad blood between Jennifer and ex Brad Pitt, who is said to have started his romantic relationship with Angelina Jolie while still married.  Since Brad and Angelina immediately got started on baby-making, and are constantly in the middle of a media circus, it has probably been a bit of a thorn in still-single, nearly-40, childless Jennifer.  It was reported that it was her unpreparedness to become a mother at the time was at the root of her divorce. 

If This Woman Can't Get Her Self-Esteem In Order, She Needs A Better Therapist. Or Mirror.

All the better for her, however.  Better that she finds out now that Brad, despite his acting skills and generally-accepted good looks, is a cheater.  And better that she finds out now that Angelina Jolie, despite her proclamations of only adopting children from poor countries and attempts to save the world one cute kid at a time, is a homewrecker.  And, truthfully, Jennifer has to see that any heterosexual man, if given a chance, would take Angelina for a spin. 

But still, our Jennifer pouts.  Even after starring in great movies (and some not-so-great movies), she looks miserable.  Even with good friends, a well-respected career, and the kind of beauty that most men can’t resist, she walks around looking like a sourpuss. 

In her year-long relationship with John Mayer, there have been problems.  They’re together, then they’re not.  She’s letting him stay over, then she’s not.  She approves of John, but her dog does not.  Rumors have flown all over the place that they are breaking up, that she’s pregnant, that she is still pining for her ex-husband.

But maybe, on her birthday this year, Jennifer will smile.  Star Magazine has reported that John Mayer will propose to Jennifer on her 40th birthday.  He is said to have designed the diamond engagement ring himself, and has had it custom-made.  He also, evidently, wants to find a ‘creative’ way to propose.  If what Jennifer needs in order to smile is validation from a sought-after man, then she may get what she wants. 

A source has said “John’s finally agreed to marry her—and now they’re planning a traditional Greek Orthodox wedding”.  Ouch.  ‘Agreed to marry her’?  The only time an engagement should sound so much like a business transaction is when one of the parties in question is trying to fight off rumors of homosexuality (see: Cruise, Tom and Travolta, John).

Whether February 11 will bring an engagement for Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer or not, one hopes that Jen will, at least, take that sour look off of her face and see that life isn’t over.  Besides, how will Courteney and David adjust to doing anything alone?

It seems that Tom Cruise’s PR people have finally advised him to get a firmer grip on reality, and loosen his grip on Keeper of the Closet Katie Holmes.  Tom’s first recognizable cover was his wife of almost ten years, Nicole Kidman.  That relationship became obvious as a business decision when they filed for divorce just before the ten-year mark, when, under California divorce law, a couple’s assets may be divided evenly, regardless of any pre-nuptial agreement.  That, and they never had biological children of their own.  They adopted two.  There was speculation that Nicole Kidman didn’t want to ruin her figure, that one of them might not be fertile, and so on.  But all of Hollywood knew the real reason: Tom Cruise thinks girls are icky.

Nothing About This Looks Right.

To combat the rumors that have followed him throughout his career, Tom unleashed a completely unbelievable—yet impressive—boatload of crazy by jumping around like a fool on Oprah (the show, not the woman), proclaiming his love for Katie Holmes.  Perhaps a slightly less girly display was in order.  Tom admitted that he had bought an engagement ring for Katie after their first date, which he had his people arrange with her people.  Does any of this sound even remotely romantic?  His over-the-top PDAs as he dragged Katie around the world brought to mind the character of Emmett from the Showtime series “Queer as Folk”.  He was almost as demonstrative a lover as our little Tom.  Then, to try to truly put an end to the persistent rumors that made their way even onto “South Park”, he and Katie had a little Scientologist of their own.  Clearly, by looking at baby Suri Cruise, Katie and Tom did mix their DNA, but we’ll never know for sure exactly how.

Tom’s PR people also recommended that he stop yanking young Katie around by the arm, showing her like a pony at the state fair.  It only added to the idea that he wasn’t so fond of women, and didn’t, in fact, know how to touch them properly.  According to Star Magazine, he was advised “to quit grabbing her by the arm and pulling her around.  The idea is to make him the kinder, gentler Tom, not a controlling husband with a Stepford wife.”

