Diamonds, Engagement Rings & Diamond Jewelry in popular culture

Diamond thievery is definitely the trendy crime these days. And it’s not only for cross-dressers, you know. Anyone can be a diamond thief-if he picks the right place to steal from. Everyone knows from television that pawn shops and mini-marts all have high-tech surveillance. Heck, the AM/PM across the street has a security monitor in HDTV, should someone want to make off with a $4 box of Chips Ahoy. It seems that the industry most lagging behind in the security area is jewelers.

Can I get a collective slap to the forehead and “Doh!”?

Homer Not Good Diamond Guard

But now, the JSA (Jewelers’ Security Alliance) is warning jewelers to be wary of “switch artists” who replace diamond jewelry with cheap, cubic zirconia knock-offs (National Jeweler Network). In September, a Boston retail jewelry store discovered that a pair of $87,000 diamond earrings and a $36,000 ring were replaced by “CZ”, as we call it in law enforcement (or if we are avid watchers of CSI). Evidently, the store does not know when the switch occurred. Is Homer Simpson GM at this store? Generally, if you don’t trust someone to feed your cats when you’re out of town, don’t let them handle the big jewels. Let them endure the grueling, boot camp style training at Claire’s before you hire them and allow them to show anything worth more than your car.

In November, a mall jewelry store in Ohio had two diamonds worth about $50,000 replaced with CZ. It wasn’t until salespeople were checking the cases that the switch was noticed. The store, it is noted, doesn’t have security cameras. Again, I’m frisked like an Arab at LAX before I can get my morning latte, but jackasses I wouldn’t give a house key to are trusted with millions of dollars worth of gems. AND THEY AREN’T EVEN SUPERVISED BY CAMERAS.

I remember a great episode of CSI: NY in which just these kinds of capers were pulled off. A woman would try on an expensive diamond ring, and then, seeming unable to pull it off her finger with ease, she would put her finger in her mouth as if to use saliva as a lubricant (yuck, for the next tryer-on), and would have a CZ replica in her mouth to switch them out.

If prime-time tv writers know how the tricks thieves might use, shouldn’t real-live, non-fictitious jewelers as well? Television writers-professional couch potatoes-know this, but retailers who sell trinkets worth more than my house are still not installing surveillance cameras. I’m just sayin’.

The JSA lists several methods retailers can use to be more vigilant. My list might be shorter.

It would read: “1. Don’t Be An Idiot”.

An addendum might be: “If your prospective employee lists as a reference Monty Burns, Owner of the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant as his reference, you might want to double-check that CV.”

Tom Cruise, our favorite Scientologist/Couch-Jumper/Closet Case, has taken time out of his busy schedule of insulting anything not Scientology-related and having his wife impregnated with the frozen sperm of L. Ron Hubbard to star in a movie that is not stupid.  Although Cruise is being billed as the star of the movie, it is truly an amazing ensemble cast including Eddie Izzard, Kenneth Branagh, Tom Wilkinson, and Terence Stamp.  They alone make it worth the $10 price of admission, cancelling out the annoying nature of Tom Cruise’s very existence.  The movie, “Valkyrie”, is directed by Bryan Singer, Director of “The Usual Suspects”—undoubtedly the greatest movie ever made.  Although I hate to help fund the Tom Cruise Crusade to Turn Everyone Scientologist and Pretend to be Hetero, I can’t wait for it to come out on cable.  Not this time.

Tom Cruise: Voice of Reason

However, because outside of this one recent sensible move, Tom Cruise is still, inherently, a lunatic, he inexplicably appeared on the after-show for “The Hills”, the horrible MTV reality show that has made stars out of already-rich people.  This leads one to a few questions: Why would the brain-trust behind “The Hills” after-show ask Tom Cruise to be a guest, and why would he say yes?  Perhaps, after a long day of brain-washing, he and child-bride Katie Holmes snuggle up in their separate twin beds and watch “The Hills” before praying to their alien gods.

Since Tom’s own courtship and wedding were so very normal, it is only natural that the hosts of the after-show sought his thoughts on the surprise—but camera-ready—elopement to Cabo San Lucas of “The Hills” villains, Heidi and Spencer.  Since Heidi has, evidently, argued with Spencer about her desire to have a big wedding in front of family and friends (and, one can assume, the media), the after-show hosts asked Tom if Spencer’s surprise wedding set-up was appropriate.   His response was: “If the girl wants the wedding, you gotta do the wedding”.

