Diamonds, Engagement Rings & Diamond Jewelry in popular culture

Let’s say, for the sake of argument, that I am a God-fearing Christian; that I live by the teachings of Jesus; and that Christmas means more to me than an opportunity to score tons of gifts. Let’s also say that I decorate my house each Christmas season with a tasteful amount of lights and plastic reindeer, and that I carefully place one appropriately-sized, light-up, waving Santa Claus in my front yard to extend the merriment of the season to passers-by.

No matter how much I love Christmas, or love Jesus, or want to share my beliefs with others, do I want this to be among the trimmings in front of my home.

Not In This Lifetime, Thanks (courtesy afa.net)

So please, please do not buy this for me for Christmas this year. I cannot, in good conscience, put it up. Never mind that I actually like my neighbors and don’t want to offend them. This is the kind of thing that could get me killed. And my beaten, bloody corpse is not what the family wants to find under the Christmas tree this year.

I have always respected everyone’s religious beliefs. I don’t care if someone is Christian or Jewish or Muslim or Buddhist or Hindu or even Scientologist (although I do rather enjoy mocking Scientology and its inherent silliness). The point is that there are much more accurate ways to judge a person than his or her religion. For example: clothing style, intelligence, awareness of world events, spelling.

I have also never been offended by anyone saying “Merry Christmas”. I know that, after years of not worrying about political correctness, “Happy Holidays” sounds a bit cumbersome. It also seems to suck all of the joy out of the sentiment. I have in my head a conversion chart of sorts. It is like Babylon software in my brain. It takes “Merry Christmas” and turns it into whatever thing will make me smile that day. Sometimes it translates to “Have a great day”, and other times, my brain hears: “Your butt looks great in those jeans!” It’s all about perspective.

This year, I have decided that I will be nice to people and smile, regardless of the nearness of December 25. Instead of waiting for Santa Claus to buy me diamond studs, I have chosen to buy them myself. Santa has enough on his mind, anyway. “Naughty and Nice” lists must get more complicated as the years pass. I am a simple girl with simple needs, and I don’t care how easy this thing is to assemble, if it only takes minutes and only requires a screwdriver. It doesn’t matter how waterproof it is or that shipping is included in its low, low price.

This year, I will remind my friends, family, neighbors and everyone who drives by of the real meaning of Christmas by being a good person—and by looking genuinely surprised by those diamond studs.

In honor of the joyous occasion that is the wedding of Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt from “The Hills”, I am not going to write about it. Please know that I love gossip. I love to cut celebrities down with words. But there is nothing these two idiots can do that can make me dedicate 500 words to them. Seventy is too many.

It used to be that women would wait patiently for Prince Charming to ride up on his white horse, kneel in front of her, and present her with a beautiful engagement ring.  Evidently, this still does, sometimes, happen.  Maybe the white horse is a Harley-Davidson and he doesn’t kneel so much as nervously shift from one foot to another, but the sentiment is still there: I love you and am pretty sure that I want to spend to rest of my life with you, but, if not, this ring can be melted down and made into something else that doesn’t remotely remind you of me.  Love is a beautiful thing.
For women who are either tired of waiting or don’t want to wait for this phenomenon, there is now an alternative: right-hand rings.  Instead of waiting for Mr. Right (or Mr. Right Now), some women are choosing to buy themselves diamonds.   Why wait for a beautiful ring when we are fully capable of buying ourselves exactly what we want, without relying on someone else to fulfill our accessorizing needs? 

The jewelry industry has definitely taken notice of this trend.  Every jeweler, from the cheesy to the upscale, is offering a variety of “right-hand” diamond rings that promises to announce to the world your success, power, self-sufficiency and so on.  It is a fad that has even hit Hollywood, although in a perplexing way.  Seen flaunting their displays of independence are Sarah Jessica Parker, Julia Roberts, Debra Messing, and Victoria Beckham—all, ironically, happily (or at least dutifully) married to extraordinarily wealthy men.  Certainly, these women can afford to buy their own rings, so they do–carefully sporting them on their right hands.  It is on their left hands that we can see the diamond exhibits received from their respective husbands.

For those of us who never realized that diamond rings were hand-specific, this fad comes as something as a surprise.   Most of us tend to choose which hand a ring goes on by how much water we are retaining that particular day. 