Did anyone else enjoy it when his ex-camouflage, Nicole Kidman, starred in the remake of the movie “The Stepford Wives”?  It was a role she trained ten years for, in fact.  Well, almost ten years.

Finally, Tom was warned to lay off the Scientology mumbo-jumbo for a while.  We get it.  You’re a Scientologist.  You are the mack-daddy of Scientologists, even.  But talking about it all the time is giving the entire world massive heebie-jeebies. 

So we can look forward to this ‘kinder, gentler’ (and hopefully less arrogant) Tom, who is probably training at the Rock Hudson School of Hetero Behavior at this very moment.

Bellflower, California, 90706—A California woman gave birth to eight (8) babies early this morning.  This is only the second set of live-born octuplets in history, doctors say.  All of the babies, who came 9 weeks before they were full-term, are doing fairly well on incubators.  Three of the babies—or approximately 38% of the gaggle—required breathing assistance. 

Gratuitous Picture of Multiple Piglets Dressed Like Tigers.

The woman, who has not been identified (but will be easy to find in a crowded supermarket), was shocked when, after the 7th baby was removed by c-section, there was an 8th, waiting to be discovered.  According to Dr. Karen Maples, Chief of the Kasiser Permanente Hospital’s OB-GYN department, “After we got to Baby G, we were surprised by the discovery of Baby H.”

Really, where’s the surprise?  Once you find out you’re having 8 babies—which had better be the result of fertility drugs—what’s one more, really?  Already, you know you’re gonna have to go on Oprah or Ellen to get a free van and a lifetime supply of diapers.  Several relatives will have to carry out the precious infants and display them while the mother and father feign surprise at being offered gifts that will help them support their herd for a while.  Each night, the family will have to collectively pray that each child is smart enough to get a college scholarship, and that none of them will ever want to drive.  As it is, the cutesy matching outfits will cost a fortune.

Men often give gifts of diamond jewelry to the mothers of their new babies.  This woman ought to be getting the Hope Diamond for her efforts.  On the other hand, maybe it would be best for him to save his money. 

Although we have to respect a woman’s right to choose to have all eight—or, at least, the original seven—it is not advised by most doctors.  According to Dr. Richard Paulson, director of the fertility program at the University of Southern California, “It’s a risky decision to have all eight babies.  I would not recommend it under any circumstances” (SFGate.com).  That, of course, brings us to the slippery slope of the pro-choice/pro-life debate, which nobody wants to get into.

The blessed event, which took place at 4am PST, brought a flock ranging in weights from 1.8 pounds to 3.4 pounds, which gives them a fair chance of survival.  The previous pack of 8 was less lucky, with the littlest infant dying of heart and lung failure about a week after the birth.  The remaining seven recently turned 10 years old, and are described by their grateful parents as “healthy and active”.

While I certainly wish the best for the new parents of this Guinness Book-worthy crew, it is still a bit of a cautionary tale regarding fertility drugs.  Being surprised by a third baby might be a shock, but is still manageable.  Being surprised by an eighth?  Not so funny.

While the mother probably wishes to be an octopus so she would have enough arms to carry her new army, she would be unhappy to learn that a common octopus can have up to 250,000 fertilized eggs.  Not even Oprah would touch that.

Maybe she should check with Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie to work on strategy.

Bin Ladin Aviator Watch: Are You Kidding Me?

Yeslam, who has dual citizenship with Saudi Arabia and Switzerland, designed the watch for pilots, adding a face engraved with fan blades to appeal to them.  He plans to sell the watches at the luxury Geneva boutique that bears his name, where he also markets “Yeslam” purses and perfume.  The elder bin Laden—ahem, bin Ladin—wears tailored suits, fine diamond jewelry, and runs a finance company, in sharp contrast to the lanky, ultra-creepy hate-monger with whom he shares DNA.

Perhaps Yeslam was inspired to become a pilot when his Dad—who fathered 54 children with 20 wives—died in a plane crash in the 1960s.  Unfortunately, this event may have inspired his half-brother as well, albeit in a different way.

