Diamonds, Engagement Rings & Diamond Jewelry in popular culture

Diamond thievery is definitely the trendy crime these days. And it’s not only for cross-dressers, you know. Anyone can be a diamond thief-if he picks the right place to steal from. Everyone knows from television that pawn shops and mini-marts all have high-tech surveillance. Heck, the AM/PM across the street has a security monitor in HDTV, should someone want to make off with a $4 box of Chips Ahoy. It seems that the industry most lagging behind in the security area is jewelers.

Can I get a collective slap to the forehead and “Doh!”?

Homer Not Good Diamond Guard

But now, the JSA (Jewelers’ Security Alliance) is warning jewelers to be wary of “switch artists” who replace diamond jewelry with cheap, cubic zirconia knock-offs (National Jeweler Network). In September, a Boston retail jewelry store discovered that a pair of $87,000 diamond earrings and a $36,000 ring were replaced by “CZ”, as we call it in law enforcement (or if we are avid watchers of CSI). Evidently, the store does not know when the switch occurred. Is Homer Simpson GM at this store? Generally, if you don’t trust someone to feed your cats when you’re out of town, don’t let them handle the big jewels. Let them endure the grueling, boot camp style training at Claire’s before you hire them and allow them to show anything worth more than your car.

In November, a mall jewelry store in Ohio had two diamonds worth about $50,000 replaced with CZ. It wasn’t until salespeople were checking the cases that the switch was noticed. The store, it is noted, doesn’t have security cameras. Again, I’m frisked like an Arab at LAX before I can get my morning latte, but jackasses I wouldn’t give a house key to are trusted with millions of dollars worth of gems. AND THEY AREN’T EVEN SUPERVISED BY CAMERAS.

I remember a great episode of CSI: NY in which just these kinds of capers were pulled off. A woman would try on an expensive diamond ring, and then, seeming unable to pull it off her finger with ease, she would put her finger in her mouth as if to use saliva as a lubricant (yuck, for the next tryer-on), and would have a CZ replica in her mouth to switch them out.

If prime-time tv writers know how the tricks thieves might use, shouldn’t real-live, non-fictitious jewelers as well? Television writers-professional couch potatoes-know this, but retailers who sell trinkets worth more than my house are still not installing surveillance cameras. I’m just sayin’.

The JSA lists several methods retailers can use to be more vigilant. My list might be shorter.

It would read: “1. Don’t Be An Idiot”.

An addendum might be: “If your prospective employee lists as a reference Monty Burns, Owner of the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant as his reference, you might want to double-check that CV.”