These diamond rings, although they are catering to women who want to flaunt their independence, are not some kind of feminist flag waving at the world.  They are pretty things that some of us want and can afford to buy.  And, like a fantastic new pair of shoes, they can make your whole day better.

Sometimes, we cannot adequately express our inner drug dealers, and we must look outside ourselves to find the right way to say “I routinely sell illegal and potentially-deadly substances to the under-aged and stupid”. 

Fortunately, there are places that can specifically cater to these needs: Department of Revenue auctions.  When the police make a drug bust, they confiscate not just illegal materials like drugs and weapons, but also anything potentially purchased with drug money.  This opens up a vast field of options if you’re looking for something truly gaudy, but for a bargain price.  A perceptive buyer can get items ranging from Kitchenaid cookware to Bentleys and Porsches.

‘Drug Dealer Chic’, in general, often includes oversized, expensive jeans, designer shirts, and huge jewelry.  It is the jewelry that truly makes the man, and the one wearing the most “ice” (diamonds) is displaying his wealth in much the same way a peacock shows his feathers.  These demonstrations serve to not only attract females, but to attract clients as well.  Just as the peahen is drawn towards to male with the biggest and most colorful show of feathers, so is the crackhead drawn to the sparkle of diamonds.  For these reasons, a savvy seller of dope will adorn himself as resplendently as possible.  More clients means more money for more ice which draws more girls and more clients and so on.

Such wise pushers of drugs were recently busted in Raleigh, North Carolina.  Truly, they are successful at peddling their wares in the Tar Heel State, as police impounded many beautiful items, like a $38,000 watch and $23,000 gold Jesus pendant.  Also found were a $29,500 Jacob $ Co. 5 time-zone watch with tiny gemstone continents and a $38,000 silver Breitling 1884 chonometre watch (Newsday.com).

A Fine Example.

Truly, the piece dé resistence of the upcoming auction is a diamond-studded gorilla pendant, clearly a symbol representing strength and the angst of living in an urban jungle.  Evidently, there is a diamond missing from the pendant—perhaps shaken loose during a high-speed chase or foot race—but it is still appraised at $21,600.  Who will the lucky bidder be?

“You’d be surprised who buys this stuff,” Department of Revenue spokeswoman Kim Brooks said (Newsday.com).

Some items are melted down, but a discerning buyer might find just the right gift for that special someone.  Since the names of the buyers are a matter of public record, however, it might be a good idea to shop from a reputable and knowledgeable seller of diamonds.

Every Christmas, Victoria’s Secret comes out with a one-of-a-kind, diamond-encrusted bra that is priced in the millions of dollars.  The most expensive one designed so far was $12.5 million, so it seems that this year’s model is practically a bargain at only $5 million.  Traditionally, these slightly extravagant underclothes are made with perfect clear diamonds, so American jewelry designer Martin Katz decided to think outside the box and make skivvies out of perfect black diamonds instead. 
Made with over 3,900 gems, the “Black Diamond Fantasy Miracle Bra” consists of over 3,600 black diamonds, 117 certified 1-carat clear diamond rounds, and 34 rubies.  It also features, as a centerpiece—or bullseye—two black diamond drops totaling 100 carats.  In case that isn’t incentive enough to own this, it is also a “Miracle Bra”, a specific style of support garment that is designed for ‘maximum cleavage enhancement’ (read: raises your chest to chin-level).  Since the previous diamond-laden underthings were only regular precious-gem bras, this one is more than a way to keep the girls up.  It is an experience.  You, too, can look like Brazilian supermodel Adriana Lima for the low price of $5,000,000 (or, in layman’s terms, 81 years of work for the average American).

Adriana Lima, Not Needing $5Mil of Diamonds

Adriana Lima, the freakishly beautiful Victoria’s Secret Angel, will be showing the black diamond bra in the annually- televised Christmas runway show on December 3.  She said: “I’m can’t wait to walk down the runway in this at the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show” (UPI).  We forgive her the grammatical mistake because a: she is not a native English-speaker, and b: no one is really listening when she talks, anyway.  Until then, pictures of this gemstone/lingerie masterpiece can be seen in the Victoria’s Secret holiday catalogue, found on the coffee tables of women and in the bathrooms of men all over the country.