When asked if he was concerned that prospective buyers might shy away from the product because of his family name, Yeslam responded: “I think over time people have realized that these two things are completely unrelated.  It has been many years that I had nothing to do with it”.  One can only hope a language barrier is the reason for him to imply that, some years ago, he had something to do with it.  As for people being able to separate the irony of a bin Ladin “Aviator Watch” and the bin Laden terrorist attacks of September 11, 2001, well, I think Yeslam might be reaching a bit on that one.

But if you’re looking for a macabre collector’s item, and have between $10,000 and $25,000 to drop, this is the gold standard of twisted paradox.  Wear it with care.  And stay the hell off my flights.

Jennifer Love Hewitt, our favorite sweet-faced former movie star, recently broke off her engagement with some actor named Ross McCall, who, despite his anonymity, was really, really good-looking.  Suddenly, the girl next door turned more into Hugh Hefner’s “The Girls Next Door”, according to US Weekly and a smattering of ex-boyfriends.  Although Hewitt and McCall had already set their wedding date, and Hewitt had already bought her wedding dress, the whole commitment thing turned out to be not so much her style.

Always Engaged, Never Married.

Nice to a fault, McCall said: “We are both still wearing our rings.”  HE’S wearing a ring already?  It’s a relatively new trend for men to wear engagement rings, and it’s certainly more popular with gay men, but someone as whipped as McCall clearly qualifies.  According to costume designer Claudia Wick of Hewitt’s small-screen series “Ghost Whisperer” (has anyone really seen it?), the actress was “needy and immature” (US Weekly).  She would call her fiancé, beg him to come to the set, and beg for him to say ‘I love you’.  How endearing that must have been.  Yet McCall stuck around, even though nobody would have ever heard of him had he not been engaged to someone who used to be famous.

Jennifer Love Hewitt became famous on the television show “Party of Five”.  She was very popular with the boys because she had the face of an angel and the rack of porn star.  She moved on to movies that capitalized on these assets, and began dating Rich Cronin of the former boy-band LFO.  He was the good-looking one.  Cronin, on the Howard Stern show, revealed that the girl aptly called ‘Love’ by her friends gave him an eternity ring and told him: “Listen, I want to marry you.  We’re going to be together forever.”

Forever turned out to be two years, after which Cronin got a phone call from a friend to check out the latest US Weekly, which featured pictures of his girlfriend and various men.  When he called his beloved to straighten things out, she went ballistic on him, saying that it wasn’t true.  Then she dumped him 3 days later.

Evidently, Hewitt must have had a punch card at Cartier, because she got the very same ring for another boyfriend, Jeff Timmons of the boy-band 98 Degrees, which may or may not be the one Justin Timberlake was in.  No word on where Justin was at this time.  Probably still rockin’ the blonde ‘fro and matching outfits with Britney Spears.

Regardless, our beloved Jennifer is now single, short 3 diamond rings and walking around with a self-esteem problem the size of Texas.  But she’s single, gentleman, so if you’re looking to score a diamond ring, try the set of “Ghost Whisperer”.  If it’s still on.

Madonna, in an unprecedented move for the megalomaniacal diva, is thinking that she may be partially responsible for the failures in her relationships, particularly with ex-husband Guy Ritchie. The two, who married in December, 2000, had a fairy-tale wedding in which the Material Girl wore an antique French 19-carat diamond bracelet, a gift from her husband-to-be. It is reported that she bought him a cheap plastic watch, although she is worth well over 200 million dollars.

When the marriage fell apart and the two split in December of 2008, Madonna, in between freakish workouts, took some time to reflect on things—or perhaps paid someone to do so for her. She has been spending a lot of time in New York since the end of her “Sticky and Sweet” tour, reportedly to undergo intense counseling by Rabbi Berg, THE big dog in Kabbalah. In some sort of revelation, she realized that all of her previous relationships have fallen apart because of her pathological need to be in control of everything, right down to the foods that he partners and children eat. According to the “London Daily Mirror”, Madonna has learned from Rabbi Berg that she needs to “tweak her tikkun”, which is an unusually non-filthy endeavor. It essentially means that she needs to do some repair work on her soul, something she is, evidently, prepared to do. The “Mirror” also reveals that “…she always takes control, not allowing the other party to flourish and be themselves…this is a pattern she is determined to alter in an effort to find the right person.”