Spencer, always ready to turn the cameras on himself, said to USmagazine.com: “If Tom’s the best man, we’ll have a big wedding”.  Sorry, Heidi, I wouldn’t hold your breath on that one.  I’m sure that, immediately after his appearance on the show, Tom got word from the Mothership that any further involvement in this will be bad for his career, and, therefore, bad for the master plan to have Scientology take over the planet.

Here is how the Tom Cruise/Katie Holmes Show-Wedding seems normal compared to the Spencer Pratt/Heidi Montag Faux-Nuptials:
        1. Tom Cruise proposed to Katie with a 5-carat oval diamond engagement ring, even though they had only been dating for about 10 minutes.   Spencer proposed to Heidi with an amethyst engagement ring from a kiosk at the mall.
       2. Tom Cruise threw a huge, celebrity-filled wedding at a castle in Italy.  Spencer bum-rushed Heidi with a surprise wedding while on vacation.  No family was present.
       3. Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes wear Cartier white gold wedding rings with diamonds.  Spencer and Heidi spent forty pesos on their “recession-proof” wedding rings.

Here’s what they have in common: clearly, both women were brain-washed in some way and have become nothing but mindless followers of their husbands.   Also, their marriages are both clearly a farce: One is a great beard for a closet case, while the other keeps two uninteresting people in the magazines.  Although they will, at some point, all return to their separate home planets, for now they share one undeniable truth:  they have been taking their crazy pills, religiously, every day.

No one does anything original anymore.  Four resourceful gentleman—three dressed as ladies—successfully robbed Harry Winston of over $100 million in diamonds and other jewels last week.  NOW, some schmo decides to copy them.  Isn’t it always the way?  As soon as a guy has an excuse to put on a dress and rob someplace, he takes it.  This time, it was one man stealing an undisclosed amount of cash from the Commonwealth Bank in North Strathfield, Australia.

Watch Your Jewels Around This Guy.

Evidently, the man was quite smartly dressed, according to an employee at a neighboring shop, who saw the man sitting on a bench at about 8 a.m.  He described the tranny as “…dressed in black, with a black dress, black stockings, a blonde wig about shoulder length” (AAP News Agency).  No word yet on whether or not the crook had ‘legs for days’. The witness asked that he not be identified, probably for fear of being caught eyeballing a chick who turned out to be packing more than heat.

The gun-toting gentleman, who evidently forgot to shave before stepping out in his bank-heisting finery, entered the bank, tied up three of the employees, and took as much cash as he could carry before fleeing on foot, which, any woman will tell you, ain’t easy in killer heels.  Because he was a lady, he did not injure anyone during the commission of the crime. 

Somewhere in Europe, or perhaps the Eastern Bloc, there are three cross-dressers and their male-dressing cohort disassembling the Harry Winston diamonds and jewels from last week, shaking their well-coiffed heads.    Rookie mistake, when committing larceny in ladies’ clothing, to have 5 o’clock shadow. 

Thus far, all transvestite burglars are still at large, and, most likely, dressed to the nines.

Feeling Down?  SSRIs Not Working?  Want a Little Nosh?  Everyone knows that the holidays can be a distressing time.  Maybe you don’t have the money to buy great gifts for your loved ones.  Maybe you live far away from your family. Maybe you’re really just not that lovable.  You find yourself filled with self-doubt, depression, and you feel like you just aren’t worth the oxygen it takes to keep you alive.

Great News!  This is a problem you can buy your way out of.  A little gold can go a long way (at least 30 or so feet) to make you feel better about yourself.  Artist and Designer Tobias Wong created something better than chocolate, better than Viagra, better than Prozac to help lift your spirits around the holidays, or any time.  For only $429.00, you can purchase 3 capsules filled with 24-carat gold leaf.  After taking these unusual medicinals, you will, literally, be worth gold.  For at least as long as it takes the gold leaf to travel the 30 feet through your digestive tract, anyway.

Gold Pills Make You Worth Something!

Remembering back to the 1990s, there was a drink called Goldschlager appearing in bars everywhere.  It is a cinnamon-flavored schnapps with little bits of gold leaf in it.  The bottles are cool-looking, with the bits of gold floating around, and it isn’t particularly expensive, but it has a bite like an angry tiger.  The gold leaf, like most things, would just pass, but it certainly made vomiting more vibrant and interesting.

The product details for the “Gold Pills” by Tobias Wong, according to gnr8.biz, read: “Indulge your ‘inner’ self with these 24k gold leaf capsules.  Digest to increase self-worth”.  So THAT’S how it’s done.  Why pay for therapy or medications, or socialize with loved ones, when all you need to feel good about yourself, to value yourself, is take a few gold pills at $143 apiece?  Certainly, you can feel worth the cost of the pills (plus shipping) for up to 24 hours—more if you can hold it.  But, eventually, as noted above, they, too, shall pass.  How will you feel after you’ve spent $429.00 for a day’s worth of self-love and have nothing to show for it but sparkling feces?

