As we’ve all heard by now, Paris Hilton’s Sherman Oaks home was tragically burglarized early Friday morning, with the thief making off with nearly $2 million dollars worth of jewelry and ‘personal items’.  This is Hilton’s second robbery in the last few years.  She also, during this time, lost and then found her chihuahua (and I mean her actual little dog, Tinkerbell), misplaced all of her undergarments, and ended 2 or 3 engagements.  It has been a rough few years for the unfortunate heiress.

Paris believes in this case that “whoever did this, definitely has been there before” .  Since the items were all taken from her bedroom, the list of suspects is virtually limitless.  Police believe that the suspect, a male wearing a hooded sweatshirt (hoodies are so last year), forced his way through the front door and went directly for Hilton’s bedroom.  By “forced his way in”, the police make reference to the way this dangerous criminal meandered up to the front door, turned the knob, and walked in, all in view of a video camera.  They Keystone Cops are currently examining the video for clues.

In Her Defense, Where Would She Put Her Keys?

In Her Defense, Where Would She Put Her Keys?

Paris had gone out that night, leaving her house unlocked.  She was at the Hollywood night club Bar Deluxe when the robbery took place at 5 a.m.   She claims that the items taken included: “jewelry, watches, every ring I own, all my necklaces, jewelry that my grandmothers gave me that I’ll never be able to replace”.  Some conspiracy theorists believe that the theft might be a last-ditch effort by the Bush Administration to stimulate the economy by forcing Paris to hit the shops of Beverly Hills in order to replace her stolen items. 

Hilton told E! News that “it’s just an invasion of privacy and it’s happened to me before.  It’s really scary but they’re doing a major investigation on this and we’re going to catch this person”.  You can almost feel the fear in that tiny little voice, although ‘privacy’ becomes a relative term after you spend the summer showing the world your naughty bits as you get out of your outrageously-expensive car. 

She is feeling much safer now, reporting that she has “upped the security majorly”.  She asks the thief, whom she assumed is watching E! News, to return the items he stole.  She invites him to have a taxi anonymously drop off a box full of his ill-gotten booty at her front gate.  Certainly, no one would steal it from way, way outside her house.  Why should they, when they can just walk right in, instead?

It won’t be so easy for the next criminal mastermind, however.  Hilton stated that “we have three security guards there and a 24-hour guard who is always on my property.  We have the alarm on, the dogs we have, the guards with the gun, so no one is going to be coming into my house”. 

However, there are a few reasons I think we can count on future capers at the Hilton home.  First, where were the guards for her gated community when this guy strolled on through to Paris’s inner sanctum (I mean her bedroom)?  Second, her dogs are all teacup poodles and Chihuahuas and other football-like breeds. And three, the victim in question–violated, scared, and robbed– still can’t remember to bring her house keys.

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