The Jesus Madonna Left Behind.

Madonna’s love of Kabbalah caused her to turn her back on the Catholic Church, in which she was raised. She turned her back on one Jesus, but, fortunately, there was another, waiting to be discovered.

The Jesus Madonna Turned To.

On a related note, in an episode of “The Ellen DeGeneres Show”, a woman named Gladys from Austin, Texas, called in to ask Ellen to move a distracting plant that the talk show host kept on a table behind her chair. Gladys claimed that the spiky plant made Ellen look like Alfalfa. Having moved the plant, Ellen called Gladys, asking the 88 year-old Texan if she had been on television before. Gladys said that she had, indeed, been on QVC.

She explained to Ellen: “I love Jesus, but I drink a little.”

No word on whether she was referring to the young Brazilian model—who seems to like older chicks—or the Christian Messiah.

At last night’s Neighborhood Inaugural Ball, a creation by Barack Obama and his staff, the new President and First Lady danced like teenagers in love while Beyoncé sang Etta James’ song “At Last”.  For once, we got to watch two people with rhythm—not to mention genuine affection for one another—dance the first dance as the First Couple. 

Puppy Love in the Oval Office.

 Barack Obama has shown his ability to dance before, at venues ranging from the Ellen DeGeneres Show to the Inauguration yesterday, when he and Michelle danced while watching his Inaugural Parade.  Barack and Michelle Obama have also never been shy about their puppy-love, with PDAs plastered all over every website, newspaper, and television station.  It would be too much to ask for a new Presidential baby, but you can bet the Obamas will be, at the very least, going through the motions (so to speak). 

Michelle Obama, wearing relatively-unknown designer Jason Wu, was also rocking some serious ice.  She wore shoulder-sweeping diamond earrings, an oversized diamond ring on her left middle finger, and a diamond bracelet.  Before all the nay-sayers gets their panties in a bunch, remember that celebrities borrow jewelry all the time, and if there is one thing that Barack and Michelle Obama have become over the last year, it is THE celebrity couple.  Michelle Obama’s got style, but she doesn’t flaunt wealth.  She prefers lesser-known designers and subtle jewelry.  Even Sasha and Malia Obama, the adorable First Kids, were wearing J. Crew, not Dolce & Gabbana.  So she pulled out all the stops for last night.  It was not just an occasion.  It was THE occasion.  During the Neighborhood Ball, held at Washington’s Convention Center, Barack Obama asked the crowd: “First of all, how good-looking is my wife?”

Oh, come ON.  It isn’t fair.  There’s only one of him and about 47 million single American women.  It’s too unfair.  But if we have to lose him to someone, better that it is to Michelle than anyone else.  Did you see the pythons on that woman?  No doubt she would not only fight for her man, but she’d probably win.

Beyoncé, our habitual Wearer-of-Tiny-Clothes and Stealer-of-Every-Scene, wore a toned-down yet elegant dress, and didn’t make the spectacle of herself that she normally does.  Perhaps her endless need for attention—and inability to not showcase her posterior—were put aside in honor of the event.  With tears welling up in her eyes as she sang, she was focused on Barack and Michelle Obama, rather than how her rear-end may or may not be shaking.  Even she seemed to realize that she was not merely singing a love song from a woman to a man, but from a country to its new President. 

The Coolest First Couple Ever.

At last, he is ours.

Now that Barack Obama is not only President-Elect (President in 5 hours, 29 minutes) but also a celebrity, all of Hollywood is descending upon Washington, DC for his Inauguration.  The celebrations began on Sunday, in what could be called “Obamafest”, or “Obamapalooza”, maybe.  With music and parties and all kinds of drinking, the only thing that’s missing is hippies rolling around in the mud.  Perhaps we should pray for rain in the Capitol City, if only for our own entertainment.