Killer Diamond Engagement Ring Might Be Smarter.

If, during your 24 hours of feeling worthwhile, you decide to finally propose to your girlfriend, you can buy the “Killer Diamond Engagement Ring” for your intended.  The engagement ring is also a Tobias Wong creation, with the razor-sharp diamond mounted upside-down so it can cut skin to the bone.  Really.  Nothin’ says lovin’ like a ring that can kill an attacker or key a car.  This ring is also carefully designed so, while issuing a beat-down to some thug, your blushing bride-to-be will not get any cuts herself.  And, while it is unconventional, and your girlfriend might look at you strangely when she first sees the ring, it is probably better to propose than to explain a $500.00 trip to the bathroom.

Diamonds, as Marilyn Monroe told us, truly are a girl’s best friend—even if you aren’t really a girl.  Just ask the folks at Harry Winston, one of the world’s most upscale jewelers, who were robbed of over $100 million dollars worth of gems on Friday at their Paris location.  Bearing in mind that security is very tight at the high-end jewelry boutique, it seems borderline hilarious that one man and three drag queens were able to gain access so easily.  The staff realized that something wasn’t quite right when the “women” pulled guns from under their skirts and the man pulled one from, well, probably somewhere else.

Would You Trust These Women With Your Family Jewels?

Does Harry Winston not have metal detectors?  I can’t get into the Gap without my keychain setting off an alarm, but chicks with 5 o’clock shadow and pistols can stroll into one of the most expensive jewelers in the world, no questions asked.  According to the TimesOnline, the foursome “resembled the sophisticated international clientele who frequent this most exclusive of jewellers”, which makes one wonder what defines ‘sophisticated international clientele’.  Harry Winston has provided jewelry to Queen Elizabeth II, the late Princess Diana, Sophia Loren and Marilyn Monroe.  Their most famous gems are a 726-carat diamond bought by King Farouk of Egypt in 1951 and Jackie Kennedy’s 71-carat emerald engagement ring from Ari Onassis in 1968.  Harry Winston is also routinely mentioned on red carpets all over the world, as they are among the most popular jewelers to lend out millions in accessories to celebrities for important events. 

The clearly experienced—not to mention dressed-to-kill—jewel thieves forced the 15 employees and one client into a corner, allegedly hitting a few of the on the head.  They then gathered up over $100 million in rings, necklaces, earrings and watches from both safes and window displays, all within eyeshot of passers-by. Witnesses told police that the painted pirates spoke only French, while others stated that they also spoke in a foreign language.  Unquestioningly, these blushing brigands seemed to know the names of several employees (Huffington Post), and where more-expensive but un-displayed pieces were kept.  According to Isabelle Montagne, spokesperson for the Paris prosecutor’s office, the incident was ‘well-organized’ and was either an inside job or the robbers had done extensive surveillance.  Investigators have already seized the store’s surveillance tapes.  The police suspect a group of jewel thieves responsible for thefts in 19 countries in Europe, Asia, and the Persian Gulf.  Anyone care to guess the nickname for these criminal masterminds?

“The Pink Panthers”. 

Not The Thieves, But Nonetheless Dressed To Kill

These colorful and fabulously dressed bandits have been sought out by Interpol for 10 years, but have, thus far, eluded captivity.  Perhaps they limit their drag shows to only diamond-stealing events.  One can assume two things, should these lipstick larcenists be caught: 1, they will be dressed to the nines and 2, prison might not be totally unbearable for them after all.

And I’m dying to see those surveillance tapes.

Alas, poor pundits, you must now stop beating President-Elect Barack Obama in the press, because he is really, truly not spending $30,000 on a diamond-encrusted one-of-a-kind rhodium ring for his wife.  It was a lovely rumor while it lasted, as it made him look as irresponsible with money as a teenaged boy at a hand-cream sale.  But it took only a matter of two days before Obama’s Press Office caught wind of it and issued a statement that used words in a way not seen in the political arena for years: intelligent and concise.  They said: “The story is not true.  There is no $30,000 ring”.

Barack and Michelle: We Should All Be So Lucky

It was a very beautiful fictitious ring, however, and I’m sure Michelle Obama would have proudly worn it and returned it to its fictitious designer.  But that’s not how the Obama’s roll. 

