Sometimes, we cannot adequately express our inner drug dealers, and we must look outside ourselves to find the right way to say “I routinely sell illegal and potentially-deadly substances to the under-aged and stupid”. 

Fortunately, there are places that can specifically cater to these needs: Department of Revenue auctions.  When the police make a drug bust, they confiscate not just illegal materials like drugs and weapons, but also anything potentially purchased with drug money.  This opens up a vast field of options if you’re looking for something truly gaudy, but for a bargain price.  A perceptive buyer can get items ranging from Kitchenaid cookware to Bentleys and Porsches.

‘Drug Dealer Chic’, in general, often includes oversized, expensive jeans, designer shirts, and huge jewelry.  It is the jewelry that truly makes the man, and the one wearing the most “ice” (diamonds) is displaying his wealth in much the same way a peacock shows his feathers.  These demonstrations serve to not only attract females, but to attract clients as well.  Just as the peahen is drawn towards to male with the biggest and most colorful show of feathers, so is the crackhead drawn to the sparkle of diamonds.  For these reasons, a savvy seller of dope will adorn himself as resplendently as possible.  More clients means more money for more ice which draws more girls and more clients and so on.

Such wise pushers of drugs were recently busted in Raleigh, North Carolina.  Truly, they are successful at peddling their wares in the Tar Heel State, as police impounded many beautiful items, like a $38,000 watch and $23,000 gold Jesus pendant.  Also found were a $29,500 Jacob $ Co. 5 time-zone watch with tiny gemstone continents and a $38,000 silver Breitling 1884 chonometre watch (Newsday.com).

A Fine Example.

A Fine Example.

Truly, the piece dé resistence of the upcoming auction is a diamond-studded gorilla pendant, clearly a symbol representing strength and the angst of living in an urban jungle.  Evidently, there is a diamond missing from the pendant—perhaps shaken loose during a high-speed chase or foot race—but it is still appraised at $21,600.  Who will the lucky bidder be?

“You’d be surprised who buys this stuff,” Department of Revenue spokeswoman Kim Brooks said (Newsday.com).

Some items are melted down, but a discerning buyer might find just the right gift for that special someone.  Since the names of the buyers are a matter of public record, however, it might be a good idea to shop from a reputable and knowledgeable seller of diamonds.

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