The Biggest Rock Star of All

At the Latino Inaugural Gala on Sunday night, celebrities like Rosario Dawson, George Lopez, and Shakira were there to Party for the Prez, but all eyes were on Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony—with J. Lo back in her wedding ring since it ‘matched her dress’.  All eyes, however, suddenly wouldn’t have cared if Shakira and J. Lo had a Booty Competition followed by a jell-o catfight, because Barack Obama walked in.  Even Marc Anthony noted that “Washington’s never had a bigger rock star at the helm”.  Having seen Our New Leader dance on the Ellen DeGeneres Show, we know that we certainly have the first President with rhythm.  JFK might have been good-looking, but I bet he did that biting-the-lower-lip thing when he danced.  And Bill Clinton couldn’t even run with rhythm.  Let’s not even get started with the Reagan/Bush strictly-classical, dull-as-dishwater music era.

Beyonce, Mariah Carey, Faith Hill, Shakira, Bruce Springsteen, and Stevie Wonder are all there to rock out for Obamarama.  John Legend, James Taylor, and Josh Groban are there, too.  The unusual combination (and expression of everything Obama stands for) of Will.I.Am, Sheryl Crow and Herbie Hancock played Bob Marley’s “One Love” in front of the Lincoln Memorial.  Of Course, Saint Bono was on hand to play “In The Name of Love”, U2’s tribute to Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

Monday brought us a kids’ event hosted by Michelle Obama and Jill Biden.  The acts playing at that concert included Miley Cyrus, the Jonas Brothers, Demi Lovato, and Bow Wow.  Although the event is hosted by the First Wives, it is unlikely that they have any idea who any of these musicians are, unless young Malia and Sasha are fans of “Hannah Montana”.  Stranger things have happened.  For example: the United States electing an African-American President.

Also on Monday was a Jazz-centric concert with Wynton Marsalis, Dave Brubeck, Cassandra Wilson and Diane Reeves.  Country music was represented by Faith Hill, Tim McGraw, and Garth Brooks.  It seemed that not only did no one want to say ‘no’ to an invitation, but A-list celebrities would have given up their plastic surgeons to perform or just be there.

Jamie Foxx, Queen Latifah and Denzel Washington were on hand for historical readings, and are staying for the events to come.  Aretha Franklin herself is expected to sing at the actual Inauguration.    Afterwards, at the newly-created “Neighborhood Ball”, the New President and First lady will have their first dance.  At any number of post-Inaugural parties, you can find performances by Jack Johnson, Sheryl Crow, Maroon 5, and that guy Jennifer Lopez married most recently.

And just hanging around for the celebration will be LL Cool J, Tom Hanks, Steven Spielberg, Macy Gray, Jon Bon Jovi, and Halle Berry, to name a few of the way-famous people showing support for ObamaGala.  Even ObamaGirl, made famous on YouTube for her music video love letters to the President-Elect, got herself an invitation.  A special invitation was given to US Airways pilot and hero Chesley Sullenberger and his family after he made his courageous emergency landing in the middle of the Hudson River on January 15, saving hundreds of lives. 

Although the wretched, disgusting fame-whores Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt were outspoken supporters of John McCain throughout the election, they have been seen around Los Angeles lately sporting Obama t-shirts.  Way to hop on the bandwagon.  If they were hoping that would score them seats to an event more star-studded than a reunion at the Betty Ford Clinic, they are wrong. 

Because the entire series of events was put together by Barack Obama’s people, it seems unlikely that a “Team America” scenario would pop up.  But seeing footage of celebrities swarming around Obama the way normal people normally swarm around celebrities does bring back images from that movie. 

Where is Alec Baldwin, by the way?

Miami Heat guard Dwayne Wade has found something to give his estranged wife that lasts even longer than diamonds: an STD.  According to legal papers filed by Siohvaughn Wade, Dwayne’s wife of six years, her husband gave her an ‘unspecified’ sexually transmitted disease during their marriage, and she is demanding a list of all of his sexual partners during that time.

D-Wade: Keeping His Balls In The Air.

The couple, who were high school sweethearts, exchanged wedding rings in 2002.  Despite the obvious marital issues affecting Siohvaughn, it was Dwayne who petitioned for divorce last May in Cook County, Illinois.  They have two children: Zaire, age 7, and Zion, age 1.  Mother and children recently moved back to their native Chicago.
D-Wade has an annual salary from the Miami Heat of $14,410,581, and also rakes in millions from endorsements for Gatorade, Sidekick, and Converse.  He has not been shy about spending or sharing the wealth, buying about a dozen or so cars for himself; paying for a $2 million church for his mother; giving family and friends access to accounts that held shared marital assets; and, allegedly, placing large sums of money into a shared account with another woman.   Clearly, Siohvaughn married an idiot, but that doesn’t mean she deserves a sexually transmitted disease that may or may not recur.