On a related note, Lima herself got quite a birthday present this year from her boyfriend, Memphis Grizzlies guard Marko Jaric: an engagement ring.  They plan to marry in Brazil in June of 2009.  Lima, a model since age 15, is famous not only for her beauty, but for her devotion to the Catholic beliefs on which she was raised.  According to style.com, she has said that “Sex is for marriage”, and will wait to experience it until she has a wedding ring.  Of course, that has only acted as catnip to countless male suitors, including Lenny Kravitz and various members of royalty.  Instead, it was an odd-looking Serb who won her heart. 

And he didn’t have to buy her a $5 million bra either…

Ah, diamonds.  Ice of the rich.  A tangible show of eternal love.  And, for the hip-hop community, a most necessary accessory.

Since the 1980’s, the rap and hip-hop community has been obsessed with ostentatious jewelry.  It began innocently enough with Big Daddy Kane and Kurtis Blow wearing humongous gold chains the like of which had been seen only at the early-bird specials and retirement communities in South Florida.  This was the era of track suits and thick, heavy chains.  For both groups.
In the 1990’s, the musicians chose to make statements with their choices in jewelry.   Treach of the rap group “Naughty by Nature” wore heavy silver chain links with a lock to represent ‘all of the brothers who are locked down’.  Rap stars wore giant Jesus pendants as an homage to the One who made all of their successes possible.  The group Public Enemy—with the notable exception of Flavor Flav–chose to make its statement differently by not wearing expensive jewelry, hoping that it would stop the trend of economically-disadvantaged youth turning to crime in order to emulate the dress of their musical icons.

Then came the next generation of hip hop artists.  Rappers like Jay-Z, Juvenile, and the Hot Boys began flaunting flashy diamond jewelry.  Brian “Baby” Williams had a set of permanent platinum veneers made for his teeth.  And, in 2007, Lil Jon entered the “Guinness Book of World Records” for buying the world’s largest diamond pendant—reading “cRuNk AiN’t DeAd”—for $500,000.00.  It is made up of 73 carats of diamonds set in 19-carat white and yellow gold.  It is said to weigh over five pounds.  The chain on which this gemstone behemoth hangs is reminiscent of the ones worn by rap’s forefathers. 

Nelly With Cap, Bottom Grill, and Diamond Pendant

And then…came…Grills.  Grills are removable covers for teeth and are shaped from complete molds of your teeth so they will fit comfortably.  Originally, grills were solid gold or platinum.  But the style quickly expanded to be whatever you can afford to have made.  Paul Wall, a Houston DJ and music producer, has become the Guru of Grills.  His own set is made of tiny princess-cut diamonds and platinum, and is worth $30,000.00.  Wall has made grills for artists like Lil Jon, Nelly, Slim Thug, Kanye West, Lil Wayne, Juvenile, David Banner, and Chamillionaire (PaulWallWorld.com), but maintains a booming business of regular people with alternative beauty ideals.  A millionaire can have a set custom-made.  For the normal person, Paul Wall has several designs that he sells through his jewelry business with partner Johnny Dang, TV Jewelry, and through the website GrillsByPaulWall.com.  Their grills range in price from a simple gold design for $100/tooth to a diamond-encrusted set at $800.00/tooth.  Paul himself only gets personally involved when a high-profile client makes a request.  When Lil Jon wanted a $50,000 grill made, Paul did all the handiwork himself.  Lil Jon said of his custom grill “I got my first grill from Paul ‘cause of the way his grill looked.  The design and quality of diamonds was different from what people got in ATL [Atlanta]” (PaulWallWorld.com). 
Where goes hip hop, so goes fashion, and jewelry has gotten bigger and carries more carat weight than ever before.  Runway shows have featured models wearing giant jewelry, all of Hollywood is in a rush to top the last famous couples’ engagement rings, and hip-hop artists themselves are wearing Gucci, Prada, Dior, and all the well-known designers.  It seems like Lil Jon himself will lead the charge into the next degree of gaudiness, perhaps getting gold fingernails and toenails, or coating his dreads in platinum. 

Perhaps we should be keeping an eye on the South Florida retirement homes as well for our next fashion trend.

