Tom Cruise, our favorite Scientologist/Couch-Jumper/Closet Case, has taken time out of his busy schedule of insulting anything not Scientology-related and having his wife impregnated with the frozen sperm of L. Ron Hubbard to star in a movie that is not stupid.  Although Cruise is being billed as the star of the movie, it is truly an amazing ensemble cast including Eddie Izzard, Kenneth Branagh, Tom Wilkinson, and Terence Stamp.  They alone make it worth the $10 price of admission, cancelling out the annoying nature of Tom Cruise’s very existence.  The movie, “Valkyrie”, is directed by Bryan Singer, Director of “The Usual Suspects”—undoubtedly the greatest movie ever made.  Although I hate to help fund the Tom Cruise Crusade to Turn Everyone Scientologist and Pretend to be Hetero, I can’t wait for it to come out on cable.  Not this time.

Tom Cruise: Voice of Reason

Tom Cruise: Voice of Reason

However, because outside of this one recent sensible move, Tom Cruise is still, inherently, a lunatic, he inexplicably appeared on the after-show for “The Hills”, the horrible MTV reality show that has made stars out of already-rich people.  This leads one to a few questions: Why would the brain-trust behind “The Hills” after-show ask Tom Cruise to be a guest, and why would he say yes?  Perhaps, after a long day of brain-washing, he and child-bride Katie Holmes snuggle up in their separate twin beds and watch “The Hills” before praying to their alien gods.

Since Tom’s own courtship and wedding were so very normal, it is only natural that the hosts of the after-show sought his thoughts on the surprise—but camera-ready—elopement to Cabo San Lucas of “The Hills” villains, Heidi and Spencer.  Since Heidi has, evidently, argued with Spencer about her desire to have a big wedding in front of family and friends (and, one can assume, the media), the after-show hosts asked Tom if Spencer’s surprise wedding set-up was appropriate.   His response was: “If the girl wants the wedding, you gotta do the wedding”.

Spencer, always ready to turn the cameras on himself, said to USmagazine.com: “If Tom’s the best man, we’ll have a big wedding”.  Sorry, Heidi, I wouldn’t hold your breath on that one.  I’m sure that, immediately after his appearance on the show, Tom got word from the Mothership that any further involvement in this will be bad for his career, and, therefore, bad for the master plan to have Scientology take over the planet.

Here is how the Tom Cruise/Katie Holmes Show-Wedding seems normal compared to the Spencer Pratt/Heidi Montag Faux-Nuptials:
        1. Tom Cruise proposed to Katie with a 5-carat oval diamond engagement ring, even though they had only been dating for about 10 minutes.   Spencer proposed to Heidi with an amethyst engagement ring from a kiosk at the mall.
       2. Tom Cruise threw a huge, celebrity-filled wedding at a castle in Italy.  Spencer bum-rushed Heidi with a surprise wedding while on vacation.  No family was present.
       3. Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes wear Cartier white gold wedding rings with diamonds.  Spencer and Heidi spent forty pesos on their “recession-proof” wedding rings.

Here’s what they have in common: clearly, both women were brain-washed in some way and have become nothing but mindless followers of their husbands.   Also, their marriages are both clearly a farce: One is a great beard for a closet case, while the other keeps two uninteresting people in the magazines.  Although they will, at some point, all return to their separate home planets, for now they share one undeniable truth:  they have been taking their crazy pills, religiously, every day.

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