Among his other failures as his “Father of the Year 2007”, D-Wade has, according to court papers, abandoned his children.  His wife claims that 1 year-old Zion doesn’t even recognize him because he never spends any time with them.  When he does, she claims that the children are often afraid of him.  She wants sole custody, and, one can imagine, some rather hefty support.

The mystery STD, which is, evidently, not one of the Big Ones, was diagnosed in the fall of 2007.  Why she stayed with him this long is a mystery.  She is demanding a list of all his ‘paramours’ during their marriage.  We hope that “Girl in Detroit” and “That Chick With The Guns” will be sufficient information for any legal proceedings.  One of the non-mystery women has been actress Gabrielle Union, who was once married to former Jacksonville Jaguar Chris Howard.  What IS it about those uniforms?  Hopefully, Gabrielle had the sense to have D-Wade fully laminated before any contact took place.

D-Wade’s attorneys, in the grand tradition of divorce attorneys, claim that all of the allegations against D-Wade are false.  The response from Siohvaughn’s attorney; “Medical records don’t lie”.  That woman must be some kind of ticked off to admit to the entire planet that she contracted an STD from her wayward, professional athlete husband.  Of course, she should have seen that train barreling down the tracks the minute he signed his multi-million-dollar deal.  Or the second he was given a catchy nickname.  That’s usually the end of the road for wife #1.

Our best wishes to Siohvaughn.  Perhaps, instead, she would prefer a lifetime supply of Zovirax?

Evidently, the rumors are true this time.  Gisele Bundchen and New England Patriots Quarterback Tom Brady are engaged.  While in Los Angeles on Friday, Brady got down on one knee and proposed, presenting the Supermodel with a solitaire diamond engagement ring.  Certainly, delusional men across the globe have gone into a state of despair over the shattered dreams they developed while perusing the Victoria’s Secret catalog in semi-darkened bathrooms.  Women who don’t watch football unless the players are hot are similarly grieving. 

The Happy Homewrecker and Fertile Guy.

The pair began dating while Brady was still with his ex-girlfriend, supermodel and actress Bridget Moynahan, who also happened to be pregnant with their baby.  Although Brady claims that his relationship with Moynahan was over before he traded her in for a new model, simple math reveals that this can’t be the whole truth.  Or, in fact, even part of the truth.  Moynahan gave birth to their son, John Edward Thomas Moynahan in August of 2007.  Brady admits his relationship with Gisele was in full swing in December of 2006.  He also says he was ‘surprised’ to find out that his ex was pregnant a few months into his new relationship. 

How can anyone, even someone who routinely takes hits from very, very large men, be ‘surprised’ by a pregnancy, when any medical journal can explain the various methods available to prevent such events?

Moynahan, though less than pleased with being ditched by the football star while carrying his seed, maintains a civil relationship with him and allows him to see his now 17 month-old son.  Brady was even present at the birth, and his first and middle names are now the middles names of his son—although in reverse order.  Moynahan, who has acted in several films, is perhaps best known for her role as “Natasha”, Mr. Big’s wife in the HBO series “Sex & the City”.  Again, in a tale of epic foreshadowing, Big cheats on Natasha and the relationship ends. 

And now, after rumors started flying about a Christmas Eve proposal, Tom and Gisele have made it official.  A source told People Magazine: “He asked and she accepted”.  The same source claims that an official announcement is being planned by Gisele, and that the two have, in fact, been engaged since December, but chose to keep it quiet.  Fine time to choose to be tactful and discreet.

The newly-engaged couple plan to exchange wedding rings in a massive ceremony in the spring, but is also considering a smaller, more intimate ceremony in Costa Rica, where Gisele owns a home.  Maybe they’ll have both.

 One can only hope that Gisele doesn’t receive the same treatment from Brady as his last girlfriend did.  He’ll be scattering gorgeous babies like bad passes.