Jennifer Lopez got a pink diamond.  Marilyn Monroe got a platinum eternity band with 36 diamonds.  Paris Hilton was weighed down by a 24-carat diamond engagement ring for a few weeks. 
Now even the average human can have very special, one-of-a-kind diamond rings–and for only a few thousand dollars–by taking the cremated remains of loved ones and having it pressed into diamonds.   You can proudly wear Grandma, or Uncle Joe, or Fluffy on a custom-made ring, or, if you prefer, you can wear all three at once in a stunning drop diamond necklace.

Grandma, Grandpa, Aunt Edna, and Uncle Joe (with Pearl).

The process, began by LifeGem in England, is actually very simple.  They remove 2 grams of carbon from the ashes and place it in a diamond press, exposing it to a temperature of 3,000°C and pressure up to one million pounds.  In two weeks, a synthetic diamond is produced.  Carat weights range from .25 to over 1.5. 
Celebrity craziness is nothing new, so it was no surprise when lunatic musician Pete Doherty decided to have Shelley, his cat with ex-girlfriend Kate Moss, made into a diamond.  He wanted to present it to her in an effort to win back her love after they split.  No word on whether or not Shelley died a natural death.
Bringing the term “Crazy Cat Lady” to a whole new level, a woman decided to have her pet made into a diamond after he died suddenly at age 11.  Sue Rogers, according to UK’s “The Guardian”, lost Sooty, her black cat, and wanted to keep him with her at all times.  She inquired about having the diamond be black, since Sooty was.  LifeGem then developed the process of exposing the diamond to electrons for 24 hours, which turned the cloudy diamond black.  This has served them well, as they can now create diamonds in many colors—or even colorless.
People are having non-furry family members turned into diamonds as well.  Nancy Wodziak of Minnesota had her husband turned into a yellow diamond after he died of brain cancer.  She was, surprisingly, the first in the state to have her husband’s remains dealt with in this way.  Another woman who lost her husband let the diamond remain clear, but with flaws.  She was heard to say that “…he wasn’t perfect, so why should the diamond be?” 
Should other loved ones balk at this new way to memorialize the deceased, there is an upside to the process.  LifeGem does not use all of the ashes, so some are still available for a more traditional scattering or burial in an urn.  But why do that when you can have this ‘mobile memorial’ to carry with you wherever you go?

After only 8 months together, it looks like “Die Hard” star Bruce Willis, 53, is ready to put an engagement ring on the gorgeous finger of model Emma Heming, 30. Can a wedding ring be too far behind in this high-speed romance?  Bruce seems to be trading up, as did his ex-wife Demi Moore.  When Demi, now 45, married Ashton Kutcher, 30, Hollywood was aghast.  After all, Demi made a name for herself in 1985 as a coke-snorting party girl while little Ashton was (probably unsuccessfully) learning to read about Dick, Jane and Spot.  Ashton has since shown his intellect by creating the tv shows “Punk’d” and “Beauty and the Geek”.  On the other hand, he probably makes an excellent playmate for Demi’s three daughters with Bruce Willis.  Bruce, nonetheless, approves completely of their marriage.

Bruce and his upgrade, Emma, were seen together at Cartier in Beverly Hills, where Emma appeared to be looking more for ideas than for one of the engagement rings from the well-known and very pricey jeweler.  It seems that the relationship between Bruce Willis and Emma Heming has been deliberately low-key and romantic, forgoing the Hollywood nightlife and showy movie premieres in favor of a more intimate courtship.  Willis was known throughout the 80s as one of Hollywood’s most notorious bachelors, a regular on the party scene, playing with his band, and serial-dating models like Rachel Hunter and Janice Dickinson, and was often seen with a Playboy playmate dangling on his arm.

But now, the man who once said he “believes he will die a bachelor because he can’t be with just one woman”, has found his next ‘just one woman’.  According to a friend, Bruce took Emma to look at engagement rings to get an idea of what she likes.  Another shopper noted that “Emma seemed to like one that had a very art deco feel to it…it was a smaller diamond set in platinum, and it was very feminine and unique”.

At this rate, in another 10 years Demi will marry a 6th-grader and Bruce will put his work in the movie “Look Who’s Talking” to work, and, and marry a fetus.