The story, originally from a notorious British tabloid that has been sued more times than Rick James, caught on to every newswire, everywhere in the world.  More reputable publications and websites like the New York Post, the Huffington Post, Free Republic, AOL, and Yahoo all took the bait and used the same quote from the ring’s alleged designer, Giovanni Bosco: “For obvious privacy reasons I cannot reveal the cost of the ring but bearing in mind it is made from rhodium or black gold and encrusted with diamonds you can be sure it will cost thousands of pounds”.  Setting aside the obvious ESL issues with the quote, conservatives ate up the story because it made Barack Obama look like an elitist fat cat, and not a regular guy (a regular, educated, charismatic guy). 

After Obama’s camp settled the matter, the alleged designer issued another statement that was even more vague—and made even less sense—than the first: “I regret to inform you that because of reports so wrong and clearly different from the reality of our statements, we decided not to issue a statement “.  This was meant to tell us that the previous statements they made were so greatly misinterpreted that they would not be issuing a statement.  Perhaps not issuing a statement taking back the first wrong statement would have been a better plan.  Or perhaps traveling back in time and not playing coy for publicity would have been the best course of action.  I’m just sayin’. 

Previously, the New York Post ended up with egg on its face after the published a story about Michelle Obama ordering lobsters, caviar and champagne while staying in the Waldorf-Astoria hotel.  Since she was never a guest there, the newspaper quickly printed a retraction.   This is why it is sometimes wise not to jump too quickly on a story when your source is only identified as “a source reveals that…” Sorry, Charlie.  The Obama’s ain’t spending money like it’s going out of style. 

When Barack Obama buys his wife diamond jewelry for any reason, we probably won’t hear about it.  But if he allegedly buys a fictitious and ridiculously expensive piece of jewelry from a famous designer no one’s ever heard of, you can bet “a source” will tell us.

Kim Kardashian, one of our favorite people who is famous for being famous, has used the tremendous international credibility she earned on her reality television show “Keeping Up With The Kardashians” to score a job with the UN. Prior to her success on the small screen, she was recognizable only because of her last name. Her father, Robert Kardashian, was one of O.J. Simpson’s “dream team” of lawyers in his 1994 murder trial. By being wealthy, in Los Angeles, and having a J. Lo-style impressive rear-end, she was able to score a reality tv deal that has made her famous all over the world. A regular draw in the tabloids for her frequent naked magazine pictorials and a stolen sex tape released at just the right moment (thanks for the idea, Paris Hilton!), Kim was the only natural choice for UN Ambassador to South Africa. She is teaming up with Russell Simmons Diamond Empowerment Fund, which raises money for disadvantaged people in African nations in which diamonds are a natural resource.

UN Goodwill Ambassador, In Clothes

In one of the more touching and memorable episodes of “Keeping Up With The Kardashians”, the whole family—including Mother Kris and Stepfather Bruce Jenner (who appears to be the only one with sense in the family)—is touched by their experience in meeting a homeless man whom they had unceremoniously asked to leave the vicinity of their upscale clothing boutique. The younger sisters, Khloe and Kourtney (not kidding), feeling guilty, decide to bring the man home so he can shower and loofah in their mother’s shower, and then dress up in Bruce Jenner’s clothes. They also decide to pay for his to have his few teeth looked at by a dentist. When they realize—silly girls—that they have a photo shoot and can’t bring him to the dentist, they coerce Bruce into doing it, despite his recognition that his stepdaughters are complete idiots. In the end, they dump him off at a shelter, because everyone, especially the Kardashians, know that all problems are solved within the 30-minute time span of a television show.

So you can see why Kim is a perfect choice in a diplomatic position for the government. On December 1, 2008, Kim attended the Empowerment of Africa dinner in New York, an event planned by media mogul Russell Simmons to raise money for his Diamond Empowerment Fund. The organization supports education initiatives to empower the economically disadvantaged people in African nations that rely on diamond mining for international trade. Kim Kardashian did not accept the position merely to give her easier access to diamonds. She has been a long-time admirer of Angelina Jolie’s position as UN Goodwill Ambassador since 2001, and, since Kim has recently announced that she will no longer be posing nude, she has some extra time on her hands. The UN offered her the position because they are “looking for more influential ‘pop culture’ celebs to inspire younger generations to become more involved in international affairs” (Bossip.com). Kim herself has been inspired to help others before. After touring the Lower Ninth Ward of New Orleans and meeting a family of 4 living in a FEMA trailer for 3 years, the Kardashian girls all decided that they would take the family to buy all new furniture—for a house they don’t have. I guess it’s the thought that counts. That mother and her children will be the envy of everyone else in the endless rows of FEMA trailers when they are sitting outside in their brand-spanking-new recliners!

While in New Orleans, Kim and her sisters visited with Kim’s longtime boyfriend Reggie Bush of the New Orleans Saints. For months, there have been rumors about Kim getting an engagement ring from her Running Back honey, but, since Kim was already once married from 2000-2004, she is not hurrying down the aisle this time. Or so she says. Anyway, she has plenty to do, what with the tv show, the boutique, her website, posing nearly-naked, and shopping for clothes that, evidently, cut off circulation to her head. Oh yeah, and that UN thing.

Christina Aguilera has finally found something to pierce that doesn’t make the rest of us cross our legs: her heart.  The former teen-pop-star-turned-sexually-edgy-pop-star-turned-uber-mommy received a locket for her first Mother’s Day from husband Jordan Bratman.  The ruby pendant, secretly designed for her, contains a picture of their son, Max.  It also features his name, a diamond-studded heart, and—somewhat disturbingly–a droplet of blood.  Christina told InStyle that “I love the symbolism of the blood droplet.  It’s like Max has pierced my heart”. 

However sweet the sentiment might seem, it still brings to mind the everlasting love between Angelina Jolie and Billy Bob Thornton, who wore vials of each other’s blood around their necks to signify the eternal love between them.  Oh, wait, that didn’t last, right?  Isn’t Angie with some other guy now?

Before Christina’s pierced heart, there was her $54,000 20-carat diamond engagement ring.  Even the wedding rings are non-traditional—at least Jordan’s is.  Christina wears her ring on her finger, as most people tend to, but Jordan, not a fan of wearing rings, chose a different path.  Instead, he wears a lock-shaped pendant around his neck inscribed with the word “wedlock”, according to Access Hollywood.  Inside the pendant is his wedding ring, which Stephen Webster, the jewelry designer, placed there so it would be ‘closer to his heart’.  He can always take the ring out and actually wear it on his finger, but he instead prefers the humiliation of wearing a lock around his neck.  It is definitely a man’s God-given right to look like a possession rather than a husband.

The whole ‘closer to his heart’ thing reminds one a bit too much of an episode of “Sex & the City”, in which Carrie wears her engagement ring from Aidan on a chain around her neck.  That is what we call “foreshadowing”.  However creepy and odd the nuptials between Jordan Bratman and Christina Aguilera have been, they have been married for 3 years, have an adorable son, and, if her song lyrics are autobiographical, she really seems to love that little mensch.  But, for the love of God, Jordan, take off the lock and wear the ring.  You look foolish.

In an odd turn of Hollywood events, it seems that Kelly Osborne is NOT wearing an engagement ring from her boyfriend of six months, model Luke Worrell.  While shopping in Los Angeles, mother of the fictitious bride-to-be Sharon Osborne was caught by the cameras of TMZ and questioned about her daughter’s upcoming nuptials.  The reporter first congratulated Sharon on Kelly’s engagement, to which she replied “She’s not engaged”.  When the reporter persisted, remarking that Kelly was wearing an engagement ring, Sharon told him: “She wears rings on every finger”. 

The Not-Bride-To-Be, With Cohorts

The rumors started when Luke Worrell, who no one had ever heard of, much less cared about, announced his engagement in the most tasteful way he knew how.  The 19 year-old changed his relationship status on his Facebook page to “Engaged to Kelly Osborne”.  Who taught that boy to be a media whore?  Who schooled him on how to go from a nobody to the Talk of the Town in the amount of time it takes to hit “send”.  Within hours, his page was flooded with congratulatory messages that said, undoubtedly, things like: “OMG I am like SO excited for u guyz!” and “u r suuuch a cute couple!”.   Kelly was also seen leaving LA hotspot Nobu with Luke and  huge new diamond jewelry, thought to be an engagement ring.  With her success as a reality television star–featuring the freak show that is her family; her dubious singing career; and her acting chops, it is not unlikely that she bought the ring for herself.

Then the story hit every celebrity-related news source from supermarket tabloids to relatively-reputable magazines.  Adding fuel to the fire was a quote from Kelly in which she had said: “Would I marry him? Yes, you never know.  But I’m still really young so we’ll have to see.  I really do love him”.  Kelly, 24, despite being raised by a dog-crazy, overbearing mother and a drug-addled, incomprehensible, bat-biting father, seemed to realize that it was not time to exchange wedding rings with the hot young model.  Especially after he so delicately announced it to any idiot who has access to a computer.

As the relentless reporter dogged Sharon until she reached a store in which she could hide, Sharon repeated that daughter Kelly Osborne was not wearing an engagement ring and that she would not be getting married, because she is “way too young to be getting married.  Way too young”.   The real question here is: how did those people raise a child with any sense at all?